Ficawesome Gift Exchange- 3some

Title: Never Say Chicken sexer

Written for: Lisa Fanfiction Harris/ FF - HeartofDarkess

Written By: Prassacut


Summary/Prompt used: meeting via a blind date

If you would like to see all the stories that are a part of this exchange visit the facebook group: Fanficaholics Anon: Where Obsession Never Sleeps or add the C2 to get all the stories direct to your inbox.

Procrastination, a kidney stone, and a dead comp made me post this FAGE one day late. I hope you'll enjoy it Lisa, I know I had a good time writing it.

Thanks to WendyK for beta'ing, and to Delphius & KGQ for pre reading, and the speed-dating idea.

The bar was ugly. I had no idea why anyone would organize dates in such a place; it didn't scream "romantic" at all. There were neon lights everywhere, in green, pink and blue; they reflected strange patterns on the patrons' faces, making them look ill. I suppose it wasn't flattering to me, either.

I tapped my fingers on the table in front of me. I had been nursing my beer for a while and it was now warm, but I kept drinking it slowly. I felt the need to look busy before the evening started. I already had the pen and paper the organizers had given me when I arrived. I kept checking it, wondering how this could even work. How do you judge a person in just seven minutes?

At least I wouldn't be one of the guys who changed tables at every ring of the bell. I don't think I could have moved around the bar from table to table without looking awkward and self-conscious. I already hated being at this table, but at least I could fake a composure. And believe me, that was already hard enough to achieve with a bright blue and green stickers on my chest, spelling out "Edward C.," with the tag line "I'm looking for love" typed under it. Who ever thought these stickers were a good idea should be hunted down and shot.

The bell rang, and a tall blond guy spoke into the mic to explain one last time how thing would go. My face was beet red I avoided looking at him, as if I wasn't part of this "date night". There were a lot of people in the bar and not everyone was here for that reason. People were looking, curious, and a few of them were laughing, certainly mocking the guys there who needed blind dates to find someone.

I wished I didn't need it. Meeting people should be natural. You meet someone and voilà. But it had never happened that way for me. I certainly had met guys but it never worked, and as I got older, it got harder. I didn't know exactly what it was I wanted, but I sure as fuck knew what I didn't want. I just hoped something good would come out of tonight, because I wasn't willing to do this again. I felt as if I was doomed to end up alone; maybe relationships weren't for me after all.

My musings were interrupted when the bell rang a second time. The tall blond guy, Spencer, I think he said his name was, was all cheerful and looked overly happy. I didn't think anyone should be that happy to be in an ugly dive, playing matchmaker. He was smiling so much that it was becoming creepy. Yes, I didn't like people smiling all the time, or laughing too much. Nobody was that cheerful in real life. When I met people like that I suspected they had deep psychological problems. The men who would sit one after the other at my table were standing behind "creepy-smiling-Spencer", waiting for him to give them the number of the table where they'd start.

Staring at my beer, I tried to avoid their eyes. I didn't want to have to start a conversation. I wasn't good at it and I'd probably make a fool of myself. So I waited until a glass appeared next to mine on the table; I knew someone had sat down across from me and I tried to make my best "I'm so lost in thought that I didn't even see you there" impression. The guy knocked his knuckles on the table to make his presence known so I couldn't avoid his stare anymore. When I looked up I saw a guy with short blond hair, or at least I thought it was blond, the pink neon lights above us made it hard for me to really see what color his hair was . I hoped the guy didn't really have pink hair. I couldn't be with someone who had pink hair.

He dragged his chair closer and put his elbows on the table, both hands around his glass. I looked down at his sticker. 'Mike N, I'm looking for love.'

"You know we only have seven minutes right? Now we only have four left."

He had a strange high-pitched voice. Did I want to wake up every day to that voice? 'Good morning, Edward', 'More wine, Edward?' 'Please fuck me, Edward'. Nope, I wouldn't be able to stand it for more than the four minutes left of this 'date'. He might be nice, and clever, and perfect even, but that voice? Nuh uh. "Uhm, hello."

"You don't have any questions?"

I didn't think 'Do you always speak in that voice?' would fly so I kept quiet and shook my head in answer.

"Well, I do." He paused, looked at the giant digital clock that told us how long we had left, then looked me in the eyes. "Do you like threesomes?"

"I-er-uhm-what?" Seriously? That was his first question?

"Are you into threesomes? It's an easy question," He eyed my sticker and added, "Edward. Because I can't be with someone who isn't into that. I just can't."

"I've, er, never tried. Never really wanted to really, I-" why was I even answering him? "No, I'm not."

And that's how I came to spend three minutes in silence with a guy I didn't know. When the bell rang to tell us our seven minutes were up, he was gone in a second. I sighed, relieved, but tensed again when a new guy sat down across from me. Ben C. is also looking for love. I watched him and waited. It made me look mysterious when in fact I was just too lame to find something to say. But Ben looked nice, and I liked his smile. Good start.

He looked at the clock, then cleared his throat. "Can you believe that the last guy I talked to before you didn't know that positrons are the antiparticles of electrons?" He shook his head, baffled, and I wondered for a minute if I should tell him I had no idea what he was talking about. Apparently, it was akin to a crime for him not to have known that; it would be sad to be ignored because I didn't know what the antiparticle of, er, whatever "-tron" was. I didn't realize it, but I was nodding and he must have thought I was agreeing with him because he started talking fast, eyes shining, voice showing his full-on passion for the, er, "-trons".

"I mean, it's basic to understand Coulomb's Inverse Square Law, and you can't do anything without it, imagine if…"

Nope, I wasn't listening anymore. I gave him kudos for mentioning all that in the first minute, but that was all. I didn't get a word of it. Maybe I could have, but he was too far gone to even realize I wasn't following the conversation. I watched him trying to explain whatever with his hands; his arms kept moving up and down and his upper body jerked with each movement. I checked the clock. Two minutes left. I needed those last five minutes of my life back, but even his Coulomb's wah-wah law wouldn't be able to do that.

… "So the polarization of an electron beam means that the spins of all electrons point in one direction." He smiled brightly at me, then as if he was telling me the punch line of a joke, he went on, "In other words, the projections of the spins of all electrons onto their momentum vector have the same sign!"

Just then the bell rang and I couldn't refrain from shouting, "At fucking last!" I put a hand to my mouth, embarrassed. He stared at me, shocked, and without a word stood up and left for another table. Okay, that had been rude of me, but damn, I hadn't had the chance to say one word to him! No wonder the guy was celibate.

Then number three guy sat down. I hoped it would be better this time, third time is a charm, right? I looked up at his stickers. 'James H. I'm looking for love'. Then I looked at him, shoulder length blond hair, nice blue eyes, and a killer smile. Hello, James.

"So…" Well, at least I tried this time.

"So Edward, what do you do for a living?"

"I work for a paratransit company." He asked me a question and it didn't involve threesomes. There was hope.

"Yeah? What is it you do there, then?"

"Uhm, I teach drivers how to drive our buses and how to handle moving things like wheelchairs, in and out of them."


"Yes, for paralyzed people. The company provides a transportation service. It drives them where they need to go and back."

He scrunched up his nose. "And does it pay well?"

I shrugged before answering. "Let's say I get by. But I like my job, so it's all good."

He leaned back in his chair, and looked around before saying, "That won't do."


He looked me in the eye. "I don't want to be with someone who doesn't earn a good living."

"Hey, I get enough-"

"To get by, I know. I want to be with someone who has more than that. Plus, teaching drivers how to move wheelchairs around? Nah, I can't be with someone who does that; it's too lame."

I couldn't believe this guy. I was doing a job that helped hundreds of people each day and he was judging me for not doing something socially shiny enough?

"Well, fuck you, James. Don't let me keep you here, by the way. You can leave now."

"I can't leave. We still have four minutes left. Hey, what do you think about the guy over there?" He pointed to a brown-haired guy a few tables away from us. "His clothes seem nice. I bet he's loaded."

I huffed and gulped my beer. "Yeah, well while the time passes, I'm going to get another drink." I left for the bar where I ordered another beer and waited until the bell rang. I awkwardly tried to hide my sticker the best I could. I didn't want people around me knowing I was there for speed-dating.

When I came back to the table, James was gone, and another guy with blond shoulder-length hair and blue eyes had taken his place. I prayed it wasn't James's evil twin; fuck knows he was piece of work on his own.

"Hi." I leaned my head to the right to check out his sticker before I sat down. "Jasper." H. 'Jasper H.' Shit, he could be an evil twin!

"What's with the face? Am I that repulsive to you?"

"Uhm no, it's just…"

He looked at me expectantly. "Yes?"

I held his gaze, trying to find a way to ask the question. I decided that asking directly would be best.

"Are you James's evil twin?" Jasper stared at me for a moment without blinking. People who don't blink freak me out, maybe as much as the ones who smiled all the time. "Jasper?"

"Sorry, I was assessing how crazy you were, on a scale from one to ten." He finally blinked, took a sip of his drink, then muttered, "What the fuck am I doing here?"

"Oh, I was asking myself the same question earlier."

"And did you find an answer?"

"Well, I suppose that on your scale I'd be a six. The fact that I stayed this long speaks for itself."

He chuckled, then sobered up before asking, "So, what was that about an evil twin?"

I waved a hand. "Oh nothing. The guy before you was weird, and you have the same initial, plus you kind of look alike. Not really, but you know, long blond hair, blue eyes…" Yeah, he thought I was crazy, it was written all over his face. "… and the initial, but I said that already, didn't I? Uhm."

I gulped my drink, avoiding his eyes.

"I'm no one's twin. Actually I'm an only child, so no worries. He was that weird?"

I played with my glass and changed position on my chair. "Not really. But my job didn't suit him; He was rude about it."

"Why? Are you a chicken sexer or something?"

"A what?"

He laughed, then hit the table with his hands. "The look on your face is priceless! Never heard of chicken sexers?"

"I can't say I have, no." What the hell was he talking about? "Are you making that up? My mind is coming up with weird pictures of what a chicken sexer might be, and really, I wish I they'd go away. Actually, I'm not sure I want to know what that job consists of. "

"Nah, it's not dirty. They decipher the genitalia of newly-hatched birds and inventory how many males and females crop up in the bunch."

"Oh." People did that as a job? "Are you a chicken sexer?"

He became serious. "Why? Would that be a problem for you?"

"No, I'm just wondering."

He nodded. "Good." He smiled. "But no, I'm not a chicken sexer."

"Could you stop saying 'chicken sexer'?" Jasper guffawed, then repeated the words several times, dragging out the syllables in a sort of sexy way on purpose. It wasn't sexy at all, only his tone was, but the words cancelled everything out. I caught one of his hands. "No, seriously, you're freaking me out."

"Aw." He stopped, then winked at me and mouthed 'chicken sexer', before holding in a laugh. Badly.

I squinted at him, even if I was amused. "Okay, so what do you do if you're not, er, that?"

Truthfully, I didn't really care what he did. Well, I cared, but he could be whatever, I just wanted to know what it was.

"I work for a video game company. Basically, I play and tell them what sucks. Great job, eh?"
I'd say. Well, I wasn't much into video games, but I guess it was a rather cool job. "It seems."

He shook his head. "The only problem is all the geeks I spend my work day with."
My snort didn't amuse him. "So you don't consider yourself a 'geek'?"

He took a few seconds to think about it. "Not really. I guess I am, but not like them. I mean they're geeks. They listen to awful mainstream music, can't have a normal conversation, talk about girls all day but half of them only dream of touching boobs, and if they don't have a computer in their hands, they aren't happy."

"I thought all those were only preconceived ideas."

"Oh no, no. There are a lot of different sorts of geeks, but those are the worst. And I happen to work with them." He paused, then added, "Don't get me wrong. I love working with them, but my social skills are dying with each minute I spend with them."

He chuckled, and I joined in. "Well, you can-"

I was interrupted by the bell, signaling the end of our 'date'. Damn, I didn't want him to go to another table. He was easy to talk to and nothing he had showed me up to now had put me off. That's when I realized that I had never let go of his hand. My fingers were still wrapped around his. How can you hold someone's hand for almost seven minutes and not realize it? I lifted my hand slowly, touching his fingers a last time as I did and watched him get up. I wanted to say something but I didn't know what.

He stood behind his chair, looking at the next table he had to go to, then back at me. "Okay, I, "he pointed to the next table, "need to go sit there." He didn't move until the guy who was going to take his place at my table was standing next to him.

Jasper waved at me and went to sit down at the other table. He had his back turned to me, and I couldn't see much, but I didn't take my eyes off of him until the guy in front of me tapped my arm.

"So, uhm, Edward. What's your favorite color?"

Oh fuck, another weirdo.


One beer and 12 guys later, I was finally done. This night had been hellish but for Jasper; I had followed his progression from table to table, trying to see if he was having a good time. There was no way around it, I was sort of jealous of the guys he was talking to. I wanted more time with him. We hadn't talked much, and I still didn't know who he was, but I wanted to know. More than that, I needed to know. I hadn't felt like that in years, this want, this need, this impression that if you passed on the occasion you knew you'd miss something big. Now I had to wait in the bar to find out if he wanted to see me again. I had filled out my card, like everyone else and gave it to the organizers. If two guys wanted to see each other again, the organizer would tell us who was interested back. So I hoped he had put my name on there, otherwise I would probably never see him again. The fact that he could write down several names, meaning he was interested in other guys, too, didn't bode well with me. Unless I was first on his list, but I knew my card only had one name on it. I watched as a few guys mingled; most, like me, were just waiting, anxious. Speed-dating was an abomination.

I walked up to the bar, looking up at the hideous neon lights. What the fuck was I doing here again? It really was a bit lame to be here. I shook my head and ordered coke, as I sat down at the bar and waited.

"Hey, chicken sexer. Nice to see you here." I turned around slowly on my stool, until I was looking into his bright blue eyes. Jasper was all sorts of handsome, even under those awful lights. Okay, not really, the lights could ruin anything, but he was still all kinds of handsome. I smiled at his words, but stayed silent. I wanted to be anywhere but here. "So you're not even going to buy me a drink? I'm hurt, Edward."

I finally found my voice and replied, "I'd rather buy you a drink somewhere else."

He sent me a bashful smile. "I bet you would." He had put his hands flat on my thighs as he spoke, and was slowly sliding them up. "I bet you'd rather do a lot of other things, too."

I nodded, entranced by the feeling of his hands, and the way he was leaning more and more into me. He took a step forward and I had to spread my thighs to allow him to come closer.

The semi I'd sported since I'd first turned around became a full on hard-on when he moved his body flush against mine. His hands found purchase on my ass, mine on his waist. Then he kissed me, his lips so soft yet insistent on mine, until I opened my mouth and our tongues finally touched. My fingers gripped his waist tighter as we prolonged the kiss, before I snaked my arms around him and held him fully.

We both broke the kiss at the same time, and I coughed, looking around and feeling slightly embarrassed. He turned my head towards him and kissed me quickly one more time. I really, really, didn't want to be here anymore. "Come on."

"Okay. What bar do you want to go to?"

"I don't want to go to another bar." I gave him a pointed look, then gulped my coke before I stood up. Fuck this bar and everything in it, all I could think about were his hands and mouth on me, and taking off his clothes.

I caught his hand and pulled him with me as I walked out the door. My car was parked really close to the bar and a few minutes later I was heading home, Jasper next to me. He was looking at me, amused, but didn't say a word until I got out my key to open the front door.

"I'm not that easy, Edward."

Once the door was open, I pulled him inside, and pushed him against the wall. I kissed and licked his neck as I unbuckled his pants, and he gasped when I wrapped my hand around his cock. "You were saying?" I stroked him slowly, and he caught his breath before answering,

"Nothing. Keep going."

I kept stroking him and threaded my other hand in his hair, kissing his lips, and sucking on his tongue as I walked backward. I didn't stop until I found the room I was looking for, and we fell on the bed in a jumbled mess of limbs.

He was now on top of me, trying to open my shirt. I suppose he thought it took too long because he then fisted it and pulled, sending all the buttons flying across the room. That was hot, I had to admit, but his mouth was on me, licking and nipping a trail down my chest. I hoped my cock was part of his plan.

And it was. I was so focused on the feeling of his tongue on my skin that I hadn't felt it when he had opened my pants. He closed his mouth around my cock, and sucked, bobbing his head up and down a few times before stroking me with his fingers as he licked the head slowly.

Holy-mother-of-all-things-lubed. God bless speed-dating! "Oh shit, yes. Yes!"

Fuck. Jasper's tongue deserved dirty limericks written about it. I fisted his hair, moaning like a wanton whore; then pushed him away when I felt myself about to come, and he groaned as he whipped his lips and chin with the back of his hand.

I took his pants and shirt off, not really caring if I was too rough. I could only think one thing 'Want. Ass. Now.' No, my dick didn't have much vocabulary, and my brain wasn't really working right then. I pushed him onto his back and lay down on top of him. I was trying to push my pants down using only my legs, and eventually accomplished it with his help.

Kissing him was amazing. The feeling of his body against mine, too. I loved how he pulled on my hair with his hands while he pushed on my ass with his feet. If anyone was to tape the sounds we were making, I'm pretty sure it would be embarrassing for us to hear.

My hand reached blindly for the lube I knew was on the nightstand, and of course instead of grabbing it I made it fall on the floor. I grunted, not willing to let Jasper go so I could pick it up, but I was itching to finger him so that helped me decide. I made quick work of it; a few seconds later I was on top of him again, and his feet were back on my ass.

I held myself up with my left elbow, resting next to his head, and tried to open the bottle. He took it from me and slowly lubed the fingers on my right hand, then led them down to his ass. Jasper kissed me as I pushed two fingers into him, his body swaying to the rhythm as I fingered him.

His cock slid against mine with each motion, making me shiver. Fuck, I loved having him writhing under me, his grunts getting louder as I finger fucked him faster. Jasper hit my arm hard enough to jerk my fingers out of his ass, and before I could protest, his own fingers were spreading lube over my dick. He lifted his legs higher as he pulled me closer to him, my cock now against his ass. I only had to push, and that's exactly what I did.

He let out an 'Oh, fuck' and I had to admit I could only agree with him. 'Oh, fuck' indeed, there were just no other words. There was only our skin touching, and his breath on my neck; his mouth kissing me and his fingers gripping my back, my hands unable to let go of him, and the feeling of my cock being sucked in by his ass. And the moans and grunts we made, asking for more, always asking for more.

When the word 'harder' left his mouth; I did. Harder, faster, always harder and faster, my mouth never leaving his skin, my tongue always licking and nipping, tasting the sweat that slowly covered his body as I felt my own dripping down my chest. At one point it almost became too much, being lost in him like that; as my orgasm took over, I chanted his name, desperately gasping for air.

I felt his body arch under mind as he came, too, his nails biting into my shoulders. I rode out my orgasm watching him, his head leaned back, his mouth half open on a moan he couldn't let go of yet. He rubbed his cock as much as he could on my abs, but I knew he needed more to ride his pleasure all the way. I reached between us, grabbed his cum-covered cock, and stroked him with a sure hand.

His eyes were on mine as he called my name and one last spurt of cum coated my fingers.

I let go of his cock and resumed my position as we kissed for a few minutes. I didn't think I would ever get tired of that; of us. My soft cock slid from his ass, and I changed position, lying on my side next to him, one of my legs draped over his, my head on his shoulder. Jasper kissed my forehead, before chuckling.

"That bar really is an abomination. I think it's even worse than before."

I lifted my head to look at him. "It is! I told you that, but no, you wanted to go there anyway."

"It's where we met. Of course I wanted us to go there." I made a face so he added, "It's my romantic side coming out. What can I say?"

"That evening five years ago was dreadful, Jasper."

"You say that because you had to hear the words 'chicken sexer" most of the night."

We laughed, then I kissed his hand. "Speed-dating is scary, and yes, 'chicken sexer' still creeps me out."

Jasper rolled over to rest on top of me. "But you got me out of it."

True, I had. And my name had been the only one on his card. Before I could say a word he kissed me, then smiled. "Happy anniversary, hubs.

Thank you for reading! Tell me what you think!