CHAPTER - 1 STILL THE SAME

"Bella! Have you finished packing your stuff?", my mom called out loud.

I was moving back to Forks in order to spend the rest of my life with my dad, Charlie.

"Coming mom!" I shouted back.

I sighed to myself. I was going back to the place where..where.. he left me.
I sobbed. My knees gave out…
3 years. It had my friggin' 3 YEARS since he left me.
I'd be as if I never existed. These mere words kept haunting me for the past 3 years since my horrendous 18th birthday.

The black mass of heartbreak began seeping into my skin. I refused to let it. I didn't want my mom to find an excuse for me to stay here in Florida. I didn't want her to suffer with me. I took one last look after my bedroom before saying goodbye forever.

Goodbye, Bella. I wrenched myself from my past. I had plenty of time to suffer later.

Phil and my mom were waiting near the car. They knew I was not mentally present with them. My mom gave me one of those 'Are – You – OK?" looks. I looked down. Even my hare-brained mother knew I wasn't myself anymore. Sometimes I thought if she thought I was a disappointment for her.
You aren't good enough for me. I slammed the car door shut and closed my eyes.
The car ride to the airport was short. My mom asked me to keep in touch with her always.
When the final call for the passengers of the flight to Forks was called, I took my baggage and stood up.
"I want you to know that no matter what happens, I still love you Bella", my mom said. I swallowed the sob that threatened to escape me. "I love you too mom" I said.

I waved bye and headed off. The flight journey seemed short.

Charlie, like the last time I arrived in Forks gave me an awkward one armed hug. "Good to see you Bells" he said.

"You too dad" I replied. Charlie frowned. He knew I still zombie-Bella. It was extremely silent on the drive home. Without a word, I took my stuff and headed upstairs. I reached out towards the door knob and every single memory I tried to keep locked forever smashed out. Him on my bed, him talking about his family, his cold arms around and the most painful memory, his last kiss on my bed.

I opened the door slowly, as if anticipating he was on the other side. I started crying when I saw that everything was exactly how I left it. The numb sensation began to take over me. The baggage slipped out of hands. Charlie didn't come up. Maybe he knew this would happen to me. I slammed the door and went over to my bed and slumped down on one side.

I cried and cried for god knows how long. He wanted me to move on. But I couldn't. I just possibly could not break away from him. Even though he does not want me, I would always want him. My own drug.

The pain was taking over me, consuming every cell as it progressed. I let it. It was the only remainder that he was real and that I had not dreamed the whole thing. I tried to move on. But every time I tried, it was like an invisible string pulled me back. The main reason why I had come back to Forks was because I wanted to be in the place I loved the most in my 21 years before I die.

Die… It sounded beautiful to me a few years ago. And now it seems inevitable.

I was dying. I was diagnosed with leukemia 3 months back and the doctor said I had 6 months. The estimated date of my death was my birthday. 13th September.
In a strange way, I wanted to die to escape from the pain. I gave a harsh laugh. I wanted to be in pain and yet I wanted to escape it. Ironic.
Even after all this suffering, one thing became clear. I tried to reason why I couldn't move on. Why I couldn't love other men.

The answer came a long time later.

I could not possibly move on because I still loved him.