Kiss Me, My Pretty
"That was really awkward, wasn't it?" Allen chuckled lightly—a trace of embarrassment laced into his easy tone. Kanda almost spun on his heel to give the boy the double middle fingers for his need to make obvious statements. Awkward wasn't even the word for it. Awkward was dropping your plate in the middle of the cafeteria. Awkward was accidentally calling someone by the wrong name. Awkward was having a red-headed idiot walk in on you in the washroom ten seconds too early and then ducking out to pretend he didn't see where your hand was.
That was awkward.
What they just walked away from was mortifying. He was stuck in an endless cycle of "wrong place, at the wrong time" and it was just about getting him furious enough to start hurting things. Some tiny part of his mind toyed with the idea of taking Timcanpy alone in a room and just wasting out his energy beating the unkillable thing to death repeatedly. Tim would keep putting himself back together and he'd be less likely to implode and bleed brain matter out of his ears.
He grit his teeth as they walked, the sound of Allen's heeled boots grating on his nerves more than his teeth were in their violent gnashing. "Awkward? That's what we're calling this now?"
"Well…" Allen hesitated, lengthening his steps with Kanda's. Timcanpy floated around between them, looking agitated for a change—and a little insistent on Allen keeping several paces behind his precious love interest. He didn't know whether to laugh or cry, because Tim was being so possessive now that they'd passed that really awkward thing that just happened in Kanda's room. "It…was…"
"It was more than awkward, you stupid little shit," the man hissed and kicked the door leading outside. It swung open, nearly cracking against the heavy slam of his boot. Kanda's hand turned back with a flick and aimed to slam the door right into Allen.
Allen jumped back, seeing this action and not being in the least bit surprised by it. It was just like Kanda to take his discomfort out on him, so he'd been wary of it from the time they scrambled out of the room until he saw a door moving in on him. Despite stepping out of the way, the door never slammed and it left Allen a tad curious, because he should have cracked against the frame like when Kanda usually went around abusing poor architectural features.
"Oh goddamn it," Allen heard from the other side of the wobbling door. The door flew back open and Tim flopped to the floor and rolled, looking positively crushed. No, literally, his side was crunched in and he flailed on the floor and tried to roll the crushed part out of his little body. "Really, could you not just fly out of the way?"
Timcanpy fluttered his wings and lied there on the little doorstep pitifully. It made Allen want to scoop him up and smooth over his sadness—but then he remembered that Tim was just a golem and he'd get over it as soon as the moment passed. Still, the way he just inched across the floor closer to Kanda made him want to kick the door into Kanda. Allen really just did not want that fight right away.
Allen opened his mouth to snap a comment, but he stopped when he saw Kanda kneel and stare at the sad little thing. "Are you going to get up now? You're not hurt. I will give you ten seconds before I walk away."
Tim just rolled on his side and wiggled his stumpy little legs at Kanda. The motion was less miserable and sillier, because his tail bounced against the step vigorously. Either Tim really didn't understand Kanda's command or he was ignoring him and choosing to play instead. That was pretty much the exact opposite of what Kanda's words had meant and he just frowned heatedly at Timcanpy. "I said ten seconds and you fuckin roll over. Are you as stupid as your master?" He grumbled, prodding a finger at Tim's pliant little belly.
"Well you are stupid," Kanda snapped, turning his head and shifting his attention away from Timcanpy—leaning lightly on his bent knee. "Thanks to you, that red-haired buffoon is under the impression that you were undressing me."
"But not like that!" He curled his fingers around Tim and lifted the stupid thing as he stood. He squeezed him in his fist slightly; enjoying the way he kinda squirmed in his clutch—tail wagging helplessly. It felt like he was crushing a tiny animal without the broken morals of actually crushing a tiny animal. He took no delight in harming animals, but sometimes he was unsettled enough to wish he was that fucked up. Tim was the perfect in between.
"It's not my fault your big ass stretched my pants, okay?! If you were built more like a man this wouldn't be a problem!" Allen goaded, knowing full well that Kanda wasn't actually feminine by any stretch of the imagination. It was just the easiest button to press. Really, he was embarrassed too. Lavi had walked in on the most incriminating scene in the world and it wasn't anything like that it looked. Not that statements like those helped them any. That Allen was in his room was strange all together, he was sure. He wasn't wearing his pants, just sleep shorts, and he was pulling his pants off Kanda's legs. Kanda had been on the bed, bracing himself for Allen to wrench them off because Allen was sure Kanda would rip them if he tried; and from the position of the door, it must have looked really bad and…He sighed. "We'll just tell him exactly what happened!"
"That your fucking golem was down my pants trying to suck my dick so I crammed myself into your ass-lacking pants? How fucking ridiculous is that!" Kanda threw Timcanpy at Allen hard enough to make the boy step back and guard with his arm. "I'd rather he just think you were trying to suck my dick because at least then I'm getting tangled up wrongly with the same fucking species!"
Allen's jaw snapped closed and he stared silently at Kanda, seriously not knowing how to respond to Kanda's outburst. This was a grand example of awkward if Allen ever saw one, because Kanda was the patron saint of not realizing how badly he worded things and how crude he could be without meaning to. Then there was the awkward thought that he wasn't sure Kanda had quite realized that Lavi… "Ahm…Kanda, I think that's exactly what he assumed was going on."
The look on Kanda's face would have been picture worthy if it didn't worry Allen. Had he really not considered that? The man's eyes reverted to their normal scathing glare, but it was clear he was thinking. "Don't be fucking ridiculous, he just saw you undressing me."
"Yes, but I was also obstructing his view from where I was…" Allen pressed, not really sure if it was a good idea to really be laying it out plainly for Kanda. There was no way Lavi would have had the reaction he had if he hadn't thought it significantly worse than what was happening. Lavi had bolted so quickly it was terrifying and that was after all the shenanigans in the bath and seeing Kanda nearly straddling Allen when they fought. Allen snagging pants off him seemed a little too mild. "And like…We were all naked in the bath together so…why would he react that strongly…you know…Kanda?"
Kanda's hand was nearly crushing Timcanpy worse than his run in with the door and the golem flailed about for a moment, stopped, then flailed some more. Tim was feeling the gears turning in Kanda's head by how hard he squeezed. "So you're telling me there's a possibility that we just let Lavi free…with the assumption that he thinks you were in my room giving me head."
Allen's face felt unusually warm by the way Kanda's tongue brushed over those words, but undeniably, it was an accurate statement. "Yeah, that's probably right."
"God…" A loud crunch and the slam of the door startled Allen and he moved back—not realizing Kanda's foot had collided with the door. It was such a swift motion that he'd gotten too lazy to follow. "Damnit!" Kanda screamed through the door and he was loud enough to make Allen cringe.
He couldn't help what Lavi thought, though neither of them had been quick enough to correct the assumptious redhead. Instead of placing too much thought on it, Allen opened the door to face Kanda's grumbling again. He was standing there in front of the door with Tim in his hands—squeezing the life out of him. The golem was belly up with his wings flapping about and Kanda had both of his thumbs pressing into Tim's belly enough to leave indents.
"This is your fault you little shit," he hissed at Tim and for just a moment, Allen thought it was really adorable, because Kanda wasn't smashing his fist into him anymore—just sitting there flattening him in the most disgruntled manner. "I have fucking ties around my legs because of you and this is ridiculous." He threw Tim into the floor at his feet like a child having a temper tantrum. "Hey, beansprout, we're going to track down that idiot and explain what he didn't see."
"…Kanda…is that really…"
Yes, it was. Kanda had had enough. He'd been abused way too much already and this sort of lurid thing hanging over him was just not even fair anymore. "Yes it's necessary, it's very necessary. He thinks…even she thinks we're having some elicit affair and I'm glad they're accepting of the taboo same sex coupling, but I wouldn't same-sex couple with you if you were the best lay on the planet!"
"What if I was the last person on the planet? Because, honestly, you don't strike me as someone who's ever had good sex to even know what it's like, if you've had it at all…which I supremely doubt with how much of a crabby asshat you are. You know, maybe you ought to take Tim up on his offer," Allen spat back, more annoyed than he should have been given the circumstance. Kanda really didn't have to take shots at him at every chance he could.
Kanda's eyes glittered maliciously and he curled his hands into tight fists, ready to smack the shit out of Allen. He drew every ounce of self control he had to not just slam his beansprout head in the door repeatedly. "You realize that if you weren't such a dunce, this wouldn't be an issue. It's already enough to have you in my personal space, but then you have to ridicule my personal life like it's any of your goddamned business…Fucking Christ how many times do I have to say this?"
"I don't know; why you don't try saying new things, for a change? I get it, I made a mistake, but if you recall, you threw Tim into the concoction, not me!"
"Because you tried to boil me!"
"That'd be the warmest you've ever been!"
"I'm about to warm my foot up your ass if you don't knock that shit off!"
"Go ahead, Kanda. Make me," Allen screamed back at him, getting in his face in the same manner that Kanda was. The two of them were almost nose to nose and twitching with the furious urge to pummel each other right there. That wasn't unusual, but it was strong and it was still early. At least before it took them a little longer than this.
"I—" A flash of yellow cut Kanda off abruptly and both of them lost sight of the argument when Timcanpy wedged himself between their faces, his faceless body cramming itself between flaring noses. Kanda's jaw visibly tightened, but neither of them moved because they were both possibly too surprised by the damned creature snuggling between their faces.
"Oh that's just nice," Allen grunted, with a sigh. "I get the butt."
"Serves you right," Kanda grunted and tried to uncurl Tim's tail from his wrist absently before pulling his face away. He dangled the damned thing and forced himself to cool down from his frustration. There was something completely deflating about having a squishy ball mushing his face. He found it someone hard to keep the insults strong toward Allen when he was more or less internally chuckling that Allen had, in fact, gotten the ass end of his own golem. "Now let's just fucking go…or rather, I'm leaving, with or without you."
"I already told you—."
"I don't care what you told me, beansprout," Kanda waved in a near swat at his face, turning to leave out the door he'd been trying to go out all along. He stopped, blood draining out of his face when he turned eyes on a flash of red, only to catch Lavi in his sight just a split second later off to the side—staring at them with clearly expressed interest. Just after they'd pretty much been in each other's faces with Tim fluffed between them.
"You guys…" Lavi started and Kanda jumped on him quickly.
"Don't. Don't you do it. Stop."
"He's going to kill you, Lavi!"
Allen ran to catch Kanda before he could wrap his hands around the older man's neck and shake him vigorously. Lavi had pressed Kanda's buttons the moment he walked in his room without permission, but to antagonize a stupid fight like it wasn't just a stupid fight was just asking for it. Allen was at least a hundred-fifty percent sure Lavi was doing everything he was doing on purpose, but he didn't want to think Lavi was that suicidal. "Kanda, oh my god, stop! He's going to die!" He cried, pulling Kanda's arm to help Lavi slip away. He was impressed that Kanda had been able to dart over and attack him that swiftly.
"That's the idea!" He retorted, even if his grip weakened and he started to cool off. Timcanpy was floating above Lavi's head biting at the man's flaming hair and probably putting teeth marks in his skull.
That was amusing enough to make Kanda smirk, even if it was only for a split second.
To Be Continued…
A/N: These boys haven't even realized how much they talk about Kanda's personal business. Do I need to change the rating of this? I know there's nothing really explicit, just conversation, but I'd rather make sure.