A/N: Not that anyone cares, but I'm back with a random oneshot about something or other. I hope it entertains.
Warnings: Cussing, crude humor, NaruHina, SasuSaku, and assume that Shika is high as a kite while everything is going down.
Disclaimer: I have no legal claim to any of the characters from Naruto. I do, however, rent Sasuke every Friday night...but that's technically not legal either. In my state anyway. Giggity.
Naruto lied on his bed. An empty pizza box sat on the floor beside him, and a beer can was balanced on his chest while he watched his DVDs of My So-Called Life on mute and with subtitles…"Oh my Kami, You're so fucking huuuuuuge!"...Because meanwhile, his roommate, Sasuke, was fucking some loud chick's brains out.
Oh my God, shut up!
"Shut up!" Sasuke yelled immediately after Naruto thought it. Hmm that was cool…maybe if I try thinking about telling the girl to leave Sasuke'll actually tell her to leave…Red headed chick, leave! But no such luck. The fiery red head stayed and babbled on until about 5 minutes into the next episode.
"That was amazing," the girl said after putting on her clothes, "Let's do it again sometime."
Sasuke opened the door for her, "Let's not." He tried his best to politely push her out of the door.
"I'll call you!" Still in a daze, she obviously didn't hear him.
"I'm sure you will." He finally managed to get her on the other side of the threshold so he could slam the door shut.
"Okay, bye now…Toodaloo!" Both boys breathed a sigh of relief when they heard the sound of her fading footsteps.
"Hn." Sasuke turned and walked over to where Naruto lie, "Your side of the room smells like ass."
Naruto turned the volume back up on the TV, "Thanks for the update," he waited for his black haired buddy to get the hell out of his space, but once again no such luck, "Is there something you want, teme?"
"Hn." Naruto decided to take that as a no.
"Then could you please get out of my face?"
Sasuke raised an eyebrow, "What's wrong with you?"
Naruto looked up at Sasuke as if he'd just asked what one plus one was, "Hinata broke up with me!"
"Yesterday! I told you like an hour after it happened!"
Sasuke scratched his head, "Hn. I don't remember." The Uchiha dropped onto his bed.
"Why would you? You're a cold hearted bastard."
"If I cared enough to be hurt, I would be, I assure you." Sasuke replied before turning to face the wall and pulling himself under the covers.
Naruto took another sip of beer out of the can he'd managed to keep perfectly level on his chest for about half an hour now. Damn, I got skills…Maybe I was a ninja in a past life. His pride only lasted a few seconds before he became incalculably disappointed with himself for being so proud so doing something so stupid. So incalculably disappointed in fact he continued to watch My So-Called Life until about eight o'clock the next morning.
"Can you be anymore pathetic?" He heard Sasuke yawn from his bed, "Give me the remote."
"Don't you have class or something?" The blonde replied while oh, so stealthily slipping the remote under his pillow. Fucking. Ninja. Stealth.
"I never go to class."
"Yeah right, and I guess you just show up on exam day, ace the thing and fly through school," Naruto laughed for a quick couple seconds before noticing Sasuke's dead serious expression, "Wait, really?"
"Yeah." The protégé in the room answered, "We've been roommates since freshmen year haven't you noticed I don't leave in the morning?"
"I assumed you had all afternoon classes!"
"I have no school books."
"You m—I thought that was because…well you could've been—and the…" Naruto observed a black eyebrow rise on his roommate's smug face, "I hate you so much for so many reasons."
"Hn." Sasuke stood up and grabbed a water bottle from the mini-fridge. It was weird that they've been able to room together so well for so long. First off, Sasuke tended to be a bit of a closed off asshole/bastard hybrid type thing, and he was Naruto's polar opposite. Sure Naruto had those periods, such as now, when he was a bit down, and Sasuke had the occasional psychobilly freakout, but 95% of the time they stayed within their little character profiles. Who would think putting Naruto Uzumaki, the loud, warm, hyper dude and Sasuke Uchiha the quiet, cold, chill genius in the same living space would ever work?
Whatever it was they had working for them it had been working since sophomore year of high school. It took all of freshmen year of high school for them to get past the whole polar opposites thing and forge some kind of friendship there. Truthfully, as roommates they function pretty damn well even though Naruto was a beer and ramen guy while Sasuke was a water and tomatoes guy.
"Why did Hinata even break up with you? She was obsessed with you since freshmen orientation."
"She thinks I cheated on her."
"No way! Of course not! I love her!"
"Why does she think you did?"
Naruto grimaced, "I don't wanna go into details."
"Whatever," Sasuke said with a shrug and a yawn before looking back to the TV, "Seriously, why are we watching this?"
"It was Hinata's favorite show."
Naruto didn't need to look to know Sasuke was face palming. He knew him well enough…plus the earsplitting slapping sound made by palm on face clued him in too. "That's it."
"Get up, dobe," Sasuke started to change into some clean clothes, "Odds are Shikamaru's getting stoned right now."
"I don't feel like it…I just wanna watch Jordan and Angela…"
In a second Naruto felt his back slam onto the floor and found himself looking up at a visibly irritated Sasuke. "What the fuck was that for?"
"Acting like such a loser."
"You know what, Sasuke, just because I care enough to be hurt it doesn't make me a loser!"
"No, but the teddy bear you've been petting under the sheets does."
Naruto hugged the bear tighter, his face growing red, "Hinata gave it to me for our one year anniversary!...And look! If you press the paw it sings My Heart Will Go On!"
Sasuke pressed on the bridge of his nose, "Oh my God, I have so many violent thoughts directed at you right now…"
"Why can't you just fuck off, huh? Why do you care so much?"
"Because if I have to hear Angela Chase talk about how fucking sexy Jordan Catalano is one more time, I might have to kick a puppy."
"You know with all that free time you have from not going to class, you should see a therapist or something." Naruto gestured toward Sasuke's entire form, "There's a lot of nastiness going on here."
Sasuke was not amused, "Let's go get stoned so I can forget that I want to kill you."
"Sasuke, you can't force me to get high."
"Okay, that wasn't a challenge, that was me trying to tell you I'll take a rain check."
Sasuke's face tensed and he stared at his blonde friend for many dragged out seconds before saying with a sigh, "Fine." He grabbed his coat and began to head for the door.
"Where you going?"
"To kick a puppy."
One Week Later
Naruto was spending yet another afternoon watching My So-Called Life in his bed with his teddy bear and now six empty and one half empty box of pizza at his side.
"Itachi…get back here…I'm gonna make you my bitch…bitch…" And Sasuke was taking yet another glorious nap across from him.
Naruto put up the volume to drown out his roommate's sleep talking. Ten minutes later, his hand was in his pants and the teddy bear wasn't the only toy he was playing with…Okay, no! I have not sunken this low. I'm masturbating in broad daylight to a 90s teen sitcom for Christ's sake! The blonde jumped out of bed and changed out of the clothes he'd been wearing for the past seven days into garments respectable enough to actually be seen in. He shut off the TV with passion.
He tip toed over to Sasuke's bed, "Sasuke…"
"You suck, Itachi…suck," the raven haired boy was still sleep talking.
"Hey, Sasuke." Naruto nudged him.
"fucking suck my dick…asshole…"
Naruto hit him on the shoulder, "Sasuke, wake up!"
The Uchiha woke up from his dream like he'd just gotten the electric pads. At first his eyes were wide and confused, but as soon as he caught sight of a guilty looking Naruto standing above him his facial features contorted with ferocity. "Why the hell did you wake me up?"
"Um…you were having a nightmare," Naruto almost asked his lie of an answer.
Sasuke slapped his roommate's hand off of his shoulder, "No, I wasn't. I was having sex in that dream."
Naruto furrowed his eyebrows, "But…you were saying Itachi."
Sasuke punched Naruto in the gut, "What the hell do you want?"
"Well, I thought I'd take you up on that offer to hang out." Naruto replied as he rubbed his bruising belly.
"You know, a week ago you were all like 'let's get stoned,'" Naruto did his best Sasuke impersonation, "but I was all like 'I'll take a rain check.' Well, rain checked!"
"Oh, come on. I won't watch My So-Called Life for at least another six months."
"Still no." He pulled the sheets over his head, "When I offered, I was feeling nice. Don't expect it to happen again."
"How about we just see a movie or something? Catch a matinee, just you and me!"
Sasuke groaned turning away from the bright blue eyes of his roommate, "No, people'll think we're on a date, and I intend to get laid tonight."
"Well, as long as you can keep yourself from nuzzling against my neck I think we should be fine."
"Get away from me, Naruto."
Naruto started jumping on Sasuke's bed, "Come on, it'll be fun! You can pick the movie and I'll pay for the tickets and concessions."
"No." He buried his head under his pillow trying to ignore the bouncing blonde.
"There's that new theater that's playing all the Harry Potter movies if you wanna check it out…" Like I know you do…
There was a long pause before a curt, "Fine." Courtesy of Sasuke.
"YUS!" Naruto hopped off the bed.
"Any one but the fifth one." Sasuke said as he began to ready himself, "Harry's angst annoys the shit out of me." Naruto snickered at that comment.
"What?" The Uchiha turned his dark glare onto the Uzumaki.
"Oh, nothing," Naruto made a dismissive motion, "I was just thinking about the beauty of irony."
"Whatever," was all he said and then Sasuke paid him no more attention until they got to the theater.
Naruto walked up to the man behind the window, "Two for the Deathly Hallows part two, please." He handed him eighteen dollars. The guy made change and handed him nine dollars back, "Aren't tickets nine dollars each?"
"Couples night." The employee stated, "Buy one your partner gets in free."
His eyes went from Naruto to Sasuke who was shooting a death glare at Naruto, but held his tongue. "Okay, let's go." Naruto murmured then said once they were inside the lobby, "What do you want?"
"Popcorn and water," he answered, "I'll go get seats."
"Sounds good to me." Naruto mentally fist pumped for how cheap concession for Sasuke were. Surely, if it was Sasuke paying for Naruto's concessions the snacks would be flying off the counters.
Half a large bucket of popcorn and a dragon busting through a bank later and Sasuke sharply turned to Naruto saying, "Skittles."
And the random word of the day goes to...Naruto thought before saying, "Huh?"
"I want Skittles."
"That's too bad." Naruto turned his attention back to the screen, but Sasuke's eyes stayed plastered on him, effectively drilling a message into his mind, "I'll buy you a shit load of Skittles at CVS later."
"Skittles now." How Sasuke managed to sound so serious and completely mature while asking for candy Naruto will never know.
"Seriously? I thought you didn't even like sweets and you actually expect me to go get to Skittles in the middle of the movie?"
Sasuke remained silent. Of course he would…He need not answer.
"Okay, fine, but I'm only giving in because I dragged you here during your nap time." And with that the blonde headed for the concession stand. Sasuke was cheap, but high maintenance. Luckily, the line was only a few people long when he got there so it looked like Sasuke would get his Skittles with no bloodshed. Of course that was until…
He spun around in response to his name, and damn near had his gum fall out when his jaw dropped at the sight of his ex-girlfriend, Hinata, and their mutual friend, Sakura.
"Oh, wow…" was all he managed to get out.
Sakura looked back and forth between the pair's intense staring match before walking over to Naruto, "Hey, what's up, Naruto? I haven't seen you around lately."
"Yeah, I've been…busy."
Sakura stood on her tippy toes directly in front of him to try to block the line of sight drawn between the two exes, "Well, how've you been?"
"Spectacular," he gently pushed her aside and chased after the already retreating Hyuuga, "Hinata, I've gotta talk to you."
"I-I've got nothing to say to you, Naruto." No matter how hard she tried to sound tough, her words always seemed to come out only half sure of themselves, "Just go back to your movie."
"Hinata, wait, you shouldn't walk out."
"Why shouldn't I?" She pushed his arms away.
"Because the sign says once you walk out you've got to buy another ticket to re-enter."
Her face contorted. She was obviously seriously conflicted here. "I'll just—I have…Shit!"
"I know it sucks, but come on, can we talk?"
"Are you here on a date with the girl you cheated on me with?"
Naruto shook his head viciously, "No, no, no! I'm actually here with…"
"Where the fuck are my Skittles?"
Hinata gazed wide eyed at the tall raven haired boy behind her ex-boyfriend and soon his black eyes caught her white ones. Sasuke mumbled as he walked away, "Hn. Whatever."
The moment the Uchiha was outside of earshot, the tiny Hyuuga turned her attention back to telling off Naruto as best she could.
"Dear Kami, it's that Sasuke Uchiha," Sakura feigned a gasp as he passed by her to get to the concessions counter.
Sasuke reached into his pocket and said, "Two bags of Skittles, please," placing the exact money due onto the counter.
"Oh, don't pretend you can't hear me, Sassy."
He impatiently tapped his fingers on the edge of the counter as the employee apologized for needing to go to the storage room to restock on the Skittles.
"Helloooooo?" Sakura rested her elbow on the counter right next to Sasuke, "You wanna answer me here?"
Sasuke's fists clenched.
"You can't ignore me forever."
Sakura shrugged, "Just to you, but that's because you're so easy to mess with."
Sasuke decided to take the high road and be quiet, hoping that maybe she'd just go away.
"We haven't seen each other since graduation and you expect me to believe you've got nothing to say to me?"
Sasuke slammed his hand on the counter and shouted toward the door the cashier had disappeared into several minutes before, "How long does it take to get goddamn Skittles?"
"Careful you'll pop a blood vessel."
He quickly regained his composure and began tapping on the counter once more, "Hn."
Sakura smiled and shook her head, "Still got those anger issues, huh?"
"I don't have issues with anger," he spat out quickly and defensively. His head snapped to look down at her letting their eyes meet, "I have issues with my environment. Anger is just the natural response."
Sakura raised her eyebrows, "Wow, that was impressive. How long've you been waiting to use that one?"
He let his black eyes drift away from hers again, not answering.
The pink haired girl sighed, "Look, I'm sorry about how things turned out."
"Yeah, me too," was his only reply before he snatched the Skittles out of a timid looking employee's hands.
"Can we try to forget about it?"
He shrugged, stuffing one skittles bag in his pocket before ripping open the other one, "Hn."
She knew him well enough to know when that meant yes, "Cool," she kissed him on the cheek.
The Uchiha stopped himself from wiping his cheek. Willing himself to bear the lingering feeling of her lips on his skin.
"How do you explain it then?" Hinata asked, almost in tears.
"I actually have no idea how it got there!"
"Do you know why they broke up? Naruto only told me she thought he cheated, but no details."
Sakura sighed, "Panties in under the seat of his car or something."
Sasuke shook his head, "Dobe."
They just went on listening to their friends' conversation from afar.
Naruto was beginning to look a little something like Spongebob did when he thought his grandma didn't love him.
"Naruto, cut it out…y-you're making a scene," Hinata spoke in an even quieter tone than usual as if trying to make up for her ex-boyfriend's loudness.
The blonde, however, was in such hysterics that he just continued on raucously rambling on in incoherent sentences about Beezlebub's undergarments or panty gremlins or some other ridiculous reason for the damned things to have been there.
"Pathetic," Sasuke mumbled with a shake of his head.
"I almost feel bad for him, but come on he had to have cheated on her. Panties in his car?" she sighed, "Not to mention his stupid excuses. He's just making it look worse for himself."
"He didn't cheat on her."
Sakura turned her head so fast to look at Sasuke she messed up her hair, "How do you know that?"
"He told me." Sasuke answered.
Sakura scoffed, "Damn, you're easy! What if I told you I was actually a broom in disguise?"
Sasuke's black eyes fell on her without a hint of amusement, "He knows I can tell when he lies so he wouldn't bother."
Sakura rolled her eyes, "Everybody lies to everybody at some point or another."
"That's not true."
"I never lied to you."
"Hinata-chan-n, p-p-pleeeease. I swear I'm n-not lying!" For the first time Naruto was the stuttering one in the relationship.
"No, Naruto! Please just stop." As much as it broke her heart she just couldn't give in so easily. Though before, Hinata probably would have taken him back right on the spot…actually on second though she would never have even broken up with him…but now she had the confidence to stand up to him. The self esteem to know she deserved more than someone who lied and cheated.
"I w-would never cheat on youuuu! You know that!"
She shook her head, "I thought I did, Naruto, but now I'm not so sure."
It was ironic that Naruto was the one who showed her to be so strong.
"Never?" She waited for him to say something like "Well, except for that one time I said…" But she got nothing but a solemn stare, "That's bullshit."
"Hn. Fine, don't believe me. I don't care."
"Please b-believe meee! I'm swear to Kami I'm not lying! I love you so, so, so much."
"Naruto, you're disturbing everyone's day," she said between apologizing to the people staring at them as they went into their movies.
"I don't care! I need you to believe me!"
Sakura was shooting possible scenarios when Sasuke could have lied rapid fire at him now, "You never told me you were going one place and then went somewhere else."
"Never cheated with a single one of your fan girls?"
"You never told me I looked good in something when I didn't?"
"You always looked good."
Sakura suppressed the urge to laugh out loud and rolled her eyes instead, "How do I even know you're not lying now?"
Sasuke shrugged, "You don't."
Sakura threw her hands up in defeat, "Whatever. I guess the world will never know."
They remained silent for some time more, watching Naruto make a fool out of himself. Suddenly, Sakura felt warm breath by her ear, followed by an oh so familiar voice whispering, "What lies did you tell me?"
"Naruto, I really wish I could forgive you, but because of this whole thing I just can't help, but wonder what other lies you told me. I don't think I'll be able to trust you again…at least not yet."
Fortunately for everyone with functioning ears and eyes, Naruto had calmed down from an all-out break down to tiny sniffle, "But…Hinata-chan…I didn't lie to you."
"Save it, okay?" her eyes were starting to get red too, "Just give me some time and then we can talk about it civilly."
Sakura tried to push him away, but with him leaning in so close she was between a rock and a candy display counter.
Sasuke was smirking that damned desirable smirk of his. She knew well that it meant not only was he amused, but fucking with her.
"It doesn't really matter now does it?"
Sasuke shrugged, "You tell me." He put his hand on hers and she tensed up. His hands had always been freakishly cold. Didn't matter if it was winter or summer. His hands were forever fucking freezing. Must have been bad circulation or something…
"Come on, tell me," Kami how he loved to fuck with her, "It'll be…fun."
She hated when that word rolled out of his mouth. She didn't know what to make of it. When Sasuke Uchiha said fun it could mean anything from a J-pop concert to ripping the brakes out of Itachi's car.
Sasuke chuckled, "So defensive." His cold hand was still on hers, "Was it that serious?"
"What if I told you I cheated on you with Rock Lee?" Sakura savored the wide eyed look of surprise and almost hurt on Sasuke's face, "What would you do then?"
Sasuke didn't answer her questions. He only tried to regain his composure and choked out his own question, "Did you?"
At this Sakura burst out into a fit of laughter, "Oh lordy lordy! You should see the look on your face!" She paused to reenact it, making her eyes wide and plastering an open, horrified looking frown on her face. "Did you actually fuck him?" He took his hand from hers and put it on her shoulder to get her to look him in the eye.
"Kami, no!" She was still wiping tears of joy from her eyes, "But it was a pleasure fucking with you!"
Sasuke shoved his hands in his pockets, fighting the urge to pout.
"Aww…did I hurt wittle Sawsuke-chan's feewings?"
Sakura could only giggle at how kid-without-a-lollipop-esque her ex looked, but after a while the novelty of it wore off, "But honestly…"
Sasuke's expression didn't change, but Sakura could tell he was listening intently.
"The biggest lie I ever told you was that I liked that pink and green lingerie you bought for me after graduation."
The black haired boy didn't respond for the longest time and Sakura began to think that he A) didn't hear her B) ignored her C) was so thoroughly annoyed by her that he didn't think it necessary for him to grace her with his words. Sakura noticed that Hinata was beginning to make her way over to where she and Sasuke stood so she shrugged, "Guess I'll see you later, Sasuke-kun." She was about to walk and meet Hinata half way when she noticed another damn smirk on the Uchiha's face.
"It's not like you were wearing them for very long anyway." He said with a hint of mischief in his voice that she could only smile to in return.
Hinata was walking away without even looking at Naruto, "If you love me so much, why can't you explain where that lingerie came from?"
"I have no idea!" Naruto shouted trying to convince her once again of his innocence, "My only lead is seriously pink and green panty gremlins at this point!"
Hinata had to fight the urge to laugh at that. Even when she was pissed, she couldn't help but smile at Naruto's silliness.
"Pink and green lingerie?" Sasuke and Sakura said in unison, getting the attention of their best friends.
"Y-yeah," Hinata confirmed timidly, "Why?"
Sakura pursed her lips and furrowed her brow, trying to find the best way to continue. Meanwhile Sasuke just awkwardly directed his eyes elsewhere.
"You see…Those are mine."
Hinata looked like she was unsure whether to slap Naruto or Sakura first.
"But not for the reasons you're thinking!"
Sasuke let out an exasperated breath and said, "Sakura and I fucked in the back of Naruto's car after graduation." Naruto looked positively ill.
"And I was wearing pink and green lingerie…that he bought me," Sakura put her hand over the side of her mouth closest Sasuke as if the barrier would prevent him from hearing, "I'd usually never be caught dead in something so tacky and lacey."
"Ew, ew, ew, ewwwweeeew!" Naruto stuck his tongue out of his mouth and jumped around moving his hands as if he'd tasted something hot, spicy, and foul all at the same time, "You did the nasty in my car?"
"You haven't cleaned your car since high school?" Sasuke shot back.
"That's so grody..." Sakura made a slight at the realization of that fact.
Naruto was about to respond before he was pounced on by his hysterical ex-girlfriend.
"I'm so sorry!" she cried into his shoulder, "Can you forgive me for not believing you?"
The blonde nodded and hugged her back spinning her around, "No worries! I never even blamed you to begin with." She planted a passionate kiss on his lips.
"I love you so much, Hinata-chan!"
"I love you too, Naruto-kun!"
Sakura aww'd with big sparkly eyes, "A happy ending!"
The dark eyed boy pushed himself from where he leaned against the counter, "Hn. I'm going home," Sasuke drawled pulling out his car keys.
"Yeah, I'd love a ride back to campus."
Sasuke raised a black eyebrow, "You're implying that I'm giving you a ride."
"Thanks, Sasuke, let's go," the pink-haired girl said with a smile, grabbing his hand and beginning to walk off before her ex pulled his hand from hers. Sakura only put her hands together in a praying fashion, "Hinata was my ride here, so please…"
A pale arm was extended to gesture towards a certain kawaii couple coupling by the candy counter. "Give it five minutes and security will ask them to leave."
She punched his shoulder for his stupidity, "I'm not going to have her drive me home, she and Naruto should spend the rest of the evening alone…you're not seriously going to have me cock block my best friend and your best friend."
Sasuke sighed, remembering the words of his favorite teacher in high school…Those that break the rules are scum, but those who abandon their friends are worse than scum…and cock blockers don't have souls.
"Fine." He began to walk off, hands in his pockets.
Sakura and Sasuke walked out of the theater. Leaving the lovers to each other.
A/N: Cool story bro tell it again? My thanks to everyone who has ever favorited one of my stories and to those who have me on author alert: it means so much and I hope this makes up for not posting in forever. This was me trying my hand at writing a comedy. I hope the humor came across like I hoped it would and, once again, I hope it entertained and I hope for some reviews! The good, the bad, the ugly.