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Five Years

Jim and Pam sit side-by-side looking slightly giddy.

Jim: Today is the anniversary of our first date.

Pam: Five years ago today, Jim walked into this very room and asked my out on our first date. It was pretty epic.

Jim, suddenly contemplative: Five years...

Pam: What?

Jim: It's just... when I was in Stamford, I got really drunk one night and promised the Universe or whatever that if you and me could be together for five good years, I'd be okay dying right after that.

Pam blinks.

Pam: So, basically you made a deal that best case scenario was going to leave me taking of your children alone.

Jim: I hadn't thought about that, but I guess so, yeah...

Pam: And why is this the first I'm hearing about this?

Jim: There are a host of embarrassing relics from the time I will not be discussing. Like all the songs I didn't write.

Pam: Oh, those I really want to see.

Jim: Those notebooks were burned.

Pam: Anyway, big anniversary.

Jim, nods: Huge.


Dwight fast-forwarded through another chunk of sickening drivel as he replayed Jim and Pam's latest confessional on his spy pen.

"... today is the anniversary of our..."

God, they were dull, he grimaced. Why couldn't they get onto the business at hand: revealing Jim's secret weaknesses for later exploitation.

"...if you and me could be together for five good years, I'd be okay dying right after that..."

Dwight smiled horribly.


Dwight: Over the years, Jim has attempted to pull pranks on me on several occasions. Being of a superior mind, I rarely fall for them, but...

He grimaces.

Dwight: ...the intention is what upsets me. I recently decided to enact my ultimate revenge using his own pranks against him.

He smiles goofily, yet horribly.

Dwight: I've been practicing my pranking skills. I borrowed Kelly's phone, then switched Ryan and her mother in the contacts...


Kelly, furious: He did that? I had to tell her I sent that picture to check for lumps!


Dwight: I gave Andy a box of condoms with tiny holes in the tips...


Andy, frankly terrified: Um...


Dwight: ...and I got Creed registered as a sex offender.


Creed shrugs.

Creed: Only a matter of time.


Dwight: I feel that I have mastering the art of pranking far greater than Jim could ever hope to.

He lifts up the spy pen.

Dwight: And now my enemy has given my the perfect opportunity to strike.


Andy stepped out of his office and cleared his throat dramatically. "Erin," he called, his tone low and serious, "could I see you in my office?"

Erin's whole face lit up in an impossibly bright smile as she rose from her desk. Andy shook his head and frowned deeply, trying to indicate silently that this was frowny time, but Erin misinterpreted and looked to Andy with incredibly sympathy for the pain she thought he must be feeling. Andy gave up and just indicated she should hurry.

After the door shut, Meredith asked "anyone else think they're doing it again?"

Phyllis shook her head. "Andy seemed really angry," she said, worried, "it's more likely he's actually going to fire Erin."

After an awkward moment, Creed spoke up "can't it be both?"


Erin, over-brimming with joy: I've been expecting Andy to get back together with me for a while now.

She smiles just a little brighter.

Erin: Sometimes, I forget that we aren't together now.

She thinks for a moment.

Erin: Just like I keep forgetting my real first name is Kelly.


Andy gestured for Erin to sit down and took a deep breath, steeling himself. "Erin... you know you're the most important person to me in this office.."

"I feel the same way," Erin said softly. extending a hand.

Andy shook his head and pinched his nose. "...and Robert knows that, too. So, if it looks like I'm protecting you, he's going to notice right away."

Erin's expression changed suddenly. "I'm in trouble."

Andy set a piece of paper in front of her. "Do you know what this is?"

Erin looked at it. "It was emailed to me," she explained, "you make a wish, and then you forward it to as many people as you can, and if you forward it to enough people, your wish comes true."

Andy nodded sadly. "So, you forwarded it to the entire corporate address book. Robert, all the clients... and you send it through the corporate server."

"I had to make sure it didn't register as spam," Erin explained. "If it goes into the spam folder you don't get your wish."

Andy nodded. "And you didn't check it for viruses or spyware or anything."

"If you check it for viruses, you don't get your wish," Erin explained.

Andy took another breath. "Kiddo, this is pretty serious... after Kevin crashed the server trying to order a Russian bride they've really started to watch this branch's internet use... Robert's not going to be happy with this and he's not going to let me go easy on you."

Erin opened her mouth to say something, but decided against it.


Erin, sadly: In my defense, I knew it was a really stupid idea... I just had a wish I really wanted to come true.


Deep in the reptilian centers of his mid-brain, Dwight planned. When should he strike with his ultimate prank? What form should it take? Should he actually kill Jim, or would that be taking the joke "too far?"

And then it struck him. The perfect prank to pull on Jim. It was only a matter of being alone with him at the right time. He just had to wait for an opportunity to get both of them out of the office.


Andy: Firing Erin... would be the most difficult thing I'd ever have to do in my life. I'd have an easier time pulling the plug on my dad.


Andy: I mean, at least with that I'd finally have his respect...


"So, I'm wondering what you have planned for the evening," Pam said playfully.

"Oh, are you?" Jim replied in kind.

"I know it will have to be something pretty impressive to make up for the last five years," Pam replied, "and since you're apparently planning on dying tomorrow..."

"Well Pam, I can't reveal exactly what I have planned, but..."

They were interrupted by the muffled sound of a receptionist repeatedly hitting herself lightly on the head while saying "stupid, stupid, stupid" over and over again.

"Are you okay, Erin?" Pam asked, genuinely concerned.

"I did something really stupid," Erin explained.

"Well, we've all done stupid things, Erin," Jim said reassuringly. "I mean, just yesterday, I..."

Erin shook her head rapidly. "No, this was really stupid..." Erin quickly explained the situation.

Jim tried his best to avoid saying "yikes."

"Well, okay, that's a pretty big mistake," Pam admitted, "but maybe there's something we can still do about it."

Erin thought for a moment. "I could travel to Robert in person and try to convince him to give me one wish, like girl I used to pretend to be who had to see the Wizard for help."

"You mean Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz?" Pam asked.

"The game I played was called Princess Q-Tip in the Popsicle Stick City," Erin replied. "What's the Wizard of Oz?"

"Same basic themes," Pam guessed.

"Okay... so I'll just find Robert..." Erin began.

"He's visiting the Nashua Branch today," Jim reminded her.

Erin nodded, she sometimes forgot there were still other branches as well. "Well, then I'll go to Nashua," she said simply.

"We'll go together," Pam insisted looking meaningfully at Jim.


Pam: I really don't want Erin to have to travel alone.


Pam: She got her driver's license because the instructor thought she was "too adorable to fail."


Pam: And she considers that an achievement.


Jim: I kind of had a lot of plans for tonight that in no way involved getting home from Nashua at three in the morning... but they also involved my spouse speaking to me, so...


"Okay, I guess I can call your mom to watch the kids and we can spend a romantic night in Nashua," Jim reluctantly capitulated.

"Wonderful," Dwight said, hugging Jim and Pam uncomfortably tightly. "Let's hit the road."


Dwight: Jim is going to find this trip... to die for!

He attempts a cartoonish laugh.


Darryl was in the middle of a fairly important inventory review when Andy wandered into his office aimlessly.

"Hey... D-Dog..." he mumbled miserably.

"Hey Andy," Darryl said brusquely. "What's up, man?"

Andy took a deep breath. "Well..."

Darryl looked at him expectantly.

Andy lowered his head. "I was thinking about sneaking away to my car to cry alone for a while, but... that's the Old Andy, so I came to see you."

Darryl shook his head, clearly he wasn't going to get his work done any time soon. "What's got you down?"

Andy briefly explained the situation. "... and now I'm pretty sure Robert is going to make me fire Erin."

Darryl nodded. "Andy, when you first started working here... I gotta admit, you were a little goofy."

Andy realized he couldn't really challenge that and remained silent.

"...But over the years, you've proved that you're a man," Darryl continued, "and a man... fights for his woman."

Andy nodded proudly. "Amen he does."

Darryl nodded. "You've got to stand up to Robert California and convince him Erin deserves to keep her job."

"Yuh-yeah!" Andy shouted exuberantly.


"I can't really think of an argument that wouldn't end up with Erin being fired, though," Andy admitted.

Darryl nodded. "This is gonna take some thought."

To be continued?