It's Not My Fault
Written by Star of Airdrie
Winner of an honourable mention in the RobStar First Kiss Competition.
It wasn't his fault. Not at all. It was mostly Wally's. Not to mention Roy and his damn punch-spiking ways.
And don't forget TMZ. But really they just spread the information – it was the National Enquirer which originally ran the story and the photos. It was their fault. Not his.
Oh, and how could he forget to mention those evil geniuses at Photoshop? It was so their fault.
And truth be told it was Bruce's fault. Double-frickin'-identity. Playboy-life-as-cover. Keeping up the charade. His. Fault.
How hard could it be to keep two separate lives apart?
Did he really just ask himself that question?
Of course it happened in front of an audience. Like some scene out of 1950's sitcom, Starfire grabbed Robin's ear and dragged him out of the room. In said sitcoms, the mother or father or Nun generally isn't flying (unless it's Sally Field), but in Robin's case...
"Do you have the clue as to why I needed to hoist you by the pinna to remove you from the common area so we could discuss a private yet so public matter with you in my room of bed?"
"Ouch. Huh? No... Hey Star, you're beautiful and sooo sexy, did I mention that?"
"Oh X'hal, Robin. Now is not the time to do the flirting," she scolded, causing him to recoil. "Now I shall tell you why I brought you to the room of the bed."
He gave her a hopeful look; she ignored it.
"Let me do the telling of you. Why were you unclothed so that people could see all of your person including your... your... your kenorfdenstocker in public and yet remain clothed even in private while alone with me, your girlfriend, who you have finally professed is no longer just a friend who is a girl?" She took in a deep breath.
Since that kiss in Tokyo, Robin and Starfire had started a romance worthy of a pair of 1950's tenth graders, with some hand holding, generally chaste kisses and shy smiles. Robin was content, Starfire was frustrated but she refused to push, happy to have his attention after all these years. She'd anticipated he would take it slow even though they were well over eighteen. It look him more than four years to kiss her after all.
Well that was until that ill-fated night when the Titans had a party.
Oh by the way, that party was not Robin's fault. Not at all. No sir-ee. It was Cyborg's and Bumblebee's. And wisdom teeth.
Given that it was Robin's wisdom teeth, maybe it was partially his fault but no... no, he was not to blame; impacted wisdom teeth are a genetic issue after all, and you can't be blamed on your own genetics.
If Robin hadn't left for Gotham to have his wisdom teeth pulled, de facto leader Cyborg and Bumblebee wouldn't have had a chance to plan the party. And Robin wouldn't have been so comfortably numb on Vicodin that he actually authorized the party.
Ergo it can be blamed on the oral surgeon. And it's the pharmacist's fault as well.
The party was great, Robin had to admit. Perhaps the most epic get together they'd had since the post downfall of the Brotherhood of Evil Party. Well into the evening he was feeling so good about life, and was even getting braver with Starfire. They had a chance to dance, talk with their friends, and soon after he brought her (much to her delight) back to his room where he decided to try to steal more than a kiss.
When they got back things were getting out of hand at the party. But Robin felt great and Starfire was all cooey and he didn't want to spoil things by going all leadery...
And that Fubar punch that the Titans East had just mixed up was so good.
Yep, the Fubar was tasty and for some reason it actually relaxed him. Odd for such a sweet, sugary punch. His feelings were an aftereffect of that time with Starfire, Robin reasoned.
Oh, that was fun and they hadn't even taken their clothes off yet...
Wally and Speedy cornered him. Red flags should have gone up but didn't. The two were the only other Titans that had known who he was as a hero and as in civilian life. For whatever reason, 'now that you are finally getting cozy with Starfire, you have to tell her you're Dick Grayson. That's so going to get you laid,' made some sense to Robin at that particular moment.
Later - when he was kicking himself, something he was flexible enough to literally do - he realized that on the one hand, sharing his identity with Starfire was a good idea; but on the other hand, it had nothing to do with getting to laid, and in the big scheme of things, that was going to happen when he was good and ready.
Most likely in six or seven years given his cautious nature.
"I guess I will have to do the showing of you then." Starfire stated as she dragged Robin by the collar to her desktop computer. At least she remained on the ground this time. "I believe it is known as the irony that while I was checking the gossip of the town of tinsel on the TMZ, I came across a picture of my boyfriend which illustrates that he has no difficult doffing his clothing except in my presence."
"This appears to be you on the beach. I am assuming that when you were at the Batman's for ten days last month to do the training you instead were at the Rivera of the Frenchmen. I never realized while you were in your identity of civilianess that you were so... so... uninhibited!"
"Seriously Robin, until tonight,you had not even touched my grebnax and when you did it was over my uniform. We have yet to disrobe before each other – by your choice not mine, mind you – and here you are, as they saw, 'in all of your glory'!"
"Star, I'm not sure I'm following you-"
"Let me ask you the simple question then: If I were dating Dick Grayson instead of Robin, would I have seen your kenorfdenstocker by now?"
"Um, before I answer that, is a kenorfdenstocker what I think it is?"
"Yes. It is the Tamaranian word for your civilian first name."
"That wasn't nice, Star."
"Either is saying to your girlfriend that you are doing the training with Batman and instead you are doing the vacationing. As you may recall, I even asked you about the tanning of your skin and you told me that you had done a great deal of jogging during the daytime."
"Well, actually that part is true-"
"But you did not mention that it was on another continent."
"Well no, you're right." Robin gave a defeated sigh. "I did lie," he looked up at her, "and you're so pretty."
"Robin, do the focusing."
"I love your usement of the English language. Did you notice that? I said 'usement'. I'm teasing you cause I love you."
Starfire somehow ignored the first time Robin had proclaimed his love.
"We were discussing your vacation?"
"I'm sorry, it's just that I had to spend time with my um, former guardian and we went away for a few days."
"Who is Bruce Wayne, who is also the Batman."
"You figured that out? Wow. God Star, you're smart and gorgeous and sexy and I-"
She ignored the compliment. "Here look at these." She pointed at the computer screen that had been showing a naked Dick Grayson during their entire discussion. "Is this not you, Dick? In a state of the nakedness?"
"Oh, that. Wait, what? Let me see-"
"Are you that drunk?"
"X'hal Robin. The Fubar punch has the grain alcohol in it. As Cyborg would say, 'Some detective you are'."
"Star, that also wasn't nice. You're supposed to be nice. You're always nice. Especially to me." He gave her a lopsided grin. "Wait, naked?" He looked back and forth between Starfire and the screen. "That's me yeah, but that's just a tople-, a beach, but I wasn't naked!"
"So you are saying it is you on the beach, but instead of the naked, you were wearing some sort of clothing? Perhaps a suit of bathing?"
"Board shorts actually. The entire time. I swear to you, Star. We were on a private beach but I had shorts on." He silently prayed that she would not remark about the topless women in the background. "This is not my fault!"
"How did they get these pictures in the first place then Robin?"
"The paparazzi take pictures of me all the time, Star-"
"I realize that, Dick. They do the taking of pictures here in Jump as well of all of us as heroes and recently they have become quite interested in the two of us as boyfriend and girlfriend. And at some point, Mr. Grayson, we will do the discussing of your reputation."
"That's Bruce's reputation, not mine, I swear, Star."
"Really, Star, it's only you."
Starfire gave him a short smile before catching herself. "So you wish for me to believe that these photographs were the fabrication."
"Well, that's me, I was there, but they had the photos doctored to make it look like I was naked. So they must have. It happens. I'm sorry, Star. That's actually not quite what I look like... " He gave a bit of a proud smile that she missed.
"It is the o. and the k." She sounded dejected.
"I'm sure Bruce's lawyers are taking care of things as we speak."
Starfire moved away from her post at Dick's shoulder and started to pace the room, twisting her fingers a bit. She was unsettled, not quite able to figure out why. So the pictures weren't real. So Robin/Dick didn't show himself naked all the time. Pity.
Pity? Well, now she was getting a handle on how she really felt.
"I'm sorry this upset you Star, it really wasn't my fault, but I feel like I still need to make it up to you..."
Starfire looked at Robin and considered. She looked back at the computer. Even if the photo was the doctored, it was glorious. Perhaps she could persuade him...
"There is one thing you can do to make this up to me Robin," she purred. "It is not that I do not believe you, but I'd feel better in so many ways if I could do the seeing of the real thing-"
Robin grinned, more than willing to play along. In a remarkable about face, he was up for what she was asking. "You do mean all of me and not just my kenor-whatever?"
"While I am very interested in seeing your kenorfdenstocker," she dropped her eyes to gaze in its direction, "but it is my wish to see all of you."
"I think I can handle it," he replied with a smirk. "But Star?"
"Yes Robin?" She cocked her head, awaiting the question.
"Would you mind, um, undressing as well?"
"Silly Robin, do you honestly think that would have been a problem for me?"
"Um, no?" It came out as a hopeful question.
Within ten seconds she had off her party clothes and Robin forgot to breathe. Or how to swallow.
Starfire giggled. "Do you need some assistance with your uniform, Robin?"
"I think I have it."
"I'm sure you do. But I'd like to help anyway... to expedite things."
"Oh, in that case, go ahead."
Epilogue – Several hours later...
Robin woke with a bit of a start.
What about that tape quite a while back? It was destroyed, right?
Well, that wasn't his fault either. It was Poison Ivy's fault. That stupid potion of hers. And Bab's fault. And Bruce for giving them not quite enough antidote for their belts to completely counteract the potion's effects...
Thank you for reading! Reviews always appreciated.
TMZ – TMZ stands for the Thirty Mile Zone and is a website that delivers celebrity news and gossip.
The National Enquirer is a fifty plus year old 'supermarket tabloid' that boasts 'Celebrity News' and is know to have uncovered some incredible stories that were true (John Edwards' love child) and many that were not (ummm... how many ET's talking to the Presidents through the years – but that might have been The Globe... but they do get an occasional story wrong occasionally – don't sue!)
Sally Field starred in the sitcom 'The Flying Nun' that ran on ABC from 1967 to 1970.
Pinna - The visable part of the ear.
FUBAR – stands for F*'d Up Beyond All Recognition. Fubar the tasty beverage is to be enjoyed in moderation when you reach the legal drinking age where you love has various forms and the one I'm acquainted with is red Hawaiian Punch and grain alcohol. Vodka is a good sustitute. So is ginger ale. Grain alcohol is 190 proof which is 95% alcohol. It's deadly. You really don't want to mess with it. It is, with the exception of 151 Rum, about twice as much alcohol as most hard liquors.
It is canon that members of the Bat family have been among the people that have fallen under the influence of Poison Ivy's various plant-based serums and toxins, many of which use a seductive and/or mind controlling element. Some she administers herself via a kiss, attracting people via pheromones, while others can be transported and used by others. They affect both men and women, although she generally is kinder toward women.