I do not own Metalocalypse, Dethklok, or any of the characters or settings. I also do not own Fallin' by Alicia Keys on her album "Songs in A Minor".
Okay, this is the first thing I have ever written in this style as well as my first song-fic, so bear with me. I know it probably reads like crap! The actual story is pretty good…or at least I think so. I realize the parts in between the dialogue are not broken English, but I thought it read smoother and made it easier to understand what's going on. Anywhooo, read and try to enjoy this mess-tastic story. Please, please, please be nice to me, but I also want constructive criticism, but not mean criticism. Oh, just read!
I don't know why I love him…I shouldn't. He's always mean to me and makes fun of me. Nothing I ever do is good enough in his eyes, but our relationship is complicated. That is, if you can even call it a relationship.
I keep on fallin'…
I remember when it all started, it was just a day like any other. Nothing special was going on or anything out of the ordinary, but I was upset because of something mean Skwisgaar had said to me. I know what you're thinking, "Why do you let him get to you after all these years of being in the band?" I wish I could give you an answer to that, but like I said…it's complicated.
In and out of love…
I got really drunk and barged into his bedroom. He was playing his guitar as usual and didn't even look up when I walked in. Finally, I shouted out how much I hated him and at long last he looked up from his playing and stared at me.
"Why?" was all he said.
I was taken aback for a moment because I wasn't expecting him to be so calm and I definitely wasn't expecting him to question my reason for hating him.
"Why whats?" I was pretty sure I knew what he was asking, but this gave me a chance to think about what I was going to say when the time came.
"Why do yous hate me?" he stands up and looks at me with out blinking and puts his guitar back on its stand. How many reasons does he want? He's always mean to me and he always says things that he knows will hurt my feelings. This could take all day.
"How long ams you have? Dis coulds take a whiles." I clench my fists together willing myself not to cry in front of him. It's hard for me to express myself without tears when I'm drunk.
"I wants to know this particulars reason why you ams mad ats me." He walks closer to me and I don't know what to expect. "Why ams yous in here and why ams yous drunks ins my room?"
Sometimes I love ya…
"Because…because…you ams always so means to me!" I try to stop the tears, but they form anyway. I lower my head to keep him from seeing them.
He gives me a smug look that I can see from the corner of my eyes, "If you ams talking abouts today, thens I wasn't beings mean, I was telling the truths", he walks closer and puts his hand under my chin, "Thinks about it, little Toki…yous know whats I said was trues." He lifts my head up, making me face him and now I can't stop my drunken tears from falling down my cheeks.
Sometimes you make me blue…
I look into his blue eyes and realize, he's telling the truth, but I can't bring myself to tell him he's right. I just keep my mouth closed as the tears continue to run down my face.
"Maybe yous can't say its, buts I cans", he lowers his face to mine, but I don't stop him from saying what I know is true, "yous never stands up for you self…nevers ands maybe the ways I saids it was harsh, buts I wont's take it backs."
"You didn'ts have to brings them into its!" He knew who I was talking about, earlier that day he said I should have stood up against my parents instead of standing by and letting them push me around.
He laughs, which was something I wasn't expecting, "They ams the only things dat makes yous listen", my tears slide over his fingers, but he doesn't move his hand from my chin, "Why do yous think I push yous around so much?" My lips tremble as his face gets closer and closer to mine, "yous wants to know why?" I nod without really wanting to, "Because it ams so easy."
Before I can object or say anything in my defense, he crushes his full lips down on mine and before I realize what's going on, I'm kissing him back. Suddenly, I remember that I'm mad at him and push him away.
"Stop! What ams you doings?" My lips are tingling and I don't quite know what to make of the satisfied look on his face.
His smile widens as he grabs my wrists, "Provings a point."
"And what kinds of points ams dis?" I try to pull my wrists away, but his grip is so strong.
"The point that I coulds throw yous on dat bed, strips you naked, ands f**ks you until yous can'ts stop the screams from comings outs of yous lips." He pulls me into him by my wrists and kisses me again, this time plunging his tongue into my mouth. I actually enjoy the kiss and can't think of anything I want more than for him to do just exactly what he is suggesting, but the sex will be on my terms not his. I push him away again and this time I step far enough away from him to keep him from grabbing me again.
"No! If we do anythings like dat it ams going to be my decisions", I back up toward the door, "Yous may push me arounds withs guitars playings or whatevers, buts not dis!"
I open the door and walk out backwards, but I notice before I leave the room completely that he still has that satisfied look on his pale face.
Sometimes I feel good…
It ended up not being my decision, he walked into my bedroom a few days later demanding that I give him what I had been promising all week. I had no idea what he was talking about, but when I told him I was confused he got very angry.
"What ams you talkings bout?" I asked sitting up in my bed, "You amn'ts making any sense." He gave me a look of disbelief at my ignorance to the situation.
"Don'ts you plays dumb, Toki, you ams know exactly whats I'm talkings bouts!" He was faster than I thought he was and he was on the same side of the room as me in a few seconds. I looked up at his furious face and only shook my head. "I sees the ways yous been lookings at me ins the dinings room and ats bands practice!" I try to stand up, but he pushes me back down.
"I don'ts know whats yous talkings bout ands I haven'ts looked ats you no differents." I say this as a distraction and attempt to stand up again, but he isn't fooled and pushes me onto my back and straddles my body as he pins my arms to the mattress.
"Dats day you was ins my room, yous mouth told me everythings I needed to knows withouts saying a words ands thens you looks at me across the tables dis mornings ands you eyes saids it all!"
"Buts…" Once again, before I can process what's going on, he roughly kisses me and grinds his crotch against me and suddenly, I realizes what's about to happen.
At times I feel used…
He finally releases my lips, holds my arms above my head with one hand, and begins unbuckling his belt with the other. "What ams yous going to do?" I know what he's going to do, but I can't stop myself from asking.
"I'ms going to strip you naked and f**ks you untils you can'ts stop the scream from comings out of yous lips…justs like I saids I would." He says it so matter-of-factly that I can't even argue. In all honesty, this is what I wanted. I wanted him to dominate me and have his way with me, but I couldn't tell him that. I had to let him think he'd overpowered me and forced me into submission. So I struggled against his grip on my arms and tried to buck him off me and my mind was racing so fast thinking about how much I wanted this that I don't think my performance convinced him, but he didn't stop undressing and eventually he undressed me as well.
Lovin you darlin'…
His hands travel expertly all over my body. Now, don't get me wrong, I've been with plenty of sexual partners, but no one has ever made me feel as good as he did. He knew exactly where to place his mouth and just the right spot to put his fingers, forcing sounds from my throat that I didn't even know I could make. Just when I thought it couldn't feel any better, he lifts my legs over his shoulders and forcefully enters me. I don't really know how to deal with this sensation at first and make a horrible sound, but when I notice the way he is looking at me as if waiting for my permission to continue, I knew I could handle it. I nod timidly and he moves back and forth slowly at first, but when I start meeting his movements, he pumps into me harder and faster. When I chance a look at his face, I can see how much he is enjoying this experience as well. His eyes are closed and sounds of pleasure escape his slightly parted lips. I know he's getting close because he opens his eyes and gives me an urgent look. I nod letting him know that I'm reaching my breaking point as well. He knew when he'd found the right spot, because I groan loudly and beg him not to stop…he doesn't. He cums first and as I feel the his orgasm flow into me, I shudder and cum against his damp skin.
Makes me so confused…
When it's over, he lies beside me on the cramped twin bed and I cry. Without a word, he put his arms around me and pulls me close to him. He never asks why I'm crying and he has never brought it up again after that day. I was glad he didn't ask me to explain because I didn't even understand why I was crying at the time. Later, I realized I was crying because I was in love with him and I knew he would never love me the way I loved him. I cry myself to sleep and the next morning, to my surprise, he's still in my bed with his arms wrapped tightly around me.
I keep on
In and out of love with you
I never loved someone
The way that I love you
Unfortunately, Skwisgaar is an easy man to quickly fall out of love with. Even after our "encounter", he still ridiculed me and made fun of me, but these things I could handle. His actions that hurt me the most were the amount of women going into and leaving his bedroom every day and night. Of course, he never said he would stop sleeping with other people and I didn't expect him to, but I also didn't think I would be as jealous as I was. I found myself wishing horrible things upon these women that I didn't even know because I was so hurt by their presence, but if it bothered him at all I couldn't tell. Eventually, I made my way to his bedroom, where I meant to confront him about his actions. When I entered the room, he was just coming out of the shower. His hair was wet and a towel was wrapped around his waist.
Oh, oh, I never felt this way…
"Yous come backs for more, little Toki?" he smiles a sly smile, but I don't smile back.
"It don'ts look like yous need me", I cross my arms over my chest and frown, "you've hads plenty of companies since dat day." The look on his face tells me he understands where I'm going with this.
"Ams dat why you ams in here?" He walks closer to me with that scowl on his face. "You comes in heres cause you ams jealous?" The scowl disappears and is replaced by a naughty grin. "They ams enoughs of me for thems ands you."
I shouldn't have let his words get to me. I should have left the room and not given him the satisfaction of my jealously, but I can't stop the words that spill from my mouth.
"I bets you do, Skwisgaar." I give him a smile of my own and continue, "Only the biggest sluts like you ands you mom haves enough for everyones…men ands womens."
How do you give me so much pleasure…
I'm feeling pretty proud of myself for standing up to his taunts, but that feeling is short lived. The next thing I feel is his hard fist against my jaw. I fall to the floor and look up in time to see him reaching for me. I am so disoriented that I can't stop him from grabbing a handful of my hair and yanking me back up.
And cause me so much pain…
"Don'ts you EVER compares me to her!" He throws me back down to the floor and I stay there listening to his angry words. "I may be a whore, buts at leasts I don'ts neglect everythings else in my life!"
He finally stops shouting and walks back into the bathroom. I take this as my opportunity to leave and return to my own bedroom. I manage to wait until I make it into my room with the door shut and locked before I let my tears escape. I wasn't really crying because it hurt, I was crying because I was reminded of my father, and I didn't want to believe that the man who had held me so lovingly could be anything like my father.
Just when I think…
We didn't speak for several days and I'm sure everyone noticed our behavior not to mention the purple bruise on my face, but I didn't care. When he finally came to my bedroom, I didn't speak at first and let him do all the talking.
"I knows you ams mad ats me, buts I'ms mads at yous too." He closes his eyes and shakes his head in frustration. "No, dat amn'ts what I cames in here to say." He takes a deep breath and opens his eyes again. "What I cames to say is…well…I'ms…I'ms sorry…you knows, for hittings you." He looks down at the floor and his face turns bright red.
I don't really know what to say, considering he has never apologized to me, so I said the first thing I could think of, "What?" My mind is really spinning at what's happening. "Dids you justs apologize to me?" He looks up from the floor and nods. "I shoulds be the ones apologizing, Skwis", I try to smile at him to break the uncomfortable tension, but because of my bruised jaw, it looks more like a grimace, "I shouldn't haves saids dat abouts you mom ands you…I deserved its." His facial expression changes to one of concern as he shakes his head in disbelief.
"Do yous really thinks dat, Toki?" He continues to shake his head as he speaks. "You never deserves to get hits. Yous dad was an asshole ands dat why I say I'ms sorry because I didn'ts wants to be likes him." I swallow loudly, but I don't interrupt him. "I was mad, buts yous didn'ts derserve dats." I nod and he moves closer to me until he's standing right in front of me.
"I…I forgives you." Okay, I know what you're thinking, I shouldn't have forgiven him. I even promised myself when I left home, that I would never get involved with anyone who hit me, but I couldn't say no to him. It's not that I wanted to forgive him, it's that I needed to forgive him. I needed him to accept me, I needed him to touch me the way he did the first time we had sex, and I needed him to hold me to prove to me that it wasn't all a dream.
"Oh, Toki, yous face looks a mess. I feels so ashamed." He reaches out to touch my face making me flinch and close my eyes. "Toki, don'ts."
I open my eyes and see the hurt in his eyes, "Don'ts what?"
"Don'ts pull away froms me." I force the tears back down and make myself look him in the eyes.
"I forgaves you! Whats more yous want from me?" I back slightly away from him.
"I don't wants you to pulls away whens I try to touch yous. I know you're scared, buts I promise I won'ts hits you no mores." He pulls me into his body, embracing me tightly and this time I don't flinch.
"How do I knows you ams telling the truths?" I let a few silent tears slip from my eyes, but he doesn't notice. He puts his mouth close to my ear and I feel his breath on my skin when he speaks. "Yous don't know, Toki, but yous ams going to haves to try ands trusts me." He releases me from the hug and looks at me with seriousness in his ice blue eyes. "Cans yous do dats…for mes?" I nod slowly and he grabs my hands in his. "Lets me make dis ups to you, Toki. Lets me makes you feel betters." He gives me a sinful smile. "Okay." Is all I manage to say.
I've taken more than would a fool…
He leads me to the bed where I am once again rendered completely naked and he touches me in all the right places causing me to bend to his every will with a delighted sound to accompany each new touch. I let him have his way with me and use me for his needs, but I get what I want as well. I know this is as good as it's going to get with Skwisgaar. I know he will never tell me he loves me and that I'll have to make due with these moments. I finish first this time with my legs wrapped securely around his waist, but he isn't far behind me and cums with a satisfied moan. He repeats his actions from the time before and holds me close to his naked body. I don't cry this time because I know it won't do me any good and just like last time, I awaken in the morning wrapped in his arms.
I start fallin' back in love with you…
We continued our secret "appointments" and he kept his promise and never hit me again, but the more I thought about what we were doing and how it would never be anything more than sex, I became very discouraged with the situation I'd gotten myself into. To make matters worse, this wasn't the only situation I was involved with. My father had died earlier in the year and even though I hated him with every fiber of my being, I still grieved when he died. It was a very confusing feeling, hating and loving someone at the same time. I was so confused that I drank myself into a stupor to keep myself from thinking about it. Everybody was worried about me even if they wont admit it, but they didn't do or say anything to stop me because of our "no concern for band members" policy. Needless, to say they knew about my drinking, but not about the other substances I consumed with my alcohol. Nobody, not even Skwisgaar, knew about my cocaine (among other illegal drugs) abuse.
I keep on
In and out of love with you
I never loved someone
The way that I love you…
Now, to sum it all up, I'm doing hard drugs and alcohol because of the death of my father, not to mention, I love someone who will never love me back…in other words, I've really f***ed myself in the ass this time (no pun intended). Perhaps now, I can get back to the original question, why do I love him? The things is, I still don't know and I don't think I ever will. That's why what I'm about to tell you is going be one of the hardest things I've ever had to tell anyone. Please, don't hate me, because I'm doing this for you, Skwisgaar. When you find out about my overwhelming love for you, it will only sicken you and that will ruin everything that has become of our new relationship. None of the drugs and alcohol I'm doing are in any way a result of anything you're doing. I only hope when you find out what I've done you can forgive me because if you're reading this then I'm probably already dead. I just want Skwisgaar to know that he was the one thing in my life that almost made me reconsider. I'm not doing this out of selfishness. If I were doing it out of selfishness then I would have done it a long time ago. I did this to make the realization of my love for you easier to deal with. No one has ever loved me and I was foolish to think that anyone ever would. Please, don't blame yourself.
With all the love I have,
I, I, I, I'm fallin'
I, I, I, I'm fallin'
"No, Toki, Why didn'ts you tells me dis?" I stand up from the bed and drop Toki's journal. It had been put there on purpose for me to read. I run toward Toki's bedroom hoping that I'm not too late. When I burst into the room, I hear nothing, but I see blood pooling underneath the crack of the bathroom door.
I keep on
I push the bathroom door open and see the brunet guitarist lying in a pool of his own blood. The smell of blood is overpowering everything else in the bathroom and I begin to feel dizzy, but I continue walking closer to Toki.
In and out of love with you…
When I make it completely into the room, I can tell that he's already dead. My eyes begin to fill with tears and even though I know he's dead I don't want to believe it. I haven't cried in over ten years, but now I can't stop the wave of emotion and tears from crashing down around me. I sink to my knees beside him and notice that his eyes are still open as if saying, "I did this for you." I close his eyes with my fingertips, not wanting to stare into those lifeless, blue orbs. Finally, I put my arms around his body and pull him close to me not noticing or caring if his blood soaks through my clothes and onto my skin. I hold him for what seems like hours and only when I put his body back on the cold floor do I notice the knife, stolen from the kitchen, clutched in his hand.
I never loved someone…
I reach over and grab the knife from his already stiff hand and stare at his blood staining the blade. I know there is only one thing that I can do to prove to myself and everyone else how much I really do love Toki. I turn my wrist to face upward and before I can reconsider, I slash the kitchen knife across my wrist and slice through the artery.
The way that I love you.
As my blood pours out and mixes with his blood, I lay beside him on the bathroom floor and wrap him tightly in my arms. I close my eyes and my dying thought is only this…I have never believed in God or a god, but if there is a G(g)od I can only hope that he/she shows mercy on Toki and I and lets us be together in the end and for always.
Okay, I know I usually don't write angsty sad stuff like this, but it just came to me one day while I was listening to my music on shuffle. I had a really hard time writing it in this format since all of those who have read my other stories know I like play format better. I know it probably wasn't written in correct format, but try to forgive me on this one. Let me know what you thought about the content at least and please be nice with your reviews since I'm not used to writing stuff like this. As always, love ya!