If You Give Mikey a Donut

Latest in my "If You Give A…." parody series. You just had to invite him over for a snack, didn't you? You bring this on yourself. Based on "If You Give a Dog a Donut." Turtle Tot!

….well, what choice did I have? Laura Numeroff just published another book. Much love, and happy holidays. I know this is more late Fall/Halloweeny, but where I'm going to school, it's really only early Autumn. Kind of hilarious to hear people singing "Walking in a Winter Wonderland" when it's sixty degrees out, if not slightly mind boggling…..

It'll be a warm, lovely Autumn afternoon when you finally start raking the vast piles of leaves in your yard.

Apparently, you weren't seriously considering getting any work done on a weekend, because you call up a certain young tot and ask him if he'd like to help?

Of course, judging by the loud CLUNK you hear a few moments later, running footsteps, and the distant sound of Splinter shouting, "Michelangelo! Put a sweater on!" you can probably safely assume he's on the way.


Of course when he clamors out of the sewer, he'll need a rake, too. But as it soon transpires, he's more interested in pushing just enough small clumps of leaves together for him to jump into.

And of course, he'll have to jump into your rather larger pile, and to display his gratitude for your indulgence, dump a pile of browning leaves on your head.

Mikey is nothing if not a gentleman, even when it's all-out war, and you're hurling leaves at each other like no one's business.


Once you dazedly stumble out of the Armageddon and declare a truce, it's back to raking, and finally, FINALLY once you've finished, the two of you will stumble inside. The two of you have the muchies, so while Mikey picks out strays leaves from his ninja-mask, you'll pull out the warm cinnamon donuts you made that morning from the oven.


You're about to ask Mikey if he'd like one, but figure that now isn't really the time to ask stupid questions.

Of course, you'll have to give him one, generously dusted with powder sugar, of course.

He'll need another.

And another.

And soon enough, when you're clapping him on the shell and firmly reminding him that yes, he does have teeth with which to chew with instead of just a mouth for inhaling, he'll cough a little and ask you for some juice. You really can't have donuts without juice. You're chastised for not knowing this.

He'll want another glass. And another. Hey, it's good cider, and Mikey's downed a bunch of donuts. He'll want more, but soon, you discover that that WAS your last bottle.

So, the only solution is to make it yourself. When you feebly suggest a substitution, Mikey doesn't even dignify that with a response as he races for his jacket.


You'll have to run out to your apple tree out back, and grab an empty basket. As Mikey throws down some of the nicer looking apples that have gotten more sunlight, he decides to recreate Issac Newton's famous "Apple-falling eureka" moment for you.

Thankfully, you're not completely hopeless. You've learned by now to wear a helmet when you ask Hamato Michelangelo over to play.


Hurling apples will remind Mikey that he's always up for a fun game of ball. So you'll have to hurry inside and grab one, and your mitt.

Of course, you'll have to run back IN when the orange-clad ninja generously reminds you that you've forgotten the bat.


While you're not really sure if you're on his team or if Mikey's on yours, you'll have to be the pitcher, of course.

Boasting a few years of elementary ninja training, Mikey's able to whack your first pitch sky-high, and you'll have to tear off into the somewhat prickly (Ow) bushes to retrieve the ball!

Of course, after he moonwalks around the makeshift bases to home plate, Mikey will have to do a victory dance once you emerge, panting and scratched from the twigs, from the bushes with the ball.

And of course, you'll have to watch and clap while he spins around in the dirt.


Once he's completed with that moving performance, he'll have no choice but to run through your sprinklers to clean himself off. After all, if he comes home a mess, Master Splinter will make him have a bath, and he had one, like, TWO days ago!

Once Mikey's (Momentarily) cooled and clean, he'll be soaked. So you'll have to dry him off with your bandanna so he doesn't catch cold.

The bandanna will make him think of pirates, so you'll have to fetch some newspaper so that the two of you can make paper hats. (Of course, Mikey gets the more impressive one made from today's funnies.) Once you've gotten your "Arrrr"s down, you'll have to look for treasure.

You're kind of dreading what must surely be the inevitable; Mikey will need you to run to the shed to retrieve a shovel. But to your surprise, Mikey's more preoccupied with looking UP trees than down underground. (Much to your relief; you just planted those begonias.)

Way up high in one of those trees, you spot a woebegone kite impaled on a branch. But since Mikey declares it's a treasure, it's time for a ninja rescue. He'll heroically volunteer to climb up the tree to retrieve it.

After seven miserable-failed attempts to scramble up the slippery trunk, he'll grudgingly allow his sidekick to give him a boost.


Broken kites don't fix themselves. You'll have to dig through your closet to find some paper, tape, ribbon, and buttons. And of course, you'll have to paint it, too. You discover there's a distinct similarity between Mikey and his Renaissance namesake; both make a beautiful painting, (Although Mikey prefers aliens fighting robots over religious scenes) and both leave a great number of paint stains on the floor.


Once it's ready, you'll take the kite out into the yard, and the two of you set off sprinting. When a particularly strong gust comes along, the kite will go soaring into the air like a bird. You have to admit that it looks fantastic, flying higher and higher…..


….until, of course, it gets trapped in your apple tree!

You'll have to give Mikey another boost so that he can retrieve it.

But as he's climbing down, he'll glance upwards, and the apples will remind him of juice….

…..and that he's a very thirsty little ninja.

You'll have to go inside with your bushel of apples to start squeezing out cider. Once you both have a glass, you'll bury your head in your hands and weep as Mikey cheerfully inquires as to the possibility of having a donut to go with it?