One day, in the beautiful land of fanfiction, flowers were blooming and grass was growing and the sun was shining brightly upon this cliché beauty. Birds sang in the trees that were straight and tall in their glory. The battle was about to begin.
On one side of the field a tall, pale teenager with a chiseled face stood, his golden Gary Stu-ish eyes dark. There was a huge set of bleachers built up behind him that was absolutely packed with millions of girls. The girls were surprisingly quiet and focused, and their butts were hovering about an inch above their chairs. The teenager whom they were aiming their stares at had hair that was perfectly swooshed into a bouffant mane that didn't move even when hurricane-force winds swept through it. The teenager revealed his secret for sparkle-ness and rock-hard hair by quickly swishing a "Got2b Diva Fabulous Sparkle Spray" over his head and finishing with a fine mist of SuperGlue. There was screaming from the bleachers behind him. The fumes drifted to the ground and killed some of the bunnies that had been sleeping in a burrow underneath the teenager. Satisfied that his fashion sense was as noxious as ever, the teenager elegantly shaded his eyes and looked over at his adversary. The rabid fangirls in the bleachers behind him started to hyperventilate respectfully.
On the other side of the field, a short blond boy was loosening up. There was a set of bleachers behind him too, but the people sitting there seemed less crazy than the fangirls on the other side. There were some boys in these bleachers as well, distinguishing it from the other bleachers. The people in these bleachers were talking to each other, laughing and joking, and occasionally one of them would pull out their vampire voodoo dolls and would stab it ferociously with their sporks. There were some fangirls who were just as ridiculous as the ones on the other side, but those were quickly dug up and tossed onto the other side of the field by the blonde boy's security guard.
"Hey Ed!" the security guard shouted as he dragged a struggling fangirl off the bench. "You might want to hurry up and get it over with. The Risembool Rangers are getting aggressive." He dumped the girl onto the other side of the field and flew back, sweeping his gaze over the remaining people.
"Yeah yeah, don't rush me," the blonde boy answered, rotating his right arm. His blonde hair was pulled back into a braid, and his darker golden eyes were determined. They were also much more natural looking than his opponents' eyes, which were much too Gary Stuish. The author pulled herself together and attempted to continue her unbiased writing. "This'll be a piece of cake."
"THE CAKE IS A LIE!" the fangirls on the other side of the field screamed in unison. Everyone else winced; the security guard dropped the insane fangirl he was holding to put his hands over his ears. "I LUF YOU Edward Elric–!" the girl screamed as she plummeted. She mashed into the ground in a pancake shape. The people in the bleachers stared, then decided it wasn't really a waste and resumed their laid back conversations.
"Dark," Edward Elric sounded slightly annoyed. "I know it's tempting and all, but please don't kill off the fangirls."
"Not even the rabid ones? They might contaminate the rest of them…" Dark answered, his wings glinting in the strong sun. Some girls were building a set of bleachers next to the Edward Elric's, holding "Dark Mousy" signs. "Oh, it seems my fangirls have arrived as well. Excuse me." Dark flew over to the girls and started to flirt with them.
Elric rolled his eyes. The armor suit next to him shifted and asked, "Brother, do you think you can beat him?"
"Don't worry, I've had a grudge against this guy for a long time. There's no chance he'll win."
"Okay brother, but remember to not lose your temper when he calls you short."
"What? Do you think I'm stupid enough to do that?"
The armored suit was silent, and Edward hmphed. "We'll see who's shorter by the end of this!" he yelled.
"SQUISH HIM FLAT, ED!" the Risembool Rangers behind him chanted. "SQUISH HIM FLAT!"
"FRY HIM WITH YOUR SPARKLE POWER!" the fangirls behind the tall guy shouted. "BITE HIM WITH YOUR FANGS!"
"I don't have fangs; it would ruin my perfect teeth and therefore my overall perfectness," the glittery fairy vampire pointed out.
"Aww, come on!" Edward Elric grinned cockily. "What kind of vampire doesn't have fangs?"
On cue, the Risembool Rangers roared, "ONLY PANSY VAMPIRES DON'T HAVE FANGS!"
Count Dracula, who was wearing a red shirt with the words "RED DAWN" written across it, was jumping around furiously on top of the bleachers. "Give me my fangirls back! You don't deserve the title of vampire! Even Emmet was less Gary Stuish than you were!"
"Should I be offended?" Emmet asked Alice. They were hiding behind the vampire fangirl bleachers, avoiding being trampled by the rampage that was sure to ensue. Alice looked at him disinterestedly and shrugged her shoulders.
"You don't even drink real human blood!" Dracula continued to rant. "You're a shame to vampire-kind! You don't even have the guts -" here he grabbed one of the vampire-fangirls he'd kidnapped earlier and bit her throat open. "- to do this!" he finished, his mouth red with blood.
"Stop it! You're hurting his feelings!" some rabid vampire-fangirl shrieked across the field. The noise was ear piercingly loud, and several fangirls on both sides of the field went down, holding their newly pierced ears in wonder and agony. The owner of the voice, ran down the bleachers, screaming, "Edward! Oh, Edward! They're being so mean to you!"
"Bella, my love," the sparklepire answered as his special, unique, matchless soul mate cartwheeled down the stairs. "You should not be here, as this will likely be messy and bloody and would definitely ruin the delicacy of your soul."
"Oh Edward!" the girl swooned as the vampire carried her to the helicopter landing pad and began strapping her into a straightjacket. "I'm sure it will be okay! You won't even have to work hard, he's so small-"
"Who're you calling small!" Ed shrieked.
"Do not worry, my love," the glittering man said as his love was carried off by a very expensive and shiny helicopter. "This is for your own safety!"
Meanwhile, a schmancy military car had cruised up right next to the red-cloaked blonde, and Colonel Mustang leaned out. "Fullmetal, I trust you not to die."
"Hah! Don't insult me!" Fullmetal rubbed his hands together, grinning evilly and gleefully, which made several Risembool Rangers die from nosebleeds. The Mini Skirts Army booed and hissed as they drove away. The remaining Rangers blew raspberries at them.
"There's no time for them!" the armor yelled, waving his arms. "We can have another dodgeball tournament after brother finishes here!"
"Yeah! Get on with it!" all the fangirls screamed. The fanboys, whose population was centered around the smaller fighter, all shrugged and screamed too.
The battle finally started, mainly because the author had run out of ideas for making fun of the vampires. Dramatic music played in the background as the Edward Cullen went to stand on his starting block and Edward Elric quickly tied back his hair. Cullen waited for Elric to make the first move.
"Come on, you vampire!" Ed jeered, starting to run towards him. "Time to prove that your name is wrong!"
"Don't be stupid," Edward Cullen hissed, dodging all of the blonde boys' attacks. "I'm supernaturally fast, strong, and sparkly – what chance have you against me?"
"Urk!" Fullmetal urked as the vampire moved his hand slightly and socked him in the stomach. He skidded backwards a few feet, eyeing his opponent with new respect. He spit to the side, hearing Izumi screaming behind him.
"Don't you dare let him beat you!" she roared, sitting on her husband's shoulder. Sig grunted and gave Ed a thumbs up.
As Ed spat to the side, the vampire suddenly appeared before him, his hair still unruffled. 'Damn, he's faster than –!' The young alchemist barely managed to duck a blow from the century old bloodsucker, his confidence turning into determination. "Would – you – stop – dodging!" he huffed as he punched the air around his enemy. He definitely wasn't used to being slower than anyone.
"I can read your actions before you even do them," the vampire monotoned, shifting so quickly to avoid the blows that you couldn't tell he'd moved. "Your mind is an open book to me."
"What are you talking about?" Ed ducked and sprang backwards, distancing himself from Edward Cullen. The vampire shrugged, and sparklies floated around him. Ed eyed them distrustfully. "You took those from Armstrong, didn't you?"
"NONSENSE, EDWARD ELRIC!" a voice boomed across the field. Ed vaguely made out a huge mass of muscle posing in front of his bleachers. "THESE SPARKLES HAVE BEEN PASSED DOWN THE ARMSTRONG FAMILY FOR GENERATIONS! NO NOOB VAMPIRE COULD HAVE STOLEN THEM!"
"I can read minds," Cullen answered Elric's initial question. He jumped right in front of the youngest alchemist, startling the heck out of him. Ed hadn't even seen a blur. "And my glitteriness is just one more of the deadly things about me." Both Edwards resumed slapping and jabbing the air around each other's faces. "I'm the perfect human predator. Everything about me lures them in-" He was cut off as his opponent clapped his hands together and slapped the ground beneath him. "What are you doing-" He saw it in his mind as soon as the Earth started moving. "!"
"I got bored of your monologue," Edward Elric explained, shrugging his shoulders. "Nobody likes clinically depressed people." He inspected the rock dome he'd transmuted over the vampire. "Not bad, not bad at all…"
There was a huge dramatic tumble of rock, pebbles, and grains of sand. The vampire had punched his way through the rock wall in under a minute.
"Jeez!" Edward Elric yelled as the vampire launched him into the sky. "Come on, that was a freaking rock wall! How Gary Stu can you get?" The Risembool Rangers booed and hissed.
"What are you talking about? This is nothing." The vampire caught him as he fell and swung him into the sky again.
"Rrrrr!" Fullmetal growled as he was shot into the clouds. He crested over the top of a fluffy white one and plunged back through it towards his enemy. Cullen was preparing to continue his game of toss-an-Ed, and moved to intercept him. Ed had a brief flashback of Scar and gritted his teeth.
Hmm, Edward Cullen thought. I wonder who that dark skinned, red eyed man it is he is thinking about. What's so good about him? This thought process took as long as it took for Elric to finish falling to earth. Cullen flung him up again. That man has a tattoo… I wonder if it means something…
"Don't let him beat you, Ed!" Pinako yelled, her bun dripping natto all over the stands. A Risembool Ranger kindly lent her his bull-horn, and Pinako jumped up, shrieking like a banshee. "Show that vampire how much power good home cooking has!"
"All right, all right!" Ed snarled, thinking hard. As he plummeted towards Cullen, he clapped his hands and quickly stuck them in the vampire's face.
What- The vampire exploded all over the field.
"NOOOOO!" screamed the Cullen fans. Some of them fell from their seats, slavering with horror. The Risembool Rangers on the other side of the field cheered and quickly tossed lighters and torches down to the field.
"You have to burn the pieces!" They screamed. And it was true. The vampire shreds began to wriggle and twitch towards each other.
"Eww!" Ed shivered and flicked a gray piece of vampire off of his skin. A flaming wrench hit him in the face.
"Hurry up Ed!" a Winry cosplayer cheered from somewhere in the mass of red-clad Rangers. Edward muttered something incoherent and most likely insulting about Winry cosplayers in general and started to pick up the mess he had made.
Hello my lovelies! I know I didn't post anything for like, ever, but I'm here now... my Zutara story died. I'm so sorry.