Severus Snape's Aberration;
[She put him out, like the burnin' end of a midnight cigarette,]
Severus signed the letter he had worked three hours on, /three hours/, for merely two paragraphs. He sighed, taking another swig of the nearly empty bottle of Firewhiskey. His vision was beginning to blur, and he was almost sure if he spoke, his speech would be slurred. He stood up, swaying on his feet slightly, stumbling over to the fireplace of his chambers. He had the Floo connection turned off, which was forbidden by Professors, but he didn't care, it's not like he'd be around for the consequences. He propped the letter against the Fireplace signed to "Whomever it may concern," which he figured nobody, not since she died anyway, not since she left him.
[She broke his heart; he spent his whole life tryin' to forget.]
He stumbled over towards his desk, grabbing the small vial resting on his copy of "Advanced Potion-Making" book from his days as a student, he really should burn that, but maybe the edits in Potions in there would be published one day, or used for research, so he decided against it. Turning back to look over his rooms, he frowned; there was absolutely no personal items, not even in his dark bedroom, besides clothing. He had no pictures, no items with any type of value, Galleons or Sentimental.
[We watched him drink his pain away, a little at a time,]
He turned back towards his desk, opening up a drawer and pulling out a picture which was torn and tattered from age. Giving a sigh, he walked over towards his favorite chair by the fire, taking a seat and accioing the reminder of his Firewhiskey, slowly finishing it off in small sips. He stared down at the picture in his other hand, frowning, they looked so happy together, "We were kids.. " he groaned, closing his eyes, knowing things would be no different even if she had lived.
[But he never could get drunk enough to get her off his mind.]
He finished off the bottle of Firewhiskey, tossing it at the fireplace and watching as the shards shattered onto the ground. He scowled at the fire, deciding it was time. If he didn't do it now, he would chicken out, and he knows he would, it had happened many times before, he would come so close to release, but never get it. He leaned his head back, inhaling and exhaling deeply to calm his nerves as he felt his hand shaking with anticipation.
[Until the night…]
He opened his eyes, staring at the ceiling, "Here we go..." he spoke so softly that even if someone were in the room, they wouldn't have heard it unless they were right next to him. He pulled the vial of clear liquid open and poured it down his throat, dropping the now empty bottle on the ground, a drop of it dripping onto the floor and the rug it dripped onto smoking slightly as it was dissolved through. Severus leaned his head back on the chair once again staring at the ceiling, his eyes slowly drooping. "Soon enough..." he spoke aloud.
[He put that bottle to his head, and pulled the trigger,]
Severus started drooping in and out of consciousness within the first minute after drinking the vial. This is why he loved Potion making, an easy way to get the job done, without the pain. He would simply fall asleep… and never awake again. He licked his dry lips, tasting the Firewhiskey aftertaste still, lifting his hand up to rub his eyes.
[And finally drink away her memory..]
Through his eyes, flashed scenes of his life, 'Never thought it was true, the whole watch your life pass by as you die…' he thought to himself as he watched each scene play out. He was relieved it was only happy scenes, every single of them having one thing in common: Lily Evans.
[Life is short, but this time it was bigger,]
With tears slowly releasing from his closed eye lids, he gave a small smile as he remembered all the times during Summer, Lily and him would chase each other around the Lake where they had met, even when they were 16, still sitting there, talking about things such as life, what they hope to accomplish, and their home lives, which even though his was horrible, talking to Lily about it made him feel so much better, like everything being lifted from his shoulders.
[Than the strength he had to get up off his knees.]
His heart clenched as the memory of their first and only kiss came upon. It was a bright sunny day, they were sitting by the tree, doing their Summer-homework and helping one another, Lily helping him on Charms, him helping her on Potions, when it began pouring rain out of nowhere. The tree protected them slightly from being drenched, but they still had to stand up, grabbing everything they had and running to escape the rain, laughing as they reached Lily's home, standing on the porch where it was dry from the roof. He looked at Lily, her hair drenched, a beaming smile, and he couldn't control himself, he leaned in and pressed his lips to hers, his eyes wide from what he was doing, expecting to be slapped not Lily closing her eyes and responding. The kiss was chaste and soft, very nice, or at least in his opinion. When he pulled back, he stared at her, her face was more red than her hair, making her bright green eyes stand out. He grinned from ear to ear, waving off to head home.
[We found him with his face down in the pillow,]
The next day they had went back to Hogwarts for their 6th year, they hadn't talked much except at night when Severus, who was patrolling the halls with his prefect duties, stumbled into Lily and James kissing in the Astronomy Tower. Just from seeing the scene, his heart sank, aching. Everything went grey, turning to the day months later when James had walked up with his gang of bullies and used Levicorpus to embarrass him in front of the /whole/ school. Everyone had laughed, not helping at all, he hadn't spoken to Lily since that day he saw her and James, unsure how to feel about it… when he dropped to the ground, he saw Lily yelling at James, and everyone still laughing, saved by a girl, he felt so embarrassed, he hadn't meant to call her that word, he would've done anything to take it back, but he was so angry, right after he had kissed her, not even 24 hours and she had gotten with James, he felt… betrayed.
[With a note that said "I'll love her 'til I die."]
That day, he cut himself from everyone, hardly talking to anyone, and that secluded era was probably the reason he had joined Voldemort after his birthday. He began to hate himself, not for just calling her that word now, but for the fact that he still loved her, more than anything, even though she had betrayed him, why did he love her? He began pondering on that question, feeling himself being pulled into exhaustion; he knew it wasn't much longer now. Not much longer then he would see her again, and they would be together.
[And when we buried him beneath the Willow,]
Another memory pulled itself to the surface, the last time they had spoken, it was days after Harry's birth, he was revisiting the Lake they had met at, sitting on the shore, staring out like they use too as children when someone had tossed a pebble at him. He felt ready to hex the children he figured had thrown it when he turned and saw who else but beautiful Lily Eva- Potter. He stared, unsure what to say, before he knew it, she took a seat next to him, and like old times, they began talking about their lives, she told him all about Harry, about how James had become an Auror, how she had decided to attempt Teaching when she had turned 22 and finished her Masters in Charms. He told her all about him getting his Masters in Potions and Dark Arts, wanting to own an Apothecary, and before he knew it, telling her all about Voldemort, how he had joined, not that he felt she had betrayed him, he couldn't bring himself to say anything which would seem like he was putting any blame on her.
[The Angels sang a whiskey Lullaby.]
Finally the scenes in his mind stopped, and all he could hear was his shallow breathing and slow paced heartbeat. He clutched the picture in his hand, trying to picture Lily so she could be the first thing in his life he would see that made him smile, and the last thing. A small faint smile planted on his lips he slowly began to drift off only to be jolted away by someone touching him, he opened his eyes and stared into the green eyes. "Lily…" he called softly.
[The rumors flew, but nobody knew how much she blamed herself,]
She stared down at the Man sitting in the chair; he looked completely relaxed, slowly falling into death. She frowned, she knew he was focusing on her, he thought he had nothing to do with his life left, he had survived the War, they had won, and now a year later, here he is, committing suicide to be with her. She glanced down at the floor, a tear falling from her face, she couldn't let him do this, she had already done enough to him, but not pull him to into the dark abyss that is death.
[For years and years, she tried to hide the whiskey on her breath.]
She stepped over behind the chair, and as his face became more relaxed, she leaned her hands down and cupped his face, hoping he would respond in some way. As he opened those deep Onyx eyes, they met green and she couldn't help but smile, she knew he saw her, when he whispered her name, she couldn't help but let a few tears drop, his velvet voice speaking her name, she missed it, don't get her wrong, she loved James, but Severus, something was special about how she felt for him, closer than she could ever hope for with another person.
[She finally drank her pain away, a little at a time,]
Her smile turned to a frown, "Severus, you can't do this, you know that… there are many things you need to do…" he said, biting her bottom lip.
"Lils… no, please… I- I want to be with you…" he said, tears dripping from his eyes, those Onyx eyes she loved so much twinkling, filled with sadness, "Please… " he said, slowly drooping his eyes again.
"I want nothing… more to tell you to do this, to close those eyes and come with me. I would love to be selfish, Severus, but I can't, it's not your time, when it is, we'll be together, but now… you can't do this, please, Severus…" she begged.
[But she never could get drunk enough to get him off her mind.]
They stared at one another for what seemed like eternity, she could tell he was fighting off falling to sleep to stay staring at her. She brushed his hair behind his ear like she use too when they were children, and smiled, "You'll take care of Harry for me, won't you, Severus?" she asked, trying to sound happy.
[Until the night…]
He nodded his head, standing up and swaying back and forth one foot to another. He stumbled over towards his Potions cabinet, hardly making it without falling to the ground. As he leant against the door frame, he grabbed the antidote and downed it, turning back to her, leaning his back against the wall, "Why don't you want me?" he asked her, trying his hard to keep a straight face.
[She put that bottle to her head, and pulled the trigger,]
She stared at where he sat as he went to take the antidote, she was happy, but she wasn't. She wanted to be selfish more than anything, but she knew she couldn't do that to him, when asked why she didn't want him; she shook her head, placing her face into her hands, "It's not about wanting you, Severus… I do… I always did, Severus!" he proclaimed, almost shrieking.
[And finally drink away his memory…]
She knew she had been there too long, she should leave now while she still had the chance. When she looked up, she saw him move in on her, grabbing her shoulders and pulling her into an embrace. Lily relaxed in his arms, her head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. "Severus…" she whispered, closing her eyes.
He frowned at her, pushing her hair behind her ear, brushing his thumb to her cheek, "You're cold…"
She gave a weak smile, "That's usually how dead people feel, Severus…" she said, giving a weak chuckle, shaking her head as he laughed as well. They stood in an awkward comfortable silence, Lily knew she had to break it, "I have to go…"
[Life is short, but this time it was bigger,]
"No, no, please… just a little longer…" he begged, sliding to his knees, holding onto her dress. "Please, Lily… I can't do this…"
Lily leant down, cupping his face and smiling, "You can do this, Severus…" she whispered to him.
He shook his head, trying to avoid eye contact, finally falling into her embrace, his face nuzzled to her neck, arms wrapped around her waist, "What happens now…?" he asked in an unsure tone.
"You wait, Severus… I must go now…" she whispered back, standing up and leaving him on the ground.
[Than the strength she had to get up off her knees.]
Severus stared down at the ground, not willing to move, not willing to accept the fact that he just held Lily to him, and now he was letting her go without so much as a fight.
Lily stepped away, staring at the broken Man on the ground, "Severus… this is for the best, I'll be waiting for you." She said sternly, then smiling, "You'll do as I ask?"
Severus looked up, "Huh?" he said, tuning in and out of the conversation.
"Take care of Harry…" Lily whispered back.
Severus nodded his head, "With my life…" he said, giving her a forced weak smile.
Lily smiled back, walking over and touching his face once more, he nuzzled her hand, closing his eyes.
[We found her with her face down in the pillow,]
"Keep your eyes closed…" she whispered, pulling her hand away, watching as he kept his face relaxed and eyes closed, she couldn't help but give a smile, turning away and walking towards the fireplace, gently touching the letter he had left, she shook her head, wondering in the years to come how many times she would have to come back to make him stop from doing this over and over again.
[Clinging to his picture for dear life.]
She turned back and was ready to leave when she saw a picture on the ground, she leaned down and picked it up, the picture was tattered and a corner torn off, "Oh…" she said softly enough for him not to hear, it made her smile, it was a picture of the two when they were 14, next to the Lake, Severus smiling brightly, and her head tucked under his chin smiling as well. In the picture, they looked so happy, back then they would never expect it would end like this. She turned her head and saw Severus' chambers doors opening, she knew it was time to go.
[We laid her next to him beneath the Willow,]
She placed the picture on the chair and disappeared, and with that, the fire under the fireplace stopped crackling and slowly extinguished. Through the door, Albus walked in, frowning, the reminder of the Order followed inside, all surprised at the scene.
[While the Angels sang a whiskey lullaby….]
The room was wrecked, all done by the hands of Severus; all that was intact was the chair Severus was seated in formally, and the fireplace, with the letter. Poppy stepped inside and with the help of Sirius and Remus; they carried an unconscious Severus to the infirmary. Albus grabbed the note and picture from the chair and fireplace and followed down to the infirmary.
As they sat outside the infirmary while Poppy worked, the whole Order was sitting in chairs, silently chatting to one another. Harry, now twenty, stared at the door, "This has happened before, sir?" he asked, looking over at Albus.
Albus sadly nodded his head, "Severus… loved your Mother very much…" he said in a cracked voice, his eyes not twinkling like normal.
Harry frowned, "She loved him too, didn't she?"
Albus once again nodded, turning and retiring to his chambers, he knew the Man he looked at like a Son would be okay, he always was after this.
Hours went by before Poppy stepped out, the only one who stood outside was Harry, pacing before the door, and Poppy signaled him in, as he stepped through the doors, he walked over to the bed to see the peacefully sleeping Man. Poppy waved him off and closed the doors, retiring to her office, he stepped forward, placing his hand over Severus'.
When he finally decided to retire, he turned towards the door, before something caught his eye. Next to the table was a moving picture of his Mother and Severus, smiling and laughing, and under it a note. He knew it wasn't his to read, but it was addressed to "Whomever it may concern", he picked the letter up and opened it, reading silently aloud;
I'm not sure if who is reading this, if anyone is. It might end up like the last eleven letters I've written while in this… "Mood". Those letters were burnt the moment I was released from the infirmary. Any who, I write this letter as somewhat of a will. Everything I own, I leave to Harry James Potter, which includes all my vaults at Gringotts, the Prince Heir fortune, as well as all the properties owned by the Prince's. For a reason, I promised the person I'm going to see now I would take care of him, and throughout his years of Hogwarts, I've protected him to the best of my abilities, this is just extra looking after.
The reason for what happened to me, if I was successful, every year it becomes more unbearable to be without her, even if she was never mine, I was hers, and I cannot do without her, every year I try this, and I always fail, for I, Severus Snape, fear death, and I won't even conquer it to be with her. Every unsuccessful attempt, makes me angrier with myself, so if I have failed once more, so be it, there will always be next year, I suppose… Aah, alas, the alcohol is clearing my way of thinking, this letter may not even make sense, I'm unsure, my vision is blurry at the moment, so I bid you all ado, and have a good life.
Harry folded the letter, turning as he heard a 'Ahem' noise, there stood at the door Albus, he gave a sad smile, "It's fine, Harry, I'm sure if he had… gotten his way, he would've wanted you to read it."
Harry put the letter on the table and turned to leave, stopping by the door, "Sir?"
"Yes, Harry?" Albus asked, walking over to the bed and taking a seat next to Severus' bedside.
"The letter… it said he attempted eleven times… correct?" Harry asked.
Albus nodded his head, "Yes, this would be the twelve."
"My parents have been dead for nineteen years. So…" Harry stopped, pondering on the years.
"Correct. Severus, yearly does this, except for seven years." Albus said, staring down at Severus' resting form.
"Those seven years were while I was at Hogwarts, weren't they?" he asked. Albus didn't answer, that was all the answer Harry needed though, he nodded his head, "Sir, I'd like to accept your offer as Defense against the Dark Arts Professor…"
Albus gave a sigh, "M'boy, it is true, when Severus saw you… or your Mother's eyes daily, he didn't do this, but that doesn't mean you give up your dream on being an Auror. We'll find Severus some help…"
Harry shook his head, they were quiet for a moment until Harry finally yawned, "I'll move into the chambers tomorrow." He said, walking out and heading towards Gryffindor Tower to sleep.
Albus sighed, "Of course you will," he said, giving a smile, his eyes twinkling as Severus moved slightly in his sleep, Albus placed his hand on Severus', and Severus' body relaxed and he opened his eyes, "Did you speak to her?"
Severus stared at the ceiling, his eyes dull. "Yes…" he croaked.
Albus nodded, "Good-night, Severus," he said, standing up and walking to the door, pausing, "She loved you, you know."
Severus gave a weak smile, "Yeah, she did," he replied as Albus closed the door, closing his eyes to drift into sleep and be with Lily for a few more hours until the sun rose and a new school year began.