Title: "Can you blame him? You used to dress sexy back then."
Pairing: Claire/Phil Dunphy
Disclaimer: I don't own Modern Family. If I did there would be copious amounts of flashbacks
Summary: Claire's afternoon is interrupted by an unexpected visitor
A/N: So, this is my first official Modern Family fanfiction. It's the first of many more, especially if this is received well! There's a serious lack of fiction in the fandom, and I decided it was time someone did something about it.
It started out as a pretty normal afternoon for Claire Dunphy. Haley was at a play-date over at the neighbors and Alex was laying down for her nap. Maybe now she could make herself a cup of tea and watch the movie she rented from Blockbuster last weekend. She had intended to wheedle Phil into watching it with her, but between end of school activities for Haley and something called 'Sizzling Summer Sweeps' in Phil's office, she hadn't had time where they were both awake or free enough to convince him.
"What am I gonna do, rent it again?" Claire said sarcastically as she brought her tea with her into the TV room. There was a part of her that was always saying 'make the most out of any purchase'. She never liked to admit to herself that it sounded like her dad every time. Popping the tape in and settling down with her tea, she decided that if the movie was good enough, shed talk Phil into it over dinner. Of course, making his favorite dessert, ice-cream popcorn couldn't hurt any. It was funny, Claire thought. Most couples shared wine and a movie, while they shared inventive food concoctions. Then she had to laugh, imagining sharing a bowl of ice-cream popcorn over a bottle of Pinot Noir. Or would a white wine go better? She chuckled to herself at that picture just as she heard the door open. Maybe Phil was home early and he would watch the movie with her.
"Honey, I'm home!" She heard ring cheerfully from the front door. Except, that wasn't Phil's voice she heard from the hall; it was definitely male, but younger. Dear God, she hoped it wasn't-
"Hey hey hey Mrs. D, how's the foxy momma of el casa de Dunphy doing?" Kenneth Bluth. The weird kid from next door.
"Hello Kenneth, how are you today," Claire monotoned, all illusions of watching her movie in peace shattered.
"I'm doing fine, but obviously not as fine as you," he said, his gaze casually drifting to her breasts. Just as she began to catch on to the path of his vision, Phil walked in.
"Hey honey," he said, walking in nonchalantly and giving her a quick peck. "Alex down for a nap?"
"Yeah she's been asleep about 30 minutes."
"Great maybe now you'll get a shower before 6pm," he remarked obliviously with a smile. She scoffed at his embarrassing comment before changing the subject to the more pressing matter at hand.
"Uh, honey, what is Kenneth doing here?"
"Oh well I saw him trying to put together a really cool kite when I was pulling in the drive and I thought 'does this world need another boring average kite?' No! When people see something soaring in the sky they want to be dazzled and amazed! So I'm getting some supplies from the box of crafts in the garage and he and I are gonna make the kite of the future! After all, two heads are better than one right?"
"Right, right," Claire automatically agreed. The years with Phil had taught her to only take in the highlights of his tangents. "But honey, why is he in the house?" She asked, her tone implying that Kenneth was a dog prone to accidents rather than a twelve year-old boy.
"Sweetie not so loud," Phil admonished, leading her into the kitchen. "I invited Kenneth in because told me his sister was in his with her boyfriend and she had locked him out of the house. The least I could do was offer him a chance at some air conditioning."
"Well okay, I just don't like the creepy way he looks at me."
"Oh honey he just looks up to you."
"Yeah with everything but his eyes," she retorted.
"Claire, you're being ridiculous. Look at you," Phil said, giving he a once over. "You are amazingly sexy. If I was twelve years old I'd stare at you too."
"Okay that's just weird."
"You're weird," he shot back, bringing her into a hug. "And you smell nice too. So you did shower today," he all but whispered, nuzzling her neck. "I wish I had been there…" He whispered in her ear some of the things he would have liked to do with her, and Claire felt her face grow hot. Before she knew it they were kissing fervently, Phil stroking her ears while she snaked her fingers into his hair, Kenneth Bluth far from her mind.
Her eyes drifted open for a moment, and all too soon she realized that Kenneth was leering at them from the entryway to the kitchen. She jumped back from her husband with a shout.
"What? What's wrong!" He tried to ask before Claire started throwing things.
"It's him!" She pointed over Phil's shoulder. "That freak!" he ducked as baby bottle sailed past his head. "I told you!" Next, a box of cheerios became airborne.
"Claire! Claire calm down!" Phil tried to shout over her, seeing Kenneth was her target and trying to block him from anything else Claire might throw.
"Get him OUT of my house, Phil!" She screamed, blowing past him and disappearing upstairs.
"Honey, wait," he called after her. He decided to get Kenneth out of the danger zone first. "Hey buddy, why don't you go wait outside and I'll meet you in a sec, okay?" He didn't even wait to see Kenneth nod as he called his wife again.
"Claire, honey? Where are you," He inquired running up the steps, catching himself on a stair that felt a little wobbly. "I should fix that," he thought to himself. But there were more pressing matters to deal with now. He reached the second floor landing and could hear Claire pacing in their bedroom. "Hey honey," he started, hoping that his demeanor would help her to settle down. It had the opposite effect.
"Don't HEY me! I told you he was weird! Aren't you just a little bit shocked and embarrassed Phil?"
"You can't even answer! I don't want him near me Phil, this is how rapists start, doing creepy things like this; and you invited him in, and you're putting all of us in danger and I just- I just can't-"
"Woah woah woah, honey," he interrupted, walking to her and leading her to the bed to sit down. "I agree that Kenneth's behavior was inappropriate, but there's no waayy you can tell if that's what makes someone a rapist."
"Phil, that's not what I-"
"I'll go talk to him. But it's not anything to get worked up over, alright?"
Her answer was to pout and look the other way.
"Hey," he said soothingly. "Who's my girl?"
"I am," she mumbled.
"I can't hear youu…"
"I am Phil, I'm your girl."
"And don't you ever forget it," he replied with a mischevious grin, leaving her no time to figure out what he was doing before he started to tickle her.
"Phil, stop it!" She said through her laughter.
"You can't stop the tickle monster!"
"Noo!" She flailed, trying to get away from him, ending up accidentally kicking him in the chest, sending her husband back-first into the dresser, knocking all of her necklaces noisily off of the dresser. Before Claire could recover enough to even ask if Phil was alright, Alex began wailing from the next room.
"Dammit! Honey, get up," she said to him as she went to fetch the baby.
"I'm fine!" He called to her, remembering Kenneth was waiting. He followed her into the room for a moment. "I'm gonna go, I love you see you later!"
"Later," she thought looking out the window at her husband as she rocked her youngest child. They were definitely going to watch that movie.