5.18 Point of No Return tag and follow-up story to Long Run of Luck
"Fate is not the ruler, but the servant of Providence." - Edward G. Bulwer-Lytton
Servant of Heaven
"So, Cas, explain it to me, how did I kill the whore?"
"You mean, how did you become a servant of heaven able to kill the whore?"
"Well, yeah… I mean, I wasn't thinking, just trying to survive and then well…it worked. I lit her up." Dean paused, his mind replaying that night and his subsequent journey, from accepting his destiny as Michael's true vessel to shafting Zach and again siding with his brother, more determined than ever not to say 'Yes'. "I don't get it," he honestly added, tender eyes still searching for meaning, the truth hidden somewhere within his conflict and doubt. "I turned my back on Michael and heaven, so I'm pretty sure I wasn't the servant they were looking for...in fact, I'm guessing I'm kind of persona non grata upstairs. So, why? Was it just a run of luck?"
"Luck?" Cas stopped to ponder the concept, his words slow and measured when he again spoke. "Yes…in many ways you have been fortunate…but luck didn't allow you to kill the whore." The angel was solemn in his response, thoughtful and studious, before his eyes rose, something igniting within them. "Perhaps it is Michael who isn't serving heaven. Maybe…"
"What?" Dean whispered.
"Maybe you served heaven best by saying 'No'."
"You did kill the whore and you didn't say 'Yes'." Earnestness turned to wonder and then admiration as the angel continued, "Dean, you held the line when I thought you'd given up. I'm sorry I doubted you."
"Stop…just stop," Dean gasped out. "You don't owe me an apology. I…" His voice fractured away, his eyes increasingly distant and weary. His posture gently slumped, almost appearing defeated, drawing back and yet still standing, subtly trembling with longing and need as he hesitated.
Leaning in slightly, eyes scrunched in concentration, Cas whispered, "What is it, Dean?"
The hunter's face displayed all his anguish, the constant struggle to find the right path evident alongside his distaste for all his uncertainty. His voice was low and throaty as he confessed, "I didn't believe…in myself, in Sam…that we stood a snowballs chance…" He gulped down a ragged breath, his chin rising as he tried to steel himself to his perceived failure, his eyes finally settling on the angel, unable to hide the wounds held deep within him. Soft tears glistened and his voice started to crack before he found his strength again, the depth of his feelings rumbling forth in his gravelly tone, accepting of his failings. "I lost faith in us."
Cas was silent for a moment, his eyes shimmering with compassion, concern for this human in his charge shifting, morphing into a true awakening of emotions unknown, urging him on in the search for more enlightenment. "So, what gave you the strength to fight back? To change your mind?" the angel softly asked.
"Sam…" His smile, at first appearing tentative, started to deepen as he reflected on that thought, and then his dimples flashed, pride shining through those expressive eyes as he found his center again. "The kid wouldn't give up… He still had faith in me. Even after all I'd done, even with me flat-out telling him I was gonna say 'Yes'. He still didn't believe I'd do it…" His voice was steeped in awe as he whispered, "He believed…even when I couldn't."
Shifting his head slightly in contemplation, the angel's eyes then flashed with recognition as he spoke. "And that was enough to convince you to change your mind?"
"Yeah, it was. I'm still his big brother and I just couldn't let him down. Not when he could still find faith in me. I had to give it one more shot, to be what he expected, who he thought I was." He was looking straight at the angel, brilliant green eyes crystal clear and determined, but then his gaze casually wandered away, his eyes slipping into a distant cast as he was again lost in that night.
Dean looked up, listening, watching, his face as open and clear as it once was, back in his youth. All the years of worry and fear vanquished as he focused on his brother and their bond, strong and sure again. It took a moment for him to return to their conversation, to absorb what the angel had started and then stopped saying. "Yeah?" he questioned.
"Perhaps this is who you were supposed to be all along? Perhaps this is how you can best serve heaven?"
The thought was comforting…if only he could believe. Belief was increasingly difficult, belief in anything other than his brother and their need to stick together. He had to hold on to that. Still the anxiety of what lay ahead weighed heavy. This battle more intense than any that had come before, up against angels and devils, destiny and fate. The future of the world resting on their actions, dependent on their choices. "Will we win, Cas? Can we do this?"
The angel narrowed his eyes in contemplation, thoughtful as he pondered their course. It seemed to take an interminable amount of time before he finally spoke, his words deliberate, bringing that much needed measure of hope in uncertain times. "You did kill the Whore. If you are the servant of heaven then I say we stay the course. Whatever decision you make will be the right one."
All standard disclaimers apply.
Amazingly this has been sitting on my computer since January. A lot has happened on Supernatural since it was written and for me it's nice to go back to supportive Cas, to revisit that ally they relied upon. I hope we get that Cas back at some point, I miss him.
And I always support Dean and his choices. Somehow he always finds his way to the right course of action, even if he feels unsteady and conflicted. I trust his instincts and he hasn't disappointed me yet.
Thanks for reading. As always anonymous reviews are turned on if you want to comment without signing in. Later, B.J.