The Emperor's New Groove, With The Word "Groove" Crossed Out With Red Ink And The Word "Execution!" Written Above It, Then The Word "Execution!" Crossed Out And The Words "Complete Death And Annihilation!" Written Above That, Then The Words "Death And Annihilation!" Crossed Out And Replaced With Big, Bold Words With All Capital Letters "UTTER DISTRUCTION! HA HA HA!" Written Above That With An Evil Smiley Face Drawn To The Side So Now That It Reads The Emperor's New UTTER DISTRUCTION! HA HA HA! : D

AKA: Don't Touch My Llama

By Emilou aka Hatashi Kitty

Chapter 1: Why the Title of This Fanfic is

long.

Hi, everyone. It's me, Kuzco. Emperor. You remember me. I was the star of "The Emperor's New Groove", a movie that that one company made. Here's some neat trivia kids: It's all truth. That's right. It was completely based on my life as Emperor. I'm not just some actor here to amuse you, and dance for you. In fact, as Emperor, I think you should all dance for me. And I can totally make you.

That is, if I didn't go through a life changing event such as turning into a llama and learning the important lesson of being kind to others. You should be lucky I learned that lesson.

Anywho, so you're all probably wondering why after such a successful movie and great life changing lesson that I'm here talking to you. You're probably also wondering why I've been turned back into a llama. But most of all, you're probably wondering "What's up with the new title? I really liked the other one. How dare they change the title?"

Don't get your panties in a twist. There's a simple explanation for it.

And I'm still waiting for it.

See, it's like this. Even though I went through a terrible, awful ordeal and learned a very good lesson, not everyone was convinced by my miraculous transformation. There was someone out there who continued to hold a grudge on me.

Yeah, I know what you're thinking. Who'd want to do something like that to me? I mean, I was a llama for like. . .two days. Isn't that punishment enough?

Apparently, someone wants me to suffer.

What's that? Izma? You think it was Izma? Ha ha ha ha, you wish.

No, I admit that Izma was cunning enough to pull the wool over my eyes for awhile, but her evil ways are nothing compared to the sinister, uncouth gorgon that stepped into my life and ruined it.

And for no reason whatsoever.

Oh, she might tell you some sob story about how I was "insensitive" or something like that, but I in no way whatsoever, deserved her festering scorn.

And you know what, she's someone you know. Oh, yes, you're quite familiar with her. Let's recap.

Okay, you remember this scene from my movie. After the dramatic opening, and my way cool theme song (Love it. Buy the CD), I looked over a group of young ladies who had a chance of marrying the coolest guy in the world. PSH. Unlikely.

Let's watch. Roll film

"Let's take a look-see. Hate your hair. Not likely. Yikes. Yikes. Yikes. And, let me guess, you have a great personality. Is this really the best you could do?"

Stop! There. Right there. Look at her. Miss "Great Personality". Don't let her appearance fool you. See the evil glint in her eyes. The fiery rage in her face as she raises her iron fist to hurt poor little me. Totally not lady -like. All you guys out there, here's a lesson for you. Whenever women ask you to completely honest with them, don't be. It's an dastardly trap so they have an excuse to wreck your perfect life, take away everything important to you and change you back into a llama.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Let's go back in time.

Not that far back in time. Although, even at age eleven, I was still a handsome devil.

No, let's go back, right before my awesome theme song scene.

Now you're humming it, aren't you? I know you are.