A/N: Sorry I haven't posted in months. I couldn't come up with any ideas. But I was on such a rampage for story ideas for my other Young Justice collection of one-shots, Awkward, that I sort of stole one of the suggestions I got for that and used it here. I think it fits better. Everyone say thank you to Ultimate Black Ace for having the great idea of a mentor, such as Batman, give the team a talk (I narrowed it down to just Robin)
Ultimate Black Ace: Once again thank you for the idea and I hope you don't mind me using in it in this story instead.
A/N2: I'd like to warn you that do to the subject matter of this one-shot (the talk) Robin will say something you wouldn't want to hear from a thirteen year old. Blame Roy. You've been warned.
A/N3: I'd like to thank ARL15, wkcr, SubRosa7, Kikkiyoshi-Star, Lin36bffbecca, MouseMaster42 and kagome04 for reviewing.
A/N4: If you really like this story (or Awkward) please send suggest because I run out of ideas for one-shots really quickly. Also please check out Awkward. It's a lot like this story except all humor (think this chapter only more absurd) and less grounded in the reality of the show, however it still sticks to the characterization of the characters. Yes, I am shamlessly pimping out my other stories using this story. :p
That awkward moment when you have to explain the birds and the bees to a bunch of teenagers (Batman, Robin)—Ultimate Black Ace
The cave entrance from the manor opened and Alfred came down the long stairwell. Bruce could tell it was his butler, and not his ward, because of the sound his paces made. They were very quiet and at a specific tempo. Dick would have run down the stairs, loudly skipping two or three steps at a time, taking a very uneven pace.
"Master Bruce," Alfred said as he appeared at Bruce's said. Alfred set down a tray with a mug of coffee on it. "There seems to be a problem with Master Richard that I think you need to attend to." Alfred was fidgeting with his watch, clearly showing signs of distress.
"What happened?" Bruce asked, keeping his voice even.
"Miss Barbara was over this evening," Alfred said.
"Yes. Dick told me they were doing homework."
"I'm afraid Master Richard lied. They may have started with homework but when I checked on them they were, dear lord, doing something entirely different. Something inappropriate, if I do say so myself."
Bruce sighed. "What were they doing, Alfred?"
Alfred looked downward at his shoes, showing shame. "There may have been some, dear Lord, fondling."
"Dick got to second base," Bruce said. There was no emotion behind his words, no judgment, just a statement."
"Yes sir. I told Miss Barbara put her shirt back on, called her father and waited with her until he picked her up. Then I came down here."
Bruce picked up the coffee and took a sip. "Did you tell Jim what happened?"
"No sir. I did not feel it was not my place."
"Alright Alfred. I'll be up in about ten minutes. Tell Dick to wait in his room."
"Very well, sir." Alfred turned on his heel and went back up stairs. Bruce drank his coffee, trying to think of what he was going to say to Dick. He had never been given the talk given himself. He found out about sex through his own experiences. But he didn't want to leave Dick so clueless and venerable about the subject. He just was hoping it'd be a few more years before the talk. Bruce finished the mug and put it back on the tray. Then he changed out of his Batman costume and into his Bruce Wayne one.
He made his way up to Dick's room and knocked on the door. "Hey, can I come in?" he asked.
"Okay," Dick said quietly.
Bruce creaked the door open and then closed it behind him. He sat on the bed next to Dick.
"Am I in trouble?" Dick asked.
Bruce shook his head. "You're just getting older. We need to talk about these things."
"Dear god, I'm getting the talk, aren't I?"
Bruce slowly nodded his head and took a deep breath. He wiped his forehead with the sleeve of his suit. When he looked down at it was drenched. He had taken on Gotham's worse criminals but none of them made his sweat bullets like this.
"Okay so where's the banana?" Dick asked.
Bruce raised an eyebrow.
"Well when Roy gave Wally and me the talk he put a condom on a banana."
"Roy told you what a condom is?" Bruce asked.
"Yeah, well you see, after the first time Roy had sex—"
"Roy had sex?" Bruce yelled.
"Bruce, he's 18. It'd be shameful if he was still a virgin."
"That's not true," Bruce said, getting even more flustered then Alfred was previously. "Who told you that?"
"Don't listen to Roy."
"But he already told me everything."
Bruce sighed. "What did he tell you?"
"Well he said that condoms are one hundred percent accurate."
"Wrong," Bruce said.
"But they don't feel as good so if you can convince the girl to go on the pill then you don't have to wear one."
"But better than sex is oral and hand jobs. All the fun and none of the risk."
Bruce facepalmed. Then he took a deep breath.
"Alright, Dick, I want you to think about everything Roy has ever told you about sex, and you know what, everything he has ever told you about life in general."
"Okay," Dick said, unsure of what Bruce was getting at.
"And forget about it."
"Forget about anything Roy has ever told you. He is wrong. He is so wrong. He is the wrongest person alive." Bruce stood up and walked toward the door.
"Where are you going?"
"To call the Ollie. Roy seems to need this talk a lot more than you do.
A/N: Thanks for reading. Please review! :D