The last time we kiss
It's so easy to go back to you,
That's what I do whenever I feel blue,
You see, for me this is not real,
I never think of how you feel,
Logan sat on the couch as he flipped through his iphone contact list only to throw the phone back down. Seconds later he would repeat this action. He felt lonely. He just had gotten off a tour and soon he'd be back on the road. He had tried relationships but they would never last. It wasn't the lack of effort. He had tried over and over again. Every time he thought this was it, this was going to work out. But after a couple of months it was over. He tried to skype with his girlfriend, called but with time difference and distance against them but it always came down to the same thing. They always told him the same thing. "It's not that I don't love you, it's just that I can't deal with the situation." And he couldn't blame them at all. Every time she needed him, he wasn't there. Until two years ago he met a girl who didn't ask for much. He knew that she loved him more than he ever could love her. He hated himself for it but he knew she was there when he needed her, needed someone.
I call you cuz I know you're there,
You'll meet me if I tell you where,
You see, for me this is just easy,
I never think of what might be,
He leaned back against the couch and closed his eyes. His mind wandering back to all the times she had been there for him.
It was a dark night. It was the dead of night and sleep wouldn't find him. He found himself on tour bus somewhere between Florida and Georgia, his next destination. He had turned on his laptop, logged onto Ichat but nobody was online, not that he could blame them seeing as it was past three am. Instinctively his hand found his phone and before he knew it he was dialing her number.
"Hey gorgeous," a sweet yet sleepy voice spoke on the phone.
"Hey, I woke you up didn't I?" he asked as he ruffed his hand through his hair.
"Yeah, but it's okay. What's on your mind?" she asked suppressing a yawn.
"I can't sleep and I miss you," he heard himself say. It was true in a way. He missed her but he missed the way she made him feel more.
"I miss you too. Do you want me to come see you?" she asked, her voice filled with love.
"It seems too much to ask," he softly said.
"Nothing you ask me is too much. When and where?" she asked. He could hear her shift in her bed.
"It seems too much to ask," he sighed.
"There's the thing, you didn't ask," she sighed as he could hear her type.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"I'm looking for baby chickens... what do you think I'm looking for Logan? I'm checking the first flight to Atlanta," she replied.
A moment of silence was shared. She was in Los Angeles but in that moment she felt so close.
"Okay, I just booked my flight, Logan. I'll be in Atlanta at ten am," she informed him.
"I can't wait," he spoke.
"Neither can I, Logan," she said smiling.
"Okay, you'll text me as soon as you land?" he asked.
"I'll call you as soon as I touch down in Atlanta. See you in a few hours Logan," she said smiling.
"See you in a few hours," he said before he closed connection.
He shut down his laptop and made his way back to the bunks as silently as possible. He crawled inside his bunk, wrapped the covers around him and prayed that sleep would come soon.
He was woken up by the commotion on the bus. He grunted and finally made his way out of his bunk.
"People are trying to sleep," he said as he walked to the lounge area where James and Kendall were sitting.
"What's up with you?" James asked as he raised an eyebrow.
"Nothing, just couldn't sleep last night," Logan said shrugging.
"Were you on the phone last night?" Kendall asked before he sipped from his cup of tea.
"Yeah, I didn't wake you did I?" Logan asked.
"No. Were you on the phone with her?" Kendall asked.
"Yeah so?" Logan asked.
Kendall just shook his head. He had been over this with Logan way too many times and it always resulted in arguments. Logan knew that the rest of the boys sided with Kendall on this one but he didn't care. It was what he wanted, what he needed and part of him knew they were right but he couldn't care less.
"You know how we feel," James pointed out.
"And you know where I stand on this matter," Logan said getting agitated with his friends knowing where this was leading.
"What's up?" Carlos asked as he walked in the lounge area.
"Logan invited a guest," Kendall stated.
"You did it again?" Carlos asked shaking his head.
"Get off my back! At least I don't hook up with a random girl in every city!" he said raising his voice.
"Maybe you should," James muttered.
"What did you say?" Logan asked shooting a mean glare at James.
"Nothing," James replied as he got up and made his way to the bunk area.
The bus finally pulled up at their hotel and not a moment too soon either. The tension was high and Logan wanted time away from them. He was tired of their judgment, tired of forcing their opinions on him. They were his best friends, his brothers but they had no idea what he needed or what he wanted.
Logan was settled in his hotel room and went straight to the shower. He leaned his head against the shower bar and let the water drip over his body. How was what he was doing any different from hooking up with a random girl every night? He wasn't going to let the guys' get in his head. Today was all about the fact that she was coming to town and they'd spent time together and he'd feel better.
Half an hour later, he heard his phone ring. He grabbed the towel, wrapped it around his waist and dried his hands before picking up the phone. He looked at himself in the mirror, his hair sticking to his face.
"I've landed," she said, her voice filled with happiness.
"Do you want me to come and get you?" he asked.
"No, I'm pretty sure by now, teen girls have found out where you're staying and you know how I feel about people knowing about me," she stated.
It was something they agreed on a long time ago. She wanted to stay out of the spotlights, she'd be anything he wanted her to be as long as fans didn't get wind of her.
"Point taken. I'll text you the address," he said as he avoided looking himself in the eye.
"Perfect," she said all cheery.
He quickly texted her all the information before getting ready. Now the waiting game began. It's something he found quite exciting. He hadn't seen her in a while, not in real life anyway. There had been times that there was no way that she could make it, no matter how badly he had made it seem he wanted her there.
An hour later there was a soft knock on the door and he instantly knew. His heart skipped a beat. He walked to the door and opened it and she was standing there smiling. As he had done many times before, he grabbed her hand and pulled her close.
"God, I've missed you," she whispered as she held him close, taking in his scent.
"I've missed you too," he replied as he held her tight before softly placing his lips on hers.
After their embrace broke, he grabbed her bag from her and placed it next to the bed.
"So wanna tell me whats up?" she asked as she sat on the bed.
"I just missed you, missed someone familiar," he spoke honestly.
"I'm here now, Logie, I'll always be here," she said comforting him.
"I know you will be," he said as he sat next to her.
He gazed deep into her hazel eyes, placed his hand on her cheek, cupping her face, rubbing his thumb over her cheek before leaning in for another kiss.
And later on tonight I'll think of you,
And later on tonight there is something that I have to tell you,
My neck is wet from all your tears,
This has always been one of my fears,
You knew that it would turn to this,
This will be the last time we kiss,
You knew that it would come to this,
This will be the last time we kiss,
He shook the memories out of his head. He couldn't deal with them anymore. He was no longer that person he was two years ago. He had seen the change in their relationship. She had been all he could ever wanted but he knew he had to end it. The more he thought of it, the more he knew it was the right thing to do. He had thought about it before, it wasn't a decision he made over night. He had felt like this for months now but he never had found the right moment, the right time.
He took a deep breath and grabbed his phone again, searched for her name and dialed the number.
"Hey stranger, I wondered when you were going to tell me you were back in town," she softly said.
"Can you come over?" he asked as he rubbed his eyes.
"I'll be there in ten minutes," she said.
"Of course you will," he thought. "Okay see you in ten," he replied. He was still fighting himself on this. He was still fighting the battle he had been fighting since the day they met.
The doorbell rang and he got up, buzzed in and opened the door slightly as he sat on the couch, back in the same spot he had been sitting all night.
She walked in the door, looking as beautiful as ever. Her long dark brown hair dangling around her shoulders.
"Hey gorgeous," she said as she closed the door behind her.
"Hey sweetie," he replied giving her a weak smile.
"Logan, what's going on?" she asked as she shoved her hands in her pockets.
"We have to talk," he said making himself look at her.
"I don't like the sound of this," she said softly.
"Just take a seat and hear me out okay?" he said as he patted on the seat next to him. She did as she was told, she always did.
"I've been thinking and doing some heavy soul searching the last couple of months," he started off.
"You are breaking up with me aren't you?" she asked flat out.
All he could do was look away. He couldn't bear to look at her. "Look at me Logan!" she demanded.
He slowly turned his head, facing her. "It's me, not you," he continued.
"Yeah and I've heard that bullshit before," she said as she got up.
"Don't leave," he pleaded. "Just hear me out!"
"Okay, go on," she said as she crossed her arms. He looked her in the eyes and the color had changed. He could see the fire of anger and hurt in her eyes.
"Look, I'm sorry. I really am, I really wish things were different. I love you, I do, but just not the way you want me to," he softly spoke.
"You think i'm stupid don't you? You think I didn't know? You think that I was delusional? I knew that some day it would come down to this. I just didn't think it would be now," she stated as her voice started to crack. "I've never asked you for anything Logan. I was happy with the way things were. I knew that you could never be there for me the way I wanted you to, that you would never love me the way I love you but I secretly hoped that it would be enough for you because it was enough for me. All I ever wanted was you and the times we've spend together, the moments we shared, it was enough!" she said now her voice filling with anger.
"But don't you see, that you deserve better than that? That you deserve someone who loves you more than life itself? Someone who is capable of loving you more than I ever could? Who would never take you for granted because I took you for granted, way too many times and you just let me! You were always there! You deserve the world and I feel horrible for letting you believe that this was what you deserved," he said shaking his head.
"You seriously still don't get it do you? It was enough for me because I love you. It was enough because I had you in my life and now you're telling me it's over? We're done?" she now said tears streaming down her face.
"It's not fair," he said as he stood up, moving a step closer to her.
"Don't! Don't do this!" she said as she backed away.
He grabbed her hand pulled her closer as she sobbed.
"I'm sorry, I am sooo sorry," he whispered. "You're a better person than I could ever be and that is why it has to end here and now," he continued.
Finally the tears had stopped coming, she pulled herself together and she hated herself for allowing herself to cry in his arms like that. She took a deep breath, held him for dear life before letting go. She sighed, trying to control her heart beat, her heart was now beating so fast she was sure it was going to jump out of her chest any moment now. She broke the hug, looked at him in silence for a brief moment as she was trying to grasp everything that just happened and tried to collect her thoughts.
She looked so sad and he knew what he had done. He knew she loved him but it wasn't until that very moment, the moment he had done what he did, that he realized just how much she did.
She ran her hand through her hair, looked at him as she bit her lip, carefully choosing the words in her mind, making sure that whatever she was gonna say was gonna hit home, made him perfectly clear that he had ended it and some day he was gonna regret it.
"You know Logan, I may not be perfect and yeah I am very flawed. I have skeletons in my closet and I regret many things. I have a lot of scars on my soul that will take a lifetime to heal and this is just another one of those scars. I don't regret a single moment of us and some day I'll be able to think back to those memories without them killing me slowly inside but that's the difference between you and I, Logan. Listen very careful to what I am about to say now because I want you to remember the words every time you think of me. One day you will realize what a good thing we had and I refuse to believe that everything between us is as you are downplaying it. I know you love me, more than you are capable of admitting for whatever reason it is. Whatever makes you fall asleep at night Logan. I know because I felt it in your touch, in your kiss, in everything and one day you are going to wake up realizing that you threw it all away and when that day comes Logan, don't think for a second that I'll come running back to you. Don't even think that when you pick up that phone and call me, I will come running. You will regret this, Logan, trust me!" she said her voice now as cold as ice. "This is goodbye Logan," she said as she turned on her heel and walked out of the door and out of his life.