(AUTHOR'S NOTE: For an alternate version of this story with commentary, check out my blog. The link's in my profile.)
"Uh, what the hell?"
Spoony awoke in a small, featureless room. The walls were ostensibly white, but the dim lighting colored the walls a dingy yellow. He had no memory of how or why he came to be in this room - the last thing he could recall was driving home after going for a late night Taco Bell run.
The single door opened, and a familiar figure stepped into the room.
"Ehehehehehehe!" Doctor Insano cackled. "It is time, Spoony!"
"What the fuck? Who are you?" Spoony asked.
"Oh, I thought you would recognize your old friend, Doctor Insano!" Insano said, sounding somewhat disappointed.
"What? No, you're not Dr. Insano. He's just a stupid character in my stupid reviews!" Spoony said. "Listen, I don't know if you're just a crazy fan or whatever, but I would suggest letting me go before I call the cops."
"So, you don't think I'm real, hmm?" Insano pondered. "Well, that will change soon enough. Come, Spoony: a new world of experimentation awaits!"
Two robots came into the room and restrained Spoony with cables. The robots dragged Spoony into a massive underground laboratory, and strapped him to an upright operating table.
The next few months were not fun for Spoony. Insano used him as a subject for the most depraved experiments imaginable: induced mutations, gene therapy, artificial and biological limb grafts, low-level psychic abilities...
By the end, Spoony barely qualified as human. A combination of life-support machines and a healing factor kept him alive, but only barely. Every second of his life was pain, and the only thing that kept him sane was one day knowing that he would escape and torture that son of a bitch.
His salvation came one day when he heard an explosion in the house above. Insano had built his secret lab under Spoony's house, so whoever was up there was probably destroying his place.
A familiar figure in a purdy hat climbed down the ladder from the house above into the lab below.
"Okay, Doctor Insano! What have you done with Spoony?" Linkara demanded.
"Ehehehehe! Spoony is my newest test subject! Look at how much I've improved him!" Insano said while pointing at the biomechanical monstrosity that Spoony had become.
"Oh my... Insano, you've crossed the line this time!" Linkara yelled. He drew his magic gun and the Seventh Doctor's sonic screwdriver. Insano directed his robot hordes at Linkara, but Linkara killed them all with ease.
"Ha! Not bad, Linkara! But there's more where that came from!" Insano got into his mecha suit with six arms and started firing away. Linkara deflected each shot with his sonic screwdriver.
"And I'm not dead just yet! White Zeo Ranger Power!" Linkara pulled out his zeonizer and transformed into the White Zeo Pimp. He placed the sonic screwdriver on his magic gun, combining the two weapons with his Zeo power: the resulting blast completely obliterated Insano's mech suit, though Insano himself was unharmed.
"Curses, foiled again!" Insano sweared. "Emergency temporal shift!" Insano pressed a button on his glasses and disappeared into the timestream.
"Damn it!" Linkara cursed. He pressed a button on his Zeonizer. "Nimue! Start tracking Insano."
"AFFIRMATIVE." Nimue said.
"My... my god, Spoony. What happened to you?" Linkara ran to Spoony.
"hrrrrhgheffffhgkl" Spoony sputtered. His ability to talk had long since been removed by Insano; the not-so-good doctor had gotten tired of being snarked at.
"...Spoony." Linkara shook his head. "I'm sorry, Spoony. All I can do is put you out of your misery."
"ATTENTION." Nimue's voice echoed in the empty lab. "IT MAY BE POSSIBLE TO COMBINE YOUR INTERNET REVIEWER MORPHER WITH TECHNOLOGY FROM COMICRON-1 TO RETURN SPOONY TO A HUMANOID FORM."
"Really?" Linkara was elated. "But a combination like that would be extremely unstable. And we have no idea what Insano did to him..."
"BUT IT WOULD SURELY BE A BETTER FATE THAN LEAVING HIM LIKE THIS."
"gghfhffdgddr" Spoony gurgled in agreement.
"Yeah, I guess so. Okay, let's do it." Nimue beamed the morpher and one of the replicators from Comicron-1 down into Insano's lab. Fortunately, Insano's technology was plug-and-play; Linkara went to work, installing the replicator and morpher into Spoony's life-support machines. He wired a couple of generators to the mess for good measure.
"Well, here goes." Linkara said. "I've modified the morpher to work on thought command. Just think 'it's morphin' time' and that should provide the energy necessary."
Spoony thought 'it's morphin' time' and the morpher did its work; it surrounded Spoony in an aura of pure energy, fusing what remained of his body to the various machines giving his life. Flesh and metal fused together far more masterfully than any human could ever accomplish, becoming something else entirely.
A minute later, Spoony emerged from the white cocoon, reborn. His body was still organic, and he looked exactly as he did before he had been kidnapped. But he felt far more powerful than before.
"Hey, how are you doing, Spoony?" Linkara asked.
"...I'm not Spoony anymore." he said. "I'm not Noah Antwiler either. I don't even think I'm human anymore. I'm..."
"Sponby?" Linkara suggested.
"What, what the fuck is that?" Sponby asked.
"I dunno, Phelan came up with it or something." Linkara shrugged.
"Whatever, I guess it works." Sponby said. "Thanks for rescuing me and all that, man."
"Any time." Linkara said. "Uh, sorry. I uh, kinda destroyed your house a bit. It's still standing and all that, but..."
"It's okay, I'll fix it." Sponby said. "By the way, what happened to Miles?"
"He..." Linkara looked uncomfortable. "He disappeared just after you did. Nobody knows what happened to him."
"...I see." Sponby bowed his head. "I appreciate everything you've done for me, but I need to be alone."
"Okay. Call me if you need anything." Linkara teleported away. Sponby sat alone in the ruins of Insano's lab. In just a few short months, his life had changed irrecovably. His body had been twisted, and then reborn into something... else, his house was mostly destroyed, his brother was missing, and he hadn't done a review in months. His fans were gonna be pissed.
A month passed. Though Sponby's house was in ruins, Insano's lab was still mostly intact; Sponby had cleared out a part of the lab and made a small living area in it. Living in there brought back some painful memories for Sponby, but he had gotten used to it.
One night, while Sponby was editing a review, he heard something scurrying around the lab. He grabbed a flashlight and looked around the ruins, but he couldn't find anything. Still he heard scurrying; there was definitely more than one of them, whatever they were.
Sponby went back to editing, ignoring the scurrying sounds. If only he still had Oreo... he wasn't sure what had happened to his dog, either. Sponby had looked around the ruins of his place, but he couldn't even find her skeleton or anything; his best guess (and hope) was that she escaped before shit went down.
Sponby kept editing his review. He didn't have to sleep anymore, so he figured he might as well do something productive. He could still eat and drink, though he didn't have to.
Something brushed up against his leg. Sponby looked down, and saw a nasty-looking mutant rat staring back at him with lifeless eyes. It sunk its teeth into Sponby's leg, and he cried out in pain. Sponby swatted at it with his arm, but it dug its teeth deeper into his flesh.
"Argh, god damnit!" Spoony yelled. This activated his new ability: his body shifted into a viscous, inky-black fluid of some sort. The rat tried to escape from his body, but it was stuck. Eventually, it gave up and let itself become absorbed, disappearing completely. Sponby felt the rat's power added to his own.
More mutant rats approached him, growling. Sponby simply thought about getting rid of them, and to his surprise, tendrils of shadowy energy shot from his body and attacked the rats. Each tendril latched itself to a rat and dragged them into his body, and he absorbed them as well.
Sponby got enough experience to level up! He decided to take a level in Wizard, though he only got a single first-level spell slot. He meditated for eight hours, and decided to prepare Sleep.
It was the middle of the night. Sponby was feeling hungry for some reason; it might be a psychosomatic thing, or maybe he was genuinely hungry. But he didn't have any actual food, so he decided to go to Denny's.
He went to Denny's, and he ordered a bacon and eggs. While waiting for his order, he noticed that the guy at the next table was the Prince of his failed Vampire: The Requiem LARP.
"Hey, you!" the Prince said. "You're that noob who ragequit my Vampire LARP that one time. And you're the Leaping Wizards guy too!"
"Yeah, I used to be a pretty big dumbass." Sponby said.
"You still are! I watch your videos, and they just keep getting worse. You suck, Spoony!" the Prince said.
"Okay, that's just unnecessary." Sponby said. "And the name's Sponby."
"I don't care who you are, you're gonna pay for being such a bitch!" The Prince tried to Dominate Sponby, but Sponby made his save. Sponby then casted Sleep, putting everyone in the Denny's to sleep for 3d4 turns. Sponby shifted to his shadow form again, and shot shadowy tendrils at all of the food in the restaurant; he absorbed all of it into himself, regaining his single spell slot. Sponby decided to prepare Charm Person.
Just before the Prince woke up, Sponby Charmed him.
"Ugh, sorry man." the Prince said. "I just feel asleep there for a minute."
"It's okay." Sponby said. "Now, you were going to apologize to me, right?"
"Yeah, sorry." the Prince said. "I was acting pretty immature. Let's let bygones be bygones, okay?"
"works for me. Sponby said. He shook the hand of the Prince, and, his hunger satiated, he left the Denny's.
Sponby returned to his house. On the way there, he tried using his shadow powers in the dark; though he could create shadow tendrils, their range was limited. Sponby seemed to need some light to use his powers.
Once Sponby got back home, he wandered around Insano's lab. He found a few devices that were still in good shape; he used his shadow powers on one of them, absorbing them into his being. Sponby had no idea what that device was meant to do, but instinctively, he knew it was only stored away. Sponby reached into his black body and pulled out the device from hammerspace.
"This is so exploitable." Sponby remarked.
Sponby palsmaed at one of the walls, destroying it and revealing another part of the lab beyond it. More mutant rats jumped out at him, but he simply absorbed them into himself. Unfortunately, he still needed a lot of experience to reach second level.
Sponby explored the lost wing of Insano's lab, finding even more fantastical technology. Where the hell did he get all of this stuff? Did he make it himself? And how was he able to afford it all? Then again, maybe he sold some of his stuff to get more money for more science, which he would sell for more money...
In the back of the lab was a Stargate. Sponby pressed a button on a nearby panel, activating the Stargate - but it was different than usual. The event horizon was red instead of blue, and it was glassy and smooth. Beside it was a smooth white gun, which Sponby absorbed into himself; it was tied to this gate, and it would allow him to use it from anywhere. But where did this Stargate lead? Taking a chance, Sponby stepped through the red portal...
Sponby appeared in a somewhat antiquated-looking small town. The people milling about suddenly had something to do, and they all ran back to their houses.
"What, where the hell is this?" Sponby wondered aloud. Actually, it looked vaguely familiar... Sponby was sure he'd seen this place before, but where?
As he was taking in his surroundings, a girly-looking dark-haired man strolled up to Sponby.
"Hey buddy, how's it going?" the man said.
"Who the hell are you?" Sponby asked.
"Name's Laguna. Laguna Loire." The man reached out to Sponby.
"Oh fuck no." Sponby realized where he was: Winhill, from the world of Final Fantasy VIII. Leave it to a mad scientist to invent a stargate that leads to worlds based on shitty video games.
"Sorry? You okay there, bud?" Laguna asked, somewhat confused.
"I'm going to stop this right here." Sponby shifted into his shadow form.
"Wait, what? You're some kinda monster!" Laguna grabbed his machine gun from nowhere and shot at Sponby, but the bullets had no effect. Desperate, he tried using his EX Burst to damage Sponby, but his body absorbed every blow, only increasing Sponby's power.
"My turn." Sponby cast another Sleep spell, but Laguna was curiously immune. So he tried attacking him with shadow tendrils, but a Protect spell deflected the attacks.
"Oh, the fairies!" Laguna said in surprise. "Okay buddy, you're going down now!" Laguna cast a Firaga spell, which actually did a bit of damage to Sponby.
"Wait, fairies?" Sponby wondered. 'Fortunately', his review of the game had made him intimately familiar with the game; he thought back, remembering that when the players took control of Laguna and friends, they would mention hearing 'fairies'. Which meant...
"You're tough! But I'm tougher!" Laguna shouted, throwing a grenade at Sponby; as usual, Sponby simply absorbed the blast.
"No, I'm going to stop this here and now! Fuck time paradoxes, you're dead Laguna!" Sponby yelled. He ran at Laguna; the Protect spell created an invisible barrier around Laguna, but Sponby's amorphous body surrounded the barrier, breaking it with ease. Before long, Laguna was no more.
Due to pime taradoxes and shit, Sponby was thrown into the 'present', where the main game takes place. Fortunately, he ended up right near Squall and his friends.
"Huh?" Squall said dully. "Who're you?"
"Wait, that's the guy that killed Laguna!" Selphie screeched. She drew her nunchaku and rushed Sponby, but he threw her aside.
"My beef is with you, Emo Git!" Sponby said, pointing at Squall.
"I don't know you." Squall said. He summoned Ifrit, scorching the entire area with unholy flame. Sponby was hurt slightly, but he regenerated the damage in no time.
Sponby fired several shadow tendrils at Squall; Squall managed to cut through a few with his gunblade, but he was overwhelmed in little time. Sponby absorbed not only Squall, but the magic and Guardian Forces junctioned to him.
"No, fuck Junctioning." Sponby said. Instead, he drew directly on the powers of the GFs themselves, firing huge bursts of multi-elemental magical energy and reducing the area to ash. Selphie and Quistis inexplicably survived, but they too were absorbed in short order.
Sponby reflected on his new powers. Sure, GFs and Junctioning were stupid concepts, but he couldn't complain about having access to magic and summons.
"You know... I can absorb new powers, and I have access to the entire multiverse." Sponby said aloud. "Fuck reviews! I'm gonna hunt down Insano and get my revenge!" Sponby created another portal and stepped into it.
Sponby appeared in a castle somewhere.
"Who art thou?" the guard asked in butchered olde Englysh.
"I'm Sponby, motherfucker!" Sponby said as he roasted the guard to a crisp with a fire spell. And, not one to waste a good dead body, Sponby absorbed the dead guard.
"So, where the hell am I?" Sponby wondered. He looked around, but it just looked like a generic fantasy castle.
He wandered through it, killing guards along the way. None of them were a challenge, so he unfortunately didn't get any XP for it. But once he came upon the throne room, he realized where he was...
"I do not know who thou art, but would thou kindly GET THE HELL OUT OF MY CASTLE!" Lord British said, blasting Sponby with fire and lightning.
"Really, that's all you've got? You're the all-powerful Lord British?" Sponby snarked.
"Thou art a fool!" Lord British opened a gate to the Elemental Plane of Jesters, and an infinite number of exploding jesters poured out of the gate, all of them spouting bad jokes and riddles.
"Fucking Chuckles, you're all gonna die!" Sponby tried to close the gate with his magic, but it would stay open as long as Lord British was alive. The exploding jesters were taking a toll on the castle, but the nigh invulnerability of both combatants meant it was little more than a nuisance.
"Give it up, Sponby!" Lord British yelled. "Thou cannot defeat me! I have NPC invulnerability!"
"But I've got the one thing that can defeat NPC invulnerability: the Lord British Postulate!" Sponby said. He shaped parts of his body into a glass sword, a commemorative plaque and a loaf of poisoned bread, and threw all three objects at the king.
"No, my three weaknesses!" Lord British said as the glass sword shattered against his torso, the plaque hit him in the head and he involuntarily ate the loaf of bread. With Lord British's death, the gate closed, though the last of the exploding jesters reduced the castle to its foundations.
"Well, might as well put that body to good use." Sponby grabbed and absorbed Lord British's body, gaining his healing powers and nigh-invulnerability.
VIRTUES PART 2
The Avatar and his companions came across the ruins of Castle Britannia.
"My god, what's happened here?" the Avatar wondered.
"Something destroyed the entire castle!" Dupre stated.
"Thank you for that, Dupre." the Avatar snarked. "So where the hell is Lord British? My evil sword is telling me to kill him and set fire to his corpse."
"For the last time, Avatar, your sword is just a sword!" Iolo said. "It doesn't talk!"
"But it does! We put a demon into it!" the Avatar said. Shamino pulled Iolo aside.
"Listen, Iolo. We're almost done with destroying the Fellowship. Once we're done with that, we'll lock the Avatar up, but until then... let's just play along with his delusions." Shamino whispered.
"Do you want me to restrict your rations to that blood bread again?" Shamino threatened.
"No, I'll be good." Iolo whimpered.
"SUDDENLY SPONBY, BITCHES!" Sponby lept from the rubble, firing spells of all sorts at the group. Shamino and Dupre died instantly, but Iolo barely survived; the Avatar, of course, was unharmed.
"What? Who the hell are you?" The Avatar pointed his evil sword at Sponby, firing a huge bolt of lightning. Sponby absorbed the bolt, redirected it and reduced Iolo to a smouldering corpse.
"This being has great power! He will be my new master!" the Black Sword said, floating over to Sponby. Sponby took the sword and absorbed it into him, killing the demon but keeping his power.
Sponby fired shadow tendrils at the Avatar, but a mysterious barrier of light protected him, burning the tendrils. Sponby hissed in pain.
"SPONBY. YOU WILL NOT HARM THIS BEING." The Avatar said in a voice obviously not his own. The Avatar retaliated by firing tendrils of light from his aura, burning several holes in Sponby's shadow form. Sponby, giving in to the pain, junctioned all of his GFs to himself, letting them absorb the Avatar's blows.
Sponby healed himself with Lord British's powers, while the Avatar wailed on him with light. Sponby tried casting Reflect and Shell on himself, but the Avatar pierced right through them. Sponby started playing with his powers; he junctioned the Black Sword's power directly to himself via the GFs, upgrading his shadow form by becoming part-demon as well.
But, unsurprisingly, becoming a part-demon part-shadow being only increased his vulnerability to the Avatar's light tendrils. He was taking so much damage that even Lord British's powers were insufficient.
Finally, Sponby gave up. He collapsed to the ground, returning to his base form. The Avatar stopped his assault.
"BE WARNED, SPONBY... I WILL ALWAYS BE WATCHING." The Avatar disappeared in a flash of light. Licking his wounds, Sponby opened another portal and returned home.
Sponby had spent the last two months recovering from the Avatar's attacks. Even with Lord British's powers and Cure spells, Sponby's shadow form still hadn't fully recovered.
Not only that, but the attack made Sponby realize his weaknesses. Regular sunlight didn't seem to affect him, but light-based and positive-energy-based magic was a major weakness; not only that, but most of his abilities could be disabled by a basic anti-magic field or spell. He did have some non-magical trinkets, but if he was serious about finding and killing Insano, he needed to adapt.
Sponby cast a fireball at a random wall, unveiling another hidden wing of the lab. This one, however, was far different than anything he'd seen so far: unlike the other wings, which were places of experimentation, this was an armory.
Weapons of all shapes, sizes and effects lined the walls. But the most striking weapon of them all was in the back: a gigantic robotic head, twice as tall as a human, and presumably the head of an even bigger mecha.
"Neutro." Sponby said. Insano had built two versions of Neutro before; this must be Mark III. Its head alone had vulcan cannons, eye lasers, machine guns and RPGs; presumably, the rest of the robot was as well-equipped. If this thing was unleashed on the outside world...
The eyes of the massive mechanical man flashed red, and Sponby had to shift into his shadow form to absorb the wave of dakka headed toward him. Neutro took a step forward, shaking the entire lab and knocking most of the guns off their shelves.
Sponby fired a bunch of spells at Neutro, but all of them dissipated just before hitting it.
"Anti-magic field generator. Damn it." Sponby's shadow body absorbed another wave of missiles and lasers. Then again, if Insano was planning on using it to fight Linkara, installing an anti-magic field was quite clever of him. Sponby grabbed several of the weapons on the floor, firing them at Neutro in rapid succession, but none of them seemed to have an effect either.
Neutro's massive arm ripped through the floor of the lab, grabbing Sponby in its iron grip. Three more arms decimated the rest of the lab, and Neutro itself rose to the surface.
A panel on Neutro's chest opened. Sponby tried to squeeze out of Neutro's hand, but the anti-magic field disabled most of the properties of his shadow form, including the amorphousness. Neutro threw Spoony into the compartment in his chest, and the panel closed tightly.
Neutro generated an even stronger anti-magic field within the compartment, causing Sponby pain just by staying in his shadow form; as soon as he shifted back to his normal form, thirty or more needles pierced several parts of his body.
"Fuck!" Sponby yelled. The anti-magic field disappeared, and Sponby shifted back to his shadow form; unfortunately, the needles were still stuck in his body, draining his energy to fuel Neutro. Did Insano design this on purpose? Was converting Sponby to a shadow being his plan all along? Or is it just a coincidence?
It didn't matter. With some effort, Sponby absorbed the needles, reversing the energy flow. With a sudden influx of energy, Sponby's body expanded to fill the compartment, eventually spreading to the rest of Neutro and absorbing the robot completely.
A few minutes later, Sponby returned to his normal size and form. Neutro was gone, completely absorbed into him. He felt the titanic being dwelling within him, only a few seconds away from being recalled at any time. Not only that, but Sponby could junction any of Neutro's weapons to himself, calling them up in an instant. They would serve as an effective weapon against any being immune to magic.
But even Neutro was still tied to his shadow form, which could still be disabled by an anti-magic field. Sponby still needed to find a way around that, either by becoming immune, or simply by integrating them into his normal form. Or both, preferably. It was time to head back out into the wide, wide multiverse, and search for even more power.
Sponby appeared in an industrial-looking area. He couldn't control where his portals ended up, but he was pretty sure he'd be able to some day. Until then, he just had to take whatever he got.
Almost immediately, he realized where he was: Japan. How did he realize this? Well, the two giant robots fighting each other was a good indicator. One of them was black, and had a lion motif; the other was about twice the size, and it looked somewhat organic.
The lion robot wasn't doing very well; it was missing a wing and most of its helmet. The bigger robot fired a red laser at the lion robot.
"PROTECT SHADE!" The lion robot raised its left arm, creating an energy barrier that deflected the laser back at the bigger robot. But it just shrugged it off.
Sponby wasn't sure why these robots were fighting, but he wanted in. He shifted to his shadow form, and in barely a few seconds, he had taken on the size, shape and weaponry of Neutro . But he was still in his shadow form, as it offered more defense than any metal could ever hope to provide.
Sponby fired an impressive array of missiles, lasers, grenades and spells at the bigger robot; most of the attacks were deflected, and the ones that did do actual damage were negated by the robot's healing factor.
"Shit, is that thing another Primeval?" Sponby heard a transmission from the lion robot. Oddly enough, Sponby understood it perfectly while still knowing it was spoken in Japanese. Neutro must have a universal translator aboard.
"What the hell is a Primeval?" Sponby asked.
"That!" The lion robot fired its forearm at the bigger robot, though it once again had no effect. Sponby ran toward the bigger robot and fired a number of shadow tendrils, but the 'Primeval' responded with a number of wire-like organic tentacles, intercepting every one of Sponby's tendrils.
"Thanks for the distraction! Come on, Goldy!" The lion robot jumped into the air, returning a few seconds later with a gigantic golden hammer. With a mighty shout of "GOLDION HAMMER!", the lion robot dropped the hammer on the Primeval, converting all but a glowing pinkish-purple core into light.
Without even thinking, Sponby absorbed the core. He could feel its consciousness struggling within him; unlike everything else he had absorbed thus far, this thing too could absorb things, and it was trying to take Sponby as its new vessel. Sponby placed several spells on it, lessening its influence, but it wouldn't give up so easily.
But unfortunately, the Primeval core managed to resist some of Sponby's spells, taking control of his body. Sponby managed to split himself off from the main body, though the Primeval took all of his abilities.
"What did you do!" the lion robot, or more accurately its pilot, exclaimed. "You've just made it stronger!"
"How the hell was I supposed to know?" Sponby shouted back. "You should've told me not to do that!"
"Whatever. Ready for another strike, Goldy?"
"You betcha!" The hammer wriggled in the lion robot's grip. They struck the Primeval again, but it generated an extremely powerful barrier, deflecting the hammer blow. The lion robot staggered back.
"As usual, GaoGaiGar isn't up to the task." A gigantic white robot, about twice the size of the lion robot, appeared out of nowhere. "Allow me to take care of this."
"King J-Der!" the lion robot yelled. "I can handle this! Get out of the way!"
"Back off." The white robot fired a bunch of lasers at the lion robot, taking out its left arm and left leg. The white robot then turned to the Primeval, which was slowly getting bigger and bigger, and fired more lasers at it, but it just shrugged them off.
Sponby wasn't going to stand by in this. The lion robot was damaged, but Sponby still had his absorption powers... He ran to the disabled robot and attached himself to it, beginning the absorption process.
"Hey, what are you doing?" the pilot of the lion robot said.
"Get that thing off of us!" a second voice, coming from the hammer, said. A third voice, sounding like a lion's roar, agreed with them.
"Fuck that, Imma make you my bitches!" Sponby said as his body fully absorbed GaoGaiGar, Goldymarg and Guy himself. Sponby shifted his mass around, making a slightly smaller but fully-repaired Shadow GaoGaiGar.
Sponby quickly realized that the power source behind these mecha far surpassed what he expected. The GS-Ride, and the G-Stones that powered it, could generate tons of energy in a ridiculously short amout of time; the mechas were limited due to using such cumbersome bodies, but Sponby was far more efficient.
Sponby got to work with his new powers. He grew to twice the size of the white robot, dwarfing even the Primeval. He fired multiple Broken Magnums at the Primeval, but it only absorbed them, adding to its mass.
Plan B, then. Sponby recreated a scaled-up Goldion Hammer, funneling vast amounts of G-Stone energy into it. The G-Stones were slightly anathemic to Sponby's shadow form, but he could bear it: unfortunately, the Primeval could too, absorbing the energy and growing even more. The Primeval wasn't even bothering attacking anymore; it knew it could just take Sponby's attacks and gain energy from them.
"Hey you! White guy. Got any ideas?" Sponby asked.
"You damn fool. You've doomed us all!" Soldat-J, the pilot of the white robot King J-Der, replied. "This Primeval has outstripped even my power!"
"Then you won't mind if I borrow yours for a bit!" Sponby's tendrils shot out at King J-Der, absorbing it into himself. And then, a curious reaction occurred; the J-Jewel, the power source of King J-Der, and the G-Stone, the power source of GaoGaiGar, unleashed their respective hyper modes, increasing Sponby's power exponentially.
Not only that, but one of the passengers onboard King J-Der was specially designed to counteract the Primevals; among other powers, he could purify their cores, removing their personalities.
"Alright, let's start combining powers! Goldion J-Quath, bitches!" Sponby fired a huge burst of energy, in the shape of a golden phoenix; the Primeval absorbed some of it, but the rest burned away over half of its body. Before it could begin to regenerate...
"J-Hell and Heaven!" Sponby clasped his hands together; wings of flame erupted from Sponby's back, and a cyclone of green electromagnetic energy immobilized the Primeval. Propelled by pure energy, Sponby flew at the Primeval, ripping out its core and reabsorbing his body. He used one of his many new powers to purify the Primeval core, absorbing the pure Z-Crystal and gaining its power too.
Well, that was fruitful. Sponby returned to his normal size and activated the portal device again, stepping into another world.
GIANT ROBOT FIGHT
"Dad! Dad! There's an army of giant robots headed this way!" a kid decked out in armor said to his father.
"Do not worry, Son! I've built a giant robot of my own for just such an occasion!" the father said.
"But you're a tiger. How did you build a robot without opposable thumbs?"
"Don't worry about that! Come, let us go!" The son, named Son, and his father, named Dad, descended to the basement of their small house. But unbeknownst to Son, deep within the earth lied a great and terrible weapon: the super robot Daikaijin XX! Not only was its body made of Daikaite, the strongest alloy known to man, but its weapons could devastate the planet if left unchecked! It could take on armies of gods, and win! Because it was the great Daikaijin XX
"God, that narrator is hammy." Son said. Well, excuse me, princess!
Daikaijin began its bloody war by killing an entire squadron of Daleks. Their Exterminatus beams were no match for the mighty Daikaijin's Daikaite armor!
"Hahaha, not bad! But you are still men within that suit!" A time-space portal opened, and Megatron stepped out.
"Megatron!" Dad exclaimed. "Him and his Decepticons were the ones who turned me into a tiger."
"What? Why would we do that?" Megatron wondered. "Must have been an AU version of me. Regardless! I have been honoured with new powers from my great master. Behold! I am no longer mere Megatron!"
"Galvatron?" Son said.
"No! I am... Disco Megatron!" The battlefield transformed into a giant dance floor, complete with disco music in the background. Disco Megatron himself started flashing multiple colors.
"You may be the Lord of Disco, but we are the Ultimate Robot Daikaijin XX!" Daikaijin shifted into its Super Mode, gaining a healthy gold glow. Son engaged Disco Megatron in melee combat, while Dad started flinging spells from on top of Daikaijin's head.
"Curses! You may have defeated me for now, but I will return stronger!" Disco Megatron opened another portal and slipped through it. But the portal stayed open, and Sponby stepped through it.
Sponby surveyed his surroundings; there were hundreds of crushed Daleks on a giant dance floor for some reason. A shoddy-looking mecha was standing in the middle of the floor, and there was a tiger standing atop it.
"Am I high?" Sponby wondered.
"You! Who are you?" the tiger shouted. But before further inqueries could be made, every single Power Ranger and all of their Megazords all came out of nowhere lightning fast and swarmed the mighty Daikaijin Z.
"Not to worry, we can handle this!" Son and Dad went to work, but they were quickly overwhelmed.
"Pah! Losers." Sponby transformed into his giant shadow form, an amalgamation of Neutro, GaoGaiGar, King J-Der, Optimus Prime and the Shining Gundam (he'd made some other stops on the way). He utterly dwarfed the remaining Megazords, even the really big ones.
All of the Megazords started charging up their finishing moves, but Sponby destroyed them in a single attack. He absorbed the remains, as well as the remaining Rangers, giving him even more power to draw from. It wasn't much, compared to his already considerable abilities, but every bit helped.
"Who are you?" Dad asked again.
"I am Sponby." Sponby said because his name was Sponby.
"Well, there's more giant robots on the way. Wanna help us fight them?" Dad asked.
"Really? 'Help'? Maybe more like 'do everything for us because we suck'." Sponby laughed. "Just sit back and let Uncle Sponby take care of everything."
"No way! Don't you know what this is? This is the invincible Daikaijin XD!" Son boasted.
"Yeah, whatever." Sponby flicked Daikaijin away with no effort. It wasn't even worth absorbing.
Sponby took care of the rest of the robots with ease; none of them were much of a threat.
...Until Disco Megatron reappeared.
"Seriously? Disco Megatron? What a pansy." Sponby said.
"You won't be laughing once I'm done with you!" Disco Megatron used his Disco Attack, which involved blasting "Stayin' Alive" at 500 decibels. The sonic attack demolished most of the countryside, but Sponby covered his ears, shielding him from the attack.
Disco Megatron then transformed intop his altmode, a psychedelic gazebo. For the first time in his new career, Sponby was slightly afraid; being an avid tabletop player, he knew firsthand the dangers of the gazebo.
Sponby used his own transformation powers to shift into an even deadlier form: Pun-Pun, the 1st-level kobold with divine powers. Unfortunately, even with all of his power, he could only maintain the Pun-Pun form for a few seconds; but he made good use of that time, shifting and locking Disco Megatron into his humanoid form. Spon-Pun then put on his robe and wizard hat, amplifying his magical power enough to cast a wide-range Ultima Disintegration Ray, destroying most of Disco Megatron's body.
"No! I will not be defeated by you! Master, I call upon you!" Disco Megatron's body faded into the void, replaced with an omunous black sky. A massive red figure descended from the sky.
"BEHOLD AND DESPAIR, MORTAL! I AM EXODUS, GOD OF EVIL!" the demon announced.
"Really? Exodus? Hahahaha!" Sponby said, shifting back into his normal form. "Hold on a minute, let me get my magical punchcards."
"I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED SO EASILY THIS TIME!" Exodus said. He raised his arm, summoning deadly floors and grass. Sponby created a powerful Protect spell around himself, though this was only a temporary solution; the grass would break it soon.
"Well, let's see. I've got plenty of power sources in me; let's see what happens when I combine them all? I just hope my body can take it." And so, Sponby started combining powers: GFs, the Black Sword, Lord British's healing and durability magic, Insano's tech, the GS-Ride and Jewel Generator systems and the power sources of the other robots he absorbed, all of the Ranger powers and the Millenium Items that he picked up in a weird world where card games determined the fate of the world.
By doing so, Sponby reached a level of power that qualified him as a Type II Kardashev civilization - that is, having a level of power roughly equivalent to the Sun's output over its lifetime. Cosmically-speaking, it wasn't a whole lot, but it was certainly more powerful than Exodus.
"WHAT IS THIS? HOW COuLD A MORTAL BEING HAVE SO MUCH POWER!" Exodus said in fear.
"Ha! I've become far more than a mortal being!" Mega Sponby boasted. The amount of energy surging within his body annihilated all of the grass and floors in the area. "I'm Sponby, and I'm the most powerful reviewer in the universe! Screw you Linkara, I'm top dog now!"
"HA! LET'S SEE WHAT YOU CAN DO TO ME, REVIEWER!" Exodus said. He created a powerful shield of darkness around himself. "MY DEFENSE IS PERFECT! YOUR MEAGER POWER CANNOT HOPE TO SCRATCH IT!"
"Right, right. Well, I've learned a few tricks too. And I've come up with a technique of my own for once! SWAT TECHNIQUE LEVEL 1: STELLAR FLASHBANG!"
Sponby unleashed all of his power in a single burst, not only piercing Exodus' shield but doing massive damage to his weak point as well. Naturally, Sponby blinded himself with the burst, but he managed to absorb most of the backlash back into his body, only taking minor damage.
A few minutes later (once Sponby's vision returned), Sponby walked over to the remains of Exodus. It was still alive, though barely.
"Ha ha ha..." Exodus laughed. "You fool. You think you're powerful. But there are beings so powerful that they dwarf most gods... and many of them know of you!"
"Really? I'm flattered." Sponby said.
"Fool! My masters only let you live because it amuses them! BUt be warned, grow too powerful, and they will eliminate you without any effort!"
"Yeah, I doubt that. And stop calling me a fool."
"...You're standing in my spot, worm." Exodus spat at Sponby's feet.
"Oh that is IT!" Sponby absorbed the remains of Exodus' body. He had to invoke Arma's power to subdue Exodus' personality, but it was defiant to the end, calling Sponby a number of names that English doesn't have equivalents for. But, like the rest of his powers, Exodus' power was added to Sponby's own, and any last traces of its personality were thrown to the ether.