A/N: Okay, essentially, this is a random drabble in Bella's POV during New Moon. To be honest, I never thought I'd write anything in Bella's POV, since the books are almost entirely in her POV (except for Jacob's section in Breaking Dawn,) but somehow this happened. Just some emotional, angsty stuff. Yes, it's melodramatic; yes, it's Bella, again; yes, it's random and won't be continued – but I enjoyed writing it.
Oddly enough, I was writing this as a rough draft on my iPod's notepad app. (It's been substantially edited now!) I had to e-mail the original draft to myself and move it to Microsoft Word in order to upload it at all, however. And the really funny thing? Right as I typed "I'm alone in a room with the lights off and my iPod dead," the iPod died. I completed the one-shot the next day after it had recharged!
Please review. Please.
But no flames. I have no time for such nonsense. Not to mention, if you flame me, you'll be having a very long and serious talk with this website's administrators.
Now, on to the FanFic…
Chasing nightmares in a lonely wood
Let me hear your voice again
This passion is so misunderstood
I follow you by choice, my friend
My love, my love, you did not use me
You did not hurt me
You have not bound me
Sweet love, my love, what is this cruelty?
You have not left me
But the emptiness found me
Press your lips to mine
Hold me close to you
It's like I've died inside
It's colder without you
What is love?
What is love?
If it's not you?
What is love?
What is love?
Dark. Dark with flashes of green and blue.
The flashes remind me I'm alive.
I cling to the pain. It tells me I'm not dead, but here. I'm here. Here in an eternal forest, looking for him. I search, I run; I tear these hideous growths, these tangled, bewitched branches from these cursed trees, pursuing him. I call his name. My voice is gone, and makes no sound. I look around for help, desperate, pleading – but then the forest is gone.
Abruptly I know, swiftly and clearly, as if an invisible veil has been lifted, and I wonder how I didn't know before.
He's not here.
As I acknowledge this I feel something, and my heart begins to pound, because I rarely feel anything now. The forest is wrong when I can't wonder what he's hunting out there. The sun is wrong when it doesn't fall on his perfect face. My room is wrong when I realize that I should close the window, because he won't be coming tonight, and I'm alone in the oppressive quiet trying not to cry.
I've learned not to feel, because nothing feels the same. But this I feel, like a fire in my blood, like a blow to the chest, like someone is ripping me apart from the inside.
He left me.
He's not coming back.
How am I still alive? Forks is wrong. The universe is wrong. This mortal life is wrong without the immortal beside me.
Why can't I move? Why can't I breathe?
The silent expanse of the forest laughs at me.
I'm... drifting. Hollow. Without his smooth voice to soothe my racing heart, without his golden eyes to hold my gaze from the darkness, without his marble arms to hold me safely against the sculpted planes of his marble chest.
Somehow, somewhere, screaming...
I hear the screaming, a faint echo of my voice. I have not heard it in so long…
Stay with me, dear agony, do not leave me feeling-less, cold and numb, cold and alone… Let me search for him, in vain if I must, but let me search. I cannot forget.
I remember. I can at least remember. Every time I close my eyes, each time I blink, I remember how it felt to hold forever in my hands.
I need, I feed, on this pain... The only thing I still feel.
He left me! He left me, alone, without him, forever.
I need this pain. It is searing, familial pang, pangs of pain that flare in a crescent-moon scar on my wrist that the hunter made. But he healed me. That boy, that foolish vampire boy, that viciously haunting, immortal brilliance of a boy... he healed me.
But then he left me.
He went away, but when I listen to the throbbing cadence of the pain, when I watch the perpetual rain of spring and summer and autumn and winter fall like tears of a weeping, broken angel in the sky, it's safe, and I remember the pain of that scar, and I remember how it felt to wake up in a sterile white hospital bed with an icy white hand holding mine.
I remember how it felt to have the hunter's mouth break my skin.
But then his mouth... His beautiful lips on mine, a simple, passionate promise that blinded me like his diamond-skim in the sunlight.
And his kiss promised forever.
"Forever," I echo now, but the atmosphere swallows the words, and I'm alone in a room with the lights off and my iPod dead and my books and homework lying untouched in a pile on the floor.
He's gone. He left me. Here. Alone.
And then warm, human, shaky hands. Charlie's hands. Charlie's sleepy voice.
"Shh, Bells, Shh..."
And I almost cry, "Edward, it's you..." But I know it's only Charlie, and my trance is broken. The beautiful agony fails me, and some shattered, lost, faithless part of me is glad of it. The other part begs to chase the mist of fantasies that have already vaporized into memory.
I need -
I must feel him.
I must feel something but the pain. But it is all I have... A gaping hole of bleeding desire.
My love, my love, come back. I loved you. I still love you. Forever.
There is a replacement for the pain here, a flash of light, a rush of heat, of life and warmth and hope in my veins. Because now you are here. And the anguish is -
I have no need of it when I'm with you.
My sun. My warm sun. Jacob, my Jacob, he made me forget you... He made me forget everything. Hold me, Jacob. Hold me together. Keep me; let me stay here, away from myself. Away from him.