Disclaimer - Don't own them, sadly. Just jumping in the sandbox to play.
Out of the Mouths of Babes
"Uncle Jake, I gotta question."
This simple exchange started it all. Jensen's ten year old niece had trailed into the living room, school bag dragging the floor behind her.
Jensen was slumped on the sofa, engaged in his game of Halo. Cougar was sat next to him, offering a sniper's opinion of the current battle. Clay was stretched out in an easy chair, for some reason reading a Better Homes and Gardens magazine. Pooch was sat at the desk in the corner, engrossed in his technical manual for a 1967 Chevy Impala. Roque was sharpening one of his less offensive looking knives and eating his way through a small mountain of cookies.
As soon as 'the question' was uttered however, the game was paused, sniper commentary ceased, magazine surreptitiously lowered, manual dropped to the floor, and knife carefully sheathed.
Jensen looked wildly around the room, obviously hoping one of his team mates would jump in and save the day. Their expressions ranged from smug (Roque) to sheer horror (Pooch) however, and Jensen knew nobody was going to rescue him.
He ran a hand through his hair and asked in a (hopefully) casual voice, "Why do you want to know sweetie?"
Hannah shifted from foot to foot, looking down at her shoes, then said, "I heard some boys talking at school, and I didn't know what some of the words they used meant. I asked Suzie Green and she said she was gonna ask her Dad, and I said I'd ask you."
Jensen looked pained and said, "You could go ask your mom. I'm sure she'd explain things. After all, she's a girl as well."
Hannah looked scandalised and said in a hushed voice, "You can't ask moms about things like that. They're naughty things!"
"So you thought you'd ask me, thanks" Jensen replied dryly.
"Well mom says you're naughty, so I figured you'd know," said Hannah, the picture of innocence, "She says Uncle Clay, Uncle Roque, Uncle Pooch and Uncle Cougar are naughty too, but I don't believe her." Clay smirked, then scowled as Hannah said "Uncle Cougar's never naughty. I bet he always does what his mommy tells him."
She stared at Cougar intently. He nodded seriously and said, "Si pequeña, siempre."
The little girl looked vindicated, then turned back to her real uncle. "So what's sex?"
"Ummmm", Jensen was now scrubbing his hand wildly through his hair, making it stand up all over the place. He roughly cleaned his glasses and put them back on lopsided. "Well, umm, I guess, errrr, I suppose you could say…." he trailed off into silence as Pooch took pity on him and spoke up.
"It's when two people who love each other very much hug in a special way."
Roque's look of stunned disbelief was only outdone by Clay's howl of laughter.
"What?" Pooch asked, hands outspread, "It's what my mom told me!"
Clay was actually wiping his eyes as he chuckled, "I'm so worried that you and Jolene actually want kids someday." He looked over at Hannah and said, "Boys and girls are made differently honey, you may have noticed…"
"NO!" Jensen yelled, "There will be no talk of boys! Boys are nasty dirty, devious little creatures and Hannah's having nothing to do with them."
"Dirty, devious little creatures, are you officially a woman now Jensen?" Roque asked with a sly smile.
Jensen gave him his best 'the hacker hates you and will ruin your credit rating as soon as he gets near a computer' glare. Roque shrugged and said calmly, "Sex is something that feels really good, but only adults get to do it. You're not old enough yet. And neither are the boys at school, so whatever they said was probably a load of bull they heard from their dads."
"Wow Roque, paternal much?" Clay rumbled.
Roque just looked at him and said, "Knives Clay, I have lots of knives. Lots of sharp nasty knives that don't object to stabbing senior officers."
Clay just raised his eyebrows and grinned.
"Okay!" Jensen said loudly, obviously desperate to change the subject. "Who wants ice cream? I want ice cream, let's go get ice cream!" He held out his hand hopefully to the little girl who eyed him mutinously.
In desperation Jensen turned to Cougar with a pleading expression. The sniper tried to hide further under his hat but found Hannah's blue eyes locked on his as well. He sighed and said quietly, hoping the rest of the team couldn't hear him, "Sex is very special and you do it when you're in love with someone. And if you're lucky it feels very nice and sometimes it can mean that a lady will have a baby."
Hannah's eyes went as round as saucers as she said, "Oooooh. Thanks Uncle Cougar, I think I get it now."
She turned and bounced off, reminding Cougar more forcefully of her uncle than ever. She stopped and turned back, face thoughtful.
"Have you ever done sex with somebody?"
Cougar hissed in a breath as he heard the other men's ribs creak from holding in laughter.
"Si pequeña, I have."
"Oh, was it with Uncle Jake?"
Cougar pleaded with the ground to open up and swallow him. He turned horrified eyes on Clay who waved a hand magnanimously.
"Whatever Cougs, DADT's never really been a big deal with us."
Cougar took a deep breath and turned back to Hannah.
"Yes, with your Uncle Jake."
"Cool." Hannah grinned and ran out into the kitchen, demanding milk and snacks from her mother.
Jensen wrapped a hand round Cougar's bicep and squeezed, a silent thank you. They both looked at Clay, who bit his cheek to stop from laughing at the identical scared expressions on their faces. Kind of like two schoolboys caught watching porn on their dad's computers. He fought off the laughter and said seriously, "We don't care who or what you screw, but please Cougs for the love of God, gag Jensen or something, 'cause the screaming's really getting out of hand."
Pooch was nodding vehemently in the background and Roque was just leering.
For one of the few times in his life, Jake Jensen blushed. Cougar just took it like a man and threw a quick salute to his CO as he said,
A/N I have no idea where this came from. Maybe it's my own repressed horror at the idea of explaining the birds and the bees to my own two little ones some day. Whether you liked it or hated it, please let me know!