The very secret diary of Haldir- Based on Cassandra Claire's Very Secret Diaries. If you haven't read them you should! They're all really really good! And you'll get more of the jokes in this. You can read them at

Disclaimer- I don't own LotR ( or Cassandra Claire's VSD's, or the song 'All rise'. I don't own anything…

AN- For those who don't know, Rumil and Orophin are Haldir's brothers.

~*~The very secret diary of Haldir~*~

**Day 10,304**

Galadriel called an emergency meeting of the Lorien Guards today. Apparently Sauron has come out of hiding again. Stated that I wasn't surprised, as I always knew the Dark Lord was gay. Received death glare from Celeborn for that. Come on, he was thinking the same thing.

Rumil, Orophin and I have been sent out on watch. Do not mind as it gives me an excuse to play jokes on the other guards.

Most Amusing Thing of Day:

Starting a rumor that Celeborn used to be in a boy band with Elrond, Glorfindel, and Thranduil. And that their hit single was All Rise.

**Day 10,327**

I am extremely insulted that I did not get invited to the Council of Elrond. When I confronted Galadriel about it she said that Elrond was still angry at me for winning last century's cross-dressing contest. Was about to ask her how she knew that was me but decided against it as I don't want a demonstration of her power. Radioactive Elf Queen is slightly freaky.

Too bad about the council though. Was rather looking forward to seeing Legolas again. I will just have to wait till the Fellowship is in Lorien.

Later~ Orophin says Rumil has a crush on Arwen. Laughed hysterically when I found out it was true. Much prefer Arwen's ex myself. Future King's manly stubble is very intriguing. Managed to convince Galadriel to let me use her mirror to spy on the FS. It is amazing how so many good-looking men can fit into a group determined to destroy a tacky gold ring. Legolas is prettiest member of FS. Have decided to flirt when he gets to Lorien.

Most Amusing Thing of Day:

Telling Galadriel of Rumil's 'obsession' with her granddaughter. Got to see Radioactive Elf Queen.

**Day 10, 345**

Got to scare the pants off the FS today. They have finally arrived in Lorien. However, the result of scaring their pants off was less than effective, as I didn't literally scare their pants off. Tried using my sexy, high authority Guardian-of-Lorien voice to seduce Legolas/the humans but FS members way into each other to notice. Made them walk blindfolded into Lorien as subtle punishment. Was v. amusing leading them into trees and yelling at my brothers for not being more careful with them.

Most Amusing Thing of Day:

When the FS got headaches (from the trees) and giving them caffeine pills instead of painkillers. Ha ha they'll be up all night.

**Day 10,347**

Someone stated a rumor that the FS was actually a traveling brothel. Swear it wasn't me. Oh what am I lying for it's my diary. Have discovered that Lorien elves have a strange attraction to Hobbits, especially the one named Pippin. Thanks to my clever thinking I directed them to Merry's room instead of Pippin's, as I wanted to see his reaction. Was v. amusing.

Most Amusing Thing of Day:

Watching Legolas's nude version of 'The Silmarillon'-the musical. He hasn't done that since Elrond's Middle Earth talent quest. (Ah…now that was fun)

**Day 10,351**

Have decided the FS members are gay. Noticed attraction between Legolas- Aragorn, Sam- Frodo, Merry- Pippin, Pippin- Boromir, and Boromir- Sam, Frodo, Merry, Pippin, and Aragorn. Oh and Aragorn is after Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

Am feeling left out as the Hobbits got to blow the Horn of Gondor and I didn't. Cheered myself up by taking a bath in Galadriel's mirror and laughing as she got angry at Legolas for clogging the drain with hair. Didn't bother to tell her that it was me using the bath and not Legolas.

Am scared that Galadriel is turning into a pervy hobbit-fancier as I caught her flirting with the ring-bearer. That Hobbit is way too innocent for his own good. He had no idea what the Freaky Elf Queen wanted so he offered her the ring.

Most Amusing Thing of Day:

Seeing Aragorn take a bath. It's not everyday you see or even hear about that happening.

**Day 10,354**

Am bored of the FS and have gone back to teasing my brothers. Put Orophin's toothbrush in Rumil's bag and laughed as Orophin chased Rumil around all day. Started rumor that Orophin dyes his hair to keep it perfect. For extra fun I said that Legolas does too. Subtly told Legolas that Rumil boasted about being the prettiest elf in Middle Earth. Wrote 'Orophin Luv's Galadriel' in a convenient place for Celeborn to see. Ha ha. Outcome of that one will be v. interesting as it is a well-known fact (thanks to me) that Celeborn has a crush on Orophin.

Most Amusing Thing of Day:

Watching Legolas and Rumil decide to settle their 'Prettiest Elf' debate at Elrond's next beauty contest. Neither will win however as I will be there too.

**Day 10,359**

FS left today. Decided I miss them v. much. Felt better after I received an invitation for Elrond's next sleepover. Was rather distressed to see that the theme was 'Purple' though.

I have discovered the Internet. Am dating someone who calls herself 'fiery soul'. All she does is complain about how some guy broke her heart on a date from the Second Age. At least I think it's a she. I think I better block her/him/it. Just got asked if I like to play with fire.

Have gone back to starting rumors.

Most Amusing Thing of Day:

Surprisingly nothing. I think I am losing my talent for starting rumors. Damn it.

**Day 10,361**

Have just heard that Uruk Hai have killed Boromir, Merry and Pippin have been captured by orcs, and that Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas are running after them without any hope of catching up with them. Also that the ring- bearer and his faithful manservant have headed into Mordor to destroy the tacky gold ring and are most likely to perish. All in all not very uplifting news. Decided to take another bath in Galadriel's mirror.

I have gotten my rumor-starting talent back. Told everyone that Galadriel used to be a Playboy model. Was extremely shocked when she demanded to know how I knew that.

Most Amusing Thing of Day:

Watching Celeborn running after Orophin shouting, "But I thought you loved meeee!!!!!!"

Side note- I miss Gandalf. No one was as good at the pointy hat trick as he was.