Twilight Post Secret Challenge

Number of Secret Chosen: 13

Pen-name: XXX

Title: What I Couldn't Say

Word Count: 2,151 of my own words, plus song lyrics at the end so 2,379

Beta: XXX

Rating: M

Pairing: Jasper/Edward

Summary: I was his secret, the little piece of him no one knew about...his lie. And when it was all said and done, he picked her.

Disclaimer: I don't own. I wish I did.


What I Couldn't Say

I never got a chance to tell him how I felt; how choosing her is and would always be a mistake. I couldn't make myself say the words when he told me he was marrying her. Instead, I lied and told him I was happy for him. It's a lie I was still telling him.

Now don't get me wrong, I have nothing against her per se. It just should have been me. And that's not the worst part; the worst part of it is, it couldhave been me. I could have been the one he kissed goodnight, told 'I love you', all of it. We were too scared at the time to give in to those wants, and now it was too late.

They were holding hands as they met me for lunch. I had to look away until they sat down; the small pang of jealousy hitting me and sitting in the pit of my stomach every time I saw them together like that.

"Hey, sorry we're late. Bella's doctor appointment ran over. You weren't waiting long were you?"

"No, I actually just got here a few minutes ago myself."

"Oh, good."

"So what's this big news you drug me all the way across town for anyway?"

"Umm, that's actually why we're so late." They looked back and forth at each other then to me. "Bella's pregnant."

"Oh. Congratulations!" Another stab of sadness hit me. It was great for them...really. It was also a reminder of just one more thing I could have never given him.

"Thanks. We can't wait. We're so excited." He gently placed his hand over hers on her stomach, his face holding so much pride and love. It was so sweet and painful all at the same time. I had to find a way to get out of there fast before I said or did something I'd regret.

"Do you know what it is yet?"

"No, it's still too soon. We have another two months to wait before we'll know that."

"Well as much as I hate to do this, I have to run. Congratulations again, you guys."

"Are you sure you have to go? We just got here. You haven't even seen the sonogram yet."

"I guess I can be a few minutes late. Let's see it." I held my face in my best fake smile as they showed me the sonogram, and shared all their baby news.

"Okay, now I really have to go. Work and deadlines own my life." I lied, my resolve slipping as I finally made my exit.

"Yeah, don't want to be late. We'll catch up again later. Bye."

"Bye." I barely made it out the café doors before my tears finally broke free. Taking one last peek through the café windows before leaving, I saw how truly happy he was now; how happy he was with her. They were so lost to the world around them, only focusing on each other and now the new life growing inside Bella.

I needed to be happy, he had found someone that made him happy, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Not yet at least. They say time heals all wounds, but even time wasn't healing this one. It probably never would.

The snow had started coming down hard as I made my way back home. I should have been frozen, but as lost in my memories as I was, I didn't even feel it. Slipping off my coat as I stepped inside my empty house, I was hit by yet another memory of Edward. It was one I'd never forget, and yet it hurt every time I remembered it.

It was of the two of us one of the last times we were together. I had been working all day in the kitchen making Christmas dinner for us when I felt his arms wrap around me, the smell of his cologne teasing my nose. His lips grazed my cheek before he spoke.

"So, I finally got all the lights up around the house. I still think you're over doing it though, Babe."

"No, I'm not. This is our first Christmas together. I want it to be a special one."

"Stop worrying. It will be. You know why?" I shook my head no as he continued. "Because I'm spending it with you. And...I...Love...you." He punctuated each of his words with a kiss on my lips.

"I love you, too. But I still want it to be special for us."

"My little perfectionist. I'm gonna go finish the tree. It smells good in here by the way. I'm so hungry."

I couldn't stay in the memory any longer. I remembered all too well how that night had ended, waking up warm in his arms to a beautiful, cold, and white landscape outside. How much in love we had been then. How had it all gone so wrong?

How did it go from being me and him, to him and her? And all in just the blink of an eye. If I really thought about it, I knew the answer to my question. It wasn't that I wasn't what he wanted, it was that I was what he couldn't have.

I was his secret, the little piece of him no one knew about...hislie. And when it was all said and done, he had picked her. He could broadcast her to everyone. No one would ever look at him funny for being with her, no one cared as they would have with me.

I had spent all my time the last few months head first in work, trying not to think about Edward and his news. I was also avoiding all the places I knew they would be. That was how I ended up on a small bench on the other side of Central Park, yet again lost in my memories.

A tap on my shoulder brought me back to reality. I turned around to see who it was only to come face to face with Edward.

"Hey."

"Hey, yourself."

"How have you been? I haven't heard from you since the day at the café."

"Yeah, sorry about that. Life's been really kicking my ass lately."

"I know how that goes." I let myself wonder for a brief second if I should tell him how I felt all those years ago. Not that it would change anything, but just to get it off my chest, let him finally know. I let myself get lost in his eyes as I searched for the right words.

"So..." I rocked back on my heels. Being this close to him again, just the two of us like this, I was nervous.

"So?"

"How's Bella doing?"

"She's good, really good. Morning sickness is starting to pass. I can feel the baby moving now."

"That's great. I'm so happy for you guys."

"Thanks. Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. We're having a boy!"

"You always wanted a son someday."

"Yeah." His eyes left my face for a moment, looking down towards his hands. The same memory no doubt crossing over him as it had been me.

We both began speaking again at the same time. "I'm sorry."

"Sorry. You go first, Edward." Nodding his head, he continued.

"You know I'm sorry it ended up like this. I didn't want my choice to hurt you."

"And how was you choosing someone else not going to hurt me?"

"I thought you would understand why I had to, why it had to be that way."

"Understanding it doesn't make it not hurt any less."

"I know, and I'm sorry."

"Are you happy?"

"What do you mean?"

"Are you happy with Bella? Did you make the right choice?" I wasn't even trying to hold back the tears as I looked into his eyes, waiting for his answer.

"I think I did. I'm happy. She makes me happy."

"Good."

"Hey, wait a minute. Why are you sorry? What do you have to be sorry about?"

"Lots of things."

"Like?"

"Falling in love with you for one."

"Oh."

"I loved you so much, Edward. So very much. But that wasn't enough I guess because you couldn't love me back the same way. You weren't willing to overlook what people might say to be with me."

"I-.."

"No. Let me finish. I've waited six years to tell you this."

"Sorry. Continue."

"And then one day you just decided it was time to grow up and stop living in a world you didn't think was real, but you forgot to consider if it was real to me. Because it was real to me, Edward. All of it."

"I don't know what to say."

"There's nothing you can say, Edward. Not anymore. You had your chance. You could have lived the life you have with her...with me, but you couldn't and wouldn't do it... Does Bella know?"

"Know what?" He searched my face. He looked so ashamed of himself...so guilty. For a moment, a part of me was happy to see him so distraught over everything I told him, to see he was finally understanding what his choice had done to me.

"Does Bella know about me...us, I mean. Does she know about any of it?"

"No, no she doesn't know. I haven't told her. It's not that I don't want to-."

"It just never seemed like the right time." I interrupted him.

"Yeah, I guess so. You know how it goes when you're with someone new, you're too busy getting to know each other. Past relationships don't always come up."

"Don't you mean they don't come up for you?"

"That's not what I meant at all, you know that."

"I do?"

"Don't do this."

"You hurt me, Edward."

"And I've told you how sorry I am for that, but what was I supposed to do?"

"Heh, really? What were you supposed to do? You're really going to ask me that?"

"Yeah, I am. What would you have done?"

"What would I have done? I would have told anyone who thought you and I were wrong to fuck off; that would include my family and friends. If they loved me enough, it wouldn't matter who I loved. They'd want me to be happy. And I would have tried my damnedest to let you know, everyday, how very much you weren't just some dirty little secret to me. I would have come through on every promise I made to you. I would have picked you. That's what I would have done."

"You know I couldn't do that."

"No, I know you didn't want to risk the comfy little lifestyle you have to be with me. I know you picked Bella to make everyone else proud. That's what I know, Edward."

Edward ran his hands over his face and let out a sigh before speaking.

"Look, you and I are just running around in circles here. We're saying the same damn thing over and over. What do you want to happen? It's way too late now to change anything. I've told you how sorry I am...for everything."

"Just answer me one thing, please."

"Anything."

"If you had it to do all over again...your time with me, would you still have done it, or do you regret it...me...us?"

"I don't regret any of it with you. I never could. If I had it to do all over again, would I? Is that what you wanted to know?" I nodded, waiting for him to finish. "I would do it again in a heartbeat, Jasper. All of it. And if I had it to do again, I would have tried harder."

"Thank you." I let his arms wrap me up in a tight hug. It was everything I needed, everything that words could never say. I let my tears fall freely onto his shoulder as we stood there, for a moment at least, just being us again. All our evil words and thrown out accusations forgotten and forgiven for the time being.

We would never be the same, never be us again. But now that we had finally said everything we had left for so long unsaid, maybe I could finally start to heal, to be happy...moveon.

I released him from our hug, kissed his cheek and then watched him walk away...back to his comfortable life and back to Bella.

"Words I Couldn't Say"

In a book- in a box- in the closet
In a line- in a song I once heard
In a moment on a front porch late one June
In a breath inside a whisper beneath the moon

There it was at the tip of my fingers
There it was on the tip of my tongue
There you were and I had never been that far
There it was the whole world wrapped inside my arms
And I let it all slip away

What do I do now that you're gone
No back up plan no second chance
And no one else to blame
All I can hear in the silence that remains
Are the words I couldn't say

There's a rain that will never stop fallin
There's a wall that I tried to take down
What I should have said just wouldn't pass my lips
So I held back and now we've come to this
And it too late now

What do I do now that your gone
No back up plan no second chance
And no one else to blame
All I can hear in the silence that remains
Are the words I couldn't say

What do I do now that your gone
No back up plan no second chance
And no one else to blame
All I can hear in the silence that remains
Are the words I couldn't say

A/N:

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