Author's Note: I hate to say this, but this is the last chapter of The DysFUNctional Christmas I will post before it goes on its long hiatus. This is only because of one reason - I'm out of ideas for this batch of Christmas crack. But, what I would like to say is this - We had a successful holiday season, and I got ten or eleven chapters out for the holidays. With ideas ranging from an analyzation of the song 12 Days of Christmas to a collaboration with luffykotheeevee to even a parody of a Doctor Who episode, we've had a wacky Christmas. But, we have to end it so The DysFUNctional Pirates can come off of hiatus. Happy holidays, everyone.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.


It was a normal, December afternoon at Gravity Falls Boarding School at Not-Gravity Falls, California, as Edmund Abingdon and his three siblings, Bridey, Rhett, and Amelia, read a letter from their parents in New York City.

"What the hell?! A Christmas party with the rest of the Capricorns?!" Edmund cried.

"Mother and father lied! They told us we were going to London, Paris, Venice, Shanghai, Hong Kong, and Los Angeles for the break!" Rhett cried.

"Do we have to spend time with the Capricorns?!" Bridey cried. Edmund snapped his fingers.

"I think I have an idea…" Edmund said.


"You got us the Volkswagon van from Little Miss Sunshine?! Are you insane?!"

The next day, the rest of the Abingdon siblings' friends arrived at the school for mysterious reasons.

"Yeah… Remember how I said that my brother, sisters, and I were supposed to go back east to New York for the break? We are, but… We're forced to hang out with the Capricorns," Edmund explained.

"Oh, hell no!" Kazura yelled. "I will not –"

"Kazura, hear me out," Edmund said. "We plan to take our time with getting there. If we get to New York after the holidays, the Capricorns will be gone by then."

"Are you sure about that?" Yukari asked. "What if they stay until Martin Luther King Day?"

"Then we turn around and go home!" Edmund explained. "Now, please get in. We have Inception playing on the televisions on the backs of the seats."

"I would've picked Farewell, My Concubine, but whatever," Yukari said with a shrug as the Libras entered the van, with Stella-Rondo and Alto taking shotgun.

"Do we know where we're going?" Alto asked as he began driving.

"New York, New York!" Amelia answered.

"Let's ask the GPS device. Maybe it'll have the directions," Kazura suggested.

"This van doesn't even have GPS," Stella-Rondo pointed out. "By the way, Edmund, can I have this van when the road trip is over? This van is so legit."

"No," Edmund answered flatly.


That night, the Libras were still on the road, when they pulled into Vegas.

"Hey! We're in Vegas! Pull off here, we're going gambling!" Grandma Magda yelled.

"We aren't pulling over. We can't afford to lose money," Alto explained.

"Uhh… We HAVE TO stop for the night. Half of us fell asleep," Kazura explained. And, with that, the Capricorns stayed in a hotel for the night. The next morning…

"Alto, don't you worry your pretty, blue head. I'll drive," Daruma offered. "Now, who wants to ride shotgun with me?"

As if on cue, the rest of the Libras took seats that weren't shotgun.

"Well, Goddamn it. I was hoping SOMEONE would ride with me…" Daruma commented. In the end, everyone decided that Opal and Erika would be the next two to drive/ride shotgun.

"Let's listen to the radio!" Erika suggested.

"Do we even get a radio signal out here in the desert?" Alton asked everyone.

"Yep! I had some guy install Sirius XM in the van last night! He was a little sketchy, but he was an okay guy!" Lien explained.

"I'll possibly take your word for it in the future," Rhett said with a nod. Erika then turned on the radio and began to play with the radio stations.

"She didn't have to cut me up –"

"Oppa Gangnam Style!"

"Deep in the meadow, under a –"

"Drop the charges!"

"So, armageddon, here we come. Who are the chosen –"

"I'm a member of the Midnight Crew. I'm a night owl –"

"Hey, I just met you. And, this is crazy. But, here's my –"

"Sekai de ichiban OHIME-SAMA –"

"Double Rainbow, all the way, across the –"

"Marukaite Chikyuu, Marukaite Chikyuu, Marukaite Chikyuu –"

"Come aboard and bring along all your hopes –"

Erika turned off the radio.

"All of these songs suck!" Erika yelled.

"I don't blame you," Wenqing said.


A few days later and many backtracks later, the Libras ended up in Chicago.

"How the hell did we get from California to Chicago THIS QUICKLY?!" Yukari cried. "I thought we were supposed to stall for time!"

"We are. That's why we're staying here for week. Then it's off to Branson, Missouri, which is basically Las Vegas run by Ned Flanders," Rhett explained. Edmund glared at his brother.

"You're off the team," Edmund told his brother.


Two weeks later, it was Christmas Day, and the Libras weren't in New York yet. Instead, they were in Charleston, South Carolina.

"My plan is working! We won't get to see the Capricorns!" Edmund said as they opened presents.

"I wonder what we have against the Capricorns," Lin said as she opened one of her presents, which was a pair of Madden Girl shoes. "No way! Madden Girls?!"

"Nikes!" Fernando yelled as he held up a pair of Nike shoes. Then, a knock was heard at the door of their hotel room.

"I'll get it," Yukari said as she got up and went to the door. She answered it to Kaku. "Oh, you must be room serivce. Did you find Fernando's contacts yet?"

"I'm not room service, missy. I've come to take you to New York City," Kaku explained.

"Who are you?" Yukari asked.

"I'm a friend of Kartik Abingdon. We go way back," Kaku explained. Yukari turned back to the Libras.

"Edmund, Rhett, Amelia, Bridey… There's a guy with a square nose who wants to take you to New York. He says he knows your father," Yukari said nervously. Edmund facepalmed.

"Oh, bloody hell no," Edmund commented.


After much convincing from Kaku, the Libras unwillingly boarded an airplane to New York. They now found themselves on the doorstep of Kartik's apartment.

"Thank you for coming. I'm glad you could come all the way from California to celebrate Christmas with us," Kartik told the Libras.

"No problem," Kazura said. "Okay, fuck the giraffe man and his ulterior motives."

"May we come in?" Bridey asked.

"Go ahead," Kartik said as the Libras entered an apartment that was empty, save for Matsu.

"Looks like the apartment's empty…" Kazura commented.

"Are you sure it's Christmas?" Yukari asked. Then, the other Capricorns jumped out from behind furniture and under tables.

"Surprise! Merry Christmas, Libras!"

Kazura fainted.


Ending Note: The DysFUNctional Pirates will return on New Year's with a three-part story (yes, you heard that - A three chapter-long story) and a parody of a popular anime. The final chapters of Da Hungah Games: Director's Cut will be posted in a few days. And, lastly, new chapters of One Piece: Parallel Works and One Piece: Parallel Generations will be posted sometime this week.

Review if you want to see "The DysFUNctional Pirates" return!