Giles, I hate you.
I hate you with the incandescent fury of a thousand exploding suns simultaneously searing into extinction all life from their own little corner of the galaxy.
In short, I'm still pissed off over having to visit the 'Twilight' dimension, and my first day here hasn't changed my feelings one little bit. Even before coming to this place, I knew right away this was a big mistake. You should've known it too, when every dog for a couple of miles around started howling at hearing with their aching ears the happy multiple squeals of more than a dozen baby Slayers breaking the ultrasonic barrier when you announced at the Cleveland dinner table just where I was gonna go next week to recruit more people for the New Council.
Okay, I might've gone a little overboard when I jumped right up on the table and yelled at the top of my lungs that I'd rather castrate myself with a rusty set of toenail clippers than do this. It would've actually been a clean pair of trimmers, but I'd have still gone through with the whole snip-snip-snip business, if anyone at the table had even bothered to notice my threats. But no, the girls were all too busy enthusiastically debating at which specific point in the books or movies I should go.
Whose bright idea was it in the first place to set up a house contest to pick which dimension I had to take a trip to, anyway?
Oh, that's right.
Better get used to sleeping with one eye open, G-man.
Well, it's now been a few hours since I wrote the above, and no, my temper hasn't improved any, Giles. This might have to do with, say, getting welcomed right at the spot where I appeared in the 'Twilight' dimension by every single member of the Cullen family, who were waiting for me there.
Nobody back home managed to remember this bunch of sparkling (and yes, I hate to admit it, but they really do) vampires included someone with prophetic visions?
What makes it even worse is that for all the time I've been here, throughout this Alice Cullen has been maintaining on her pretty face a genuinely terrifying expression of stifled amusement every time she looks at me.
I'm telling you, the only thing scarier than a bomb disposal technician doing a panicky sprint past you is a seer who gives you a little and very evil half-smile whenever they're studying you.
Again, later. I've started hiding from Alice, what with that vamp's constant air of gleeful anticipation due to someone's impending doom. Let's talk about some of the other Cullens, instead, please?
Carlisle Cullen, now, I'd take him. No question at all, and don't put that incredulous look on your face, G-man. The guy's just flat-out impressive, and the books and movies don't do him justice. He's what anyone would want as their doctor: wise, compassionate, and even a sense of humor despite having gone through so much bad stuff in his life. That said, the only sticking point is he'd never agree to come with me unless the rest of his family came, too.
About that- Well, I could grit my teeth and manage to tolerate with varying degrees of acceptance the others, except for one of them.
Why the hell didn't anyone at home (you too, Giles) even listen when I said it'd be an absolute disaster having me meet Edward Cullen? How would you feel about coming face-to-face with another Ethan Rayne with all his worse traits magnified a dozen times and no past friendship with your former demon-raising buddy?
Yeah, it was that bad, and the chin dimples didn't help at all.
Mr. Personality's got his brooding stalker vibe going on at such a level that he could have given ol' Deadboy a handicap of ten yards and an Acme rocket-propelled sled, and still easily crossed the finish line well in advance of Angel.
When we were waiting for you-know-who to show up, I managed to pass the time by loudly humming to myself a certain The Police song. You know, the one with the refrain that goes, "I'll be watching youuuuu…"
Hey, I got to be me. Plus, it quieted down the rest of them after saying I'd rather claw my other eye out than watch yet again with the Cullen family and Bella Swan all the DVDs produced so far of the 'Twilight' series.
Giles, I want to humbly apologize. What I said before about hating you, I didn't mean it. Instead, you're someone I deeply respect, who does his best for us all while running a worldwide organization which protects humanity, and during it all, still manages to pull off wearing tweed with what can only be called an awe-inspiring flair.
Not buying any of this? I guess it might've been a little over the top, but things have really changed. I'm actually glad now that I came here.
See, the part above, in which I tactfully expressed my feelings about the pasty guy whose mind-boggling opening line of "Become a vampire with me and we shall live forever" actually convinced someone, was written while inside their home these glittering bloodsuckers and one human were getting to see what'd happen to them. Me, I was waiting out in the front yard, leaning against a handy tree while taking the chance to bring my report up to date for you.
Just when I finished, the front door of the Cullen house slammed open, and a young woman came running out, directly towards me. I hastily stuffed my note and pen back into my jeans pocket, to finally look right into the face of somebody who was both screaming at me and heartbrokenly crying.
She was beautiful. More than any girl I'd ever known in my life, and yes, Giles, this includes even my Sunnydale ladies. Kristen Stewart? Not even close.
So, of course, I kissed her.
She kissed me back.
Thank Wils for me for her helpful teleportation spells. A fast use of one of these picked up her dad, who really didn't need all that much encouragement to leave everything behind and come with us. Not just to Las Vegas, where he happily found himself being my best man in one of those quickie wedding chapels where Bella and I tied the knot. Yep, Charlie Swan was just fine with somebody with a pulse marrying his little girl, and also traveling to another dimension. You've got to admit we can always use more people with law enforcement experience and also knowing about what goes bump in the night. Anyone who combines these two should be welcomed with open arms by the New Council.
Oh. You've now probably cleaned your glasses for a full five minutes, and then you disbelievingly read the above paragraph a few more times again. In case you think I'm joking, here's the following:
I. GOT. MARRIED.
To the most wonderful woman in the world, who's now breathing down my neck in our hotel room bed while reading this, and beginning to lick my ear-
A quick note, G-man, while we're waiting for our portal back home, just to give you a heads-up. Besides me, Bella, and Charlie, there's also coming with us twenty-six members of the Quileute shapeshifting tribe. Not Jacob Black, he wouldn't leave, but a lot of other werewolves there were honestly more than willing to travel with their mates to another dimension where they'll have the opportunity to freely bite off the heads of any vampire they meet. All without those tiresome peace treaties cramping their animal natures.
So, you better lay out a welcoming spread heavy on the meats. I never knew how many raw steaks a hungry were could chow down until the hotel sent me the bill. Good thing I spent a few hours at the poker tables in the casino here before this.
Look, it was an emergency, and at least I got to use the whole 'One Who Sees' knack again, now that I'm banned for life worldwide at any gambling place back home. Like I intended in the first place to become an unbeatable card shark when I lost my eye!
Anyway, see you and everyone else soon.
Dear Mr. Giles:
I'd like to thank you and the rest of my new husband's friends for putting up with him ever since Sunnydale. As I'm sure you know, he's quite a handful, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm really eager to meet Xander's entire family and hearing all their stories about him, particularly the more embarrassing ones.
During this, if I may, I would like to have Buffy Summers explain to me just why she had a relationship with not one, but two vampires.
Once again, I'm looking forward with great pleasure in getting to know you all!