Author's Note:

This is my first fan fic. I've read lots of them, but I've never actually been brave enough to write one. I've had some ideas for a few, but I think I'd rather start with a satire on some of the types here. I'm really sorry if the following story is similar to yours, and I promise it has nothing to do with you. My inspiration is being angry with authors who make Rory a simpering dominatrix type character and Tristan a nice guy deep deep down. Don't get me wrong, I've read some of those stories, and they're excellent. But really, how realistic is that? So, for the last time, I apologize if I offend any authors or readers. As everyone knows, reviewing is great, but unless I get a major power trip from reading them, I'm not going to stop the story if people don't review. Now, I'm going to say none of the characters belong to me (well, except Jess, but that's another story) and if you sue me, I have about 63 cents. With that said, please enter the world of the Gilmore Girls, and prepare to be amazed.

--authors_anonymous

Rory Gilmore woke up to the sound of Lorelai screaming. Before she could move, Lorelai burst in and started jumping up and down on her bed.

"Mom!" yelled Rory, trying to understand what her clearly deranged mother was saying to her.

"Ror, I got it! I got it!" shrieked Lorelai, still bouncing.

"What?" she managed to sit up, and held her mother's wrists. "What did you get?"

"The perfect coffee!" she said, and dragged Rory out of bed, much to her protest. Rory sat down sulkily and waited for Lorelai to pour her a cup of what she had called 'miracle coffee'. Rory sipped it, and a smile spread across her face. It really was miracle coffee. While she drank greedily, Lorelai told her how she had accidentally mixed black roast beans with chocolate chips in the grinder, because Sookie had borrowed it for a new creation that involved bags and bags of organic chocolate chips (sadly, it didn't work-but sacrifices do have to be made for perfection Lorelai pointed out at the time).

Three and a half cups later, Rory looked at the time. It was too early to get ready for school, but she was too wired to go back to bed. Lorelai was still dancing around the kitchen, singing odes to the ambrosia she had made. Seeing no better option, Rory put on some jeans and a thick sweater and went for a walk.

Chilton, as usual, was hell. For some strange reason, Tristan was back from military school. Coincidently, he was in every single one of her classes, and he sat right behind her in each one. He hadn't actually spoken to her yet, but she had a sinking feeling that very soon he would be entangled in her life. Oh how right she was.

"Mom! I'm home!" called Rory.

"Hey you! How was hell?" asked Lorelai, walking out from the kitchen. Rory sniffed the air suspiciously. "Have you been making coffee?" said Rory accusingly.

"No, just grinding it up" said Lorelai, and walked back into the room.

"Did you go to work at all?" asked Rory when she saw the amount of coffee lying all over the counters.

"Uhh...so, how was your day?" asked Lorelai, avoiding the question neatly.

"Ohh, remember Tristan?" asked Rory, when she sat down with a hot cup of coffee.

"Tristan? Tristan as in that hot boy with gorgeous spiky blond hair, the rich parents, and the troubled life? Tristan as in the boy that for some reason I have called 'devil spawn', 'bible boy', 'devil child', 'evil Tristan', and so many other ridiculous names that I have lost count? Tristan as in the boy of got shipped off to North Carolina to go to military school, but keeps coming back to serve as a romantic item for my daughter, and sometimes impregnates her, but says he loves her? Tristan who cries in his lonely heart when he thinks about how his parents ignored him? Tristan who gets it on with any girls that aren't inanimate? Tristan who loves Rory when most girls would put out for him after the first date while she won't even look at him? Tristan who is unfulfilled with all the gorgeous girls he goes out with because he wants a mind, and a body? Tristan who dreamt about you ever night at military school? Tristan who I completely trust after awful things happen to my daughter and I'm swamped at work so I'm not there for her and I'm still called a good mother? Tristan DuGrey who has his own fan club, groupies, and a weekly newsletter? That Tristan?"

"Yeah."

"Oh. How is he?"

"I don't know. He's back at Chilton..."

"Why am I not surprised?"

"...and he's in all my classes..."

"Still not surprised..."

"...and he sits behind me in every one, even though it's the middle of the year and by right someone else should have sat behind me by now."

"Hmmm..."said Lorelai, stirring her coffee with her finger. "I don't know. Do you think he likes you?"

"Obviously," said Rory. "The question is, should I like him?"

Lorelai pondered the question for a few minutes. "Well, considering that you have a boyfriend and about six other horny teenage guys are madly in love with you, I'd say go for it!"

"What about Dean?"

"Dean? Oh him. I wouldn't worry," said Lorelai, "because I'm sure that soon he'll either move back to Chicago, break up with you, or start to pressure you for sex."

"Or maybe a mixture of all three" said Rory. The phone rang.

"Hello?" Lorelai said, "Just a minute...Rory! It's Dean!"

"Hey Rory!" said Dean.

"Hey Dean!" replied Rory, slightly guilty.

"I have some bad news...I'm moving back to Chicago, and I'm going to break up with you, but first we have to have sex."

"I'll miss you, you're right because long distance relationships never work, and...no." said Rory.

"Okay. Have a nice life!" said Dean cheerfully and hung up.

"Hey Mom, guess what?"

The next few days passed quickly. Dean had left, Jess had mysteriously disappeared (author's note: wonder how...hehehe) and the horny stars hollow boys had been shot at sunrise. Now there was nothing in Rory's way to Tristan. Well...almost nothing...