Author's Note: Yep, this is a Christmas spin-off of "The DysFUNctional Pirates", which means 25 chapters of Christmas fun and crack. This may put "The DysFUNctional Pirates" on hiatus until Christmas is over, but, at least you have this spin-off.
Disclaimer: Eichiiro Oda owns One Piece. Also, some of these one-shots may be AU.
It was Christmas Eve – no, scratch that. It was Black Friday -, and our two favorite Shichibukai, Sir Crocodile and Dracule Mihawk, were doing Christmas shopping at Target for their loved ones, friends, enemies, frenemies, mutual friends, employees, bosses, and anybody else they could think of.
"Crocodile, are you seriously buying Shake Weights for EVERYONE on your list?" Mihawk indignantly asked Crocodile, who was putting another Shake Weight in their shopping cart.
"Hey, last year, I got away with buying everyone Hooters gift cards, bootlegged Inception DVDs from Hong Kong, and World of Warcraft gamer tags," Crocodile said with a shrug as he took a bag of Doritos off a counter, opened up the bag, and ate some Doritos. "Hmm… Tastes like salted mayonnaise."
"Crocodile, you're not supposed to do that," Mihawk said. Crocodile pointed a sawed-off shotgun at him.
"Do I have to freaking cut a bitch?" Crocodile asked Mihawk.
"Hey, no swearing! This is a Christmas story!" Chimney cried as she began punching Crocodile. Crocodile picked up the little girl and put her in Kidd's cart.
"…The fuck am I supposed to do with this kid?" Kidd asked. A few minutes later, Mihawk and Crocodile were leaving Target.
"Where to next?" Crocodile asked Mihawk.
"Let's go to Macy's and buy everyone the same sweaters," Mihawk said as they exited Target to… A Winter Wonderland of Toys and Candy?
"Crocodile, explain this," Mihawk said bluntly.
"Uhh… You're high on LSD?" Crocodile asked. A cameraman came on-screen and bitch-slapped Crocodile.
"Well, according to the script, you're in Toyland," Doflamingo said as he walked up to them. Instead of wearing an elf or Santa costume like you'd expect, Doflamingo wore a sexy waiter costume.
"Doflamingo, what the hell are you doing here?" Crocodile asked Doflamingo.
"Aren't you cold?" Mihawk asked Doflamingo.
"No, whiskey and Butterbeer are keeping me warm," Doflamingo said before he drank straight from a bottle of whiskey. "Damn, that's good stuff."
"So, where in the name of Hatsune Miku are we? Are we still in the Grand Line, or are we in a pot-induced hallucination?" Mihawk asked Doflamingo.
"We're in Toyland! And, no, you're not on drugs," Doflamingo explained. The two VERY CONFUSED Shichibukai grew silent.
"I'm on a drug called Charlie Sheen
It's not available; If you try it once, you will die
Your face will melt off
And your children will weep over your exploded body, over your exploded body," Crocodile sang.
"You love to party?" Doflamingo sang.
"What's not to love?
The run I was on made Jagger and Richards look like
Droopy-eyed, armless children
That's how I party
That's how I party
I was bangin' 7 gram rocks, that's how I roll - winning
I have one gear: GO - epic winning," Crocodile sang.
"Are you bipolar?" Doflamingo sang.
Win here, win there, win, win everywhere
We're on a quest…" Crocodile sang.
"We're gonna win everywhere!" The Capricorn Pirates, the Straw Hats, and the Supernovas sang.
"Right every single –" Crocodile and the Straw Hats, Supernovas, Capricorns sang before Doflamingo cut him off.
"That's not winning," Doflamingo said. Then, everyone did the Bad Apple dance.
"What the heck is going on here?" Mihawk cried.
"I'm trying to achieve Inception on you two," Doflamingo explained. Everyone sweatdropped.
"It's not working," Bonney stated.
"Well, it's because we're all supposed to go to the Queen of Toyland and tell her what we most want for Christmas, despite the fact that Black Friday just started," Doflamingo explained.
"In that case, I want an official Red Ryder, carbine action, 200-shot range, model, air rifle," Law said. Surprisingly, nobody told him "You'll shoot your eye out".
"I like trains," Hawkins said in all seriousness.
"You're waiting for a train. A train that will take you far away. You know where you hope this train will take you, but, you can't know for sure. But, it doesn't matter, because we'll be together," Bonney said. Some of the Capricorns applauded.
"I did not get that, but… iVamos, mis amigos!" Doflamingo said as the group began walking down the lane at a moderate pace.
"I'm gonna marry the night! I won't give up on my life! I'm a warrior queen! Live –" Bonney sang before a house popped up in front of them.
"This must be the house of the Queen of Toyland," Doflamingo said with a whistle.
"Does singing Lady Gaga songs make her house randomly appear?" Bonney asked Doflamingo.
"Uhh… Only if it's "Judas", "Love Game", "Bad Romance", or "Marry the Night"," Doflamingo explained as he knocked on the door.
"I hope this Queen you speak of knows the way back! If not, shit's gonna go down," Mihawk said as he pulled out a golf club. That last line Mihawk spoke got a Dubstep remix.
"Well, let's go inside before it starts raining. Plus, I need to go home and put the plants and the cat in," Doflamingo said as he knocked on the door. Hancock answered it.
"The fuck is Hancock doing here?" Crocodile asked Mihawk.
"Wither goest thou, young rogues?" Hancock asked them.
"I like trains," Doflamingo said with a trolling expression on his face. Everyone got pissed at Doflamingo, but, then, Kyuubey appeared.
"Would anybody like to make a contract with me?" Kyuubey asked the pirates and Shichibukai.
"Leave me alone!" Crocodile yelled to the ferret-thingy. Crocodile then transformed into a magical girl, complete with Sailor Suit. Everyone else threw up.
"Oh, Dear Lord!" Doflamingo cried before running away. Because Doflamingo ran away, Crocodile's Soul Gem turned into a Grief Seed and he became the witch Miley Cyrus.
"What the hell?" The Capricorns cried.
"Yeahhhhhh, it was a party in the U.S.A.!" Madoka Magica Witch!Crocodile sang.
"Time to end this with a kick, Inception-style!" Law said, kicking Crocodile in the balls. Crocodile then woke up in a line outside of Target.
"Mihawk! We need to buy Shake Weights for everyone!" Crocodile cried out. Mihawk facepalmed and walked away.
"Hey! Why didn't we get any lines?" The Capricorns and Straw Hats cried.
Ending Note: The Straw Hats and Capricorns not getting any lines was intentional. They're not going to speak until about chapter three.
Review if you want to see the CP9 celebrate Christmas as pioneers, the Capricorns, Straw Hats, and Supernovas taking on "A Very, Merry, Muppet Christmas Movie", and review if you want to see mind-scarring pairings (such as Eneru x Dr. Kureha and Spandam x Crocodile x Lola) under a mistletoe.