Hey, guys. This is my first fanfic EVER so be a little gentle...

When angels deserve to die…

Set in Season 3-4

Characters: Sam, Dean, Bobby

No beta, so all mistakes are mine.


I don't think you trust

InMy

Self-righteous suicide

ICry

When angels deserve to die

-Chop Suey, System Of The Down


Sam knew it. Deep down he knew it. He wouldn't last long without his brother. He realized it the moment he found out about Dean's deal. It was one of the reasons he fought so hard to break it. Not only because he owned that much and more to Dean, but also because even months before the due date he could already feel a ghost of the pain he was soon enough going to experience. And damn that ghost hurt a lot!

However, it was while working the mystery spot case that he finally grasped exactly how bad things would be. During that time without his brother Sam had lost a piece of himself in the progress of tracking down the trickster who so mercilessly played with his life. Hunting had become his obsession, a way to keep him going. He had lost the part of him which had begged him throughout his life to stay human, to stay normal. Samuel Winchester had become so much like his father, it would've scared him if not for his fight to find the trickster and convince it to save Dean.

He got his wish in the end. And even though that part was long gone he still acted quite the same minus some of his most sensitive, brotherly qualities. He was starting to change and Dean wasn't even gone yet. And that was how he knew. If his brother did end up in hell… Well, there were two options to that. He would either be right behind him or he would stay alive, keep hunting and probably lose the greatest part of his humanity. One way or another, without his brother, Sam Winchester would be gone.

Sam tried hard. He did. He stopped at nothing to save his brother. He lied to Dean, they parted ways at some point and in the end he even agreed to use his powers, the most hated thing he had. Of course, Dean wouldn't have it and either way it was too late to work. That didn't stop Dean to ask him not use them in any case while he was gone or to answer Sam's desperate question with "keep fighting". Sam was asking him what was he supposed to do after Dean was gone, he asked the question that had been eating him up inside for a whole year and his brother had told him to keep fighting. How could he? How could he keep fighting without him? And how could Dean actually ask him to do that when he completely gave up everything he had when the tables were turned?

It was Dean Winchester's dying wish and his now heartbroken, guilty, little brother had no real choice but to try. At least try. Because Dean had asked him to. Because his selfless, loving, big brother had died for him and only requested him to keep fighting in return.

And once again he tried. He did. For a whole month he did. The boy who had now become a man had attempted everything to keep himself going. He accepted Ruby's help, he ended up using his powers breaking the promise he made to Dean, he lost himself exactly as predicted. Yet none of it was enough. He couldn't do it, he just couldn't. With mystery spot he had a purpose. Find that trickster. It could bring his brother back, Sam had known it could. This time around, nothing could do that for him. Supposing he found Lilith, killed her, got his long wanted revenge…She couldn't bring Dean back. She couldn't.

So after another failed attempt to seal a deal, he knew. He just knew. There was only one thing left for him to do.


Sam is sitting on a dirty motel bed, head in his hands, crying. Crying as hard as he did when he saw Dean lying on the floor, bloody, lifeless… He shakes his head. He can't think of Dean right now or he'll break before he has the chance to finish everything once and for all. He knows, oh he knows very well… this is not what Dean would have wanted for him. Well, tough. Sam didn't want his brother to go to hell for him either, but Dean didn't even bother thinking about it before he made his both selfish and selfless deal.

Slowly, tiredly he searches his jacket for his cell phone. Sam didn't know a lot of people. He had met a lot, "team Winchester" had saved a lot of people when it was of course… a team. But there is only one person who surely deserves a decent goodbye. Guilt builds up in his heart, threatening to choke him as he realizes his goodbye will be far from decent. Merely a voicemail. Of course, Bobby deserved way more than this, but it is all Sam can give him now. He just doesn't have the strength, the courage to keep going. Even the sound of his breathing sounds like a crime to him.

He isn't lucky, however. Bobby picks up before he has a chance to go into voicemail. Sam's heart clenches at the sound of his friend's or more like father's voice.

"Hello?" Bobby's gruff voice is heard from the other line. Sam has to swallow the lump in his throat before he can start talking.

"Hey, Bobby… It's Sam…"

"Sam? Where are you, kid? Are you ok?" Bobby interrupts, worry more than apparent in his voice. Sam can feel more tears in his eyes, threatening to escape. It's only a matter of time before they do, he's sure of that.

"Look, I don't have much time… I need to-"

"Why? What's going on? Sam, are you ok?"

"Just listen… Bobby, I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry…" his voice breaks just as the tears begin to fall "…for disappearing like I did… And… and that I'm grateful for everything you've done for us… I'm sure Dean would be just as grateful, Bobby. Thank you".

He hangs up. Hangs up before the man who was so much like a father to him has a change to make him change his mind. He can't afford to change his mind now. If he doesn't do it, he'll surely go crazy.

The hard part comes when deciding how he is going to do it. His first thought is the all time cliché of cutting his wrists in the bathtub. It will hurt… A lot. This was probably the reason why he thinks of it. In the sick, guilty, broken mind of his, he deserves all the pain he can get. And pain he will get when he joins his brother in hell. Surely he'll go there, won't he? Suicide is not acceptable in paradise… He knows it will hurt and he's so close to doing it, it's scary. If his brother was there… Sam shakes his head once more. He can't think of Dean, no.

But he does think of Bobby. He thinks of how close the town he's currently at is with Bobby's place. So, there is a chance he will find him, find him before he dies. Because as excruciating it will be to feel his blood seep freely from deep wounds in his hands while he gets dizzier by the minute… it is also a long process, needing time he perhaps doesn't have.

Sam shrugs it off. He doesn't need that pain. He'll get way more where he's going. Way more but nothing more than he thinks he deserves.

Deciding to be as fast as possible, he picks the easier way there is. The perks of having an arsenal in the trunk, huh?

He picks his favorite gun, a gun his brother had before him and his father before that. Funny how both the previous owners of it went to hell. Literally. And how the last one of them is about to follow them, using it.

Sam wipes the tears from his eyes, takes a deep, shaky breath. His eyes are closed, he's sitting on the twin bed closer to the door, the bed that would be occupied by his brother if he was here with him. Eyes still closed, he nods once, determinedly and places the gun under his chin…

Three…

I can do it. I have to.

Two…

He didn't leave me a choice… Not really…

One…

Dean, I'M SORRY!

The loud bang that follows will haunt the man racing to get to the last Winchester in time, who arrives just a moment later than he should.

Bobby Singer will never forget this sound, or the limp, lifeless body he will later hold in his arms.


Dean Winchester came back three months after his brother's death. He was confused, guilty and in desperate need to see the people he loved more than life.

Unable to reach Sam on his phone he ended up at Bobby's place, more than glad to see the man who cared for him more than his own father. Ok, in the beginning it didn't go so well. But who could blame the poor guy who just saw a young man he thought he'd never see again right on his front step? Especially after losing Sam as well, Bobby had stopped believing in miracles altogether.

The hardest part came after Dean proved he's in fact… Dean. It came after the long hug the two men had. It came when the oldest Winchester brother started to ask about the youngest.


"Sam's phone's not working… He's… he's not…?" Dean asks, eyeing the older guy, hiding his desperate need for reassurance that his little brother is alive and well.

A reassurance he doesn't get.

Bobby looks down and runs a hand through his receding hair. How can he tell the boy who gave everything for Sam that his baby brother is no longer here?

"Bobby… What's wrong? What is it?" There is a slight edge of panic in his voice. This isn't what Dean expected. This can't be what he is now imagining it to be. No, Sam… Sam is fine… Isn't he?

"Dean, I'm sorry…" the older man whispers, unknowingly repeating Sam Winchester's last thoughts.

And if Sam felt guilty about his brother's death, then Dean died all over again just by hearing those four little words. Four little words that ended the future ahead of him. Because even if his death now is metaphorical, it won't be long until Dean mimics his brother and make the expression overly literal.


He lasted a week. One whole week. It was more than Bobby had imagined, really. The moment he saw the kid's reaction to his words Bobby knew it wouldn't be long until he followed his brother, making a full circle in just a few days. He also knew there was nothing he could do to stop him as much as he tried. And boy, did he try. But who could change a Winchester's mind?

Sam and Dean Winchester had mirrored each other so well it would be funny if it weren't their deaths we were talking about. The same ideas and possibilities passed through their heads, the same distant message was given to their surrogate father and the same decision was made in the end. The only thing different was the gun used. Bobby had made sure to get rid of the gun the youngest had used, the plain sight of him too painful for him too tempting for Dean. If only that was enough to keep the later alive…

Bobby didn't even bother racing. The moment Dean disappeared he knew exactly what was going to happen. Accepting the fact that he lost the boy who was so much like a son to him for the second time in such a short period the best way he could (which wasn't all that good), he merely tracked his GPS and went to pick up the body. Burying him right next to his baby brother, knowing both the Winchesters would prefer it this way he kept on his endless grieving. Because it wasn't fair. It wasn't right. Because Bobby deserved so much more than I simple goodbye. Because he needed his boys here with him and he couldn't have them.

Not yet, at least.


A month later both Winchesters were back from the dead. The angels needed their vessels, you see. They brought them back just in time for more seals to be broken but to still have enough time to manipulate Sam Winchester enough to open the cage. And boy, wasn't that easier than expected?

What none of the boys had realized before they killed themselves was exactly how bad things had and would become. By the time they were both back, they were empty, guilty and more damaged than ever. Because Dean spent 5 months or better 50 years in hell. Thirty of them getting tortured and twenty of them doing the torturing. Because Sam spent 1 month or better 10 years in hell. Ten years in hell getting tortured and four months in a living hell being alone.

The gap between them had become so huge it was threatening to keep them apart forever. Sam Winchester had become so lost he was barely himself. Dean Winchester had become so guilt-ridden he barely believed. Not that he ever believed in God or any higher power of good, but now he had stopped believing altogether. Stopped believing in himself, in his baby brother…

So just how difficult would it really be to break them? It wasn't really a question, was it? They already were broken. In fact, they were quite more than that.

The real question was: just how difficult would it be for them to put things back together?