A/N Since I am within a chapter or two of wrapping my other two stories up, I thought I would throw this one out to see if anyone liked it. Let me know what you think. I have a couple of others on the back burner, but im tired of beating him up( or worse), so I thought I would go with the funny for a while.
My mom is a hopeless case when it comes to dating. I mean, seriously, I have no idea how the hell she ever convinced my father to get with her to produce me, because the woman has no game. She is a bit of a dork when it comes to how she dresses, no, let me take that back, she is a total dork. She's always wearing black, (even in summer), she usually wears some ratty concert t-shirt from this weird band she likes that no one has ever heard of except for maybe a few equally dorky tween girls, she wears Cowboy boots! I mean, who in the hell has a middle aged mom in Portland who wears COWBOY boots? And her hair? Oh fuck me! Its nice and long and she could do stuff with it, but what does she do? She puts it in a pony tail and stuffs it up under a ball cap My boy Gerard had the idea when he said in the "Ugly Truth" that pony tails are for women who are operating heavy machinery or cleaning the cat box. We don't have a cat and moms days of operating heavy machinery are behind her, she's a manager of this weird little apartment complex we live in now. It's a nice place in what I discovered the first week of school to be the, "Gay" neighborhood. Half a dozen fights later, two calls to the principals office and a near media event, I am now doing a college based program from home. I don't take well to people trash talking the gays. Lost my cousin to Aids and it pisses me off, soo rather that listen to it, I decided to educate, with my fists.
Mom loves our complex. She knows everyone in it and we are all pretty tight. A few old people who have lived here forever keep me busy running errands for them to the store and hauling stuff to the recycle, but I don't mind because they pay either in cold hard cash or nice warm cookies. There are a few single women who live with other single women,(if you get my drift), and they mostly ignore me. There are quite a few guys in the same situation and they are pretty cool. I have made more than a few friends and in the summer when the pool is open, we hang out and talk sports, and in winter when the games are on, we gather in the rec room and raise hell cheering for Oregon during the Civil War. No one would dare be a Beavers fan, we would make him move. Our next door neighbors are the best, Eddie and Carlisle. They have been like a pair of surrogate fathers to me since we have been here, and I think I spend as much time with them as I do at home. Carlisle taught me the French that I use to charm the ladies, and Eddie taught me the guitar and piano as well as some wicked skateboard moves that got me some major play that the skate park. When I became a teen and weird shit started happening to me, instead of having to get the "Talk" from my mom, I got it from Carlisle an actual freaking doctor. It was still embarrassing, and he told me about EVERYTHING,(gay guys gotta be tough as hell), but it was not near as bad as it would have been coming from my MOM. Eddie taught me how to shave without tearing up my face and all about skin care and I gotta say, I had wished more than once that they would just make a straight version of them for my mom. I had even talked to them about it more than once, that my mom was lonely and she hadn't dated in years. The sexual frustration was bubbling out of the woman and it was enough to make me want to hide some days. I had even spent the night on their couch on more than one occasion when mom and I had battled over something crazy.
"You know, Emmett, maybe there is something we could do for her. I heard that Jane and Victoria are moving out next month?" Carlisle looked at Eddie and grin appeared on Eddies face. "I know what you are thinking and I think he would be perfect. He's been mopey and unbearable to be around for months, and I know he needs a place to live, so I will call him right up. You handle her, but lets keep it, 'Accidental".
Eddie picked up his cell phone and walked out of the room to make the call while Carlisle grinned at me. "We know someone who would be perfect for your mom, but the deal is, they both like to pretend that they don't want or need anyone. He's in need of a place to live, so we are going to have to make sure your mom doesn't rent that place to anyone else in the meantime. Can you make sure of that?" I nodded. "What's his name so I will be watching for him to show up. Carlisle kept that Cheshire cat grin as he said, "Jasper Whitlock, maybe you have heard of him?"
Oh holy shit! Not only had I heard of him, he was the lead singer of that weird little band I was telling you guys about earlier. My mom would freak the fuck out and then she would scare him off. "Carlisle, how the hell do you know him and I thought he was gay so it wont work." Carlisle looked at me and laughed out loud. " He's my nephew, he might swing both ways, I am not sure, but he's not gay, and why wont it work?"
"My mom KNOWS who he is. She loves his band. She has listened to them for years. Haven't you seen her in that ratty assed t-shirt she wears all the time? Or that goofy looking hoodie? Its embarrassing man, she's like a teenybopper or something when it comes to them.
"Well then she will know that the band broke up a few months ago. He's been in a rough place, moping around and not sure where he's going with his career or anything else. He's done a few acting gigs, but the rest of the guys formed a side band that really took off while he was working on his last film, so when he got back, they dumped him. He moved out here from L.A. and he's been couch surfing with friends and staying in hotels while he tries to decide what he wants to be when he grows up, but he needs a stable place to live. This would be a win/win. He needs to be close to some family and he needs someone in his life. I think you would like him too, he's a good guy, a little full of himself at times, but losing the band really took the wind out of his sails, so your mom might be just the thing to put it back in."
I could see this being potentially entertaining. Just being in the office when he walked in would be for sure worth seeing because mom would probably just about be killing herself or her computer trying to hide all the pics of him that she has on her computer,(she really was pretty pathetic with all the pictures of him on her phone, desktop and the files and files of stuff she had labeled as, 'Porn", I still held a bit of a grudge over that bunch of bullshit. I had gotten ahold of her computer when she went to lunch one day with the guys and I got my hopes all built up thinking it was something good, but NO! It was just page after page of pictures of him and his band. Yeah…this had some potential to be good.