The Widow Malfoy

Summary: When Buffy is forced into a magical marriage, she makes them regret it.

Challenge: maybe kinda "1339: Manipulating the Marriage Law - for Myself" by Lucinda.

Timeline: post-'Chosen' for BtVS; post-Goblet of Fire for HP.

Warning: grey Buffy and Scoobies; can't say I blame them though.

A/N: You might need to do some suspension of disbelief at the end, but I had to do it for crackfic goodness. I probably shouldn't have written anything while I had homework to do, but Musie wanted a treat for leaving me alone the last couple weeks.

Thanks to my betas: none this time.

Disclaimer: BtVS and AtS characters belong to Joss Whedon / Mutant Enemy. HP characters belong to JK Rowling. I claim no rights to any copyrighted material. Please do not copy or take this story without my permission.

Minister Fudge's office

If looks could kill, there would be several fewer wizards in the world right now. Buffy wasn't against doing it the hard way either.

"Since you are essentially the property of the Watchers Council, Director Travers had every right to sell you into a marriage contract," the head skeeze intoned pompously. Why did he have to have a name that was one of her favorite treats? Now Buffy wouldn't be able to enjoy the chocolate goodness of fudge without thinking of this creep. "Unfortunately, he and the rest of the old Council perished before he could deliver you to us, and without his help, we wouldn't have been able to find you in America. Thankfully, when you landed in England, we were able to lock onto your location and retrieve you."

Buffy wished that she could ask Willow to bring Travers back from the dead so she could rip him apart, inch by inch for this. The irony was that the wards he bought from these wizards had only managed to protect the Council's library. The rest of the building wasn't so lucky.

But as happy as she was that Giles and Willow had lots of books for their new Council, Buffy wasn't happy to be the payment for them.

Oh, the guy she was supposed to marry wasn't exactly hideous or anything. He could even be considered sexy by some people. It did seem a little wrong that he had hair as long as hers – and blonder as well. The problem was the look in his eyes; it wasn't as bad as Angelus, but it was evil just the same.

"Before I accept her, I want a medi-witch to examine her and assure me that she can bear me children," sneery, evil-eyed wizard declared haughtily. Buffy almost wished that she couldn't have kids since that seemed to be the easiest way out of this mess…that didn't involve bloodshed.

Willow was begging her through their mental link to remain calm until they could figure out a way out that didn't burn the bridge with possible allies. Buffy had to wonder if it were Willow who was labeled a magical creature and subject to wizarding laws if the redhead would be so calm. Thank goodness Buffy was the only Slayer to have come to England on this trip; they'd have to make sure the rest of the girls avoided this area like the plague in the future. At least until they could figure out a way around this stupid law.

While they waited for the medi-witch to finish her examination, Lucius Malfoy thought about how he ended up in this situation. As punishment for claiming to be under the Imperious curse, the Dark Lord killed both Narcissa and Draco, leaving the Malfoy estate in danger of being without an heir if Lucius were to die. Afterwards, he found out that it wasn't only because he needed to be punished; the Dark Lord knew about the marriage contract with the Slayer and wanted her under his control.

With the Malfoy money and a Slayer as a wife, nobody who was neutral in the war would dare oppose Lucius when he 'decided' to become the Minister. Even though she was a creature, a Slayer was feared more than anything – even Dark Lords. It didn't matter that they had short lifespans; if a wizard were to harm a Slayer, she or her successor would hunt him down and kill him, his family and anyone associated with him. At least that was the story passed down from generation to generation. No wizard had seen a Slayer in the past 500 years.

On their wedding night, Lucius was to give her a fertility potion and get her pregnant. They would hold her with either the Imperious curse or with magically enhanced manacles until she delivered. While she was pregnant, they would study the source of her power and see if they could duplicate it for their Lord's sake.

Once she gave birth, she might be impregnated again for a back-up heir or turned into a plaything for the Death Eaters who had the Dark Lord's approval. Chances were she would end up the Dark Lord's plaything, though.

Lucius was pleased she was rather attractive – apart from the horrid muggle clothing she wore. He had been worried she would look like a female version of the Goyle boy who used to flutter around his son. It would make it easier to have sex with her if he didn't have to imagine somebody better looking.

Knowing that she had to figure out how to make this work in their favor before Buffy killed somebody, Willow tapped into a little of her darker magick so she could learn everything about the Wizarding World in a matter of minutes instead of weeks or months doing it the hard way. Her mind processed inheritance laws and even got a glimpse of how most of this world viewed those from outside – muggles was the polite term.

She did a spell on her eyes so she could check the left arms of the wizards in the room. One of the things she learned from her download was the story of Voldemort and his followers, the Death Eaters. It didn't really shock her that the man who wanted to buy Buffy's marriage contract from the Minister had one of the tattoos that signified the bad guys. Maybe someday – far, far, far in the future – they could have a good laugh about Buffy attracting another evil guy. That could only happen if she got Buffy out of this unscathed.

The wizards' prejudice and ignorance of the muggle world could work in their favor. As long as they did this right, Buffy would come out of this with some money, a title and power in this world.

Lucius was deeply annoyed he had to promise anything in exchange for Buffy's acceptance of the marriage contract; he owned the bint after all. However, the Dark Lord wanted her compliant – at least until she was under their control. Once she was pregnant with Lucius' child, they could punish her for her insolence.

Speaking for Buffy, Giles gave their list of demands, "If her husband dies before an heir is born, Buffy is to be given control of his estate and any positions he holds in the Wizarding World."

Even though he wanted to throw the Cruciatus at these filthy muggles, Lucius stopped himself from doing just that. He could feel the Dark Lord reminding him that the Slayer's lifespan would ensure that she never outlived him. "Done," he growled out much to Minister Fudge's surprise.

Giles nodded his approval at a man who wanted to kill him. That was okay with the Watcher; he wanted to kill Malfoy as well. "The wedding night is to be spent at the Leaky Cauldron so Buffy can spend the next morning with her family. Call it one last goodbye for her," Ripper added for incentive in case the wizard hesitated.

Groaning inwardly at the thought of having to stay at the disgusting establishment overnight, Lucius couldn't think of a good reason to refuse it – especially since it would be the last time his bride saw the people from her old life. "Done."

A week later…

A quick ceremony at Malfoy Mansion and the newlyweds journeyed to the Leaky Cauldron for their 'reception'. Lucius and his Death Eater cohorts stood at one end of the bar while Buffy talked with her friends. Willow slipped away to set up the room for their plan. Maybe what they were planning should have bothered them more, but honestly, they knew that if they didn't do this, Buffy would probably be killed or worse the next day.

When she got back to the bar, Willow nodded to the blonde Slayer, who started a scene with Xander.

"Put that away, Xander," Buffy hissed. "If my beloved husband were to see that, all he would have to do is make sure it covered my mouth and nose and he would be able to control me in the bedroom," she spat, adding extra venom to the word 'beloved'. She couldn't exactly pretend she was suddenly happy about the marriage or it would be suspicious.

Xander attempted to put it in his pocket, supposedly not noticing when it fell out a few seconds later. He and Buffy walked away to talk to Giles as soon as it did, both struggling to keep straight faces.

A rat-ish wizard snapped it up and ran it over to Lucius, whispering something in his ear. Lucius looked down at the object – something muggle so he didn't understand what it was. Too bad Snape wasn't there; maybe he would be able to explain it. Oh well, anything to control that blonde creature so she didn't rip off his family jewels.

A couple hours later…

A scream pierced the air from the room of Mr. and Mrs. Malfoy. Several witches and wizards broke into the room with their wands drawn. They found a seemingly hysterical Slayer bending over Lucius Malfoy, pushing on his chest and breathing into his mouth. When she saw the crowd, she curled up into a ball and started to cry.

In accordance to his publicly known preferences, a pureblood medi-witch was fetched. The blue tinge on his lips was unusual, but when she checked for poisons, none were found.

Meanwhile, Buffy was giving a performance worthy of an Oscar – if these people knew what one was – as she sobbed out her story to the Aurors, "We were…well, you know, and he suddenly grabbed his left arm, then collapsed! I tried to give him CPR but it just didn't work! Just how old was he anyway? I mean, a guy shouldn't have a heart attack when he has sex unless there's something wrong with him!"

While the wizard people were running around like chickens with their heads cut off, Buffy looked at Willow and gave a slight nod. 'Thanks for the gas mask, Wills. The laughing gas was probably too nice of a death for that monster, but it obviously managed what it was supposed to. Stupid purebloods for thinking that a muggle couldn't kill them without violence!' she snarked through the mental link.

As much as the Death Eater purebloods wanted to have the Slayer arrested for murder, there was no sign that she killed him. He had no marks on him and there wasn't any sign of magick in the room, wand-based or otherwise. The only anomaly was the open window, but it was spelled to only allow air or an owl in or out of the room. If an owl had come in the room within the past 6 hours, it would leave a magical signature.

To make matter worse, Malfoy had Fudge quietly removed as the Minister just before the ceremony and was voted in by a narrow margin of the Wizengamot to be the new Minister of Magic. Because of the stipulations of his betrothal, Buffy Summers-Malfoy, a muggle Slayer, held a seat on the governing board of Hogwarts and more importantly she was the new Minister of Magic!

A/N: So, what did you think of my grey Slayer & Scoobies?