Here's an Ed, Edd n Eddy fanfic episode. More will come later. It's in script format.


[Ed's room. Day. Ed is watching TV. The TV reads, "ALL DAY MONSTER MOVIE MARATHON TODAY!" He is surrounded with junk food of all kinds and we hear noises like screaming and horror movie stuff from the TV. He watches intently while cramming food into his mouth. Suddenly, the screen changes to a dark blue shading with the words, "EMERGENCY ALERT SYSTEM" emblazoned on it in large white letters.]

Announcer: We interrupt this program for a test of the Emergency Alert System.

Ed: Huh?

[The high-pitched tone familiar with the EAS begins. Ed's face remains blank for a moment, then changes to a look of terror. He screams and leaps to his feet, sending the junk food everywhere.]

Ed: AAAHHH! It's the end of the world! I've got to warn everyone! [Bolts out of his room]

[The cul-de-sac. Day. The kids are out playing. Kevin is riding his bike, Nazz is listening to a walkman, Sarah and Jimmy are playing hopscotch, and Jonny is just standing there with Plank licking an ice cream cone. Suddenly, Ed runs up yelling, catching everyone's attention.]

Ed: Attention, citizens of the cul-de-sac, the moon has just been knocked out of orbit and will strike Earth in less than 5 hours! IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! [Runs off]

[The kids look confused.]

Nazz: What's his problem?

Kevin: He's just being a dork.

Jimmy: [Shaking violently] E-Ed scared the pants off me, Sarah! Is the moon really going to hit and destroy us all?

Sarah: [Annoyed] Oh, brother! [Soothingly] Jimmy, Ed's just being a big idiot like he always is. Don't worry about it, silly.

[The kids resume playing.]

[Eddy's garage. Day. There are easels everywhere. Eddy is painting on one and Edd is standing there with a worried look on his face.]

Edd: Eddy, I'm not so sure this is a good idea. You hardly know how to paint!

Eddy: It's foolproof, Double D! We'll just sell these to the kids and we'll be swimming in jawbreakers!

Edd: Eddy, these are not works of art! The kids won't go for these! NO ONE will go for these!

[Pan around to show all the paintings Eddy has done so far. There are paintings of houses, cars, dogs, people, etc. and they all look like they have been drawn by a 5-year-old.]

Eddy: Come on, Double D, It'll be fine!

[Ed runs up still screaming. He runs right into some easels and paint cans, knocking the easels over and causing paint to splash everywhere, ruining the paintings. Eddy is furious.]

Eddy: ED! You idiot, you ruined my paintings!

[Ed, covered in paint and wearing a paint can on his head, grabs Eddy.]

Ed: Be afraid, O skeptical one, be very afraid, for the moon has just been knocked out of its orbit and is headed right for Earth and will destroy all humanity! [Points to the sky, but there is nothing there] We have less than 5 hours to prepare and make our peace.

[Pause. Eddy bursts out laughing while Edd does a facepalm, then approaches Ed.]

Edd: Ed, the moon is not going to hit us. Where did you hear that?

Ed: The TV said something about an emergency alert! That's how it was right before the moon hit in that movie!

Edd: [Smiles] Ed, you saw the Emergency Alert System. It's a national emergency system set to interrupt radio and TV to warn people of major catastrophes like floods or tornadoes or terrorist attacks. Every week, they do tests to see if it's working and what you saw today was just a weekly test. Plus, if the moon was indeed knocked out of orbit, we'd see it, have heard about it already, and there would be chaotic disasters all over the world, like freak storms and rising tides.

[Ed has a blank look on his face, then starts screaming again.]

Ed: Run for the hills! [Runs off again]

Edd: [Shaking his head] Ed's overactive imagination strikes again.

[Eddy's eyes light up and a huge smile crosses his face. Edd sees this.]

Edd: [Sighs] Another scam idea, Eddy?

[Eddy grabs Edd.]

Eddy: How about we convince the kids that the moon is going to hit us and the only safe refuge is Ed's basement, which we'll make into a bomb shelter, and each person has to pay $.50 for admission?

Edd: [Facepalms again] Eddy, I highly doubt that the kids would fall for this doomsday scheme of yours. Besides, if the moon DID strike the Earth, the force of the impact would completely destroy the planet and create a new asteroid belt between Venus and Mars; there would be no safe place anywhere. [Eddy just walks away, not listening] And furthermo- Eddy? Eddy? Oh boy... [Follows]

[The cul-de-sac. Later that day. The kids, now joined by Rolf, are still outside playing. Eddy, carrying a large sign that says "THE END IS NEAR!" and a small bell, walks up loudly ringing the bell. Edd follows, looking annoyed.]

Eddy: The end is nigh, fellow citizens! The end is nigh! In less than 5 hours, the moon will indeed hit the Earth!

[The kids all stop and look at Eddy, confused like before.]

Eddy: [Still ringing his bell] It's the end of the world, the total annihilation of all life on this tiny little planet, right, Double D?

Edd: [Rolls his eyes] Yes.

Kevin: What are you dorks talking about?

Eddy: [Stops ringing] Ask Double D. [Elbows Edd]

Edd: [Sighs heavily, then looks ominous] Eddy speaks the truth, for a massive asteroid struck the moon and knocked it out of orbit, causing it to end up on a collision course with Earth and there is no way to stop it. We have less than 2 hours before it strikes and annihilates everything on the surface of this planet. Everything that you and I know and have ever known will be gone in an instant, incinerated into nothing more but small ashes drifting listlessly on the dead wind...

[Pause. The kids look blank, then begin screaming and panicking, running around in all directions.]

Eddy: [Smiles] Heh, heh, heh... suckers!

Edd: I fail to see the humor in this, Eddy! Look how much you've scared them!

[Nazz and Kevin are hugging each other and sobbing, Jimmy and Sarah do the same, Rolf is on his knees praying loudly in some foreign language, and Jonny just stands around looking scared and trying to "comfort" Plank.]

Jonny: I-It'll be okay, b-b-buddy! W-We'll get o-o-out of this with our l-l-l-lives! W-We'll survive t-this!

Jimmy: I knew we should have listened to that crazy preacher! He warned us that the end was near!

Eddy: Okay, enough drama, there's hope. [The panic continues][Raises his voice] There's hope! [Yelling now] HEY! [The kids stop panicking and look at him] As I was saying, there is still hope for us, right, Double D? [Elbows him again]

Edd: [Sighs] Yes, there is hope for us. We have just fortified Ed's basement into a bomb shelter that will protect us from the effects of the impact and we have enough food, water, and other supplies to last for a fairly long amount of time. However, I must ask that each of you pay $.50 for admission.

Kevin: $.50?

Rolf: You are making us pay for a chance at safety and security from the impact of our moon?

Eddy: Hey, fair is fair.

Sarah: I'd rather the moon smash me into a bazillion pieces!

Jimmy: [Terrified] But, Sarah, who'll protect me?

Eddy: It's just two measly quarters, but why are you worried? In just a few short hours, money will be reduced to nothing but worthless paper and round metal things. Why protect them when they'll be completely useless soon?

[Pause.]

Sarah: [Rolls her eyes, then sighs heavily] Come on, Jimmy, let's go get our piggy banks. [Leaves with Jimmy]

[The other kids begin to head to their houses. Kevin approaches Eddy and Edd.]

Kevin: Listen, Nostradam-dorks, if you're wrong about this, I'll make you WISH the world was ending! [Holds up his fist in a threatening way, then leaves]

Eddy: [Laughs] I can't believe they're falling for it! We should have done this YEARS ago!

Edd: Once again, I fail to see the humor in this.

Eddy: You fail to see everything. Come on, let's go to Ed's house and wait for the kids.

[Ed's basement. Late afternoon. The kids are all standing in front of Ed's bedroom door, all holding various things. Ed's door reads "BOMB SHELTER. TWO QUARTERS EACH". Eddy opens the door and steps out, holding a money jar.]

Eddy: Only $.50 each for safety! [Nazz, carrying a purse and expensive-looking crystal ornament, gives two quarters and steps in] Thank you. [Jonny, carrying Plank, a big suitcase for him and a small suitcase for Plank, gives four quarters, two for him and two for Plank, then steps in] Thank you. [Sarah, carrying a dollhouse and doll, gives two quarters and steps in] Thank you. [Rolf, dragging a HUGE trunk that is carrying his animals because of the animal limbs jutting out of it, is about to give his two quarters, but Eddy stops him] Whoa, whoa, whoa, there, Rolfy, your animals can't come.

Rolf: [Angry] Let my livestock in, three-haired Ed-boy, or suffer the wrath of the son of a shepherd!

Eddy: They're just animals, Rolf.

Rolf: [Furious][Gets up in Eddy's face] ROLF'S LIVESTOCK MEAN MORE TO HIM THAN THE TENDER DELICIOUSNESS OF HIS NANA'S DEEP-FRIED BEETS!

Eddy: Sorry. [Rolf starts heading upstairs, dragging his trunk] Wait, where are you going?

Rolf: Rolf would rather be baked into nothingness like Nana's homemade chocolate cupcakes by the fiery impact of our planet's satellitthan sit in the safety of a shelter and allow his livestock to perish.

Eddy: Well, all right, Rolf, we'll see you. [Jimmy and Kevin glare angrily at Eddy] What?

Jimmy: You're just gonna throw him out like a paper cup? I never thought you could be so cruel! I refuse to enter the safety of your shelter now. [Starts walking up the stairs with Rolf]

Kevin: [Following] Same here.

Eddy: [Panicking] Wait! Okay, okay, Rolf, you can keep your animals! [Rolf immediately flies into Ed's room, depositing his two quarters on the way][Looks confused, then shrugs] Next. [Jimmy, holding a doll and a couple of small suitcases, gives two quarters and steps in] Thank you. [Finally, Kevin, holding his bike, gives two quarters and steps in] Okay, that's everyone. [Shuts the door]

[Ed's bedroom. Late afternoon. The kids are all crammed in with their possessions and Rolf's animals. The windows are hastily boarded up, the door has drawings of locks, and the "emergency supplies" are 3 cans of food, 2 bottled waters, and a bandage. There is a clock on the wall that reads, "TIME TO DOOMSDAY" and a small counter below reads "1 HOURS 15 MINUTES" and is counting down. Eddy "locks" the door and faces everyone.]

Eddy: Now, we sit and wait.

Edd: [Whispering] Eddy, what about the Kankers?

Eddy: [Whispering] Let them fend for themselves, Double D. Remember, it's all just a scam.

Nazz: Eddy, what's gonna happen when the moon hits?

Eddy: Well... [Scratches his head] Gosh, I don't know. What do you think it'll be like, Double D?

Edd: Uh... [Ed cuts in]

Ed: [Ominous] First, the impact will cause a massive earthquake bigger than anything ever felt and it will be felt all over the world. Afterward, a huge wave of intense heat will radiate across the world, incinerating everything in its path. Shockwaves will follow, destroying anything left standing and, finally, it will all be over.

[Pause. The kids all look at Edd and Eddy.]

Eddy: Uh... y-yeah. What Ed said.

Jimmy: How long do we have to stay down here?

Edd: Uh... until about a few minutes after the shockwaves pass? [Leans into Eddy; whispering] Eddy, what are we going to tell them when your supposed "hour of doom" passes without the moon hitting?

Eddy: [Whispering] We've got them convinced, Double D. They'll believe anything we tell them.

Edd: [Sighs, shakes his head, and smiles at the kids] Any ideas on how we can lighten the mood and pass the time?

Jimmy: How about a song?
When you stub your toe and it hurts, you-

Kids: NO!

Ed: How about we watch "Attack of the Spider Zombies from Pluto"?

Jonny: How about we listen to Plank tell campfire stories?

Nazz: Or tell our most embarrassing moments?

Rolf: Rolf would enjoy a good game of "Hide the Pork Fat".

Eddy: I've got it! Let's play "I Spy"!

[The kids groan.]

Kevin: That's such a lame game.

Nazz: Totally childish.

Jimmy: I-I'd like to play "I Spy". It would take my mind off the fact that Earth has only a couple of hours left before our moon collides and extinguishes all life on our beloved little planet.

[The kids reluctantly agree.]

Edd: [Sighs] I'll go first. I spy with my little eye something... blue.

[The kids all murmur to each other.]

Nazz: Rolf's hair?

Edd: Yes! [To himself] Can this day get any worse?

[Wilfred, Rolf's pig, has a nasty bout of flatulence and all the kids groan and react to the smell. The counter, reading "1 HOURS 13 MINUTES" dissolves to "0 HOURS 2 MINUTES".]

Eddy: Two minutes to doomsday.

[The kids all murmur to each other again.]

Kevin: Hey, Double Dork, what'll it be like after the moon hits?

Edd: Well... [Reluctantly playing along with Eddy] we'll be the only ones left in the whole world.

Jonny: [Smiling] We'll be able to go anywhere and do whatever we want?

Sarah: And no grown-ups around?

Edd: Y-Yes.

Eddy: [Cutting in] The whole world will be ours for the taking and no one will tell us what to do because we'll make our own rules.

[The kids, including Ed and Eddy, all look excited at this prospect, except for Edd.]

Edd: [Leaning into Eddy; whispering] Eddy, you apparently forgot that this was one of your money-making scams and the moon is not going to hit.

[Eddy's smile literally melts. The counter now reads, "0 HOURS 1 MINUTE".]

Eddy: [Dejected] One minute to the end of the world...

Nazz: [Horrified] What about my parents?!

[The kids begin clamoring about their parents.]

Eddy: Hey, hey, hey! [The kids quiet down and look at him] Our parents'll be fine! Double D called them and they're all safe and sound in a shelter in downtown.

[The kids breathe sighs of relief as Eddy just stares at the counter, then checks his watch.]

Eddy: Twenty seconds to doomsday.

[Brief pause.]

Eddy: Fifteen, fourteen...

[The rest of the kids all join in the counting down, except for Edd. The kids react as they count down. Nazz and Kevin hold each other, Sarah and Jimmy grip each other's hands, Ed bites his fingernails, Rolf hides behind his cow, Jonny holds Plank close to him, and Edd just reads a magazine.]

The kids, except for Edd: Thirteen, twelve, eleven, ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one... [Everyone closes their eyes except for Edd and Eddy]

[Nothing happens. The kids open their eyes and, for the exception of the Eds, begin murmuring to each other, wondering about what happened. Soon, Kevin glares at the Eds.]

Kevin: Where's the big earthquake you promised us?

Eddy: [Sweating profusely] Uh... i-it did happen, but t-this basement is earthquake-proofed, soundproofed, heat-proofed, and shockwave-proofed, so we didn't n-notice.

Sarah: [Pulling off one of the boards on the windows] Then how do you explain this?

[Outside, it is a beautiful summer evening. The sun is setting, the birds are chirping, and nothing has happened. The kids all glare angrily at the Eds.]

Jonny: I knew you were big fat phonies!

Kevin: Like I said, when I'm through with you, you're going to wish that the world was going to end!

[The kids all begin advancing towards the Eds. Eddy chuckles nervously, "unlocks" the door, and opens it.]

[Ed's basement. Evening. Eddy steps out with Ed and Edd, but the kids all grab them and pull them inside, slamming the door shut. Sounds of fighting and beating-up is heard for a little while, then the door opens and the kids, with smiles on their faces and possessions and money in hand, leave.]

Sarah: [Sweetly] Wait until Mom hears about this, Ed.

[Jimmy blows a raspberry.]

Jonny: [To Plank; happily] Ya gotta admit, buddy, that was a really good joke! They really had me going for a few seconds. [Laughs]

Rolf: Be thankful we are not in the old country, wolf-crying Ed-boys, for in the old country, false prophets would have to sit nude in a barrel full of leeches.

Nazz: [Last one out; looks at the Eds] Grow up! [Slams the door shut]

[Ed's bedroom. Late afternoon. The Eds are all tied up and tied to each other on the bedroom floor. They struggle, but the ropes stay firm. Ed gnaws on his rope while Edd and Eddy just sit there.]

Edd: Eddy, you should have known that this scam was doomed to failure from the first moment you thought of it. No one can accurately predict when the end of the world will come. Many, many people in the past have tried, but they have all failed. Take Nostradamus, for example. He made many predictions for the end of the world and other disastrous events, but they never came true, despite what some people say. There is absolutely no way to accurately predict the end of the world or any type of catastrophe because it will never, ever be right, Eddy.

Eddy: [Not listening] Why didn't I say that it missed the Earth at the last minute or something like that? Or better yet, why didn't I just stick with my art scam?

Ed: [Stops gnawing] I am a sassy cat and so full of sass. If you don't like it, you can kiss my-

Edd: Ed, if you finish that sentence, the show'll get cancelled in a second.

Eddy: [Lightens up] Show? I've got it! We should make our own TV talk show! Now to get out of these ropes... [Begins gnawing on his rope with Ed]

Edd: [Sighs and looks at the viewer] He never learns, does he?

[End episode]


A couple of more stories will come later.