Tales From a Console
Merry Christmas! this is my present to all of my readers
The scene opened to Meg cooking in the kitchen, and wearing a football jersey. Bren walked in, still half asleep.
"Mornin," he mumbled, opening the fridge he pulled out the milk and began drinking straight from the carton.
"You shouldn't do that," Meg said. "Other people have to use that milk too."
Bren grumbled as he put the milk back, he turned to Meg and opened his eyes, only to quickly cover them immediately.
"Put some pants on for zombie Jesus sake!" Bren said. "I don't need to see your snatch!"
"But I'm wearing underwear," she said, lifting the jersey up to show off a blue thong. "See?"
Bren lowered his hands, before immediately grabbing the trashcan and throwing up. After 5 minutes he finally stopped.
"That….. Was more disturbing," Bren said. "Then the bear hunting contest I had with Russ."
The scene opened to Bren kneeling beside a huge Grizzly bear as Russell stood nearby.
"40 minutes and 26 seconds," Bren said. "Beat that."
Russell reached into his pocket and pulled out a match, after striking it he tossed it onto a pile of leaves. Almost immediately they caught fire, and was quickly put out by a large bear wearing jeans, boots and a ranger's hat.
"Only you can prevent-" he was cut off by Russell raising his gun and firing.
"30 seconds," Russell said. "I win."
"Good morning Bren," Russell said, as he walked in and slapped Meg's ass. "And good morning to you Meg."
"Good morning honey," she replied, turning around and pulling Russell into a soft kiss. Bren looked away, and gagged.
"Alright enough with the mushy stuff," Bren said. "Lets go play some Skyrim."
"Right behind ya," Russell said, as he turned and looked at Bren he stopped in his tracks. "Dude…. When did you get fat?"
Bren stopped and looked at his friend like he was stupid.
"I'm not fat what are you talking about- oh my god!" Bren shouted, looking down at his rounded belly poking out from under his tshirt. "What the hell happened to me?"
"You look pregnant," Meg said, walking over and putting her ear against his belly. "I can hear a tiny heartbeat."
At this Russell started to laugh.
"What's so funny?" Bren asked.
"Your preggers!" Russell exclaimed, as he broke out in a fit of laughter.
"Do you have any idea how this happened?" Meg asked.
"Well, I did go over to that dragon's house for drinks the other night," Bren said.
The scene opened to Bren sitting on a couch next to a large black and red dragon.
"Hey thanks again for inviting me over Gary," Bren said. "This was really nice."
"Don't mention it buddy, glad you could be here. Let me get you some more wine," Gary said, before taking Bren's glass and going into the kitchen. Looking around briefly, Gary dropped a blue pill into Bren's glass before filling it up, and heading back. "Here you go Bren. Hey, I bet you can drink that in one go."
"I'll show you," Bren said, before tipping the glass straight up, and emptying the wine glass in one swallow. "See, told you I could do it."
Almost immediately, Bren passed out and fell onto the floor.
"Dear diary, Jackpot!" Gary said, grabbing Bren by the legs he began to hum porn music as he dragged the drugged man towards the bedroom.
Russell and Meg sat on the couch making out, as he slid his hand up under her shirt Russell was startled by a scream from the bathroom. Jumping up, the two ran to find a large blue egg with red spots sticking up out of the toilet. Bren sat on the edge of the tub, his pants still around his ankles.
"I feel like I just took a huge dump and was anally raped at the same time, "he said. "Can you pass the toilet paper, my ass is still bleeding really bad."
As Meg handed Bren a roll of teepee, Russell looked down at the egg, and watched as it started to move.
Soon cracks started to appear, and before long the egg burst open to reveal a hideous, man/dragon thing. The abomination started to shriek and writhe as it fell out onto the floor. The three humans screamed and quickly started stomping and kicking the freak baby, before long it finally shut up and stopped moving.
"That was more shocking than when Pikachu finally snapped," Russell said.
The scene opened to Ash and Pikachu facing off against another trainer and his Venasaur.
"Pikachu use Quick attack!" Ash ordered, before Pikachu shot forward towards the grass Pokemon.
"Venasaur use Solarbeam!" the other trainer ordered. The grass Pokemon charged up and fired, slamming into Pikachu, sending the mouse Pokemon skidding back.
"Oh god my knee!" Pikachu shouted, clutching his knee. "This hurts so bad!"
"Are you ok Pikachu?" Ash asked.
"Do I look ok to you? You moron!" Pikachu exclaimed. "Why won't you evolve me?"
"I love you Pikachu,"
"Then why won't you feed me Tauros meat or something?" Pikachu asked. "I need nourishment all you feed me are those fucking poffins!"
"We don't kill Pokemon-"
"We do it for you dumbass!" Pikachu roared. "You wanna know why you never win any league you enter? Because you use the weak pussy Pokemon you catch before you enter!"
"Well that's because I want my team to do their best and-"
"Their best? They fucking suck! Here's an idea for you, use Pokemon you've trained already! How about you bring Charizard and let him beat the shit out of everyone instead of using me all the time with a bunch of retarded low level Pokemon!"
"Well that wouldn't be fair to the other trainers Pikachu -"
"Fair! They use their Pokemon they've already trained, and you're the retard with the pathetic team that gets knocked out every time, every goddamn time!" Pikachu shouted. "And another thing! Why do you always travel with little girls? Why not hook up with a chick over 18 with a huge rack that I can snuggle between and get my rocks off in?"
"You know what? Forget it! I've had enough of this shit!" Pikachu said, before turning to the other trainer. "Hey buddy you traveling with anybody?"
"Totally, I'm traveling with this pair of Swedish twins-"
"Say no more!" Pikachu said, before turning back to Ash, and leveling him with a thunderbolt. "I hope you get nut cancer and anally raped by a Aggron! Later fucktard!"
Bren went to pick up the egg in the toilet, and quickly dropped it on the floor, smashing it, and revealing a little blue and black dragon. Picking the tiny thing up he petted it as it licked his cheek.
"I think I'll call you Spike," Bren said.
END CHAPTER 3