The goblins sped through the James Bond box sets they had sent a muggleborn to purchase for them, finding the gadgets the most interesting parts of the story and the fights to the death a nice addition.

"Q must be an artificer using the Bond muggle as his tester," Labcoat said.

"That's as obvious as Malfoy being a Death Eater," one of the other goblins snorted, "but what did Potter's request to make Rubeus Hagrid into a wizard James Bond mean? Context matters when it comes to important accounts."

"He's a muggle version of an Unspeakable," one of the goblins said thoughtfully.

"If Potter wanted to make him an Unspeakable he would have said so," Labcoat said, shaking his head. "No, he said he wanted him to be a wizarding equivalent of a muggle Unspeakable."

"That's an Unspeakable," a goblin said dryly.

"Then he just would have said Unspeakable," Labcoat said. "No, we'll have to locate a muggle Unspeakable and copy his skills."

"What about the wizard part?" a goblin asked. "Even we can't snatch up an Unspeakable without a ton of preparation."

Labcoat nodded. "Hagrid is already a wizard, just had his wand rights removed in one of the shoddiest cases I've ever seen. Should be easy enough to get that overturned and them restored. We can pack in wizard skills with all the muggle Unspeakable stuff when we do it."

"I must have hit my head, he's making perfect sense," a goblin said before ducking as a wrench was thrown at him.

"Now the question is, 'who can we find with knowledge of the muggle Unspeakables?" Labcoat said.

"The Prime Minister would know," one muttered absently.

"Yeah, but then the Minister of Magic would find out," another said.

"We weren't asked to do this quietly," Labcoat said with a frown.

"Yeah, but we'd be giving information to the Minister… for free," a goblin said with a growl.

"Good point," Labcoat said. "Fuck the Minister."

"Fuck the Minister!" the goblins chorused cheerfully.

"Then we have to do this subtly," Labcoat said, rubbing his hands together.

"Him, subtle?" one goblin asked another, being new to the group but instinctively knowing that the idea of the Labcoat wearing goblin doing anything subtle was crazy.

The goblin next to him grinned widely. "This is going to be good."

"None of you are knowledgeable enough about the muggle world, so I'll have to do it myself," Labcoat said firmly.

"Fuck funny, this is going to be hilarious," another goblin said with a laugh.

"Someone find out who is in charge of muggle spies," Labcoat ordered.


The chief of the SIS stared at the small figure in front of him who was wearing a dirty white Labcoat and goggles on top of some sort of medieval armor.

"I want a list of your best spies," Labcoat said.

William Youngman nodded cheerfully and pulled out a small pistol, shooting the smaller figure in the chest several times. Being in his mid 50's and stuck behind a desk hadn't done much for his waistline, but he'd kept his reflexes in top form.

The sound of the pistol was startlingly loud in the small office, but soundproofing kept the noise from escaping.

Labcoat was driven back into the wall cracking the plaster and coughed up a mouthful of blood. His right hand fell to his side and he whipped out a small crossbow nailing the man in the side, stapling him to a cabinet and making him drop his gun.

"Good opening, human," the goblin rasped out taking a vial of something and downing it. He coughed up several bullets and had to dig one out of his armor. "Not as good as a crossbow, but it has a lot more shots and is easier to conceal."

William grabbed the bolt in his side and snapped off the end before forcing himself to step away from the cabinet, letting it pull through him. He fell to his knees from pain and shock, but managed to grab his gun with one blood slick hand.

"Here," Labcoat said, helping William to his feet and handing him a vial. "If we're done with the combat portion of the greeting we can get to the bargaining."

"What's this?" William asked, a little light headed and wanting to recover a little before he started shooting, as he could see two of his enemy in the now dimly lit office.

"Healing potion," the goblin replied cheerfully. "I know you muggles like to take things slow, but I don't want to wait a couple of weeks for you to recover."

"Muggles," William muttered, some of what was going on suddenly making sense to him and deciding to drink the vial, as he was pretty sure he was bleeding out. It tasted of dolphin tears and the laughter of bats, which made no sense whatsoever, but the room brightened and he soon felt better than he had in years.

"Being in your position you should be well briefed on the magical world," the goblin said. "Now let's begin negotiations. What do you want for the list of your top spies?"

William set the bloodstained gun on his desk and opened the cabinet, frowning as he saw the bolt had destroy his brandy. He grabbed a bottle of scotch instead and two glasses, ignoring the blood on his hands as he filled each half way. "I quite need my top agents, thank you very much."

"For what?" Labcoat asked surprised.

"For the missions they are on," William replied. He set a glass in front of the goblin and sipped from the other one.

"Are you really so shorthanded you had to call them out of retirement?" Labcoat asked.

"Out of retirement?" William repeated before considering the possible miscommunications going on. "By best spies did you mean most experienced?"

"Of course," the goblin replied, surprised that hadn't been understood.

"Even if they are retired, they are still loyal queensmen and I will not betray them," William said firmly.

"What betrayal?" the goblin asked confused.

"What are you planning to do with them?" William replied, wishing he'd read more on the magical world, so he had at least an inkling about what this insane being wanted.

"I plan on approaching them with a job offer," Labcoat explained. "We have a skilled agent who had his mind wiped so many times he ended up as a simpleton. It's going to take a lot of experience to put him to rights."

"Does he operate in the… muggle world?" the spy master asked, not liking the word.

"He'd stand out too much, even with training," the goblin replied.

"Alright," William said, seeing that it wouldn't cause a conflict of interest. "And how are you planning on making your job offer? I only ask because it's obvious we do not use the same business practices."

"Test them, heal them up, and then offer a couple pounds of precious metals or gems to copy their skills it they prove talented enough," Labcoat replied.

"Heal them up?" he asked, raising an eyebrow but not truly surprised, considering the past five minutes.

"Even if they don't accept our offer our healers are far superior to anything you humans have," Labcoat replied with a toothy grin. "Skilled agents in the muggle world often have some bits damaged or missing," the goblin said. "After the test we'll not only heal any damage they've sustained, we'll heal any past damage as well."

"That's fair," William conceded, thinking that many of the older retired agents would agree for that alone. "And what are you planning on paying for this list?"

"What do you want?" the goblin asked.

"Can you give me copies of their skills to implant in my agents?" William said, thinking it would help give some of the agents a much longer shelf life and increase the efficiency of his department.

"How many?" Labcoat asked, before tossing back the drink.

"Two dozen," he said firmly.

"Three agents," the goblin countered.

"Fifteen," the man said.

"One dozen," the goblin argued with a grin, that faded as the man nodded.

"Deal," the man said offering a hand. After they shook on it he said, "And how many will you offer for the antidote to the poison you just drank?"

The goblin grinned widely. This was more like it!


Rupert paused, his eyes flickering towards the reflection of the street behind him and pretended to window shop. He hadn't been sure before, dismissing the feeling of being watched as paranoia, but he was definitely being followed.

'Either the circus is in town or I've pissed off Willy Bloody Wonka', he thought to himself as half a dozen midgets tailed him, following him down into the subway.

The old man managed to lose them in the crowd as he switched trains at random, but the effort cost him as he found himself leaning on his cane more than he liked.

'Getting bloody old,' he complained in his head as the train pulled into the station and he got off.

He only realized he'd made a mistake after the train had pulled out. The station looked like something out of Sherlock Holmes with gas lamps and hand painted signs, as it he'd stepped back in time.

"A theme villain," he said with a chuckle. "I've always wanted to meet one of those. Shame it had to happen when I'd passed my prime and retired."

Out of the darkness they came, dozens of them and all of them just under four feet high, wearing chainmail coats and fright masks.

Rupert placed his groceries on a bench and moved into the center of the platform, allowing them to surround him. Most would consider that foolish, but then most men were fool as far as he was concerned. Surround yourself with enemies and they couldn't risk firing for fear of hitting their friends, while you yourself could strike anyone you liked and be sure that whoever you struck was an enemy.

Straightening up to his full height of six foot two the old man grinned like a wolf, all teeth, little humor, and with the promise of bloodshed. "Well, come on me laddies, if you think you're hard enough," he said, a feral light in his eyes as he twisted his cane in his hand.

With a roar the battle was joined.


"I thought you were going to hide what I am," Seline said as she examined the red and blue, four-armed costume, a spider design on her chest and back with web accents everywhere, having to tuck the sleeves under her bracelets.

Harry examined his own outfit, a blue one piece with black accents and the number four in a white circle in the center of his chest. "Yeah, we are really going to stand out wearing these." He gestured to himself making his bracelet rotate and wiggling his arm to keep it going.

"Normally you would, but I found out the muggles are having a convention where they all dress up in costumes, so you'll fit right in," Remus promised. "Just remember only use one set of arms, fold the others or let them hang down like they're fake and everyone will assume they are."

"What am I dressed as?" Seline asked curiously, tugging at the costume to get it to fit comfortably, not used to spandex.

"A muggle hero named spider-man," Remus explained.

"Cool," Seline said, borrowing a word she'd heard some of the older muggleborn use.

"And me?" Harry asked, bored of playing with his bracelets.

"Johnny something, the human torch," Remus said.

"I'm a flashlight?" Harry asked cocking his head.

"Nah, this bloke sets himself on fire and uses it to fly around and fight crime," Remus explained, hoping he'd gotten the details right.

Harry filled his right hand with blue flames and let it run down his arm till half his body was on fire. "I can probably scare people real easy like this, but I don't think it'll let me fly."

Remus stopped himself from panicking as he noticed how relaxed both children looked, neither appearing concerned that Harry was on fire. "No setting yourself on fire, it'll scare the muggles," Remus said as Harry placed a handful of blue fire on his head completely covering his hair.

"Ok," Harry said letting the flames flicker and die.

"These are just costumes," Remus explained, "the muggles wear them, so they can pretend to be make believe heroes for the day."

"Like a giant costume party on Halloween," Harry realized.

"Exactly," Remus agreed, "and this way you'll blend in as long as you don't use both sets of your arms and you don't set yourself on fire."

"Cool," Harry said, exchanging a grin with Seline. "So, we're going to a convention?"

"You wanted comic books and role-playing games," Remus said, "and that is what they're selling to everyone. We can stop by a bookstore later and a pet store to get a rabbit for lunch."

"This is going to be so much fun," Harry said with a huge smile.

"You'll keep me safe from the adults?" Seline asked Harry, grabbing his hand.

"Muggles don't eat children," Remus assured her, wondering how bad the rumors were in the magical world about muggles these days.

"Really?" she asked Harry, wide eyed.

"Really," Harry assured her. "Muggles have laws against eating people and a lot of them are even picky about the types of animals they eat."

"We should spend more time learning to hide among the muggles, at least until we're too big to eat," Seline said seriously.

"We will," Harry said. "We'll study the muggles, so we can fit in with them when not at school, which also has rules against eating people. At least I think they do." He turned to Remus.

Remus nodded. "Hogwarts has rules against eating the students… or even tricking a student into eating another one," he finished ruefully. "You two ready?"

The two children nodded.

"Good. We'll be taking the knight bus," Remus said, "so be prepared for a bumpy ride."


The fact that his enemies were so short made things a little more difficult as he had to stoop down a little to hit them and his back hadn't been right since that grenade in Prague, a decade past. Almost Rupert could wish they were the same size as him. His vision wavered as he took a glancing blow to the head from a spiked club, felling its owner with a backhand holding a sap, and it seemed his wish had been granted, until he noticed he'd fallen to his knees.

"Fuck it," he growled as several uninjured midgets darted in and carried away their wounded giving him a breather, "I can cut you down as well from this height as I can standing and if you want to cut me down you'll have to bleed for every single inch!"

The midgets roared with approval before rushing forward to battle once more.

"I swear by Queen and country if any of you little shits start singing over my corpse I'll rise from the dead and kill you all!" the old man swore as he slashed out with his sword cane.

One of the goblins in the back turned to another. "Any idea what that's about?"

The other goblin shrugged. "Just like with the James Bond thing, yet another thing to research."

Typing by: fyrewolf5

TN: Nice to see more of this continued, sanity is overrated. And Fuck the Minister!