Disclaimer: Merlin is owned by the BBC. I really own nothing.
Title: And I'm Not A Drunk
Summary: A conversation between Gwaine and Merlin pre-Season 4. Inspired by a conversation with my sister about how Gwaine totally knows about Merlin.
A/N: This is utter nonsense. That being said, don't take it seriously.
One of the downsides to being one of Arthur's advisors (although not in name, because Merlin was a servant, and servants don't advise) was being forced to sit through endless Council meetings. Arthur always rambled on and on and on about magic and how it was clearly evil, probably, because his father said it was, and Morgana used magic to drive Uther insane, and if Uther said magic was evil, then it was evil…. So Merlin rarely listened to a damn thing Arthur said. The only one who ever actually listened was Lancelot.
Gwaine slumped in his seat next to Merlin, not even pretending to listen to Arthur. Leon, across the table, stared at the Prince Regent with a glazed look in his eyes that meant he was, in reality, mostly asleep. Elyan and Percival were playing cards under the table, and, judging by Elyan's face, he was losing.
Merlin was tracing patterns aimlessly on the table with his finger when Arthur snapped at him, "Don't you agree, Merlin?"
The young warlock jerked his head up with a start, "Um. What?"
Arthur shook his head, irritated. "That anyone proven to use magic should, in accordance with my father's law, be put to death!"
"Oh, right," Merlin nodded, cringing inwardly. "Yeah. Magic's… you know. It's illegal…."
Arthur rolled his eyes and resumed his diatribe.
Gwaine, to Merlin's right, snorted. "Uh huh. That was convincing."
Merlin glanced at him. "What?"
"'Magic's, you know, illegal'," Gwaine mocked, poking Merlin in the side. "It's funny, coming from you."
Merlin froze, "Uh. Uh, why is it funnier from me than from Arthur?"
"Oh I admit, anything Arthur says is funny," Gwaine smirked. "But you saying anything about magic other than 'I have it' is just hilarious."
Gwaine rolled his eyes, and said, "I know, I know, you're 'not a warlock'. And I'm 'not a drunk'."
Merlin raised his eyebrows in confusion. "What?"
"You saying that you're not a warlock is like me saying I'm not a drunk," Gwaine explained. "Neither are true, but they're nice little lies we tell ourselves to get through our days without getting either killed or starting to hate ourselves and everyone around us."
At Merlin's blank look, Gwaine continued, "Everyone has them, Merlin. You say you're not a warlock, I say I'm not a drunk. Arthur says she's a boy," Gwaine smirked, jerking his head at the Prince, who was still going on about magic. "Gwen, who is in love with Arthur, also says that Arthur is a boy. Makes it easier for her to deal with her feelings, I suppose," he nodded sagely.
"What about everyone else?" Merlin asked, trying to divert the conversation from the magic he clearly did not have.
"Well, Lancelot," Gwaine nodded at said knight, "Lancelot likes to tell himself that Arthur is a girl. That means that he has a chance with Gwen, because if Arthur's a girl, which she is, then Arthur and Gwen can't get married and have babies. I don't know if you know this, Merlin, seeing as you're so very naïve, but when a man and a woman–"
"Moving on," Merlin glared at his friend for a moment.
"Right. So, that's Lancelot. Now Good King Uther, as our next example, tells himself two pretty little lies. The first is that magic is outlawed from this Kingdom (and that people listen to that law), and the second one is that he has hair."
Merlin snickered a bit at that last one, which seemed to encourage Gwaine in his mockery. "Gaius, your mentor, tells himself that his eyebrow doesn't do that weird thing that it most definitely does. Leon tells himself that he has never, and will never, wear a dress. In Morgana's little delusional world… well, we saw that already. It wasn't pleasant."
They both shuddered a bit at the memory, and then Gwaine continued, pointing at Percival now. "In Percival's reality, I am gay."
Merlin rolled his eyes at his friend. "Somehow I don't believe you."
"Believe me or don't believe me, but it's true, Merlin. It's very true. Now, Elyan," and he pointed at said knight, "Tells himself that he lives in a world where he knows girls who aren't his sister. This is untrue, even though I've introduced him to many, many, many ladies of… shall we say, negotiable virtue."
Merlin shook his head. "Anybody else?"
"Yes, actually," Gwaine said, lifting his head to inspect the woman who had just entered the room. "That chambermaid over there… in her world, I'm here and available. Well, look at that. I guess she lives in the real world, eh?" Gwaine smirked at his friend, and then turned that smirk on the chambermaid, who giggled and twirled her hair around her finger.
"Gwaine! Merlin!" Arthur snapped angrily at the two of them. "Will you stop flirting with chambermaids and pay attention?"
"Sorry," Merlin and Gwaine said in unison. Then, when Arthur's attention reverted to his rant about magic, Gwaine muttered to Merlin, "Like I said, he's a girl."
A/N: Because Gwaine knows.