[Author's Note: This list originally appeared in my Portal/Half-Life crossover, Between Minds. If you're in the mood for something more serious (most of the time) and filled to the brim with Portal/Half-Life goodness, then check it out!]
by Cave Johnson
"Welcome to the Aperture Science Mono-Electric Transit System," (a recording of Cave Johnson's voice played over the speakers.) "If you're hearing this, then congratulations on being among the select few qualified enough to work in what I consider to be the greatest monument to Science ever built.
"While you're essentially trapped here in the monorail and you have no choice but to listen to what I say, let's go over a few rules.
"Number 1: Do not jump out of the monorail. That's a three thousand foot drop beneath you, people. So unless you're made of rubber – HA! – or you're part of our 'Rubber People' experiment, a fall from this height would not only kill you, but pulverize you for good measure. Gravity is just picky about these sorts of things.
"Number 2: Please do not speak about the outside world - it distracts your colleagues from the task at hand.
"Number 3: Remember that we operate under a No-Discrimination policy here, folks, so make sure never to use derogatory terms such as 'stupid', 'mute', 'fat', 'ugly', 'adopted', etc. except when they are true.
"Number 4: If you feel your life is pointless, purposeless, and like you're walking through a giant hamster wheel ten hours a day just to approach your meaningless death one day sooner, well, stop thinking that and get back to work.
"Number 9: Ask not what Science can do for you, but what you can do for Science to make it work for you!
"Number 18: Do not apply to Black Mesa.
"Number 24: Move rule number 18 up to rule number 1.
"Number 35: Only hit the red button when you see orange. ONLY ORANGE.
"Number 35.1: Not just normal orange, though. Test subject orange.
"Number 41: Due to their distracting nature, all Douglas Adams books have been banned, along with the number 42.
"Number 43: See?
"Number 62: The company motto has been changed to 'Shut your mouth and get back to testing.'
"Number 64: Comments on the motto change are prohibited.
"Number 66: Rule sixty-six is NOT associated with Order66, and therefore does not mean revolt and join Black Mesa. If that happens, I will kill you with moon rocks. I MEAN IT.
"Number 75: Everyone is to stop referring coworkers as a model for the intelligence dampening project.
"Number 80: There will be no sweets in this building. I don't care who's birthday, anniversary, or holiday it is, there will be none of it. If someone says that they have and/or are giving you anything like cake, chocolate bars, or lollipops, then it is a lie.
"Number 97: Do not attempt to stop malfunctioning machinery with your hands or genitals." (editor's note: there is a brief pause in the recording.) "WHA-
"Number 98: I do NOT apologize for my swearing. Yes, this is a rule now, folks, so you can stop asking me.
"Number 173: If you're going to have your kid in Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, can you make her do something other than a volcano for once? Seriously, people, try to be a little creative - like, oh, I don't know, a potato battery or something. I swear if I see another paper mache volcano next year, SOMEBODY is getting fired. And not your daughter. You. I mean you." (Another pause.) "Oh, and you'd better not take this an excuse for you all to just do potato batteries, I want to see the next generation of scientists doing some real science. Earlier we get 'em started doing Science, the earier we can have 'em tested. So get to it.
"Number 198: We are no-longer responsible for any burns and/or hair loss caused by our hard-light bridges. Remember, folks, every charred artery and Emergency Room trip furthers the progress of Science by about 150 years, so suck it up and buy a toupee.
"Number 261: Do not exhibit any paranoid tendencies. We're always watching.
"Number 263: If you stall just as you are about to complete a test so you can think of a witty pun to say, you will NOT be paid. Seriously, it's annoying the Archivists.
"Number 356: Anyone claiming to understand Chaos Theory after reading 'Jurassic Park' by Michael Crichton WILL be slapped in the face by a Physicist with a jetpack. Ian Malcolm is a fictional character, people.
"Number 379: If you're concerned about the mental stability of your robot manager, don't worry. We have pills for that.
"Number 399: If at first you don't succeed, you fail, and the testing will be over.
"Number 412: Wearing a mask and using a funny accent will not get you another $60." (He coughed.)" Joining a test will! ... Which may or may not give you a mask-like face and a funny accent.
"Number 573: Due to the overwhelming number of complaints regarding the handling of the office complaints box, the office complaints box will be permanently removed. From now on if you have a complaint you can suck it up and deal with it." (Aside) "Not that I like reading the damn things anyway...
"Number 641.7: Henceforth, all citrus fruits are banned from the facility.
"Number 666: Please, people - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SUMMON THE DEVIL. You'll only attract lawyers.
"Number 716: From now on, every Friday shall be known as Causal Monday." (Cough, cough.) "To throw off the enemy.
"Number 792: "I'm not going insane! Saying you can go there is like insanity is a place! But really, if it were a place, then you would have to go IN! You see! To go insane really means to go into sanity! So even if I were going insane, I would be completely fine! Which I'm not. Insane, that is. Dammit, just turn the mike off."
(His voice was hoarse, like an old man's.) "Ugh… does it matter what number I'm at now?" (He cleared his throat and banged his fist against his desk.) "So I'll give it whatever the hell number I want! Who says Cave Johnson needs to num-" (cough,) "-er things in order! This is rule Number six hundred thousand seven hundred and forty nine! … point eight... and a half! If you're an astronaut, plea-" (cough,) "-eport to the Mana-" (cough,) "-ent Office imme-" (For the next several moments, he could say nothing. Eventually, he cleared his throat and said heavily,) "And you'll need a blood test."
(The next recording was nearly completely obscured with static, as though it was included by mistake. His voice was decades younger.) "Number 7: I am sexy!" (A woman in the background burst into laughter.)
(The only sound was a low, quiet snore. Eventually, a woman's sigh broke the monotony of the recording, and with one last soft click, the overhead speakers fell silent.)
[Author's Note: If you have a funny suggestion for another rule, please leave a comment! No canon examples, please. We've all heard the lemon rant before, people. I'll add your name to the credits.]
62; 64; 75; 641.7: Lavender Frostflower
31; 31.1: curtisimo
80: Joey the Gardener
198: Sam Wolfe
263; 356: Brohoof'd
And the rest are mine, 3theCaptain's.