AN: Yeah…this is taken from real life.

Dedicated to Clancy Jane, because she loves Duckling more than anyone else.

A giant thank you to mauigirl60 for making my words pretty.


Chapter 17 French Fries and Pickles

"That looks like a bunch of blobby masses." Bella Swan looked at the screen of the ultrasound machine with her eyebrow raised. She had finished the exam, but the image remained on the screen. "That isn't a baby. It's an ink blot test."

Edward grabbed her hand. "That's our amazing offspring, Isabella! The fruit of my loins! The next generation of Cullen greatness! The product of our..."

"Inability to keep it wrapped up, Woody Woodpecker?" Bella smirked. "That nickname works on so many levels right now."

Dr. Felix Grant, Fork's burly obstetrician tried to stifle a laugh. "Mrs. Cullen, the baby has a strong heartbeat."

"Or, I have a wicked case of indigestion." Bella looked at the screen again. "Damned hot sauce!"

"Please tell her to stop eating hot sauce on her eggs! It can't be good for my child. It's probably the most disgusting thing I've ever witnessed her eating." Edward grimaced.

"You're a wimp with no taste." Bella pinched his side.

"Don't start with the pinching if you're not willing to follow up, wife." Edward wiggled his eyebrows.

Bella glared. "Woody, I'll tie you to that bed and you'll be begging for my hot sauce."

Edward got close to her face. He wanted that angry mouth of hers. "Promises, promises, sweetheart."

"Whoa, there, Mr. and Mrs. Cullen!" Dr. Grant pulled Edward away. "Are you two always like this?"

"Yes," Edward stated, looking at the doctor as if he was insane.

"It's our version of foreplay." Bella licked Edward's hand.

"Woman, that is disgusting!" Edward kissed her. "Our child is going to learn so many horrible habits!"

"You love it," Bella grinned.

"I do."

Carlisle poked his head into the examination room. "How's the patient?"

Dr. Grant smiled. He pointed to the screen. "The patients, both mom and baby, are doing wonderfully. The little one seems to be happy."

"Yes, Carlisle, your son, aka the little one, is positively giddy to be a papa." Bella frowned. "Tell him I want ice cream and French fries. Lots of French fries."

"Bella, sweetheart, I think Edward only has your best interests at..." Carlisle tried to explain.

"I disagree. He's feeding me horrible things. Like carrots." Bella pulled a package of Skittles from her purse.

"Mrs. Cullen, not in the office, please!" Dr. Grant admonished.

Bella just stared at him blankly and said, "Hush!"

"Give me the Skittles, Bella!" Edward held out his hand.

She held them up in the air. "Not gonna do it, Wendy!"

"Wait...Wendy?" Edward questioned. All the men in the room were confused.

"The redheaded mascot from the fast food restaurant!" Bella's eyes lit up. "They have the best French fries! We can dip them into a Frosty!"

"I can get you a veggie sandwich on wheat from that vegetarian place on Sycamore," Edward suggested.

Carlisle patted her hand. "It's quite good, Bella."

"Do they have French fries?" She already knew the answer.

"Well, no." Carlisle looked at his son to try and talk up the restaurant, but Edward was fixated on the Skittles.

Bella narrowed her eyes. "No, thank you."

"I love you, but I need those Skittles, Bella," Edward said, approaching her slowly.

Bella hopped off the table and went to the other side of it. It became a perfect buffer from Edward. "The only place other than my mouth they are going is up your as..."

"Mrs. Cullen!" Dr. Grant had never had an office visit quite like this.

Edward started chasing Bella around the table. It was lunacy.

She stopped abruptly and Edward tripped. With a quick pick-pocketing move she'd learned when visiting her nutty mother one summer, Bella dangled Edward's car keys in the air. "Eureka!"

"Don't you dare, Bella!" Edward called out.

"Carl, take Ed home! Mama's getting her fries!" Bella ran out of the room and Edward chased after her.


"Yes, Felix."

"I think I'll let Dr. Shirley see them for the next appointment." Dr. Grant thought the wacky Dr. Heidi Shirley would be a much better fit.

Carlisle just shook his head. "I don't blame you one bit."


Renee couldn't take a hint.

Bang, bang, bang!

"Baby, let Momma in!" she yelled through the door. "I brought you diapers!"

Bella and Rosalie sat on the couch, eating ice cream. Bella was dipping potato chips in hers. They were trying to mock The Bachelor.

"That's exactly what the flea in my belly needs. Diapers," Bella sighed. "She hasn't gained any brain cells, has she?"

Rosalie ate a big spoonful of rocky road. "Should I arrest her? With your mom's yelling, I can't hear what this crazy is whining about. Damn! I have no idea why she's complaining! It's a free trip to Hawaii, idiot!"

Rose loved screaming at the television when she hated what the characters were doing. Bella had a sneaking suspicion that Rose thought they could hear her.

"Maybe Renee will go away." Bella was scooping up vanilla ice cream with a Lay's potato chip. "It's the perfect mix of salty and sweet!"

Bang, bang, bang!

"Mommy brought you some V8!"

Bella immediately started gagging at the thought of that horrible tomato juice dreck going down her esophagus.

"Don't you dare throw up near my ice cream, Swan!"

"I love it when you call me Swan!" Bella started sniffling. Her hormones were giving Rose whiplash. "People keep calling me Cullen!"

"Well, you did marry him."

Bella threw a pillow over her face. With a muffled voice said, "In Boston Celtic gear!"

"I blew up the pictures to prove it." Rosalie had made them into poster size. They were hilarious.

Bella started to weep.

Rosalie went to the front door. "What do you want?"

"What's wrong with my baby?" Renee tried to push through Rose.

"Hormones, you old bag!" Rose tried to push her out. "Go back to Arizona and take that James character with you!"

"He really is sweet!"

Rose tried again to move the woman, but she was unable to move her. "He's a snake! Unless you have a liking for slithery things."

Renee's eyes got wistful. She loved his snake.

"If you could think about your daughter for once in your life, you miserable old bat, you would see he is trying to destroy her livelihood!"

"He said he would let her be the manager of the yogurt shop!" the woman exclaimed. Her tight tank top rode up and showed her wrinkles and rolls of flab. Rose now felt sick. She wondered if Renee would get offended. Not that Rose cared because, frankly, her eyes were offended.

Rose looked at her weeping and gagging friend. Bella cried out, "What is that horrible smell?"

"Mama made you some of her award-winning liver, onions and asparagus soufflé, baby!" Renee held out a Pyrex dish. It smelled so terrible that even Rosalie was nauseous.

"You are truly the worst mother ever!" Rose was about to lose all her patience and arrest the woman for being an oblivious idiot. "Which is saying something, seeing who my own mother is!"

"Oh, gawd, your mother used to be a cheerleader with me! The parties we used to go to, Rosie! One time, your momma got so drunk that she ended up face-down in a punch bowl, with her dress around her waist. It was a hoot!"

Rosie's mouth dropped open. Her snobby mother? Well, would wonders never cease!

"It smells so bad!" Bella moaned.

Rose grabbed the offending food from Renee, rushed to the door and threw it open. She tossed it right onto the entering Edward. He was covered with the stuff.

Bella was sniffing, as tears and snot ran down her face. Damned hormones!

Edward ran over to her and cried, "Bella, are you okay? I'm here!"

One sniff of that rancid stuff and Bella threw up on Edward. Again.

"Oh, come on!" he yelled. He started grabbing tissues to sponge himself off. "I just bought this! Do you think it's going to stain?"

Edward looked at Rosalie worriedly. She smacked him on the back of the head.

"Worry about your wife, idiot!" Rosalie was very tempted to just have Bella move in with her until the kid popped out. She was the only one who could deal with Bella's pregnancy issues.

"Oh...yes...yes...Bella!" Edward stripped off his shirt and Bella started ogling him. "Babe, you need to lie down."

Bella used her sleeve to wipe off her face. Edward was barely holding it together. He needed to sanitize the house, although he was tempted to fumigate it. Maybe blow it up. They were living in a pregnancy-induced pigsty.

She batted her eyelashes. "I won't get mad that you called me babe, if you lie down with me."

She stroked his chest. Edward was worried. Bella was being flirty. Bella was never flirty. He wondered if the baby made her possessed.

Renee looked on, salivating and having her own fantasies of her daughter's husband. Rosalie watched in disgust as Renee ran her hand down her own chest.

Grabbing the woman, Rosalie pulled her toward the door. "Off you go to wherever you're squatting, lady!"

"I think I need to find my Jammy Hammy to make me all moist!" Renee exclaimed.

Rosalie realized she was talking about James. She shuddered at the thought.

"Go!" Rosalie picked up Renee and put her down on the porch. "See ya!"

She turned around and saw Bella and Edward making out like teenagers on the couch. The ice cream containers were overturned and dripping all over the floor. It was a sticky mess.

"Ridiculous," Rosalie muttered.

She grabbed her bag to leave when she heard Edward say, "We can't, Bella! The baby's going to know what we're doing!"

Bella growled, "It's the size of a piece of dandruff!"

"He knows that..."


Edward narrowed his eyes. "Our baby knows Daddy is poking Mommy! Also, we could hurt it!"

"The doctor said it was fine!" Bella yelled. "I want you naked on that bed in two minutes, Ronald McDonald!"

Edward crossed his arms. "I want you to eat a salad!"

Bella screamed.

Rosalie grabbed Bella's arm. "Edward, I'm taking this hormonal meltdown to my house for the night. I'll bring her home tomorrow."

Bella beamed. "Can we get French fries and watch old Doris Day movies?"

Rosalie just smiled.

Edward tried to kiss Bella's cheek and she put her hand on his face. "Sweetheart, don't be mad!"

"You missed out, buckaroo!" Bella hooked her arm around Rose's. "Take me to the fries!"

"Bella, darling, get the small," Edward suggested.

"Let's Super Size it!" Bella exclaimed and stuck out her tongue at Edward.

He watched her going out the door and then smiled. He was going to scrub the floors!