disclaimer: disclaimed.
dedication: to Christine. I am not even going to apologize for this. you asked for it. happy Christmas!
notes: sometimes I write really stupid things. example: this.

title: hard candy
summary: Sakura finds Viagra on Sasuke's nighttable. Hell proceeds to break loose. — Sasuke/Sakura.

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It was four-thirty in the afternoon when Sakura got home. It was an early day; Tsunade had cut her shift at the hospital short on account of the fact that, well, Sakura had been on call for twenty-four-plus hours, and she was starting to giggle at the patients randomly and apparently it was… sort of scary.

So it was four-thirty in the afternoon. Saura tumbled through the door to her—well, Sasuke's, actually, but she practically lived there anyway—apartment in a rush of cold fingers and cheeks as pink as her hair. She dropped her bag at the door, toed her boots off and stood there shivering in the entrance for a minute, still in her coat.

It was so cold out there.

She shook the cold off and slipped out of the heavy black pea coat. She left it rumpled on the floor behind her, and went in search of heat and comfort.

Ten minutes later, the kettle was set to steaming, and Sakura was headed to their bedroom to look for flannel pyjamas and—that was when she saw it.

A little white bottle sitting on the nighttable. Innocuous, really.

She tipped her head. Sakura was a curious person by nature; she had worked and studied and learned mostly because she was just… curious. She liked to know how things worked.

And a little white bottle of pills on Sasuke's nighttable?

That was just excess temptation.

But first, bunny slippers.

(Her toes were cold.)

After finding her slippers (pink and fluffy and ugly and old, but very comfortable), Sakura went to poke at the little white bottle.

There, in blue, was the word "Viagra".

Wait, what?

She opened the bottle, and out poured a handful of little lacquered blue pills. They were small, and for all she knew, could have been candy.

Oh dear.

Several things happened at once.

She choked a little bit on her own spit, trying to inhale and exhale at the same time, and then ridiculous mental laughter which quickly scaled into actual physical laughter which sounded sort of like a cross between a chipmunk on helium and a warthog.

This was not very pretty, but at that moment, Sakura didn't particularly care.

Sasuke had left Viagra on his nighttable.

And she was never going to let him live it down.

It wasn't long before the apartment door opened again, and Sakura—laughed out but still hiccupping—managed to drag herself off the floor and into the kitchen, still clutching that little white bottle of pills.

"Sakura? You're home?"

"Sasuke-kun, why is there Viagra on your nighttable?"

He stared at her. "…Hn?"

"Viagra. Sidenafil citrate. Known to cure—" and here, she paused to put the emphasized words in air quotes "—erectile dysfunction. It was on your nighttable."

Sasuke continued to stare.

Sakura thought that he was properly horrified.

This was not something that happened often.

She was going to take advantage of it.

"That is not mine," he said.

"Oh? Really? Then why is there?"

Sasuke very nearly rolled his eyes. "Kakashi, probably."

Sakura scoffed and flipped her hair over her shoulder in a great imitation of Ino at her most flippant. "Sasuke-kun, it's not good to lie to yourself. I'm a doctor. I would know. Our old teacher is not that that much of a creep."

"Sakura—" he said.

"No, really, I'm being serious here!"

"Sakura," he said again, more forcefully.

"What?"

"Do you want me to prove that they're not mine?" he asked, stalking forwards. Uh-oh. She knew that look. No good things could come of it.

And so Sakura, fuzzy bunny slippers and all, took three steps back and hit the wall, glaring darkly.

"Oh no, you don't—get away from me, we're not finished yet—!"

"Yes," Sasuke said decisively. "We are."

He pressed her back against the wall.

The little white bottle hit the floor, and did not make a sound.

fin.