Hello...

Hello, tiny... me. Or her, whichever you are, you could be either. Hey, thinking about it, I suppose you know, right, by now? Which one you are? Maybe, you could sort of- clue me in. Let me know. Obviously you can't talk right now, but Chell says you can hear all sorts of things- half the reason I'm doing this in the first place, although to be honest I'm amazed you can hear me in there at all, with all that stuff in the way. Even with me doing this. Can't really talk any louder, sorry, don't want to wake her up, to be honest I feel enough of a wally lying here talking to her stomach as it is, without her being awake as well.

So, so maybe you could do your thing- you know, kick, if you're a little her. If you're a tiny little version of your mum in there. Kick.

Nnnnnow.

Nothing. Ah. Suppose that means you're a little... me, then. Little Wheatley. Yes? Again, kick, let me know. Please.

See, again, nothing. You're- you're not the talkative type, are you? Clearly. Maybe you are a little her. She's not much of a one for talking, your mum, but-

Listen, if- if it is me you're going to take after, you've got to promise to listen to her, alright? Everything she says. All the time. Being brutally honest, here, it's going to be about all you'll have going for you, so you're going to need to get right on that, straight out of the gate. Listening to your mother. Very important.

Oh... I really do not want to mess this one up.

Your mum's- well, she's- she's one in a million. Actually, technically speaking, she's one in ten thousand, which is sort of half of what's bothering me. She's- she's flipping everything to me. That's about the size of it, so... I don't want to let her down. Got- got a bit of a track record, in that area. Plus, all this is sort of my fault. Birds and bees and all that. I will admit that did sort of take some explaining, she did have to do a little bit towards getting me up to speed on the whole... issue, after the fact- a diagram may have been involved- but I do get it, I am putting my hand up to that one. My doing. Me.

And- and, I just thought, what if you don't like me?

Oh, God, wish I hadn't thought of that. No. I mean, we haven't exactly got off to a very good start, have we? Seems like every time I start talking to you, you kick me. Clearly, trying to tell me something. Never let it be said that I don't know how to take a hint. I mean, I'm grateful it's just kicking, you know, could be worse, like that job I had in Positronics that time, where they stuck me on that thing by the door and I was supposed to count everyone going in and out of the department. Yeah, know what you're thinking, sounds a bit boring, but nothing too horrendous, could be quite nice, really- and you'd be right, it had its perks. I got to know everyone coming in and out, went that extra mile and took it upon myself to say hello when they came in, let 'em know what was going on, bit of conversation, when they left I was like, oh, you're off, then, make sure you sign out on the thingy, see you same time tomorrow, etcetera. Yep. Not bad at all, really. Uh... right up to the point when for some reason they decided they were going to stick this thing on me that gave me a shock every time I said anything that wasn't a number. Was not fun, I can tell you. Least you're not doing that.

Mind you, would be a bit worrying if you could do that. Would certainly raise a few eyebrows, amazing electric shock-administering baby, little taser tot, haha. Still- at this rate, just with the kicking, when you're actually born I'm probably going to have to go round with shinguards on. Cricket pads, could get a couple of them, or just tie a couple of really tiny little pillows to your feet, if she'll let me get away with that...

Just... just wish I knew what it was that was getting on your nerves, that's all. Just me, probably, right? Just my voice.

Haven't told her this, but... what with her being asleep right now and everything, this can be our secret. Since, obviously, you're not going to tell on me. Well, unless you are a small her, in which case you and her can probably communicate through Morse Code or something by now, anyway. Terrifying thought. Hey, don't- really don't- tell on me, right? Okay? Don't grass on your dad.

Oh, wow, I-I haven't actually ever said that out loud before. Your dad. I'm your-

Right, that was my ear you just kicked me in, thanks, hint taken, get to the point. The point- the point is- and you might have figured this out by now, but either way, seriously, don't tell her this- I'm rubbish at this.

Babies.

You're- you're alright at the moment, in there, you're well out of it. It's when you get out here, that's what I'm worried about, that's when it's all going to go down. S-see, I know about babies. Told her I didn't, but I was lying. I do. They're these sort of little grey things with big wobbly heads and you put a foot wrong and they get these big sad red faces and they make this noise-

You can't switch 'em off and you can't talk 'em out of it. It just keeps going and going- forever. Well- well, maybe not forever, but it bloody well seems like it. You can't even hack them- they're tamper-proof. I mean, it turned out there was a way to keep them quiet, keep their green happy faces on, but they never told me the secret, hah, no, why would they tell me? Just- just left me to it. Watched me panic. Loved that, probably. Let's all watch the little sphere freaking out 'cause it's supposed to be keeping the test baby units all calm in storage only it can't get 'em to shut up, hilarious. Comedy gold. I mean at least there's- there's only going to be one of you, but-

-but you're really important, aren't you? First time you get a big sad red face, she's going to know right away, she's going to know I'm about as much use with you as a chocolate bicycle and then what? I'm supposed to be helping her with you! I mean, it's bad enough you're stopping her from being able to pick up heavy things and, and slowing her down and making her throw up and eat tons of broccoli for some reason, why broccoli I can not even begin to fathom but, you know, long as she's happy with it- but the point is, she doesn't need to be saddled with you twenty-four-seven once you're actually here, just 'cause I'm-

Fine, yeah, alright, kick me in the nose. Probably deserve it.

Do- d'you think we can make some sort of deal? Is that a possibility? Yes? Oh, that'd be brilliant, if we could do that. Something like... you, right, when you come out- and there's no rush! No rush, definitely, you're supposed to stop right where you are for a few more months at least- but when you do come out, you pretend I'm amazing with you, right, don't do the, the sad noisy thing when she's watching, and- and-

See, this is where the whole 'deal' idea gets tricky, because I don't have a clue what you want. Don't have much to bargain with. All the test babies seemed to want was me not anywhere near them- quite prophetic of them, really, as it turned out, but-

-oh, I shouldn't have told you that, should I? No. Not really building your confidence in me, there, probably. Look, if it helps, it- it wasn't my fault, alright? Not technically, technically I was absolutely in the clear on that one. I-I was just desperate, and the only time they ever shut up was when they were recharging, and- and nobody told me you could overload the charging circuit, alright? Like I said, nobody told me anything. I was just trying to make it look like I was good with them, but-

I'm- I'm scared, tiny little me-or-her. I'm terrified, matter of fact, there, I said it, I'm bloody terrified. I just- I just want to keep you all, you know, green and happy- I just- well- I just want to be a good dad, really, a- an amazing one, the best- but when I think about the test babies I end up thinking how probably the best thing I could do for you is not be anywhere near you. Except I can't, categorically cannot do that, because that'd be letting her down, so- so either way I'm sort of stuffed. She's counting on me to get this right.

I've- I've never had anyone counting on me before.

Ow- alright, look, I wish you'd stop kicking, I get it, you've made your point. Seriously, you're going to wake her up if you carry on like this, and like I said, I have no idea what you want. Just calm your jets, you're not going anywhere for a good long time yet. J-just cool it there, alright, missy? If you are a- a missy. Calm down.

I wish I knew how to calm you down. The test babies, turns out, you're supposed to play 'em music, but I couldn't even have done that if I'd known. I'm not a bloody turret, it's not like I had a, a whole catalogue of easy-listening tunes ready to go in the old hard-drive back then. I can't even whistle! See?

FFffffff.

I-I don't even know what sort of music babies are supposed to like. Jazz? Everyone likes jazz, right? Hey, I could put the radio on, that might- oh-oh, wait, no, no, scratch that, I can't move. I can't move, she's going to wake up-

-Phew, well, she didn't, but that was a bloody close shave and I think we can safely say that moving's off the agenda. She needs all the rest she can get, you know. Thanks to you. Well- me, ultimately I am the culprit here, as I said. She needs rest, thanks to you, because of me- nonono, no, stop, I'm sorry, shhhh-shhhhh, didn't mean to hurt your- your feelings- look, if I knew any appropriate songs, rest assured, I would definitely be taking a shot at it for you. Sort of- child-related- calming-

There's- there's one I sort of remember.

Bear with me. Don't really remember how it starts, got a kind of- hmm-hmmm- like that- sort of nice little tune, and something about... a- a whistle. Some sort of whistle, anyway. Heyhey give me a chance, I'm trying, alright, I'm trying to remember- so, there's all these little babies, and they're all off somewhere- and... a train? Ohhh, that would make sense, it's a train whistle, isn't it? That's what that's about! And, and there's a driver, and all sorts, and they're off...

Hmmm-mmmm, something, riding...

Off along the... something see, I don't remember where they're supposed to be going. But that's alright! That's fine, it's somewhere nice, and it's a nice trip- that's backed up by, by evidence, in the song, actually, there's a bit about it raining. which, urrrgh, rain, unpleasant, plus hell on the electricals, but! Here's the thing, it's alright, because this train is totally waterproof. Epoxy-sealed, presumably. Brilliant. So it's like...

Maybe it is raining, where the train'll ride,
But all the little travellers are warm and safe inside...
Something, something, riding,
Out along the bay- that's it! That's the thing, it's a bay! Oh, magical. Alright, we're halfway there. Sorry about the tune, by the way, we're having some technical difficulties at the moment in terms of actual tune, but I'm sure I'll manage to stick to just the one in a minute- where were we?

Hmm-hmmm-mmm the bay,
All bound for... aaaahhh, I nearly had it then. Never mind, forge ahead, adversity is the sword on which I sharpen my whatsit and all that.

All bound for somewhere-or-the-other,
Many miles away! Rhymes! Ha! We are cooking now. And you seem to have settled down a bit in there, good, hang in there, we're making definite progress. Next part's just a bit of a weather update, nothing particularly sensational happens as far as I remember.

Somewhere there is sunshine,
Somewhere there is day,
Somewhere there is... thingyplace...
Many miles away- ah, I meant to do that, do a key-change, there. I-it's a music thing, adds... chromatic... er... tension.
Something, rolling, riding,
Out along the bay,
All bound for... you know, it's ridiculous that I can't remember that. I-I used to love this song, you know, I did, you'd think I'd flipping remember where the train was going, it's only the most important plot point in the whole piece. I've even got the shape of it in my head here, something with a big rrr and a sor- ow! Oh, come on, I thought you were calmi-

Wait, hang on, hang on, ow! Ow, that's it, owwwn- town- somethingtow-

Morningtown! That's where they were going! Morningtown! You- you solved it! Tremendous! Oh... that deserves a hi-five. Here- look, I'm putting my hand here, on your mum's stomach, just sort of- there you go. Nicely done. More sort of hi...foot, really, a lo-five, but stick to your strengths, that's a good lesson, there. Lesson from your dad.

Somewhere there is sunshine,
Somewhere there is day,
Somewhere there is- wait for it- Morningtown,
Many miles away. I'm really getting the hang of this! Alright, alright, wrapping it up, big finish-
Rocking, rolling, riding,
Out along the bay,
All bound for Morningtown,
Many miles away...

Ta-daa! That's it, that's the end. Not bad, hey? And- ohh, you've gone all quiet! No kicking at all. It- I think it worked! I think... I think you're actually asleep. Asleep, both of you, you and your mum.

I did that, I did. Me.

Your dad.

You know, maybe...

Maybe I can do this. It can't be that hard, can it? Right? If you promise to give me a bit of a hand. Or, or foot, in your case. I mean, you're- you're tiny, but I can tell you're certainly going to take after your mum in the brains department. And, and anyway, it's not actually the end of the world, being little, you know. Not if someone's got your back. Which I absolutely have.

Teamwork.

Encore? Ha. Do not mind if I do. It's actually... pretty sort of comfy here with you two, even if I am stuck- I'm getting some definite sort of sleep-modey-type feelings myself, now, but I'm not... not going to drift off just yet, don't worry.

Rocking, rolling, riding,
Out along the bay,
All bound for... Morningtown,
Many... miles... away...