A/N: This is crack!fic, pure and simple. Let me know if you liked it! Enjoy!
Once there was a girl named Marian. She was very pretty, with wavy locks of a deep brown and blue eyes that sparkled with intelligence, as well as the occasional mischief. She did nice things for people and everybody loved her. So naturally, lots of men wanted to get in bed with, I mean, marry her.
The first man to try was Sir Guy of Gisborne. Sir Guy had a sexy voice, sexy abs, and a sexy leather outfit. He also worked for the Sheriff and therefore had a lot of money. Or at least the promise of a lot of money. He really needed to take out a third mortgage on Locksley Manor after this last round of gift-giving. But that was okay because he'd stolen it from Robin anyway.
But I digress. Sir Guy of Gisborne's method of winning Lady Marian's heart involved buying her increasingly expensive gifts. First he'd gotten her a scarf. She didn't seem particularly thrilled by that. Then he'd gotten her a necklace. He'd thought she was pretty impressed with that until she found out that he sort of stole it from some peasant girl. They'd gotten engaged, but it was obvious she still didn't really like him that much. Then he'd gotten her a horse. She had been quite happy with that, but it had all ended with her galloping away on the horse and no longer paying attention to him. He debated getting her hosiery, but determined this was likely to result in personal injury and so decided against it.
Marian liked Sir Guy's gifts. There was the occasional day where she admittedly liked Sir Guy. But he was possessive and kind of scary. And he didn't change his clothes. Ever. All his gifts just wouldn't make up for those things.
The next man was the former Lord of Locksley, Robin Hood. Robin had mischievous green eyes, a mop of light brown hair which needed to be cut, like, six months ago, and he liked to show off with a bow and arrow.
Robin's gifts to Lady Marian were his words. He liked to climb up the side of Marian's house to her bedroom window, perch on the ledge, and say creative, romantic things like "Shh. Listen. Hear that? That kiss spoke volumes", and things that held the promise of an adventurous life, like "Why don't you come to the forest and live with me?" Robin had loved Marian since they were children, and he was convinced that they were made for each other.
Marian liked Robin very much. Some days she even loved him. And his words were very flattering and enticing, and he liked to help people just like she did. But had an ego the size of the sun. And he smelled bad because he lived in the forest. All his words just wouldn't make up for those things.
The third man was Allan A'Dale. Allan worked for Robin Hood, but mainly just because he got off on romping around in the forest and stealing money from rich people. Allan had dark chestnut hair, perfect hands, and very pretty blue eyes. Very, very pretty blue eyes.
Now Allan was an enterprising man, so for his gift to the Lady Marian, he got creative. A couple of months ago an important rich man with a really long name but who went by Freddy had come to the forest from the faraway land of Germany. While he was there, Allan had, with a slight of the hand and his classic charming smile, managed to win Count Freddy's grandmother's secret chocolate cake recipe off of him in a game of "watch which cup your grandmother's secret chocolate cake recipe is under". (It was German Chocolate Cake, of course, because as I have mentioned before, Freddy the Count was German.) So, in the dead of night, Allan robbed Much's kitchen, stole off to the local baker's shop, and baked the cake, using three times the amount of chocolate the recipe called for. Then he had placed it on her windowsill and hidden behind her door until she had come into her room and seen it. Marian took a bite, determined it was the most delicious thing she had ever tasted, turned around, saw Allan A'Dale looking rather proud of himself, and determined that any man who could manipulate chocolate in that manner must be a god. She didn't know what was so hard about the fact that the way to a woman's heart is chocolate. Obviously Allan was smart enough to figure it out, and that plus the promise of more chocolate in their future together was enough for her. So the Lady Marian and Allan A'Dale had sex..I mean, got married and lived happily ever after.