Sorry …

A tribute to Ran and Shinichi.

Disclaimer: I do NOT own Detective Conan. All rights go to Aoyama Gosho

Song: Sorry seems to be the hardest word by Elton John



It's sad…

I called her name but my voice was drowned by the howling wind. She was still there. Every year, she would be standing there underneath the oak tree where I made my promise to her that I would come back. She would stand there, rain or shine, her eyes never once leave the dirt pavement, the only path to the ancient tree. I reached out to her but I can't touch her.

So sad... It's a sad, sad situation…

Her eyes, which were usually mellow had lost all its shine. They were glassy, threatening to break under the slightest pressure. Behind the glass surface, an entire pool of water was waiting to burst out. Those weren't the eyes I remembered seeing. The life, the happiness, it was all gone. The only feature of her eyes that remained the same was the hope. Hope. The hope that she held on to for all these years. The belief that I would come back was her saving grace from a broken heart. She held onto that belief. That belief was her lifeline.

And it's getting more and more absurd…

Why? I cursed. Why can't she let me go?

It have been years since I made that promise. Since we both promised. Is it the promise that she's holding on to? Is she holding on to her promise or mine? She should have felt it. She should have known I would never come back. But maybe she is holding onto her promise. Her promise that she would wait. Her word that she would wait for me forever, no matter how long it takes for me to return.

But what if I can never return? Will she still be waiting?

Part of me wants her to wait. Part of me wants her to give up and move on. If she moves on, will she forget me? Will I become just another memory? Or will she forget me completely, to save herself from the pain of betrayal and lost. Will I become just a boy in her pictures- not moving, not alive? This conflicting emotions. They were the one who was still holding me here. And it is also her wish to see me again that is keeping me here. I should have left a long time ago.

It's sad, so sad, why can't we talk it over?

No matter how much I call her, she can't hear me. This disability of not being able to talk to her, to reach out to her, to wipe away her tears, it's frustrating. It brings a lump in my throat. It brings long-lost tears to my eyes. She never speaks of me. She never talk to me anymore. She doesn't feel me when I'm so close. I don't know what she thinks of me, what is her feelings anymore. Her emotions were masked by that pale face of hers. The only emotion that she was portraying now is hope. That was the only emotion she shows.


I tried to shout her name again, hoping that she would hear me. Again, the hope was extinguished by the wind just like how a candle fire could be extinguished by the merest breath. Tears started to sting my eyes. This wasn't the first time. I can't touch her any longer. I'm so close. Yet I'm still so far. I can't be reached to any longer.

Oh and it seems to me, sorry seems to be the hardest word…

"Ran… I'm sorry…"

I stammered my apology again for the umpteenth time. It's useless. She can never hear me. Why can't she hear my apology? Why! I needed her to hear it! Otherwise, it feels like I'm apologising to air. I am apologising to air. I have been apologising to air for so many years. I was never apologising to her. Why is 'sorry' so hard to be heard? I could say it so many times but never once have she heard it. She will never forgive me and I will never be relieved of this dull ache in my heart. She will never know about how I feel. She will never hear me speak again. I could hear her talk but she will never be able to hear me.

Tears sprung out from my eyes, unable to be held back any longer. They trickled down my face leaving marks of sadness and hurt. I didn't bother to wipe them away. No one will be able to see them anyway. I gulped down the lump in my throat but it just came back up again. Ran's eyes were still looking on that dirt path. Her eyes never left it. Dressed simply in a cotton shirt and shorts, she would freeze in this ferocious wind. But she never shivered. She was too intent on the dirt path to bother about the cold. Her hands and lips were turning blue.

Then she looked at her watch. It's already midnight. Ran's hand dropped to her side and she began to shiver. She gave the oak tree one fleeting glance before turning her back on it. She walked down the dirt path, her eyes down casted. I know that she would be back next year. She will walk back to this oak tree again and she will wait again. She will wait forever for me, the very person that can never come back.

It's my turn to leave. I watched her from above as she walked down the path and hailed a late-night taxi. My eyes followed the taxi until it vanished from my view. My time has come to leave. It had been twelve years. Twelve years since the clash between the Black Organization and I. They were destroyed and so was I. I left my body the day that the organization was brought to justice. Although I was without skin, I can't leave. She was keeping me here and I don't want to leave her until she moves on.

The tears finally stopped and I looked back to the spot where Ran would always stand, waiting for me.

"I love you Ran…"


Please review… This is my first songfic. I will appreciate all comments.