Breaking Your Own Heart

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, Stephenie Meyer does or Beautiful Disaster, You Found Me, Let Me Down and Breaking your own Heart all by Kelly Clarkson.

Summery: Bella has conflicting thoughts about her relationship with Edward after accidentally reading a message between him and Emmett. All Human.

Bella's POV.

I was just staring at the screen for what seemed forever. It never changed but part of me wished it would. Just sitting here staring at the same thing for so long was starting to hurt my eyes. Not to mention what these words were doing to my head. I continued to go through the possibilities in my mind but only ever coming back to the same conclusion. The same horrible conclusion.

(Let Me Down)
i am too smart to let you in here
but i'm just dumb enough to linger
i wanna think that you'll be different
smoking mirrors are so clever clever
i picked him and things went so bad
then what you say won't actually happen
i've been dying to open my eyes
see you try instead of always leaving me out to dry

you're only gonna let me down
when it counts, you count down
you're only gonna turn me out
as i burn, you burn out
you're only gonna make me feel so crazy
but when i think we could be something
you go and let me down, let me down, oh

He had to go. … I knew that but at the same time I couldn't stand to see him leave. In the end I already knew he would say yes and I'd be happy for him. This was a very good thing … for him. I'd be happy for him when he finally got around to telling me, which he hadn't yet. But still I'll be happy, on the outside. … On the inside I'm sure my mind will still be arguing with myself on how I feel about all this. How I'll feel to watch him leave, … again. I know he must have a good reason for keeping this from me but at some point he will have to tell me and I'll have to give him a response. I'll have to say something but I just don't know what I'll say to him about this. All I know for sure is that I have to tell him to go.

(End of an instant message between Edward and Emmett.)

Edward: Yeah I know it's a great job opportunity.
Emmett: So whatcha go'n 2 do?
Edward: … I don't know.
Emmett: Its in another State bro.
Edward: I know that Emm. I just don't know what I'm going to do.
Edward: I don't even know if its for sure yet.
Emmett: Yah well U should take the job.
Edward: … I don't know. Look I think she's here.
Edward: I'll be back later.
Emmett: K Deal with her. Ttyl bro.
Emmett has logged offline.

Edward had let me into his apartment and rushed off to finish getting ready for our date tonight, leaving me alone in his living room with his laptop still sitting open on the couch next to me. He must have forgot to close it before answering the door but it was too late now. I didn't mean to read his conversation with his brother, all I was going to do was check my mail, but then I saw the words. Now I can't stop staring at the message board. I know Edward will soon be coming out and I'll have to pretend not to know anything but my head was already spinning.

"Hey Bella, sorry it took me so long." Edward called as he walked out of his room and down the hall towards me.

"Its ok." I said back softly mostly afraid to hear the horror in my voice, I tried to swallow around my fears.

I carefully closed the top on his laptop before he entered the living room and rearranged my face so he wouldn't be suspicious when he saw me. Edward always seemed to read me so clearly but today I hoped I could fool him, just this once. He came in with the brightest smile on gorgeous face and I couldn't help smiling back up at him as he came to sit beside me. Edward leaned down and lightly kissed my forehead before taking my hand to hold.

"I'm so excited about our date tonight Bella!" Edward said still smiling that perfect smile, it was as if he wasn't even thinking about the words from the conversation he had moments ago.

I of course, couldn't get them out of my head. "Yeah, so am I." I answered back trying my hardest to keep my panic at bay.

He was silently staring into my eyes for a while. "Is there something on your mind Love?" Edward asked simply.

"Yeah I'm alright." I said and slightly turned away, grabbing my bag on the table so he wouldn't know I'm hiding something.

"Ok, then are you ready to go?" Edward asked as he stood and reached out his hand to help me to my feet.

I turned back with my bag and eagerly took his hand. He lead me around the couch and out the front door, hand in hand. I had no idea where we were going or what we would be doing on this date tonight but suddenly that didn't matter, so long as he was with me. As we were walking to his car I noticed that as long as he was close I wasn't as worried about things to come. I couldn't completely keep my mind from wondering back to the computer screen and the words I read there but having him around helped. I was more relaxed and my smiles were more real now.

"So when are you going to tell me, Edward?" I asked as he drove down the street, my eyes watching the blurs of green and browns.

"You'll see where we're going once we get there, Bella." Edward said happily as he glanced over at me every so often.

I could sense his eyes glancing in my direction more often than I thought necessary. In fact it seemed like his eyes were on me more than they were on the rode, but that could have also been my paranoia setting in. I was just too frightened to look over to find out in fear of him reading my expressions again. Without Edward's hand holding mine it was harder to keep my mind on other things, I kept wondering back to what if's and painful thoughts of leaving.

"I know how you feel about this kind of thing, Bella but please try to enjoy yourself tonight." Edward suddenly said as he continued to drive, probably thinking my silence was because of our date and my hatred of all things surprises.

My thoughts were brought back to the present and the car I was riding in with the most amazing man ever. I turned to smile back at him when his words struck my memory again. I really should have let the news of him leaving ruin such a special night. After all, Edward hadn't even really told me about this yet and so I shouldn't know anything. I decided to take my mind off worries for the time being until the time came when he finally told me himself. I'd worry and handle the situation when the time comes.

"I'm sure I'll have a great time tonight because I'll be with you." I said with more honesty than I was expecting but I was with him after all, how could this night be anything but exciting.

"I'm glad to hear that then." He answered turning back to the road in front of us and pulling the car into so parking lot.

"Where are we?" I asked as I tried to get out of the car but Edward suddenly reached across me and pulled the door closed again.

"Not even going to give me a chance to be a gentleman tonight, are you Bella?" Edward said teasingly as he quickly got out of the car and rushed around to open my door for me.

I softly chuckled at his antics and happily took his hand as I got out of the car. "You know, you don't have to do everything for me in order to be a gentleman, right?" I asked skeptically.

He chuckled wholeheartedly. "True but I also very much enjoy doing everything for you. Your reactions are priceless." Edward answered happily. "Now, come on Love."

As I allowed Edward to lead me across the mostly empty lot, I looked around to try and guess where we could have been. Nothing looked familiar and I knew that we weren't in town anymore because even with Edward driving it took us hours to get here. That alone was more than enough to make me worry but only because I wasn't sure where we were and now we could be almost anywhere. Edward always goes over the top when it comes to surprises … and well everything else. I guess it was just natural for him since his entire family was rich and they all spend money like it was nothing. You would think they would all be up tight and rich people like but that was far from the true. Esme and Carlisle did well to raise their kids with money and real life goodness.

"There is nothing here, Edward?" I asked confused, there was nothing around but empty lots and abandoned buildings.

He gently squeezed my hand. "Its just a little farther." Edward assured me with a soft smile. "If its too far for you, then I'd be happy to carry you there."

"Um, yeah. No, Edward." I said rolling my eyes. "I can walk just fine, I just don't see what could possibly be out here?"

He chuckled softly. "Trust me, it will be worth it once we get there Bella." Edward explained as we walked around a rather old and broken down building, … seriously where is he taking me?

When we rounded the side of the building I saw something amazing. It was a beautiful open field in the middle of this waste land destroyed buildings and broken roads. It looked as if this was once a nice neighborhood park or something. The trees and flowers were still in perfect health, the grass was freshly cut and there was a small fountain right in the center of this mysterious place. The fountain was simple and still had running water. Everything outside of the grass looked horribly run down but within the park everything was perfect. As we got close, Edward lead me over to a small bench sitting over by the fountain and I sat there in aw of what was around us. It was getting closer to sundown but there was still a lot of light and birds singing in the trees. It was all beautiful!

(Beautiful Disaster)
Oh 'cause I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

I'm longing for love and the logical
But he's only happy hysterical
I'm waiting for some kind of miracle
Waited so long
So long

He's soft to the touch
But frayed at the end he breaks
He's never enough
And still he's more than I can take

"So, … what do you think?" Edward asked as he pulled my into his side and wrapped his arm around me securely.

"Please tell me you don't OWN this to?" I asked and only partially worried as to what his answer was going to be.

He chuckled. "No I don't." Edward answered softly and I relaxed into his side again. "It did belong to an old friend of my but when they aren't around I look after the place for them."

"Of course, … why am I not surprised?" I asked sarcastically just slightly under my breath, Edward started laughing softly.

"Alice was talking to me about colors and décor again last night." Edward said simply after a while of peaceful silence.

I sighed softly, this wasn't my favorite subject but now I was even more set off by the topic because the news I shouldn't know but still do. "Edward, isn't Alice done planning the whole thing? Why must she keep bringing it up?" I asked feeling drained and unwilling to talk about this anymore.

"Come on, Bella." Edward said lightly kissing my forehead. "She means well but you know how much she loves planning things Bella. Alice just can't help talking about these things."

"Yeah but its our wedding and we aren't even engaged yet." I complained again for the millionth time since she started.

"Well, yeah but it can be fun sometimes." Edward said softly, he was trying to be nice about this because Alice was his sister after all but really, we weren't even dating that long.

"I don't want to talk about this, I just want to enjoy this magic land and the pretty sunset." I said dodging the subject.

"At the very least we should humor her, right?" Edward asked as he glanced off at the setting sun. "For now anyway?"

I didn't want to talk weddings and colors or any of that anymore for a few reasons. The newest reason being that Edward may be taking this great job someplace and he'll be leaving. Besides, Alice always goes over the top with everything she does … much like her brother. And weddings had never really been a topic of choice for me. In fact, I pretty much never thought about weddings or marriage in my life. Alice forced the conversations out of me now because she was certain that Edward and I were destined to be together forever. … I wasn't so sure. I mean, I love Edward more than anything but I've just always known he would leave me one day. He would get bored or just simply move on to someone better suited to be with him. Someone just as perfect as him. Alice refused to believe my (what she calls ridiculous) views of our future but I don't see how she can look at him and then back at and then see us staying together for long. Edward could do better.

"Maybe I just want to see her happy." Edward suddenly said still watching the darkening sky. "Alice is my sister after all and you Bella, I want to see you happy as well! Is that so bad?"

"I'm happy now." I said simply as I cuddled closer to his side and he tightened his grip on me so slightly.

"I'm glad to hear that, really." He said with a crooked smile, soft yet not quite as happy as before.

The more I thought about this conversation the more I just wanted to forget everything. I mean as if the surprising news wasn't bad enough now I have to deal with a topic, that I not only hate but, only becomes more useless because of that news. I just didn't want to think about things that would probably never be.

"Do we really need to talk weddings though?" I asked suddenly as I realized I just couldn't do this anymore.

"No, of course we don't." Edward said looking back at me with a full smile again. "We can talk about anything you'd like."

I want to talk about this new job thing. "I don't know what to talk about, anything I guess." I said cowardly. "How about you, is there anything new to talk about from you?"

"Umm, well Rose tried to take Emm shopping with her the other night." Edward offered slightly taken off guard. "She will probably never make that mistake again considering what I heard from him earlier today. Rose must have almost killed me!"

"Talk about anything else with Emmett lately?" I asked in a very small voice, almost so quite that I thought he might not have heard.

"Why would you ask that?" Edward asked confused. "Bella is there something you want to talk about tonight?"

I accidentally read your message with Emmett today. "No reason really." I said quickly … probably too quickly. "I was just wondering what else Emm and Rose have been up to lately."

He quickly turned so he was fully looking at me now and I felt very cold without his touch. "Bella what are you talking about?" Edward asked and his tone was skeptic. "If you want to talk about something then all you had to do was tell me."

I took a deep breath and carefully averted my eyes away from his face, I didn't want to see the look there once I told him. "Your laptop was open when I came over today." I whispered softly.

It was silent for a moment. "… Ok, Bella you lost me." Edward admitted. "What does my laptop have to do with Emm and why are you suddenly avoiding me?"

"I'm not." I quickly defending but even he knew it was a lie. "I mean, I'm just … never mind, it was stupid."

"No, please just tell me." Edward begged as he tried to get me to look back up at him again. "I just don't understand what's wrong here. Why do you care so much about Emmett's plan and my la…" He paused suddenly and everything froze.

I didn't look away from the spot of grass beneath my feet. I was too afraid to see the realization dawning in his eyes and know that I'd read him private message with his brother. I knew he'd be mad but I also knew I had to tell him for him to understand why I was acting so strange. I just couldn't take knowing and not talking about this anymore. I wanted to know why he hadn't said anything to me about this job yet but then I thought he was just trying to wait until he knew more about everything. But I already knew and I really needed to stop acting like I didn't. We needed to talk about what all this would mean for us now. And it would mean change.

"You saw the message huh." Edward asked but there wasn't much question in his voice, he knew I had. "Bella I really don't know anything yet, otherwise I would have told you."

"I know that." I whispered back still not looking up.

"Why didn't you say anything before?" He asked.

"I thought you'd be upset about me reading your message." I answered honestly. "I really didn't mean to read it anyway."

"I'm not upset with you, Bella." Edward told me as he reached out to lift my chin so I'd have to look at him again. "I'm a little upset with myself for leaving up in the first place but I'm not upset with you. I could never be upset with you for something that was my fault. I was the one that didn't tell you. I also don't even know what this all mean or even if I'm going to get and take this job. Its pretty far away and I'm not sure if this will work."

I knew what he meant and what he was saying but in my mind I knew that he really should take the job. It would be great for him. He'd never really been a fan of staying in this town his whole life so this was a good way for him to get out. I know I didn't know anything about this job but Emmett seemed to think it would be a good idea for him and I liked to think I could trust that.

"You should probably take the job, Edward." I said looking into his eyes, I knew it would be for the best. "It really sounds like a great opportunity and I think you should really think about this."

I was trying to hold everything back but I suddenly broke. I could feel everything inside of me breaking dawn. The tears rolled down my face uncontrollably, I was crying. All I wanted to do was run away and at the same time hold him to me so he couldn't leave.

"Bella, … Bella what's wrong Love?" Edward asked and I could see and hear the panic he was feeling, he pulled me into his arms and I was helpless as I sobbed into his chest. "Bella?"

"I … I'm s, … so… sorry." I whispered in between sobs.

"Bella, Love what's wrong?" Edward asked as he held me and started rubbing my back gently. "Please, tell me?"

"I'm sorry. I just know that you should go." I said softly into his chest after a while of me just sobbing. "I also know that I want you to stay but I can't allow you to miss this because of me."

He was silent for a moment longer. "Oh. …" Edward started in a breath. "Oh Bella, I know this is a lot to handle right now but really it won't be that different. I mean, you practically live at our house as much as your own. Moving to a different state would only be like moving together in a place of our own. And we really don't need to talk about all of this just right now. Trust me, it'll …"

"What?" I asked suddenly confused now and for a moment my tears stopped only for me to cling to him tighter. "What are you talking about, Edward? Me … moving. What, … with you?"

"Well, … Yeah?" Edward said confused as well. "You didn't really think I'd be moving and not take you with me? What, you thought I'd leave you here alone? Bella you're the love of my life, why would I take this job and leave you here?"

"You … wait, what?" I muttered. "You want me come with you? But what about moving on and, … and better things? What about this opportunity for you? You could have anyone now."

Edward suddenly pulled my arms back. I was forced backwards and my head snapped up till my eyes were locked with his narrowed melted green ones. The way he was looking down at me was almost … angry? But I'd never seen him looking this way at me before, maybe at Mike but never me! I wanted to look away again, his gaze was only confusing me more, but I couldn't.

"Bella, how could you possibly think I'd want someone else, … anyone else?" Edward said firmly pulling me back into his arms and embracing me tightly. "I will never want anyone but you!"

And with that I started crying all over again. This time some many thoughts crossed my mind and all of which had to do with him. He was the sweetest, kind hearted, and perfect man that I could never truly have. … Edward was far better than anyone I could possibly end up with. My life would end up being so insignificant compared to his. I love him with all my heart but I know he could do better.

"Bella, … please stop crying." Edward begged as he continued to hold me and run his fingers through my hair. "I don't understand what I did? If it was because I was yelling … it wasn't at you Bella, I just don't understand how you could think that?"

"But you deserve better." I whispered into his neck and held him closer. "Edward I don't get it, … I don't understand why you're even with me! I know you love me and I love you but how can you be with me when you deserve so much more? I've always known this wasn't going to last forever between us but you're making things very difficult on me. You encourage Alice and the others when they all start talking about future plans and weddings but what about us? We know we aren't meant to be so what are we even doing here? … I can't stand this in-between anymore! I need you to answer me up front and straight. Are you going to leave me or not, are you going to tell Alice to stop talking about weddings?"

"No. … No, no, no." Edward muttered and started shaking his head slight and holding me tighter. "This is not how this night was supposed to go. I wanted everything to be perfect and now all its got me was my girlfriend crying all night. And as far as not deserving is concerned, what makes you think I'M the none deserving one? How could you even think that lowly of yourself? Bella, I do love you … more than anything and nothing can change that! As far as marriage goes, … well I know you don't like to talk about so I try not to think about it myself. Sometimes I do and its nice but it doesn't have to happen as long as I still have you!"

I didn't say anything, I couldn't say anything. I simply rested my head against his chest and slow took in his words. Edward seemed to truly mean everything he was saying and I couldn't help but to notice how he was probably right. I have been crying most of the night now and my view of myself is rather low but I couldn't just believe that he was right about one thing. … Edward did deserve better than me, even if he didn't think so, but still … here he is! After everything I've put him through and all that has happened, he hasn't left yet. He didn't leave. … That has to mean something right? I know I can be confusing to people but somehow he always finds a way to break through that and find the real me.

(You Found Me)
So, here we are
That's pretty far
When you think of where we've been
No going back
I'm fading out
All that has faded me within
You're by my side
Now everything's fine
I can't believe

You found me
When no one else was lookin'
How did you know just where I would be?
Yeah, you broke through
All of my confusion
The ups and the downs
And you still didn't leave
I guess that you saw what nobody could see
You found me
You found me

And I was hiding
'Til you came along
And showed me where I belong
You found me

Edward has always been there just when I needed him. Every time when all I wanted was to just hide myself away, he'd show up and change my mind again. If I was in trouble, he'd found me … he takes care of me and he loves me. Why would I want to throw all of that away when he makes me feel like I belong right here? He's everything I've been looking for and so much more. The only problem here is me and he doesn't think that matters. So why should I, right … but it does matter, to me anyway. Edward Has always done the right thing by me so now its time to return the favor. He needs to see why I am right and why he should leave.

This will be the hardest thing I have ever done in my whole life but I know it has to be done. I slowly started shaking my head, I knew even before we started dating that this couldn't last. He seems so close to letting me have everything with him but I have to let him go. … I have to take control for both our sakes. Edward will, one day and without meaning to, end up breaking my heart. I'll just save him the trouble and take care of that myself. Maybe it will hurt less if I'm the cause and know when its coming. Edward has to be free from me and move on with his life. Move on to a better life.

Breaking Your Own Heart
Shaking your head like it's all wrong
Before you're here you're already gone
And even with the light all around you
You're all alone in the dark
You're breaking your own heart
Taking it too far down the lonely road
You say it's just one love
But when it's close enough you just let it go
The very thing you've been the most afraid of
You've been doing it from the start, breaking your own heart
Too many tears, too many falls
It's easy to hear behind these walls
But you don't have to walk in the shadows
Life is so hard
You're breaking your own heart
Taking it too far down the lonely road
You say it's just one love
But when it's close enough you just let it go
The very thing you've been the most afraid of
You've been doing it from the start, breaking your own heart

You're breaking your own heart.
It's not too late, I'm still right here
If only you let go of your fears.
You're breaking your heart
Taking your own heart down the lonely road
You say it's just one love
But when it's close enough you just let it go
The very thing you've been the most afraid of
You've been doing it from the start, breaking your own heart
You're breaking your own heart

(The one you're going to leave vs. the one you're going to spend your life with?)

Which one am I to you?