Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by J. K. Rowling. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

Draco Malfoy and the Trials of Single Parenthood


from the journal of Draco Malfoy, postscript

July 31, 2018

If someone had told me when I was at school that I would one day be attending a private birthday party for none other than Harry Potter, I'm not sure what I would have done. Laughed, first, then scoffed – Perfect Potter, having parties thrown for him…

I'm a bit drunk, I think. The sentence I just wrote looks a bit blurry. Huh.

Anyway. It's a fun party, even if Weasley's being a bit of a douche. I'm outside now and I can't believe I'm writing in my journal. I'm so fucking sad, I swear.

"Tell us 'bout Astoria," Weasley slurred a few minutes ago. "Bit of a bitch, ain't she?"

"A little."

"You haven't been with anyone since she left?"

"No. You might have missed the memo, but I've been a little busy this year."

"It's only been a year, Ron," Ginny Potter said. "Give him some time."

"Technically seven years," I scowled into my drink. I thought I was being quiet but Weasley heard.

"You haven't gotten laid for seven years?"

Weasleys. They're as unsubtle as their hair. Potter choked on his drink and started laughing, and even Granger hid a smile very badly. Evil woman.

"Announce it to the world, why don't you," I grumbled.

"You," Weasley had said dramatically, pointing at my chest, "need to get laid."

I blinked at him slowly. "Okay," I said. "That isn't the most disturbing thing you've ever said to me, but it's definitely up there."

"Bugger off, Ron!" Potter laughed, but Weasley draped his arm around my shoulder and grinned.

"Whaddaya say we get you into speed dating?"

I said I needed another glass of wine. And now I'm outside like a sad loser writing in my journal because I probably won't remember this but it'll make me laugh when I get over the hangover I'm sure I will have.

At least they won't remember this in the morning, either.

the end

Stick around for the rest of the journals & ice cream series! You can check out my profile page for more information on some of the stories, but I'm putting the full list of the titles here anyway:

1. Draco Malfoy and the Trials of Single Parenthood [complete]
2. Draco Malfoy and the Perils of Dating [complete]
3. Ronald Weasley and the Midlife Crises [complete]
4. Lorcan Scamander and the Year of Raging Hormones [in progress]
5. The Invention of Hugo Weasley
6. We Need To Talk About Lily
7. The Vanishing Act of Hadrian Malfoy
8. The Time Traveller's Husband

Yes, titles 5 to 8 are all bad puns on best-selling published books. Don't judge me.