A/N: Huge thanks to the red panda alchemist and Ari-tenshi for reviewing, and of course to everyone who favourited and/or alerted. Here's to you! Also, not too much NaruSasu, more Sand-Sibs (Temari, really) for this chapter.
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, Twilight or Snuggies. Fuck yes, I put them all in the one chapter !
Warnings: Mentions of rape and pedophiles (in jest). Oh, and the massacring of squirrels.
"So, Temari, what do we have today?"
Dr. Kabuto was sitting across from me like a… like some sitting thing.
Like a sitting rapist.
"Fuck you. And 'we' have nothing. If anything, I am repulsed by you. And not the type of repulsion that breeds sexual tension. The type that dissolves your oesophagus from the sheer amount of acidic bile raping your throat each day," I spit out, a look of perfect apathy on my face.
"Hmm. So today we have… let me guess… depression? Bipolar disorder? Adolescent antisocial behaviour? Hmm, what haven't you done yet? Oh-! I know exactly what you suffer from. Megalomania," Dr. Rapist sneered.
"I hate to repeat myself, but… fuck you," I sneer right back. Creepy motherfucker is going down if he thinks he can take me on.
"I'll put you on some anti-depressants-" I groaned- " and have you evaluated in two months time. If you have any problems with the medication or need someone to talk to, feel free to come see me." No, thank you. I actually don't like candy, or white vans. "If that's all for today, I'll have you started right away."
"What about if I suck you off?"
"He has no sense of humour!" I yelled at the Big Boss.
Tsunade, like the Boss she is, turned and gave a glare that could wilt dicks off heads. "Temari! Sexual promiscuity can be seen as a symptom of a mental illness, you fuckshit," she ground out between clenched teeth.
"I'm in a mental asylum, aren't I?" I prayed someone would appreciate the irony.
"Because of your brother, yes. He has a unique case which allows his immediate family to stay with him-"
"Exactly. It's not like Kankuro or I could just squat in some random hospital room. We even have to undergo examinations and shit. I know we have an odd arrangement, but-"
Tsunade went ape shit. "IF you are seen as unfit to care for Gaara, he will be taken out of your temporary custody and placed somewhere far less lenient than this, let me assure you, Temari. You think it's hard here? You think talking to Dr. Kabuto is a terrible thing? You think the people here are crazy? Try seeing the next fucking mad house your brother will go to if you don't pull your shit together. I know it's a lot of stress on you, which is why we send you to the therapy with the Doctor. So shut the fuck up and pick your tits off the floor- we all have to do shit we don't like, princess," she grumbled. Halfway through her tirade a large stack of unfinished papers had been bitch-slapped to the floor, now I picked them up and dumped them on Tsunade's formidable desk.
With a fucking apple on top, 'cause I'm such a good girl.
I wonder if being unable to express your feelings or opinion without employing the use of sarcasm is a disorder?
"I'm sorry, Tsuande. I'll try really, really hard from now on not to be an annoying fuck, I swear," I promised solemnly. The Boss flashed me an appreciative smile before flipping me the bird.
"Now, get the fuck outta my office."
"Yes, ma'am," I chuckled.
I always did like her.
"Faaaaark," I breathed. Kankuro shot me a WTF look while Gaara continued to mentally murder fuzzy squirrels, or something.
"What?" Kankuro asked, looking towards the entrance of the cafeteria. The guy from group therapy yesterday- Sasha? Saskia? Ass-gay?- strolled in, head down, hands in pockets. "Oh. You know, he's not even that good l-"
"Don't." Kankuro must be silenced. Immediately. The ice isn't thin, it's fucking Ino. "Do not blaspheme, you slatternly wench," I said. He just rolled his eyes at my antics and tried talking to Gaara.
Meanwhile, I pulled a Hinata and started some not-so-subtle stalking of the Hottie. He was sitting at his own table, picking at a tray of untouched food and generally looking like a Cullen.
"Is it weird I'm picturing him naked and sparkling?" I asked of no one in particular.
Gaara let out a long-suffering sigh.
It was during group therapy. I had been staring (in contempt, fuck you very much) at a too-familiar head of suspiciously pineapple-shaped hair, when I suddenly pieced something together.
A brilliant idea. Something that shat all over the Trojan Horse, or the Internet. Hell, it even beat snuggies. This idea was revolutionary, and would no doubt set things into irreversible, incorrigible motion.
I'd get onto Dr. Pedo's good side by offering up a fine piece of jail-bait.
"-even though we might feel conflicted, we know the right choice is to just say no," Sakura finished in a bored voice. She snapped the book in her hand closed, and raised her head to look at us. "Now, does anyone have any questions?"
Ino's skeletal hand shot up into the air, her drawn face alight with… mischief?
I swear, I even saw her eating, too. Whatever the fuck was going on, it better keep happening.
"Yes, Pig?" asked the sickly sweet nurse.
"How was your night Sasuke?" So that was Jail-bait's name. " Did you sleep well?" Ino was facing the poor kid head on, a look of concern on her face.
Ino gasped in mock horror, "Oh, you poor thing. Of course you didn't get a minute's rest, you were probably tossing and turning in your makeshift bed all night!"
"We'll have that fixed right away, won't we Billie?" The blonde asked Sakura, using her shorter nickname.
"Yes we will, Ino, so why don't crawl back into your sty and let others ask genuine questions?" the young nurse admonished. Ino pouted, causing Sakura to sigh. "Ugh, fine. Sasuke, we've decided to move you into room 128. I'll have a nurse guide you there after this meeting. The same nurse will guide you, Kiba, to your new room. And no arguments; these are Tsunade's orders."
Hmm… so Sasuke's replacing Kiba… who rooms with Naruto… who…-
Wait a minute.
Wait. A. Minute.
Sasuke is replacing Kiba, and is therefore sharing a room with Naruto.
Who loves me.
And would probably help me lure aforementioned Jail-Bait to Dr. Pedo.
"-that's all then we may as well finish a few minutes early. Hinata, could you please escort Sasuke?" Sakura's voice drilled through my epiphany, dragging me back to boring reality.
The crowd was slowly dispersing as people went their separate, insignificant ways. I caught sight of hair the colour of sun, and a smile the warmth of it. I immediately rushed to Naruto's side.
"Nazza, I have a favour to ask," I told him. He grimaced slightly at the pet name but slowed to walk with me none the less.
"I thought I told you; you don't need to ask for sexual favours," he said, winking. I turned grin at him when I saw them.
"What. The. Fuck? What the fuck are those?" I yelled. I'd almost flailed into a wall when I first saw them.
"My God. Don't get me started; it was Kyuubi," he groaned, slapping his face in frustration. I winced at the mention of Kyuubi.
"Look, this might not be the best time, then, but I was wondering… would you be willing to help me sell your new roommate to Dr. Snake-in-the-ass (see what I did there?) in order to clear my name of any strikes?" I'd gotten quieter as I asked him, the idiocy of my plan silencing me until the final word was barely more than a squeak.
Naruto considered what I'd asked before humming out, "No. He seems… nice."
I rolled my eyes. "Teen romance… ew."
"Fuck you," he chuckled.
"Oh, God, I'm corrupting the young ones. Please tell me at least your virtue is still in tact!" I called across the cafeteria as he walked to his table and I went to get a snack. A few people in between us turned to stare, but most people were used to our shit.
"Innocent as a four-pigtailed whore, I assure you!" he called, smug smirk on his fucking whiskered face.
Man, I love that cheeky little fucker.