Sorry, these aren't in chronological order.


"Mmm, baby, you feel so good."

How? How can he say that? Am I that good at faking, or is he that oblivious? Or does he notice I'm not into it and just doesn't care?

No, he doesn't seem to notice. He thinks I'm as into it as he is.

This was... supposed to take the edge off... ease the tension. If we didn't fuck tonight, we were going to fight. Again.

And I don't have the energy or heart for a fight.

Maybe I can try harder. This really should feel good. I used to think this felt good, with him. His muscles on his neck, shoulders and chest really do look amazing in the glow of the alarm clock. Maybe I can get my head into this.

Ow - damn- why's he got to be rough? Why can't he feel me cringe every time he does that? Maybe I should fake it and just get it over with.

"Mmm, yeah, like that. That's good." That kind of sounded flat; I'll try again in a minute. But I don't think he noticed anyway.

I wouldn't be faking if he was...

Don't say his name. And don't say the wrong name. Don't say the name of the one I'm really thinking about.

The one who looks at me like I'm... extraordinary... and tells me he thinks that. The one who laughs at my dumb jokes and grins when he says I'm a badass. The one who doesn't shy away from letting me see him checking me out, even though I'm not his. The one who enjoys talking with me for hours, about anything or nothing.

"Oh, shit, that does feel good," but it shouldn't because it's wrong on so many levels to be enjoying this because I'm thinking of the man with whom I'm supposed to have a work-only relationship, but

"Oohh, fuck, keep doing that," but I can't look at his face because it's not the one I want to see and

"H-h-h aahh shit shit shit" damn that feels good and don't say the wrong name and god I've got to end this soon because this is so fucked up but I don't know if I have the strength to do any better and

"Aahhh... mmm... ... that was good." Dear God, I'm ready for this to be over. He didn't even notice the tears when I came.