I feel so bad for not writing a Fullmetal Alchemist story for so long...I feel like a neglectful parent!

I came up with this idea while glancing through my Fullmetal manga collection. It made me think...why does Ed refuse to drink milk?


"What the hell is this?" Edward glared at the glass filled with his least favourite cloudy beverage that was set before him as he tried to study a new case file.

"What does it look like?" Breda responded as Havoc stifled a laugh. "It's milk."

"I know what it is, Breda..." Edward replied, narrowing his eyes at the other military personnel in the room. "What I want to know is why you gave this to me, knowing there is no way in hell I'm gonna drink it?"

"Edward Elric!" Armstrong's booming voice echoed as he entered the office. "You need to cease this stubbornness! Your body is lacking in sufficient nutrients!"

"Are you calling me small!" Ed bristled. He hated the way the other officers always teased him about his height – or lack thereof.

"If the baby shoes fit..." Havoc muttered, making Fuery and a usually composed Falman snicker.

This pissed Ed off. "Who're you calling a runt so tiny he can only be seen with a magnifying glass?" The volatile blond began to flail in a rage, infuriated with his co-workers for constantly mocking his lack of vertical stature. "I've had it with you bastards! I'm gonna send you all on a one-way trip to SPACE!" Just as Ed was about to clap his hands to perform alchemy, Armstrong held him in a tight grip.

"Good reflexes, Major!" Praised Havoc. "Hold the pipsqueak there while I pour the milk down his throat."

"Who're you callin' a pipsqueak?" Ed vexed. "I swear, Havoc, I'm gonna get you back! I'll break your legs and put them on your head!"

While Ed thrashed about in Armstrong's immobilizing grip, Havoc proceeded to pour the milk into Ed's mouth. Predicting that the young blond might spit the milk in his face, Havoc lifted his chin upward, forcing Ed to swallow the beverage. Now assured that the milk was swallowed, Armstrong released Ed to the floor; the poor blond collapsed to the ground, coughing and wheezing for air.

Hearing the wild commotion in the office, Roy decided to leave his private office to investigate the boisterousness of his subordinates. "What is going on here?" He questioned. "This is a place of business, not a circus." He turned his head to see Ed gasping for air and looking sick. "What the hell happened to Fullmetal?" To say that Roy was irate would be an understatement.

Roy's subordinates looked at each other before Falman decided to respond. "Sir," he gave a quick salute. "Major Armstrong and Second Lieutenant Havoc performed some unsavoury methods to get Major Elric to intake some milk for added nutrients that is obviously lacking in his diet."

"You did what?" Roy quickly moved to Ed's side, checking him carefully. He turned a murderous eye to the group in the room as he picked up the little blond. "Ed's lactose intolerant, you dumbasses! You could have killed him!" Ed began to whimper in pain, feeling discomfort as he squirmed in Roy's arms. "You can expect reproach when I get back from taking Ed to the hospital." Roy threatened as he carried Ed out of the office. "You better hope nothing dire happens to the kid."

Everyone flinched. "We are in so much shit..." Havoc muttered.

Figures that the "father figure" would know that "his child" would be lactose intolerant...

Dang, I just realised that it's been almost a year since I last wrote a Fullmetal Alchemist story. Where's my head at? I need to start writing some new stuff and get my (written) creative juices going again.

So, how was this little crack fic? Constructive criticisms and reviews are much appreciated.