disclaimer: disclaimed.
dedication: Celia. SWEET PRINCESS.
notes: I should not be allowed to BLEACH. That is all.

title: quick fixes for college students
summary: I hate you. Not sorry, bro. — Ulquiorra, Grimmjow.

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"You're never gonna make the deadline, dude. It's due tomorrow."

"Shut up."

"Fuckin' ridiculous," Grimmjow yawned and threw himself down on the tiny cot in his dorm room. He ran a hand through the electric blue hair on his head, humming to himself—time for another dye job.

They'd been roommates since the start of the year. And, like a fair amount of roommates, they really didn't like each other. Ulquiorra was quiet but insipid and Grimmjow was loud and… well, Grimmjow. There weren't really words to describe him other than his name, and most people had stopped trying.

But to put it in perspective:

Ulquiorra was pre-med. Grimmjow was on a football scholarship. Ulquiorra didn't date as a rule. Grimmjow was sort of a slut (okay, not sort of. Completely. Like. Every-girl-in-the-year. Like. Anything-with-legs-and-a-vagina-and-sometimes-only-with-legs-depending-on-how-drunk-he-was. Sort of a slut.) Ulquiorra hated parties; he hated interaction in general. Grimmjow spent a fair amount of his time trying to escape schoolwork just so that he could go party.

The fact that they'd someone ended up rooming together was something of a horror.

But the fact that they managed to survive together in one room was nothing short of a miracle.

"Stop humming," Ulquiorra ordered, shooting Grimmjow one single, loath-full glare. He had a thesis paper to finish for Modern Political Thought. He'd been fiddling with it for days, but—

Grimmjow took this as a challenge.

Or, at least, he took this as a challenge to bother Ulquiorra until he snapped, thesis paper be damned.

(This was not the smartest he had ever done.)

It started small. Grimmjow flicked a tiny ball of paper at Ulquiorra's left ear.

Ulquiorra twitched.

Grimmjow's mouth lifted up in a manic grin, and he flicked another miniscule ball of paper at Ulquiorra's left ear.

Ulquiorra twitched again.

Then it was eraser bits, pencil lead, then the pencil itself. Then it was pens, and then it was everything that he could reach. Grimmjow thought it was very satisfying to watch his unflappable roommate steam.

For a moment, it was very quiet.

Ulquiorra stood, blank-faced, and closed the door.

And then:

There was a crash, snarled expletives, and the sound of utter destruction.

Outside the closed door, two girls looked at each other.

Hallibel examined her nails. "How long do you think it'll be 'til they fuck?"

"Eh," Nel shrugged vaguely. "I give 'em three days."

fin.