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Cartoonocalypse

Episode 4: The Job

The next morning, Ed, Edd, Eddy, Tom, Kevin, and Rolf were sitting on the couch, bored as hell. Eddy was channel flipping through channels on the TV. As he did that, the TV was forming some crazy message.

"Listen – Eddy – You will – Die – If you – Don't – Brush your – Ass – And – Uhh… - I don't know," said the TV.

"Oh," said Ed. "That's funny."

"That is why I never watch cable TV," said Tom.

Nicole walked in the room. She seemed a little upset.

"What? Didn't sleep well last night?" asked Eddy.

"I slept fine," she said. "I just think as long as you're here, you shouldn't just be sitting around."

"We won't," said Ed. "We have concert dates."

"I think you guys should get second jobs so you won't be sitting around when not performing," said Nicole.

"If this is just for you to get more money," said Eddy, "We'll give it to you. We have more than we know what to do with."

"Great idea," said Nicole. "You each give me half of your paychecks."

"Nice one, Eddy," said Tom meanly.

"Tom, we don't need any more money," said Eddy. "In fact, I'd be willing to give her all my pay."

"I second that," said Ed.

"Me, too," said Edd.

"I'll give her all of my paycheck and more," said Kevin.

"Did you want us to do it today?" asked Ed.

"That would be nice," said Nicole.

"OK, everyone, get in the van," said Edd.

All 6 of them were on the road about 2 minutes later. Eddy was driving, Ed was sitting shotgun, and the rest were in the back. The All American Rejects' Gives You Hell was playing on the radio.

"Where the f*ck are we supposed to get jobs?" said Eddy. "The only thing I know how to do to earn money is play the drums."

"Maybe you could be a drummer for the military," joked Tom.

"Shut up," said Eddy.

"Hey, look," said Ed. "A 3-year-old playing hop scotch."

"Ed," said Eddy, "We can't earn money by playing hop scotch."

"Not that," said Ed. "I just love kids."

"Actually," said Edd, "I think Ed might be on to something."

"I think he wants to get a job involving kids," said Kevin.

"Oh, that would be the sh*t," said Ed.

"Are you kidding me?" said Tom sternly. "I don't want to be walking around in a dinosaur suit."

"I have a better idea," said Eddy.

10 minutes later, they were all standing outside Elmore Jr. High.

"C'mon, school's boring enough when I'm the student," said Kevin.

"Have we seen you before?" said a voice. Everyone turned around to see who said that.

"Hey," said Ed, "It's Gumball and Darwin! Sorry we didn't introduce ourselves. I'm Ed Jones; this is Edd Protonson, Eddy and Tom Thomson, Kevin Usuc, and Rolf Chikneg. Together, we are the most popular Death Metal cover band 'Deathtoll'!"

"So what are you doing here?" asked Gumball.

"Getting jobs to earn extra money for you and your family," answered Edd.

"What's with your voice?" asked Darwin.

"I sang with this voice so much I can't go back to my old voice," answered Edd.

As they headed in, Kevin said, "I'm telling you, this is going to be boring."

When they opened the door, they saw weird looking students: a flower in a pot, a cloud, a ghost, and a T-Rex to name a few.

"Actually, Rolf doesn't think there's such a thing as a dull moment here," said Rolf.

"Can you show us where the principal's office is?" asked Ed.

Gumball walked the band to the office. When they got there, Tom knocked on the door and said, "Come on out, you old bastard!"

"Tom, where are your manners?" asked Edd.

"Back in Peach Creek!" shouted Tom.

Suddenly, the door swung open. It was the principal, who was covered in fur from head to toe.

"WHO CALLED ME THAT?" he demanded.

"Principal Brown," said Tom nervously. "Good to see you."

"You seriously can't think he's scary," said Kevin, unimpressed.

"Hello," said Eddy. "We wish to get jobs, or whatever."

"Come in my office," said Principal Brown.

The office had a boring, gray atmosphere. Only Ed and Eddy were able to sit down, as there were only 2 chairs.

"OK, so what are you good at?" asked Principal Brown.

"Playing music," answered Ed.

"Sorry," said Principal Brown, "No jobs available for that."

"Damn you!" said Kevin.

"What's available, then?" asked Eddy, sipping his Lucky Lager.

"First, give me that beer!" said Principal Brown, grabbing the bottle out of Eddy's hands.

"Hey," said Eddy, "That's my beer!"

"Alcohol is not permitted at this school," said Principal Brown. "Anyway, we need another janitor, another lunch person, a renovator, an assistant librarian, and 2 people to confiscate drugs."

"Drugs?" asked Ed. "Isn't this a children's cartoon?"

"Don't get me started," said Principal Brown. "Now, I've laid out 6 cards. You shall each pick up one."

They all grabbed one at the same time. Ed and Eddy were the ones confiscating the drugs, Edd got librarian, Tom got renovator, Kevin got lunch guy, and Rolf got janitor.

"Uhh…I can't cook worth sh*t," said Kevin.

"Perfect," said Principal Brown.

"Eww…" said Kevin.

5 minutes later, Ed and Eddy thought about the jobs they ended up with.

"How do we find the drugs?" asked Eddy.

"We get into the lockers, of course," answered Ed.

"Isn't that invasion of privacy?" asked Eddy. "Besides, we don't know the combinations."

"That's why Principal Brown gave us keys," said Ed. He started to unlock a locker.

"And then what do we do with the drugs we find?" asked Eddy. "Give them to Jonny?"

"Well," said Ed, "All I see in here is a mess."

"Those are girl decorations," said Eddy.

"Is that what that is?" asked Ed.

"HEY!" shouted a voice. Ed and Eddy turned around to see a girl made from paper. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY LOCKER? DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?"

"A worthless piece of paper?" said Eddy.

Teri (That's her name) gets real mad and starts slapping Eddy, though, for obvious reasons, it is ineffective.

"You're proving my point," said Eddy.

Teri growled at him and stormed away.

"That went well," said Ed.

"Shut up," said Eddy.

Meanwhile, in the library, Edd was sitting at a table reading 1000 Ways to Cook a Corpse (Odd that he found it in that library). The librarian, who was some sort of tree, walked up to him.

"May I help you, sir?" she said sweetly.

"Yes," said Edd, turning his head toward her.

The librarian responds to this by fainting.

Edd stares, unimpressed. "So, '#34: Fried Flesh'," he read.

Ed and Eddy walked by a classroom and heared commotion going on in there. They walked in to see what the hubbub was, and they saw Rolf, cleaning someone's desk with a mop.

"Uh…I don't think you know what a janitor is supposed to do," said Ed.

"This is how they did it in Rolf's country," said Rolf.

"This isn't your country, Rolf," said Eddy.

"Aw, screw you!" said Rolf, hitting Eddy with the mop.

"Whoa, Rolf, take it easy," said Ed.

"Don't you have something to do?" asked Rolf.

"Oh, the drugs, right!" said Ed. "C'mon, Eddy!"

"Ed, we're not doing drugs, we-" said Eddy.

"I know what I said," interrupted Ed. "Let's just do our job."

In the hallway, Ed and Eddy met up with Tom.

"Hey, check this out," said Tom, "I've been thinking of a way to modify the drinking fountains to punish those who spit their gum in there."

"Tom," said Eddy, "No dangerous renovations, please."

"What do you think of an arrow from the floor?" asked Tom. "Or a laser? Maybe a bomb?"

"That's a bit too excessive," said Ed.

"No," said Tom, "It's very excessive!"

"Well, I guess I can't stop you," said Eddy. "Just don't think you can conquer the whole school."

SCENE TRANSITION: LUNCH TIME.

"OK," said Ed, "What cuisine has Chef Usuc prepared for me today?"

"You want the truth?" said Kevin.

Ed says, "…"

"Some mixture of beef, pork, sh*t, and an unknown substance," said Kevin.

Ed stared wide-eyed for a few seconds. "OK, even I can't eat that sh*t."

"Did I mention it has a hint of dryer lint?" said Kevin.

"2 scoops, please," said Ed.

"What's with that?" asked Gumball, as Kevin put one scoop on Ed's tray.

"Ed will eat anything," answered Kevin, putting the other scoop on Ed's tray. "And you don't even have to pay him. Why, this one time, Ed ate an entire 90-inch plasma screen TV… IN ONE BITE."

"Impressive," said Gumball, wide-eyed.

"Eddy," said Kevin.

"I'm just going to stick with my beer," said Eddy.

SCENE TRANSITION: RECESS.

Ed and Eddy were sitting on a bench, talking about their jobs.

"Well," said Ed, "How do you like this job?"

"I don't know," said Eddy. "How about you?"

"It's not bad," said Ed. "Children every which way you look…lunches that aren't even food…but those are the only perks. I can't even smoke."

"Would I give to be banging those drums right now," said Eddy.

"Hey, check this out," said Tom, barging in, "Blueprints for the world's most dangerous playground!"

"Turning the drinking fountain into a torture chamber wasn't enough to please you today?" said Ed.

The blueprints included a slide into an acid pool, monkey bars over lava, and a Bloody Mary-Go-Round(LOL).

"You might want to sleep on that one," said Eddy.

"I know, but it was fun to come up with," said Tom.

"Hey, look what I found," said Kevin. "Dodge balls!"

"Are you allowed to do that?" asked Eddy.

"I always thought school staff could do whatever they wanted," replied Kevin. "Heads up!"

Kevin throws a ball at a kid (Tobias). He gets hit hard, so hard, his nose is bleeding.

"Looks like that kid broke his nose," said Kevin, then he does his trademark douche-baggy laugh.

"Big deal," said Tina Rex. "I can do better."

Tina started to throw dodge balls rapidly at Kevin. He got a black eye, a broken nose, and three less teeth. Tina laughed maniacally.

"Dammit!" said Kevin.

Tom yawned, unimmpressed. "I'll show you something impressive."

Tom grabbed Tina by the tail, swinged(Swinged? No. Swang? Aw, f*ck it!) her around a few times, and then threw her.

"Hell yeah!" shouted Kevin.

"So…" said Eddy.

"Any second now," replied Tom.

5 MINUTES LATER…

"OK, Tom," said Eddy, "This is my best shooter. In about 10 seconds, all your marbles will belong to me!"

"Wait," said Ed, "I hear a faint scream…"

Suddenly, Tina landed on the black top, apparently holding souvenirs from China, Japan, Italy, Germany, etc.

"Wow, that's another record broken," said Edd, checking their book of personal records.

The bell rang. Everyone went inside.

SCENE TRANSITION: AFTER SCHOOL, IN THE TEACHERS LOUNGE.

Edd, Eddy, Tom, Kevin, and Rolf were talking to Mr. Small about their careers.

"…And there was this time where Kevin threw up on stage." said Eddy.

"Why do you have to tell everyone about that?" asked Kevin.

"Why don't you make like your bass and be inaudible?" said Mr. Small.

Eddy laughed. "Good one, man, you're alright."

"Oh, there you are," said Ed, entering the teachers lounge.

"Where'd you think we'd be, your mother's?" asked Kevin.

Mr. Small laughs.

"Hey, check this out," said Rolf, "If you take the lid off the coffee container it could be a Frisbee!" Rolf tossed it, and accidently hit Tom in the face with it.

"G*ddamn, watch out with that, asshole!" shouted Tom.

"Sorry, man," said Rolf.

"Hey, who's that?" said Ed, pointing at an orange furry Muppet-like creature with an AB/CD shirt on.

"That's Rocky," said Eddy. "He likes everybody."

"Hey, would anyone like to plug in my sign?" asked Rocky. His sign is one for Bud (Bet you didn't know that, did you?).

"It doesn't work right," said Mr. Small.

"I'll do it," said Kevin. Kevin walked over to the wall, put the plug for the sign in the outlet, and shocked himself. Mr. Small laughs while everyone else just stares in horror.

SCENE TRANSITION: OUTSIDE PRINCIPAL BROWN'S OFFICE.

The band was standing where I just described 1 line up. The reason they were there was to talk about pay.

"Why are we standing out here?" asked Ed. "Why don't we just walk in there?"

"Because that would be rude," replied Eddy.

"Since when are you concerned about what's rude and what's not?" asked Edd.

"It doesn't matter," said Kevin. "Let's all just burst in there at the same time 'cause I hate Tom."

Tom gives Kevin a dirty look.

Kevin kicks down the door, and see Principal Brown making out with Miss Simian.

"Now why doesn't this surprise me?" asked Eddy.

"OK, bub," said Kevin, "Pay up!"

"What?" said Principal Brown.

"Sorry about that," said Eddy, pushing Kevin away. "We don't expect you to pay us every day, but we just want to discuss our pay."

"OK," said Miss Simian, "Here you go,"

Eddy held his hand out, only to catch a penny.

"Really?" he said.

"Your jobs don't pay much because they have lower power than principal or teacher," explained Miss Simian.

"Tom?" said Eddy.

Tom grabbed a shotgun from inside his jacket.

"Whoa, let's not do anything drastic," said Principal Brown nervously.

Tom fired the shotgun, shooting out the window.

"OK, OK, WE'LL PAY YOU WHAT WE GET PAID!" shouted Principal Brown, scared as hell.

"Sounds good to me," said Tom.

Driving home, the band talked about the whole idea of living in a world inhabited with cartoon characters.

"I think I'm going to like this place," said Eddy.

"Really?" said Kevin. "I think this sucks. It's f*cking boring."

"How can you find a town where you can interact with anything at all be 'f*cking boring'?" asked Tom.

"It's too happy!" shouted Kevin.

"As dark as we are," said Ed, "I think this place will be perfectly gloomy in no time. Let's see if we can't find a bar."

The van took a left at an intersection.