Heeeeeeeey! Before you say anything, I know it's been awhile. Like, two-and-a-half months. I have absolutely no excuse for this, and I feel terrible. That being said, I feel like I've finally gotten my Merlin Muse back, so it shouldn't be anywhere near as long before the next update! :D

Description: Merlin needs to talk about his issues—who does he go to?

Disclaimer: If I owned Merlin, I probably wouldn't poke fun at it nearly as much as I do! ;P

Additional AN: This story takes place near the end of season two but contains spoilers for season three. Yes, that makes perfect sense (any arguments otherwise are invalid!).

The Dragon Is IN

"…So that's why I'm no longer allowed to wear neckerchiefs when Sir Roland visits." Merlin finished with a sigh, fingering his current scarf sadly.

Kilgharrah blinked, shaking himself out of his doze in time to catch the man's last statement. He cleared his throat sheepishly. "And… er… How does that make you feel, young warlock?"

Merlin frowned. "Kind of sad, I guess. I mean, I've never really been without it before…"

The Great Dragon nodded sagely. "Some separation anxiety is to be expected, of course."

"What? 'Separation anxiety'?" Merlin scoffed. "Please—this is not that big of a deal!"

"It's perfectly normal," Kilgharrah assured him. "Although, admittedly, your level of codependence is a bit–"

"Codependence?! I'll have you know, I can quit wearing it whenever I want!" Merlin huffed, crossing his arms and scowling at the dragon.

Kilgharrah cocked his head disbelievingly. "Prove it."

"N-now?" Merlin gulped, his hand flying up to his neck. "It's just… I mean, it's kind of drafty down here… Maybe I should leave it on—you know, for health reasons?" He coughed pitifully into his hand before glancing up to see if Kilgharrah was buying it.

"Nice try, young warlock."

He wasn't.

"Fine, I'll admit it! Maybe I am a little overly fond of my neckerchiefs," Merlin conceded.

"Good, good—admitting it is the first step," Kilgharrah encouraged. "Perhaps it would help if we discussed where, exactly, this attachment came from?"

Merlin nodded thoughtfully. "I think it all began when I was about seven years old," he began, making himself comfortable. "You see, I'd always been self-conscious about my neck—it's not that much longer than normal, is it?—but on one warm summer's day in Ealdor–"

At that moment, however, a voice called out from the tunnel, cutting through Merlin's ramblings.

"Kilgharrah! I'm here to talk about my daddy issues and bouts of uncontrollable smirking!"

Merlin gaped at the dragon in shock, while Kilgharrah merely scowled.

"Looks like my three o'clock is here early…"

AN: Oh, you can't tell me that Kilgharrah doesn't feel like a psychiatrist at times! And OBVIOUSLY Merlin isn't the only one who has sessions with him—why do you think Uther keeps him chained up down there? It isn't to send a message to the magical world; it's so the king can talk about his issues!

Okay, because I feel super guilty about taking so long to update, I'm including an extra-special bonus-y thing: a copy of Kilgharrah's list of diagnoses for the main characters of Merlin!

Surprise! :)

Dr. Agon's Diagnoses

MERLIN: Neckerchief Codependence, Chronic Clumsiness, and General Mental Afflictions

MORGANA: Daddy Issues and Bouts of Uncontrollable Smirking

GAIUS: Incessant Rambling and Pathological Need to Explain Everything

GWEN: Foot-in-Mouth Syndrome

ARTHUR: Possible Brain Damage Due to Repeated Head Injuries

UTHER: Extreme Paranoia, Obliviousness, and Some Signs of Early-Onset Baldness

KILGHARRAH: Gives Conflicting Advice about Camelot, Both Wanting to Save It and Destroy It—Possible Mood Swings and/or Multiple Personality Disorder

"And at the very end, I'm gonna put 'Dr. Agon' across the screen, take that period, get it outta there, squish it together—it'll say 'Dragon.'"

In case you were wondering, yes, Dr. Agon IS best friends with Dr. Acula. They go to all the cool Monster Mashes together. ;P

And, ah, Gwen... Remember when she used to be all adorable and say something wrong and then correct herself about fifty times? Yeah...

Well? *bites lip nervously* What did you think? Funny? A little rusty? I'd love to hear from you either way—it's been FAR too long! :)

P.S. In case you hadn't noticed, I will point out that we are a mere TEN reviews shy of 600... I'm not hinting anything, just thought it was an interesting fact. ;P

P.P.S. During the two month break since I last updated this, I DID post an angsty little oneshot about the finale, if you, y'know, want to check that out... I also updated my "Uncommon Knowledge" fic today! :)