Disclaimer: I do not nor will I ever own Harry Potter.

This is purely a crack fic. I had several thoughts of humor that I decided to display. Hope you enjoy.


Harry Potter was bored. He stared out the window of the DADA classroom as Mad-Eye rumbled on.

"Now, does anyone know the summoning charm?" Moody asked. Harry perked up at this. He did after all use it during the first task.

Harry held his hand high as did Hermione. Harry snorted. He wasn't surprised that his friend had already done the spell.

"Excellent, always be prepared. Remember what I always say." The class groaned as in unison they all said aloud "Constant Vigilance."

"That's the spirit. Now, Potter! Stand up so you can give us a demonstration."

Harry sighed as he got to his feet. He hated having all the attention on him.

"Now Potter, I want you to think about something that you know you could never get your hands on. Now, think about it hard than summon it." Mad-Eye cackled.

Harry thought about it for a moment before a smile creeped onto his face. He held his wand out and shouted "Accio Voldemort!"

Several classmates cried out in horror at the mention of the dark wankers name. Suddenly a stampede of students were rushing towards the door in fear of Voldemort suddenly appearing.

Mad-Eye regarded Harry with a frown. "I don't think that's going to work Mr. Potter."

Harry shrugged. "It was worth a try. I figured we could get this whole mess over with."

Harry passed the group of students who were jostling for a position to get out of the room.

Moody sighed and headed for his office. No one heard the high pitched scream of Tom Riddle as he slammed head first into the stone wall of Hogwarts which killed him instantly.

To Hell With It!

Harry was once again bored as he sat on the bench beside Ron. Their dates at the ball were glowering at them with pure hatred.

Ron wouldn't shut up about Hermione.

"I swear mate. She's gone off the deep end. I mean why would she abandon us like that for a bloke like Viktor." Ron said miserably.

"I don't know mate." Harry frowned.

Suddenly Ron perked up as Viktor excused himself and headed for the punch bowl. Ron smiled and turned to Harry with a shit eating grin.

"Harry, I've got an idea mate. Go kiss Hermione"

Harry stared at Ron like he had two heads. "Why would I do that?" He asked.

Ron sighed "Harry, if you kiss her, Viktor will get mad and leave. Than Hermione will come back to us."

Harry frowned "Why don't you do it?"

Ron sighed again in frustration. "Simple, because Viktor can't do anything to you. You're a fellow Champion. He would be in trouble for sure if he tried anything."

Harry thought about it for a moment and looked over at Hermione. Her hair seemed to shine in the lights around the room.

He turned to Ron. "O.K." He got up and headed towards the girl in question. Ron, not really expecting Harry to do it, watched as his best friend headed towards the girl he liked.

Harry grabbed Hermione by the arm and spun her around. She barely had time to register a thought and a gasp that sounded like "Harr.." Before Harry pulled her into a kiss.

The whole ballroom seemed to come to a stand still as everyone gasped at the two kissing.

Hermione's eyes were wide at first before a feeling inside the back of her head kicked in and she closed her eyes. She pressed herself into the kiss which was quickly becoming more heated.

Suddenly the two were broken apart by a very angry Viktor.

"What are you doing with my woman?" He growled.

Hermione growled upon hearing this. "Your woman? I'm my own woman."

She turned to Harry "Come on Harry, let's continue this somewhere else." She grabbed his arm and everyone watched as Hermione Granger practically dragged Harry Potter from the ballroom.

Everyone was froze for a moment before each looked at each other and shrugged. The dancing soon resumed. Everyone returned to normal except for a certain red head who looked like his world had crumbled.

Meanwhile..Elsewhere in the castle a certain bushy-haired witch was getting the grand tour of a broom closet thanks to one Harry Potter.

The Power that He knows not!

Upon a bizarre potions accident Harry is granted the powers to literally think things into existence.

Harry sat in the medical wing again in his familiar bed. Hermione and Ron at his side.

"Harry, are you O.K?" Hermione asked.

Harry frowned. He would be if only he had some taco's with a shot of tequila.

Suddenly, five taco's and a bottle of tequila appeared before him. All three blinked in surprise.

"Bloody hell" Ron gasped. Hermione slapped him on the shoulder for his language.

"Harry, what just happened?" She asked Harry.

He shrugged. "I just thought about it and it appeared." His thoughts drifted and he found himself thinking about Tonks in a hot bikini on a beach with himself rubbing suntan lotion into her back.

All three gasped as their surroundings changed and Harry found himself on his knees rubbing oil onto a topless Tonks. Said witch was laying on her stomach sighing in content as Harry rubbed the lotion in.

He looked around to see a very red Hermione pointedly looking away. Ron however was staring at Tonks with his mouth hanging open.

'Wow, this power rules. I wonder what else I could do." Harry and the rest suddenly found themselves in a very large room in front of a roaring fireplace.

"Harry, where are we now?" Hermione asked.

Her question was answered when a door opened from the side and Harry's parents walked through followed by Sirius.

"Mom, Dad?" Harry gasped. He ran towards them and flung himself into their arms.

Both parents hugged their son back fiercely. Harry pulled back and smiled at Sirius before launching himself into the man.

"How is this possible?" Harry asked taking a step back. All three adults shrugged.

"Who knows. But Harry, you will only know sadness again if you don't do something about Voldemort."

Harry thought about it for a moment before a smile became etched onto his face. "O.K. It's done!" He stated.

Everyone looked at him in shocked silence.

"Harry, what did you do?" Hermione gasped.

Harry turned towards her smiling. "Ever watch a Road Runner Cartoon?"

Miles away Voldemorts ring of death eaters were shocked as an Anvil of gigantic proportions crashed through the roof and crushed the dark lord.

The End?

A/N: Let me know if you like this series of stories. If so I'll try to put out more in the future.