So here we are.
Mostly I just want to say thank you so, so much to everyone who has stuck with this story since the beginning, everyone who's even taken a glance at it, everyone who has reviewed or reccomended this fic. Thank you. I honestly can't believe the reception this has gotten, and I honestly have cried after posting every chapter because of the sweet reviews that you've left, telling me how much this story affected you. Honestly, if it touched even one person, then I feel like I've achieved something here. All of your reviews and your wonderful messages on Tumblr are what kept me writing this. I've never finished a multi-chapter fic before, and I honestly never thought this one would get so huge.
I do plan on writing more in this 'verse, for those who have asked - I'm wanting to do a series of drabbles, but who knows how it will work out. Don't know when it'll happen, but I still have ideas. In fact, if any of you feel like dropping by my ask box on tumblr, you can feel free to leave me prompts, if there's anything in particular you would like to see. Can't promise I'll write it, but maybe it'll spark some inspiration!
So, again: Thank you so, so much for everything. I love you all so much, and I'm so glad to have shared this with you. It's been amazing. (No I'm not crying what are you talking about…)
Warnings: Sex of the homo kind. And Botttom!Blaine, since the last time I wrote it I got hate for it. Which is extremely lame.
Halfway through the drive home, Blaine starts talking. Once he starts, he can't seem to stop.
"I just hate being there so much," he whispers. Kurt's grip on his hand tightens. He hasn't let go the entire drive, and the contact seems to be soothing for Blaine. "I hate being away from Amelia. And you."
"Then don't stay there, Blaine." Kurt glances over at him, breath catching at the way the shadows play across his face, before he quickly looks back to the road, taking the turn that leads to his apartment. "Didn't I tell you that you could come back anytime you wanted? You could show up in the middle of the night with no explanation and I would still take you in." He lets go of Blaine's hand for a moment to park the car before he reaches out to take it again.
"But you deserve better than that." He slumps back in the seat and closes his eyes, then shakes his head and climbs out of the car. Kurt follows suit. Blaine hadn't bothered to grab a coat, and Kurt can see him shivering in the cold, early-spring air.
"Come on, let's get you inside." Kurt reaches for his hand again automatically, and Blaine takes it without even looking as they make their way up the stairs.
The instant they step inside Blaine starts to unwind. Kurt can see it, once he slips on the light, every tensed muscle relaxing as he looks around. "Can I get you anything? Coffee, tea…?"
"Coffee would be nice." He takes a seat at one of the barstools, and Kurt can feel his eyes on him, even when his back is turned. "Sorry I ruined dinner."
"Don't worry about that." They fall back into silence. Kurt watches the coffee brew, and he can feel Blaine's eyes on him the whole time. He fixes Blaine's coffee just the way he likes it, black with too much sugar and a sprinkle of cinnamon, and passes it over to Blaine before taking a seat himself. Blaine mumbles his thanks, holding the mug up to his nose and breathing in deep.
"That place really was bad for you, wasn't it?" Kurt says softly, stirring a bit of cream into his own coffee.
"Yeah." Blaine looks away, acting very interested in the countertop.
"Was it bad memories, or…?"
Blaine shrugs. "I guess. And I just felt so… isolated. And Naomi said it would be good, to learn to be independent again, and maybe it was, but -"
"Anything that makes you feel that bad can't be good for you."
"Isn't that what I deserve?"
Kurt chokes on his coffee and sets the cup down. He stares at Blaine, the words slowly sinking in. "Is… is that what this was about? Some way for you to keep punishing yourself?" Blaine hunches his shoulders, staring down into his coffee cup. "Fuck, Blaine!"
"After everything I did to you -"
"Stop! This is absurd." Kurt reaches across the table, grabbing the hand that isn't holding onto the cup.
Blaine looks away. "I - I just need you to know how sorry I am," he whispers. "For all of it. And that I'm going to do everything I can to make this okay."
"Making yourself miserable isn't making anything okay! You don't have to do anything, Blaine, especially not this. I forgive you."
"You aren't a bad person, you just… lost yourself along the way." He blushes, knowing that he stole that line right from Naomi, and hopes that Blaine doesn't notice it. "That's not who you are, not anymore. Isn't it enough that I forgive you?"
Blaine shakes his head, eyes shining with tears. "I can't do this to you again. Everything I do makes your life miserable, I just ruin everything -"
"If that were true, I wouldn't be here with you right now, would I? I don't bother with people who aren't worth it." To his surprise, Blaine lets out a soft laugh, but he doesn't ask why. "Sweetheart, look at me."
It takes a moment, but he does, meeting Kurt's eyes. The look on his face is so familiar. Kurt has seen it a hundred times in all these years together.
I was so proud of you.
I hope so. I want you to be.
The weakest attempt at a smile, like he's trying so hard to believe it but can't - can't accept that someone could love him like this, that he could ever be worthy of it. Kurt had spent a lot of years angry at Blaine, but he's never hated him the way Blaine seems to hate himself.
"I love you," Kurt says, and Blaine swallows back his tears. It shocks Kurt, how easy it is to say, how simple it is. Of course he loves Blaine. Nothing could change that, nothing, it's what he was made for, every inch of his body was made to love every inch of Blaine, and the hard part was just realizing that it's okay to love him. "You don't believe me, and that's okay. But I do. I love you, even the not-so-nice parts, and I forgive you. So now, you just have to forgive yourself. And learn to love yourself a little. I'll help you, if you want me."
He shuts his eyes, taking a deep breath. "I don't deserve this, I don't deserve you -"
"You should be with someone who isn't such a fuckup -"
"I'm pretty fucked up myself, but it isn't about that." He reaches out with his other hand to cradle Blaine's cheek, his thumb swiping over Blaine's cheekbone even though there aren't any tears to wipe away. "It's not a competition; it's not about who got more screwed up. That doesn't matter. What matters is that we found each other again. If you still feel the same way, that is."
"I do," Blaine says, looking up at Kurt shyly, and Kurt is struck dizzy by memories of the last time Blaine said that to him, while looking at him like that, as they slipped rings onto each other's fingers. He squeezes Kurt's hand. "I… I never stopped loving you."
Kurt has his doubts about that, but this isn't the time or place to voice them. He's sure that there was a time during the worst of it that Blaine hadn't been capable of loving anyone - if he had, he wouldn't have been able to do what he did. Kurt can't say it doesn't matter - it does, always will - but that, he realizes, is what forgiveness is for.
He'll never forget it. And maybe that will make things harder. But he can accept what can't be changed, and move on.
"Me too," Kurt says with a smile. "So what's the big deal?"
It's just as much a question for himself as it is for Blaine. It's just so easy. Why didn't I do this weeks ago? He sort of hates himself for waiting so long.
The sound Blaine makes is somewhere between a laugh and a sob, and Kurt's smile widens. That, at least, is one thing he can be sure of. The things Blaine did wouldn't have hurt as much as they did if Kurt hadn't loved him still, every step of the way. "Whatever happens to us, whether we're together forever or not - you're the love of my life. It feels so good to be able to say that."
Blaine does cry, then, one tear trickling down his cheek and catching on Kurt's hand, even as he smiles. "I'm sorry I didn't kiss you back -"
"Blaine Hummel-Anderson, if you say sorry to me one more time tonight I swear to god - mmph."
Blaine's lips cover his without any warning, his hand wrapping around the back of Kurt's neck to tug him close as he leans across the counter. It's open-mouthed and messy, teeth clacking together until Kurt shifts and suddenly it's perfect. His lips are soft, and his tongue warm and wet when it flicks out to meet Kurt's, and he tastes like coffee and salty tears. The angle threatens to break Kurt's neck, though, and he has to pull back far sooner than he would like.
Blaine blinks, looking a little dazed, his eyes blown wide and his lips slick and red. Gorgeous. "Fuck," Kurt whispers. He nearly knocks his stool over in his haste to get over to Blaine, cupping both cheeks in his hands and tilting his chin up to kiss him again. Blaine hand flails at his side as he reaches up to Kurt, knocking his coffee cup to the floor. It shatters, and he pulls back with a gasp.
"Shit, sorry -"
"Leave it," Kurt breathes, grabbing Blaine's wrist and pulling him up. He can't think about a broken mug right now, not when all his thoughts are need you want you love you, Blaine, Blaine, Blaine.
Blaine follows him without question, threading his fingers through Kurt's as they walk together down the hall. Somehow it feels like miles, the walk to Kurt's room, but finally they make it, shutting the door behind them.
He expects to feel nervous - and there is that - or unsure, but he isn't. It's just them, and they've been in this position a hundred times before. So it's second nature to tilt Blaine's chin up and capture his lips in another kiss, soft and gentle, none of the urgency of the first - they have all night. Maybe even forever.
Blaine's fingers tangle in the hair at the back of Kurt's neck, and he can't even be bothered to snap at Blaine for messing it up when it feels so good to be touched that way. He teases his tongue at the seam of Blaine's lips, and they part effortlessly, both of them gasping for breath before diving right back into the kiss. Warm and wet and slow, savoring every sensation, every touch.
They don't move apart even when they have to pull back for air, touching their foreheads together and letting their breath mingle between them. "Kurt," Blaine sighs.
"I'm sorry I took so long. So stupid. No wonder you gave up on me."
"Shh. If I don't get to apologize, neither do you." At some point, his other hand had come to rest on Kurt's chest, and now he fiddles with one of the zippers on Kurt's sweater "C-can I?"
"Yes," Kurt whispers. It takes a little manuvering to get him out of it, and Kurt disolves into giggles more than once at how difficult it is to get the damn thing off, but they finally manage it. He stops Blaine before he can go to unzip his jeans. "You, too."
He slips his fingers underneath the hem of Blaine's sweater, pulling it up and over his head, and making quick work of the button-up underneath. "So gorgeous," he breathes, staring unabashedly at Blaine' bare chest. He reaches out to touch, but suddenly Blaine recoils, trying and failing to cover up his arms. "Hey, hey…"
"They're horrible," Blaine mumbles, trying his best, but the scars up and down his arms are impossible to hide. Kurt's just glad that there are no fresh scars. "You shouldn't look at them."
Kurt grabs his wrist, pulling his arms away from his chest. Without looking away from Blaine's eyes, he presses light kisses to his wrists, up his arm. The skin feels strange underneath his lips, but he doesn't stop. "You're beautiful. And they're part of you." He whispers against the thin skin of Blaine's wrists. Blaine shudders. "So they're beautiful too."
Blaine doesn't stop him from touching anywhere after that.
His hands smooth over muscle and skin and bone, and his lips glide over nipples and collarbones and pulse points, everywhere he can reach, and Blaine trembles almost violently at every touch. He's still doesn't stop, never wants to - he'll spend forever showing Blaine how beautiful he is, how loved.
"Kurt," Blaine whispers into Kurt's neck, his lips against Kurt's skin like a caress. It seems to be the only word he can say. "Kurt."
"What do you need?" Kurt presses kisses up the column of his neck, that spot behind his ear, and Blaine's breath goes harsh. "Anything. Let me take care of you." Kisses his lips, revels in the fact that he can and Blaine drinks it in, gripping Kurt tight and holding him close. There's too much teeth, not enough tongue, and it might be one of the best kisses Kurt has ever had. "Just tell me."
In the beginning of their relationship, they had both been nervous about telling the other what they wanted, blushing and stammering through words they didn't quite understand yet. There had been a lot of missteps along the way, and he remembers every one fondly now. But communication was key, and they had worked through it no matter how awkward. Now there is no hesitation in Blaine's voice when he says, "Fuck me?"
"Yes, yes," Kurt breathes out against Blaine's lips before capturing them again. Always yes.
Blaine hasn't let him do this, not for a while - not the whole time they were sleeping together without really being together. Thought they didn't talk about it, it struck Kurt as odd, because there have been times in their lives when Blaine always wanted to bottom. He thinks it's something to do with vulnerability. Letting Kurt see him exposed and open, letting Kurt have all the control.
They don't stop kissing as they stumble back toward the bed, Blaine's knees hitting the edge and buckling. He hits the mattress with a soft thump and pulls Kurt down with him, Kurt swinging a leg over to straddle his waist. He gasps, finally breaking the kiss, when he feels Blaine already hard underneath him. Just the feeling sends a rush of heat straight to Kurt's cock, straining against his tight jeans. "Blaine," he groans, bending down to kiss him again. It's still such a novelty to do so.
"I want you," Blaine says between quick, firm kisses, his hands coming down to cup Kurt's ass, pulling him closer. Kurt rolls his hips down, making Blaine moan into his mouth. He tries to shove Kurt's pants down without unbuttoning them, and growls in frustration when he can't. "Kurt -"
"Yes." He sits up again, shivering at the wet sound their lips make when they separate. He gets his pants and boxer-briefs off as quickly as he can manage, tossing them across the room to lay over his desk chair, and then does the same to Blaine. The air is chilly on his suddenly bare skin, but Blaine's hands are hot when they skim down his chest, one curling around his cock.
He groans and thrusts forward into Blaine's loose fist as it strokes up and down, trying to get more friction. "God, I love you. Wanna fuck you."
"Do it, then," Blaine says, though he doesn't seem eager to let go of Kurt's cock any time soon. Kurt bats his hand away - whimpering a little at the loss - and scrambles up the bed, pulling open the drawer on his bedside table to find the lube and condoms. When he does, he turns back around and forgets how to breathe. Blaine is on his hands and knees, watching Kurt, just laid out and waiting for him. He thought he couldn't get any harder, but apparently, he was wrong. It almost hurts not being buried inside of Blaine already, being so close that all he can breathe is Blaine. He squeezes around the base of his cock to relieve the pressure, but it doesn't do much to help.
"You're amazing," he whispers. He would say perfect, once he would have, but it's not true. Blaine isn't perfect, neither of them are, but he is incredible. Perfectly imperfect. He skims one dry finger over Blaine's hole. Blaine hums, spreading his legs that little bit further. "I love you, and you're mine, and I'm never letting you go again, okay? Never."
"Never," Blaine agrees. Kurt uncaps the lube - and it will never stop being awkward, doing this one handed - and dribbles some over his fingers. He lets a little drip over the crack of Blaine's ass, sliding down, and he sees a shiver going down Blaine's spine. "Kurt…"
He slips one finger in up to the knuckle, making Blaine gasp, but not in pain. He keeps going, as far as he can, and once Blaine has a moment to adjust, he pulls back out and pushes in again, and again, loving the tight drag around his finger. He waits until Blaine is squirming, trying to fuck himself on Kurt's finger, before he slips in a second. He kisses the base of Blaine's spine as he stretches and searches, and when Blaine cries out at the brush of Kurt's fingertips against a certain spot, he grins.
"'m ready," Blaine moans, twisting around to look at Kurt. "Need you."
"I don't want to hurt you," Kurt says, starting to slip in a third finger.
"I - I want you to." Kurt freezes, eyes widening as he looks at Blaine, who immediately adds, "Not in a bad way, I just - it's okay, if you're a little rough. I know you don't like to hurt me, I just - I think I need it, a little."
He doesn't understand, but then, there's a lot about Blaine he doesn't understand. He kisses Blaine's spine again and murmurs, "Okay, if you're sure," and starts to pull his fingers out, stretching him out as much as he can with only two. Blaine squirms when he's finally empty, turning his head to watch Kurt again. He doesn't say anything as Kurt rolls on a condom and slicks himself up with more lube than is probably necessary. Kurt hates that they have to use them, or maybe more than that he hates that they've both been with other people. He's clean, but Blaine might not be, and it's not a conversation he wants to have right now. They'll just have to deal with the condom for now.
He squeezes Blaine's hip, rubbing it soothingly as he lines himself up. It's all he can do not to thrust right in as he pushes himself inside, Blaine's jumbled whispers of fuck Kurt oh my god making him ache. But he takes it slow, still worried about hurting Blaine, until he's buried completely inside. He leans over Blaine to press gentle kisses to the back of his neck, wrapping his arms around Blaine's broad chest as he drapes himself across Blaine, chest to back. It's so close and so hot that Kurt could cry.
"Okay?" He whispers in Blaine's ear. Blaine nods, eyes fluttering closed. Kurt pulls out until only the head of his cock stays inside of Blaine and then snaps his hips forward, jolting Blaine up on the bed and making him cry out.
"Fuck!" he groans. Kurt does it again, and again and again, the tight heat of Blaine too much to resist, picking up the speed of his thrusts as he kisses Blaine's neck and back and shoulders, licking and biting lightly as he goes. Blaine's arms tremble and then collapse, and he presses his face into the pillow and arches his back, making Kurt sink even deeper inside. "Harder."
Every time Kurt thinks it has to be too much, that he's fucking Blaine too hard and slows down to give him a break, Blaine shakes his head and says it again: "Harder, Kurt, please," until Kurt is slamming into him, skin slapping against skin almost drowning out the sound of Blaine's moans. Sounds pour from Kurt's lips, mostly wordless moans but sometimes words, and he's only half-aware that he's saying them at all. "Fuck, Blaine, you're so good," he gasps into Blaine's ear. Blaine whimpers. "So tight around me. I love you so much, beautiful - ohh fuck…"
It seems like a miracle that Blaine hasn't come yet with the way he pushes himself back to meet Kurt at every thrust. Kurt reaches around and grasps Blaine's cock, thick and heavy between his legs. He comes just like that, with Kurt's hand wrapped tight around him, muffling his cries into to pillow.
"Don't stop," Blaine begs when he can finally make words again. Kurt isn't surprised; the oversensitivity is one of Blaine's favorite parts of this and Kurt loves the way it makes him sound.
"Can you come again?" Kurt asks, hips rocking shallowly back and forth. He's close, has been close for what feels like forever, but he thinks he could hold off to see Blaine come again. He nibbles lightly at Blaine's earlobe as he whispers, "Want me to keep fucking you till you come again?"
"Kurt…" It's as good as a yes. They're not as young as they used to be, but that's okay, it just means they have better stamina.
"Turn over for me." One last kiss to the back of his neck, where an impressive hickey is starting to form. He sits back, pulling out completely, and takes a moment to admire the view: Blaine's ass stretched out for him, a little red and probably sore, as he shifts to lie on his back. He's even prettier like this, now that Kurt can see his face, the look on it almost apprehensive until Kurt kisses it away. He isn't hard anymore, but he will be.
It's easier to push himself inside this time, after he settles in between Blaine's legs, pulling them up to wrap around his waist. He goes slow anyway, savoring it. "Harder -" Blaine starts to say, but Kurt interrupts him with another kiss.
"Slow down," he murmurs. His way, this time. "We have all the time in the world."
Blaine whines as Kurt starts to move, thrusting in and out slowly. He shuts his eyes and turns away, like he's trying to hide himself, even bringing the hand that isn't gripping the sheets beside him up to cover his eyes, but Kurt grabs it and holds in down into the mattress before he cups Blaine's cheeks with both hands, holding him still and forcing him to look at Kurt. He closes his eyes again.
"Blaine," Kurt whispers. He rolls his hips forward and back almost lazily, and Blaine's legs tighten around Kurt's waist. "Open your eyes, Blaine. Look at me?"
He shakes his head, but blinks his eyes open, looking into Kurt's. They're bright and glassy, pupils blown wide, and he never looks more beautiful than when he's like this. "Kurt," he whispers, voice wavering. "Kurt, Kurt, Kurt…
Kurt doesn't break eye contact, not once, and Blaine squirms against him, breathing heavily. There's no urgency now, just pleasure rolling over Kurt in waves. He likes to fuck Blaine hard, but he loves to fuck Blaine like this, tender slow enough to feel like they're floating, like they're dreaming. It's not easy for Blaine - why, Kurt doesn't know, Blaine never wants to talk about it - but it's still good, still perfect, he insists. He loses track of how long they go on for. Time ceases to matter, the only thing he knows is that Blaine is here with him, and that fact alone is earth-shattering.
"I love you," Kurt says, his thumb stroking over Blaine's cheek as a tear trickles down. Blaine lets out a sob, shutting his eyes tight. "Blaine?" He tries to stop, starting to panic, but Blaine shakes his head.
"Don't go," Blaine gasps out, shutting his eyes tight and grabbing ahold of Kurt, keeping him close. Another tear pools at the corner of his eye. His cock is hard again and leaking against his stomach, but neither of them touch it except when Blaine thrusts his hips up to let it drag against the soft skin of Kurt's belly. He writhes at every brush of skin against skin, a constant stream of ah, ah, ah's spilling from his mouth as his head thrashes back and forth against the pillow. "God, Kurt… don't leave, please…"
"I'm right here, baby, I'm not going anywhere." He speeds up, can't help it - it's been building up for so long now, and he can't hold back much longer, he has to come soon or he thinks he might shatter to pieces. But not before Blaine. "Can you come again, Blaine?"
"It's okay, you're okay. Come for me…" He surges forward, kissing Blaine hard on the lips, and Blaine kisses back until he freezes, mouth falling open against Kurt's, choking out a cry as he comes again without even being touched, all over their chests. His hands spasm, squeezing hard at Kurt's shoulders.
"Kurt," Blaine sobs, "Love you, fuck I love you so much -" and he can't last, not after that, not with Blaine clenching tight around his cock, and he stills deep inside of Blaine and comes hard, pressing his face into the crook of Blaine's neck.
After that, the only sound is heavy breathing, hot against each other's skin. Blaine's fingers tangle in Kurt's hair, stroking over his scalp.
He doesn't want to move, but eventually Kurt has to, pulling out of Blaine - they both hiss, way too oversensitive now, tremors of leftover pleasure fizzling their way up Kurt's spine - and disposing of the condom as quickly as he can. He should shower, at least drag himself to the bathroom and find a cloth to wipe themselves down with, but he takes one look at Blaine and the sleepy eyes watching him and all thought of leaving flies out the window, stickiness be damned. "Don't cry," he whispers, pressing a kiss to Blaine's cheek before he settles back down, lying on top of Blaine and smiling when he sighs and snuggles close. "You're okay. Don't cry."
"I feel like we should talk," Blaine whispers, voice raw and ragged, his arms wrapping around Kurt. "But I have no idea what to say."
Kurt yawns. He can already feel himself starting to drift off. "Talk tomorrow. Sleep now."
Blaine hums, and Kurt sits up just enough to plant a kiss just above Blaine's heart before he lays his head down there. One night together isn't going to change everything. They still have tomorrow to deal with, and every day after that, Kurt hopes for the rest of their lives.
But right now, he's warm and sated and happier than he's been in a long time, and Blaine is home. Blaine is there with him, and the steady thumping of his heart is like a lullaby and a promise that they'll be okay, and a reminder that Blaine is here, and alive, and his.
Whatever happens, they'll be okay.
"No, everything's fine, I'm just at Kurt's for the day… thank you, Rachel. Thank you so much. Uh-huh. I'll see you soon."
Blaine hangs up the phone, letting it fall into his lap as he leans back into the couch and closes his eyes for a moment. It's early still, too early to be awake, but he loves this time of morning He has a mug of coffee in front of him and he's wearing a stolen pair of those flannel pajama pants Kurt will never admit to owning, and the sun is trying to rise over the skyline. It's quiet, and peaceful, and it gives Blaine a moment to breathe.
He hasn't been able to breathe like this since he left, but now his lungs are full of Kurt.
Footsteps make Blaine open his eyes, turning his head to see. Kurt stands at the edge of the room, blinking sleep from his eyes. He looks tiny in that ridiculous fluffy robe that he loves so much, tiny and young and just like the boy Blaine fell in love with. His hair sticks out in all directions, stiff with all the product he hadn't washed out the night before, and the side of his face is a little red where it was pressed into his pillow. And he's the most heartbreakingly beautiful thing Blaine has even seen, every angle of his face so lovely it hurts to look at it.
"Morning," Kurt says quietly, looking a perfect mix of fear and relief that make Blaine's heart flip-flop. He'd meant to crawl back into bed before Kurt woke up, but he'd gotten distracted by coffee and calling Rachel and the sunrise. He wonders if Kurt had thought he'd left for good.
"Hey," Blaine says. "Sorry, I was just making a phone call, I didn't want to wake you up. Um, I told Rachel she could bring Amelia over here instead. At around noon, if that's okay with you."
"S'fine. Oh, she's going to be so happy you're here." Kurt smiles, absently rubbing at his eyes with the back of his hand. Blaine thinks of the look on Amelia's face and can't help but smile too. All of them back together again.
"Mhm. And I made coffee."
"Oh my god. Can I keep you?"
"Yes," Blaine says, entirely serious though Kurt was probably trying to me funny. He blushes, and Kurt's mouth falls open a little and he blushes too, but the tiny grin that appears on his face is worth the moment of embarrassment.
"Um." Kurt laughs softly, looking away. "Whuh-" He pauses to yawn, big and loud and Blaine's heart just melts. "What time izzit? He asks, words slurring together, god he's just adorable, sometimes. All the time. Blaine is fully aware that he's acting like a teenage boy. He doesn't care. It makes him feel something like happy.
"Um… about seven."
Kurt's face scrunches up; again, just… adorable. "Gross. Come back here."
He goes to follow Kurt, assuming they're going back to bed, but instead he gets pulled into a hug, the fluff of Kurt's robe tickling his bare chest. Blaine wraps his arms tight around Kurt's neck and lets himself melt into the touch as Kurt's hands rub broad, smooth circles across his back, and he tucks his face into Kurt's neck where he fits so perfectly, and just… breathes. Kurt hasn't showered yet, and though Blaine had cleaned his come off Kurt's chest with a wet cloth while he wriggled and stretched happily in his sleep, he still smells sort of musky, like sweat and sex. He smells like them. Blaine shudders and tries to squirm closer, and thinks, Home.
"I'm so glad you're here," Kurt whispers in his ear, his breath raising goosebumps on Blaine's neck. His voice is rough, from sleepiness or emotion Blaine can't tell. He sounds the way Blaine feels, wrung out, made to feel every emotion possible in too short a time. Taken apart and put back together with tragically gentle hands. It was a good thing, the best thing, but so exhausting.
Blaine shuts his eyes tight and burrows closer, as if he could live inside this man's skin in he got close enough. Kurt's robe has slipped open and he's gloriously naked underneath. He doesn't need more than this, though, not right now. This hug is everything good in the world, Kurt cradling Blaine with his entire body. It's so warm. He feels safe here, and more than anything, loved.
Because Kurt loves him.
He still isn't sure why, or if he completely believes it - but Kurt believes it, and that's what's important, really.
"Me too," he mumbles.
"I thought you had left."
"Not if you don't want me to."
Kurt hums, pulling back far enough to look into Blaine's face, to stare at Blaine's lips long enough that he's ready to be kissed, but it doesn't come. His eyes flicker back up to meet Blaine's. "Then don't go."
That's good. Blaine doesn't know if he could survive walking out of Kurt's life again, it's like walking out of his own life too - everything he is is part of Kurt. He'd thought he didn't know who he was without booze, without depression, but after these past weeks… no, that's not right at all. He just doesn't know who he is without Kurt. When the last twelve years of his life have been spent with Kurt, he doesn't think that's so strange."
"What are you thinking about?" Kurt asks softly, brushing a lock of hair behind Blaine's ear.
"Share with the class?"
"I was... thinking that I could be happy."
"Will be," he corrects. The more he says it, the truer becomes. Naomi had challenged him to tell himself that at least once a day: I will be happy. Sometimes it helps. "I'm not all better yet, I know that… and maybe I never will be. But I think I'm getting there."
"I'm glad." Kurt's voice is wavering, now, and no, he absolutely cannot start crying, if he cries then Blaine will cry and he is so, so sick of tears. He tilts his head to kiss Kurt once, soft and brief on the lips, and when he pulls away, Kurt is smiling and his eyes are dry. He laughs softly, resting his hand flat on Blaine's cheek. "God. What are we doing here, Blaine?"
Blaine closes his eyes, leaning into the touch of Kurt's hand. "I don't know, I have no idea, I just know I want it." Kurt laughs again, but Blaine knows it's not to make fun of him. "I want you. And I want to be a family again, you and me and Amelia."
"Me too, god, I want all of it. Everything I said last night was true." There goes his voice again, all wobbly. He steps back far enough to sit down on the couch, straightening out his bathrobe before he grabs Blaine's hand tugs him down with him. Blaine tries not to be disappointed at this new lack of nakedness as he cuddles up on Kurt's chest, their legs tangling underneath them. It's too cramped, but neither of them moves even though they easily could. "There was a 'but' at the end of that sentence, wasn't there?" Kurt asks, raising his eyebrows.
Blaine sighs. "Yeah."
"Might as well talk it all out while we're sleepy and overemotional, right? Or is that just me?" Kurt presses a quick kiss to Blaine's cheek before he leans back again. "Sorry, couldn't resist."
"Don't be." Blaine smiles, but it doesn't last long.
"C'mon, tell me what's up."
"Just… what if, after everything that happened, we can't make it work?
"In my head, I'm always going to be the person that hurt you, and I don't want to me. I never want to hurt you again."
"But I could."
"I won't let you."
Blaine bites his lip, looking away. "I'm just so scared I'm going to ruin everything."
Kurt tucks his fingers under Blaine's chin, gentle but firm, making Blaine look back up at him. "I would rather try and fail," he says softly, "than give up now and live knowing that we could have had something amazing.
Blaine shuts his eyes tight. He's been holding back for so long, fighting this because he didn't believe he could have it, or that he deserved it. It's time to stop hiding. "Me too. We'll make it work. We'll be okay."
The press of Kurt's lips surprises him, and for half a second he forgets to kiss back. "That's more like it," Kurt whispers as he pulls away, laughing softly when Blaine tries to chase his lips. He has years' worth of kisses he has to make up for missing, after all. "So, to be clear: we can agree that we're going to give this a shot?"
"God, yes. And if it doesn't work…" it will, he tells himself, it will work, but what if…
"Then no hard feelings, I hope. We'll be friends who happen to have a kid, just like before. Wouldn't be the weirdest thing to happen to us."
"That's true." The silence goes on until Blaine says quietly, "Why do I still feel like I'm not allowed to have this?"
Maybe Kurt had a point, after the punishment thing - he hadn't wanted to hear it, last night, but now he makes himself think about it. Maybe Kurt was right, and he had been punishing himself by drinking, by hurting himself… and now by distancing himself from Kurt and saying it's for his own good. He's not sure how to stop, isn't even sure he doesn't deserve it, but…
Kurt stays quiet for a while, letting his fingers run through Blaine's still shower-damp hair, gently massaging over his scalp in a way that always just makes Blaine want to purr. "I've felt that way too," he finally answers, and Blaine stops himself from saying yeah, I noticed, because he knows it will just sound bitter, and he's not. Well, he is, he hates how long it took them to get to this point, but it's not with Kurt that he's angry. "For a while now. And it's been… really hard to get over. But Blaine, it isn't true."
"I know, but -"
"No, don't. Don't think like that. We're allowed to be happy."
Blaine swallows, and when he speaks, his voice is raw. "You make me the happiest I know how to be."
Kurt smiles, his eyes glistening. If Blaine can make him smile like that then he's achieved something amazing. "That's all I've ever wanted."
Who moves first Blaine doesn't know, but then their lips slot together, the angle awkward, slick and messy and a little desperate. Kurt still tastes like morning breath, which should be gross but isn't, it's just Kurt, nothing Blaine hasn't tasted before. They break apart with a soft gasp and the world has narrowed down to Kurt's arms around him. In here, it's their own little world. The only thing that can touch him is Kurt - Kurt who has hurt him, who he has hurt in return - but who he trusts anyway, because even though they might hurt each other again, it's not going to be the way it was. Never again.
This is real. Blaine repeats it in his head like a mantra as he snuggles closer to Kurt. This is real. It's mine, and it's okay to have it.
Of course there is more to think about. There's who will live where (Kurt hopes that Blaine will move back in; Blaine still thinks that Naomi may have had a point about him needing to leave), what to tell Amelia, what to call themselves (Kurt thinks that 'boyfriends' is so juvenile; Blaine says that 'partners' sounds stuffy, and neither of them can even touch the word 'husband' yet, though Blaine can't help but hope.) There will be problems, big and small, that's just their life. And Blaine knows that one night together, one over-emotional talk, won't make everything okay. It won't make them forget everything that has happened, though it might help them to forgive. It won't make Blaine completely okay, not by a longshot.
But it's a first step, and that's the hardest to take, and they have each other's hands to hold.
For now, they don't think about it. For now, they sit in the orangey-pink sunrise pouring through the windows as the city wakes up, and Blaine drinks in the peace and the quiet. Sometimes they kiss, mostly they don't, but there's no urgency to it. It's just an excuse to be closer.
Blaine revels in the fact that he's allowed. He can have this. He has his family back, and no matter what happens, he won't let them go. And maybe he did lose sight of himself along the way, maybe he isn't sure who he is anymore - but he is the man who is loved by Kurt Hummel-Anderson, and that's a good place to start.
"I love you," Kurt breathes, and Blaine peeks up to see his - boyfriend, lover, partner? His Kurt - drifting back to sleep. Blaine smiles into Kurt's skin, a warm glow spreading through the center of his chest. He thinks that might be happiness. He lies back down, closing his eyes, and thinks, without a hint of doubt, we'll be okay.