Author's Note: I've decided to reupload this to my *new(ish)* account here, because even though I'm the one who removed it from my OLD account, I know that a lot of people have been wondering where it went and have trouble finding it on livejournal's DRRR!kinkmeme. This should make it easier, so I figure why not? Uploading is fun, right!
So, before you start a shit storm and tell me "YOU DIDN'T WRITE THIS!" Shut up. Yes, I did.
A huge part of why I'd taken it down before was due to some pretty nasty trolling on a pretty vast majority of my fics, but I think by removing stories like that to AVOID trolling is the wrong answer to these problems. I've learned how to better accept my trolls because, hey, I don't really like this fic myself, but if you're getting a good, hearty laugh out of it, well, then at least I've given you a reason to smile today. And that makes me happy. I like seeing people happy, especially when they're so miserable and deprave that they have to go harass people they don't know to feel some sense of pleasure.
So please, take in this story how ever you'd like. As long as you're enjoying it your opinion is your own and mine is mine.
Looking back on this story, I wrote it before Hachimenroppi became an alternate that people really paid attention to. Now, I kind of feel like this is a story based on assumptions that this "side" of Izaya has more control than the others. While some people see the alts as individual characters, many others see them as segments of Shizuo and Izaya's personality. I almost feel like Love Blind Eyes is a TsugaruxRoppi fic, and I don't even ship the pairing. Lol
Oh well. I did my best and the results have paid off quite nicely.
So thank you. ALL of you, who have taken the time to read this fic and share your thoughts.
I'll be updating it once a day just in case of new readers. I don't want to overwhelm them with 33 2500+ word chapters.
There comes a point in every person's life when they find themselves feeling completely hopeless, right? So what makes me so special? What makes me so different? I might act like one cocky, arrogant, proud fuck, but I know the truth. I know that I am nothing of the sort.
As a matter of fact, I'm alone. I have always been alone. And nobody in this world is coming to save me. For all the mayhem I've spread… the lives I've destroyed… the hearts I've broken… Shit. I don't deserve sympathy. I don't deserve love. I know that. Everyone knows that.
Rain has a funny way of washing through human emotions in the same pattern that it washes through dirty streets. When all is said and done, the same grime still lingers, yet some how, things still feel… different. Like something has been removed from the scene. And this something, it mattered once; yet it matters no longer because the rainwater doesn't have a sense of direction. Therefore, there is no path to follow… no trail to lead you back to what you've lost.
Recently, I've experienced the power of this sort of "cleansing."
So I've failed to see the point of life altogether. I don't know what it means to be alive; nor do I respect the time I've been given. These things that once mattered… they don't mean a thing… You don't mean a thing to me anymore.
Tonight, I'm getting lost. Tonight, I'm saying goodbye. Goodbye to Ikebukuro. Goodbye to Tokyo. Goodbye to Japan. Goodbye, Planet Earth.
I'll see you in hell.
With my remaining love,
Intense nausea tore through my body on a rampage, summoning me from violent dreams. Coughing, I began to choke on the upset rumble coming from my stomach as it raced up my throat, gagging me without relent. I rolled over, consequently falling from the bed; on to the hard floor, and began to heave immediately. There was nothing in my stomach. I could feel the emptiness as it tightened, writhing wildly. Unable to remember my last me, I probably hadn't eaten in days, yet the dry heaves could not subside for the life of me.
Just what, exactly, had happened?
My mind flashed back and forth between images of pill bottles and hard liquor. Smoke and neon bar lights. The violently fast pace at which they struck me tore me down, making my stomach feel worse. I could still taste the chemicals.
"Izaya-kun?" a voice was just short of a screech, as a particular spazz in a white coat burst through the door.
Struck by panic, Kishitani Shinra - a long time friend, and possibly the most annoying doctor ever - found me on the floor. Still choking; desperate for air in my constricting lungs.
"Hey! Hey!" he placed a hand on my back, rubbing away the nausea just enough to slow the attempted purging. "Easy now. Do you know where you are?"
"Hell," I coughed, now beginning to shiver. My throat was on fire from neglect. I knew better than to be sarcastic; however, I already knew where I was. The question that remained was, "How did I get here?"
Pulling the blanket down from the bed, I was surprised to see Shinra actually acting like a real doctor, and not an overly-obsessed-with-the-unnatural nerd. He frowned. "You need to get back in bed. You are extremely ill."
"Can you stand?"
Deeply inhaling, I grabbed Shinra's outstretched hand, stumbling as he pulled me up. I closed my eyes, feeling that dizzying wave of nausea try to break through again. I did as told, desperate to get off my feet as my knees began to quiver. Arguing seemed pointless. I was too weak… too exhausted… to do anything.
"I'm supposed to be dead," I told him, deciding on honesty. "I wanted to be dead. I want to be dead."
"I know… and that's why you're here. Simon found you," the doctor answered my original question.
Shinra reattached the IV to my arm, wiping away a stream of blood. I had to have torn it out when I fell… "Yeah. He found you on a fire escape a few blocks down from Russian Sushi. And he handed me the note in your pocket when he got you here. What were you thinking, Izaya-kun? Suicide? That isn't like you."
I shut my eyes, sighing for a lack of anything real to say. How could he ever understand the anvil weighing down my heart. Despite her lack of a real human head, Shinra had love from a beautiful woman. Shinra had respect from his friends. Shinra was polite and friendly. He was not vindictive. He had never tried to instill fear in his peers. He, in every way possible, was my opposite. So how could he ever comprehend the pain which guided my empty life into darkness?
Quite honestly, suicide was exactly like me.
All of those times I spent chatting with those groups… that girl… all of it… Yes. I was manipulative. Yes. I was misleading. But somewhere among it all, we were all after the same thing. Admitting it was made easy, too. It was not a game… it was real… Envious by their determination to die, I was only held back from the pure lack of courage, because it's like I've been told. I am afraid. And I am pathetic. And I am some kind of blood sucking parasite.
I only cause suffering.
I am a curse.
And it isn't fun anymore.
"I would never expect you to understand…" I whispered.
"Tell me. I swear to do my best."
There was no way. No way in hell.
"Izaya… You still… You wish it had gone through… don't you?"
Opening my tired eyes, I averted my gaze to the window, watching the damn rain fall. The weight of the situation fully settled. My mind wandered back to my note. I couldn't bring myself to answer his question, consequently, responding with the truth despite my chosen path of silence.
Yes, Shinra. I wished it had. I wished… and I wondered… and I planned.
I could feel his frowning eyes burning a hole in the back of my head. Part of me hoped that it would burn a fresh hole into my brain and off me for good. Part of me wondered what method of death I would take a swing at next.
And those thoughts? They made me sick. Wanting them to become reality made me want to vomit.
The chime of Shinra's doorbell echoed throughout the large apartment, forcing my attention back to underground doctor.
"Don't worry," he tried to assure me. "I'll close the door."
"I know I'm not in the best condition of my life," I breathed, "but are you sure that leaving me alone, awake, and unseen is a good idea?"
Damn my honesty.
Shinra pushed his glasses back up the bridge of his nose. "Huh… I suppose you're right…"
"Just leave it open…"
The doctor gave a small nod before turning on his heel and exiting the makeshift hospital room. I hated the legitimate feel to the place. It was exactly like the real thing… only much smaller and lacking in that stale scent of death.
To take my mind off of the discomfort, I decided to focus on other things. Shinra's conversation with his guest was the easiest to wrap my concentration around. "Oh! Shizuo!"
"What brings you here?" Shinra asked, closing the door behind him. And while I couldn't get a visual from this bedroom down the hall, I could perfectly imagine the scene just by the tone of the voices involved.
Seriously, it couldn't matter less to me why that brute had shown up here, of all days, to see Shinra. Not that the reasons mattered… I was going to listen anyway, all the while, praying to a nonexistent God that I'd go undiscovered.
"I'm here to give Celty her cut of a job," Shizuo explained, probably handing the doctor and envelope filled with cash. "Huh…"
"Is something the matter, Shizuo-kun?"
He was shaking his head. I knew hew was. I could just picture it. "Are you alone here?"
"Pretty much," the doctor laughed, so obviously nervous, "Celty stepped out to run some errands for me. Did you need to see her?"
"No… I'll see her tonight I'm sure. But if you could give her the mon- Are you sure you're alone here?"
And this was the point where Shinra was nervously scratching his head in between pushing up his glasses - a pattern which always gave him away immediately. "What makes you think I'm not?"
Shinra. You idiot.
"Tch. It's just that I haven't seen that piece of shit, Izaya -" Ouch. "-in a week or two. "And I'm starting to worry that he's planning some sort of attack on me."
"Attack? Shizuo, that's nonsense." (Shinra fails at creating a cover, in case you didn't know).
"Would you really put it past him to try?" Shizuo growled.
"Well I can't say that I would -" And yeah. Those words stung. "- but I'm positive that scheming against the city is the last thing on his mind."
Well, at least I get some defense.
"And why is that?"
"I just feel… well… like… It seems - well…"
"W-wait a minute. He's here. Isn't he?"
"Here?" Shinra echoed.
"That's why you're acting so fucking weird, isn't it?"
"Isn't it, Shinra?"
"Listen, Shizuo! Let me explain!"
"Explain what? Where is he? I'm gonna kill him!"
At the sound of Shizuo's voice escalating into a low roar, my heart fell through my stomach. If I hadn't wanted to end my own life before, I did now. Closing my eyes, I braced for impact as the sound of Heiwajima Shizuo's footsteps drew nearer. Of all the people in the world, he was number one on my current list of people who I did not want to see.
"Shizuo!" Shinra chased after the stalwart man, sounding terrified of what was surely going to happen.
I was completely vulnerable. I was weak. I was half dead. I was a perfect target. For Shizuo, the opportunity couldn't be more perfect. For me, well… I guess I hoped he'd end it quickly. After all, I was denied from death once. Maybe it would grant me some mercy. Maybe I'd finally get to die…
"Izaya-kun!" the low growl of my name sent chills down my spine.
Collecting just enough courage, I glanced up at the door, to find him standing there, in its frame. The anger in his voice suddenly felt mismatched from the incredulous look on his sharp face. Cautiously, as if walking into a trap, he took a single step forward.
"Izaya-kun…?" And this time he was much more somber.
My heart was ready to explode.
I wanted to believe that I could be anyone.
But only when I'm not alone.
And obviously, there's no danger in having hope.
Having hope in anyone but me.
But I know that I'm to blame,
Cause I've never been anyone else.