Disclaimer: I don't own Buffy, or Rugrats.
We see a replica of Santa's workshop, covered in snow, complete with elves and a plastic reindeer.
"First, it get's really cold" said a familiar voice.
A man scattered artificial snow around a Christmas display.
"Then, the g-growed ups start acting r-real nice, and smiling all the t-time" another voice stuttered.
The voices belonged to Willow Rosenberg and Tara Maclay, who were talking to their friend, Buffy Summers, while they waited in line with their parents for something. Buffy's older cousin, Cordelia, was waiting a few places ahead of them.
"But that's still not the worstest part!" Willow continued. "One night, he comes."
"Who comes?" asked Buffy, confused.
"The sc-scariest g-guy in the world!" said Tara, before she and Willow leaned in, whispering ominously.
"Willow, Tara, you guys can't be afraid of Santa!" Buffy giggled. "He's fat and jolly and brings you presents!"
"That's not what I heard" said Willow nervously.
Up the front of the line, a worker dressed as an elf appeared from Santa's workshop.
"Okay, who's next to see Santa?" asked the elf with a smile.
"Me, me, me!" shrieked Cordelia, pushing to the front of the line and running past the elf, before leaping into Santa's lap.
"Ho, ho, ho!" Santa chuckled. "And how are you today, little.."
"Cordelia" Cordelia grinned, batting her eyelashes.
"Cordelia" Santa smiled, "Why don't you tell old Santa Claus what you want for Christmas?"
"Well, I want a Luxurious Hair Harmony doll.."
"Of course! And if you're a good little girl.."
"A 'Teenage Nuclear Fusion Squad' video game.."
"A Mr X exploding smash-up doll, a 'Beverly Hills Harmony' lunchbox, a pony, a 9-1-1 surgical kit with working stethoscope.."
"That's an awful lot of presents.." Santa frowned.
"I'm not finished yet!" Cordy screamed. She took a breath and continued. "But the biggest and most importantest thing I want is a Deluxe Harmony Beach House with real working hot tub, satellite dish, entertainment center and attatched garage."
"Gee, that's a pretty long list of toys, Cordelia" said Santa. "I don't know if Santa can.."
"Hang on" said Cordy, eyes narrowing in suspicion. "If you're really Santa, how come you don't know this stuff already?"
"Well.." said Santa nervously.
"You're not the real Santa Claus!" cried Cordelia, eyes widening as she ripped off his beard. "You're a PHONY!" she shrieked, bolting into the crowd of children. "Santa Claus is a FAKE! Run for your lives!"
Buffy, Willow, and Tara gasped. Cordelia's Father, Carl, looked horrified.
Later, back at Buffy's house, Cordelia ripped open a box of toys she had been given so her parents wouldn't sue the Mall.
"Wow!" said Buffy's friends, Xander and Anya, in unison.
"Where'd you get that neat box of toys?" asked Anya.
"From Santa Claus" Cordy replied nonchalantly.
"I thought he only gave you stuff for Christmas" said Xander, confused.
"Nah, you've just gotta know how to work him" Cordy smirked. Hank, Ira, and Carl entered the house, Carl carrying another box of 'Please Don't Sue' toys from the store.
"Can you imagine how upset Cordelia must be, finding out that department store Santa was a fake?" asked Carl, distressed.
"She doesn't look too upset to me" said Hank, watching his grinning nice tear through the box.
"Yeah, the manager gave her nearly every toy in the store" said Ira.
"Do you really think toys can compensate for what she's been through?" cried Carl as they headed into the Kitchen. "She may be traumatised for life!"
"Hey, this is just a bunch of junk!" Cordelia pouted, pulling a teddy bear from the box and tossing it aside. "They didn't give me any of the stuff I wanted!"
"Then can we have it?" asked Anya, picking up the teddy bear.
"No" Cordy scoffed, snatching the teddy back and throwing it in the box before hauling it away.
"Even if she is traumatised for life, Carl, she'll still have a better Christmas than I ever had" said Ira, continuing the adults earlier conversation. Buffy's Mother, Joyce, Xander's Mother, Jessica, and Hank and Carl's cousin, Giles, were also present.
"What do you mean, Ira?" Joyce frowned. "Didn't you ever have a special dinner, with family and presents?"
"I was brought up Jewish, so we didn't celebrate Christmas" Ira sighed. "But Willow's Mother used to love Christmas. I don't want to ruin it for her."
"I just wish I could do something to renew Cordelia's faith in Santa" said Carl sadly.
"Hey, I know!" Jessica grinned. "Let's rent a place in the mountains and do it all upnice, have a real white Christmas."
"What a great idea!" said Hank excitedly. "We can chop down our own tree, and sing Carols, and open up our presents there on Christmas morning!"
"I'll call the travel agent and get a cabin" said Joyce, heading for the phone.
"I'll go pack up some lights and ornaments" said Hank, heading for the basement.
"I'll drink a couple of quarts of egg nog and fall asleep in front of the TV!" chuckled Giles, heading for the fridge.
Meanwhile, Cordelia sat on the floor with her boxof toys, disappointed.
"Just my luck, I get a whole bunch of toys, and not one of them is any fun" she pouted. "What am I gonna do with a dumb box of crayons? And what's this?" she pulled out a space helmet, with some spikes at the top to accomadate the spiky hair of the toy it was made for. "An Angel space helmet? Just great! Cordy scowled.
"I'm telling you Buffy, that Santa's a bad guy!" said Willow seriously, sitting in the playpen with Buffy and Tara.
"He's always w-watching you, keeping track of everything you d-do" said Tara, sounding nervous.
"And then in the middle of the night, he breaks into your house with a big bag of who knows what!" Willow cried, throwing her arms in the air.
"But guys, he's got presents in that bag" Buffy frowned, becoming confused by the two very different versions of Santa she had heard about.
"Sure, that's what he wants you to think" said Willow, crossing her arms.
Still sulking, Cordelia looked around and spotted Xander, sitting alone, looking troubled. This was unusual, as he was usually always with Anya, and not at all troubled. So, Cordy decided to investigate, dragging her box of toys with her.
"What's the matter with you?"
"Oh, nothin'" said Xander with a sigh, clutching his favourite Angel action figure. "I just can't figure out what to give Anya for Christmas."
"Really?" Cordy grinned evilly, thinking of a way to get rid of her unwanted toys, and have a little fun at the same time. "What if you gave her something for her favourite colouring book, like, maybe, crayons?"
"Yeah!" Xander's face lit up, but quickly drooped. "But where am I gonna get a great present like that?"
"Right here" Cordy smirked, pulling the crayons out of the box.
"Gee, thanks Cordelia!" Xander grinned, reaching for them.
"Not so fast" said Cordy, jerking the crayons just out of his reach. "You can have them, but it's gonna cost ya."
"Not a lot" said Cordelia innocently. "Just your Angel doll."
"My Angel doll?" cried Xander, hugging it to his chest. "But it's my favouritest toy ever!"
"Oh well, can't say I didn't try" Cordy shrugged, dragging the box away.
"Wait!" Xander called after her. He gave the doll one last hug, then held it out to Cordelia. "Okay, for Anya. She's my bestest friend." Cordy took the doll, then placed the crayons in Xander's hand. Xander sighed, walking away.
"Oh it doesn't get any better than this!" Cordelia cackled. She heard a small sigh, and spotted Anya sitting a short distance away, also alone, and also toubled. An unpleasant grin spread over Cordy's face. "Then again, maybe it does."
Joyce was still trying to book a cabin for the gang to spend Christmas in.
"I know we're cutting it a little close" she said into the phone, "But don't you have anything?" Joyce listened to the voice on the other end of the line. "No" she sighed, "I don't think Tijuana's the right location.."
"Poor Cordelia. Christmas is ruined forever" said Carl sadly as he and Ira sat outside, moping.
"Poor Willow. I wish there was something I could do to make Christmas extra special" Ira sighed. The men thought for a moment, before their faces lit up.
"I know!" they cried in unison.
"You first" said Ira graciously.
"No, you" said Carl.
"Well, I was thinking that I could dress up as Santa, and come down the chimney on Christmas Eve" Ira explained. "The kids will hear me, come down, and catch a glimpse of old St. Nick!"
"That's exactly what I was thinking" said Carl.
"Of course, we wouldn't have you as Santa. We'll hire a Professional."
"What's wrong with me?" said Ira, mildly insulted. "I'm a good actor. Remember our 4th grade play? I got the title role in 'Wind In The Willows'."
"Ira, you were a tree."
"I was the Willow!"
"Hi Anya, watcha doing?" asked Cordelia as she reached the little girl, her box in tow. "Trying to figure out what to give Xander for Christmas?"
"Yeah" Anya looked up, surprised. "How'd you know?"
"I'm your friend, I know these things" Cordy grinned. "Now think for a minute, what's Xander's favouritest toy in the whole world?"
"His building blocks?" said Anya.
"No, think again."
"His pop-up book?"
"No, one more time."
"His stuffed crocagator with the missing eye?"
"No!" yelled Cordelia, annoyed. "His Angel doll!"
"Oh yeah" said Anya.
"Now, what could you give him to make his Angel doll to make it even better.
"A Spike doll to be his friend?"
"An 'Angel On Ice' sing-a-long CD?"
"I know, an Angel surfboard!"
"No!" Cordy yelled again. "An Angel space helmet, dummy!"
"That's a great idea, Cordelia! But where am I gonna get an Angel space helmet?"
Soon after, Cordy was chuckling evilly as she clutched Anya's favourite coloring book in her hands.
"What a great trick, Harmony" she said to the doll. "Xander's gonna get an Angel space helmet for Christmas, but he doesn't have his Angel doll! Anya's gonna get crayons, but she doesn't have her colouring book!" she chuckled evilly. "Oh, I'm bad, Harmony, I'm real bad!"
"He's bad Buffy, real bad!" said Willow, still trying to convince her friend of the evils of Santa Claus.
"Willow, Tara" Buffy sighed, playing with her blocks, "I keep telling you, he's nice!"
"I just wish I could catch him to show ya" Willow mumbled.
"Willow, that's it!" cried Buffy, a familiar dangerous glint in her eye.
"Uh-oh" said Tara.
"But I was only joking!" Willow yelped. "I don't want to catch him!"
At that moment, Giles entered the room, sitting down in his favourite arm chair.
"Gather around, children" he called. "I want to tell you about Santa Claus!"
Willow, Tara, and Buffy gasped, then ran to join Xander, Anya, and Cordelia, already sitting at Giles' feet.
"Now" Giles began, "Maybe you've heard people say he isn't real, just a fairy tale. Well, it's not the truth. St. Nick is as real as you or me.
"Wow" The Scoobies gasped.
"I've seen him with my own eyes" Giles continued, cleaning his glasses.
"Really?" said Cordy in awe.
"Yes" Giles replied, before leaning in close to the kids. "Here's the point of my story. You see, Santa may be old, but he's as sharp as a toothpick! If you've been bad, you won't get that special doll you wanted.."
Cordy's eyes widened.
"Or that fine looking electric train.."
Willow whimpered, hiding behind Buffy and Tara.
"Instead, all you'll get is a great, big, ugly lump of coal!" Giles warned, before leaning back in his chair and laughing. "Of course, none of this applies to you children, you've all been good as gold!"
"Sure.." Cordelia chuckled nervously.
"Good news, everyone" cried Joyce excitedly as she rushed into the room. "We got a cabin!"
That night, a very worried Cordelia lay in bed while her Father tucked her in.
"Daddy?" she asked.
"Yes, sweetheart?" said Carl.
"Is it true that if you're a bad little kid Santa Claus will give you a lump of coal instead of presents?"
"Sure is, Pumpkin. Sweet dreams." Carl switched off the lights, then left the room.
Cordy gulped, then shook her head, pulling Harmony out from under the covers.
"I don't care what they say, Harmony" she whispered to the doll. "That Santa guy cant possibly know about the trick I played on Xander and Anya. Can he? Can he?" Panicking for a moment, she shook the doll, before calming herself down. "Of course not." Cordelia yawned, falling back against her pillows. "That was a great trick" she said as she drifted off. "Great trick... Dumb old Santa.. can't know.."
In what seemed like an instant, she was wide awake again, leaping from the bed.
"It's Christmas!" she cried, rushing downstairs to find what seemed to be millions of presents stuffed under the tree. "Oh boy, presents!"
"And they're all for you, Princess" Carl grinned.
Cordy beamed, ripping open the first present to find..
"Coal?" Cordy yelped. She opened another one. "Coal!" And another. "Coal!" And three more. "Coal, coal, coal! It can't be, it just cant be! Santa's just a smelly old guy in red pyjamas, there's no way he could have known!"
"Oh, but I do" said a voice from behind her. Cordelia turned, gasping when she saw a very sinister looking Santa Claus. "I know everything" he continued. "Xander got a new Angel doll. Anya got a new coloring book. And what did you get?" Santa laughed, burying Cordelia with the contents of a sack of coal.
"No!" she cried. "No, no.."
"NO!" Cordelia jolted awake. Carl rushed in, switching on the light.
"What happened Sweetie?"
"Daddy, Daddy, what day is it?" Cordy cried desperately, grabbing his shirt as he approached the bed. "Is it Christmas?"
"No Honey, not yet" Carl yawned.
"Then there's still time" she said under her breath. "Daddy, I gotta find Xander and Anya."
"You'll see them later today when we go up to the Mountains" said Carl, switching off the light and heading back to his own room. "For now, why don't you get some sleep while it's still dark, okay?"
"Hear that, Harmony?" Cordy whispered to the doll as soon as Carl was out of earshot. "We gotta switch Xander and Anya's presents back, before it's too late!"
AN: Uh-oh! Will Cordy fix everything in time? Find out in part 2, coming soon!