(Author's note: This story is being revised. Nothing major, just some cosmetic editing. The story will remain the same. I am sprucing it up for new chapters that will be posted soon. I wanted the rest of the story to match my writing style, which has changed since I last submitted.)

The Emperor's New Groove, With The Word "Groove" Crossed Out With Red Ink And The Word "Execution!" Written Above It, Then The Word "Execution!" Crossed Out And The Words "Complete Death And Annihilation!" Written Above That, The Words "Death And Annihilation!" Crossed Out And Replaced With Big, Bold Words With All Capital Letters "UTTER DISTRUCTION! HA HA HA!" Written Above That: An Evil Smiley Face Drawn To The Side So Now That It Reads The Emperor's New UTTER DISTRUCTION! HA HA HA! : D

AKA: Don't Touch My Llama

By Emilou

Chapter 1: Why the Title of This Fanfic is Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

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Hi, everyone. It's me, Kuzco. The Emperor. You remember me. I was the star of "The Emperor's New Groove", that movie that that one company made. Here's some neat trivia kids: It's all true. That's right. It's completely based on my life as the Emperor. I'm not just some actor here to amuse and dance for you. In fact, as the Emperor, I think you should dance for me. I totally can make you.

That is, if I didn't just go through a life changing event, such as turning into a llama and learning the important lesson of being kind to others. You should feel lucky that I learned that lesson.

Anywho, so you're probably wondering why after such a successful movie and great life-changing lesson that I'm here talking to you. You're probably also wondering why I've been turned back into a llama. But most of all, you're probably wondering, "What's up with the new title? I really liked the other one. How dare they change the title."

Don't get your panties in a twist. There's a simple explanation.

And I'm still waiting for it.

See, it's like this. Even though I went through a terrible, awful ordeal and learned a very good lesson, not everyone was convinced of my miraculous transformation. There was someone out there who continued to hold a grudge against me.

Yeah, I know what you're thinking. Who'd want to do something like that to me? I mean, I was a llama for like. . . two days. Isn't that punishment enough?

Apparently, someone wanted me to suffer.

What's that? Izma? You think it was Izma? Ha ha ha ha, you wish.

No, I admit that Izma was cunning enough to pull the wool over my sharp eyes for a while, but her evil ways are nothing compared to the sinister, uncouth gorgon that stepped into my life and ruined it.

And for no reason whatsoever.

Oh, she might tell you some sob story about how I was "insensitive", "unreasonable", and "heartless" or something like that, but I, in now way, deserved her festering scorn.

And you know what? She's someone you know. Oh, yes. You're quite familiar with her. Let's recap.

Okay, do you remember this scene from my movie? After the dramatic opening and my way cool theme song (Love it. Buy the CD), I looked over a group of young ladies who had the chance of marrying the coolest guy in the world. PSH. Unlikely.

Let's watch. Roll film.

"Let's take a look-see. Hate your hair. Not likely. Yikes. Yikes. Yikes. And, let me guess, you have a great personality. Is this really the best you could do?"

Stop! There. Right there. Look at her. Miss "Great Personality". Don't let her appearance fool you. See the evil glint in her eyes, the fiery rage in her face as she raises her iron fist to hurt poor, little me. Totally not lady-like. All you guys out there, here's a lesson for you. Whenever a woman asks you to be completely honest with them, don't. It's a dastardly trap so they have an excuse to wreck your perfect, awesome life. They want to take everything important away from you and change you back into a llama.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's go back in time.

No, not that far back in time. Although, even at age eleven, I was still a handsome devil.

Let's go back, right before my awesome theme song scene, where this story begins.

Now you're humming the song, aren't you? I know you are.