Author's Note: This little gem came to me at 4am. I just had to start writing it. The android body GLaDOS is using in this fic is the same as the one from my other story Strange Bedfellows and its sequel The Garter, but is not from the same universe, if that makes sense. This story is completely set apart from those ones and has no influence on what happens over there. I just like to use this version I made up.

Pimping was a side business, really.

Of course, GLaDOS never saw it that way.

As pimping, that was.

It had just been an ingenious little plot she had hatched one day to bring a little extra money into Aperture for the purposes of science. How was she to know that it was going to become so popular? It was even better than the shower curtain idea. Frankly, she was rolling in cash. Or would be, if she wasn't a giant robot computer swinging from the ceiling. The surplus from her surprisingly successful business venture was so great she'd actually had to build herself an Aperture Science Financial Storage Cube.

Really, it was just her Pimp Locker.

But she'd never tell anyone that.

Had anyone asked how all of this had come about – which they didn't – she would have told them it was for science. Science, and the betterment of mankind. After all, they had lost so many humans in the Combine attacks that it had only seemed like a great act of compassion to release her minions into the world to do her bidding. Not to exterminate what was left, but to aid them. Society was slowly rebuilding itself, but the humans were not. From her observations, they interacted poorly with one another. Untrusting, an unable to form the connections needed for the intimate relations necessary to produce offspring and raise them into adulthood.

Sure, there were groups of people who went around and sired offspring everywhere they went – willing or not – but the mothers of these hatchlings rarely wanted them around or couldn't provide for them. The ones that did make it into adulthood fared miserably when it came to taking a mate due to their parents not teaching them the necessary skills. And that was if they could even find a suitable mate to start with. Cities were sometimes few and far between, and there weren't a whole lot of choices left.

So GLaDOS, in her infinite wisdom, had taken it upon herself to teach the humans how to make more humans.

A production line of androids in all shapes and sizes had been set up in the bowels of Aperture Science. Not the big clunky military androids like Orange and Blue, mind you. But sleek, svelte models that were fully articulated and had all sorts of features for every fantasy that man could think to request. Tall, short, man, woman, fat, thin. And the list didn't stop there. Some were distinctly robotic, and others were distinctly human. Some had a little mix of both depending on what the customer wanted.

And then there were the special features. Some androids were specifically designed for the darker needs of the clients, and came with a fully functional BDSM chipset and accompanying tools of the trade, as it were. Others were simply a walking talking vibrator. Some more the walking vibrator part and less with the talking. And some yet again were simply there as an analogue for basic human contact, and were really only there to talk to the client.

And that was how Miss Johnson's Toys For Good Girls And Boys had been born.

GLaDOS had truly outdone herself.

It hadn't taken her very long at all to identify it as a viable business. And it was the only one of its kind. Black Mesa could suck a fat one. Literally. And funnily enough, some of them were, if her records were anything to go by. It made the supercomputer titter with glee each time she got an order under one of their names. The humans were gradually filling Maslow's hierarchy of needs, but sex remained something distinctly out of reach for the general population. And that was where she came in.

Oh, the puns.

She was having a wonderful time with those. If she wasn't careful, she'd need a storage unit for those as well. An Aperture Science Automated Pun Dispenser.

GLaDOS saved that to her Good Ideas folder for later.

Now normally she didn't personally keep track of her clients. It took her away from important sciencey things that had to be done. She'd manned the phone in the beginning, but it had proven to be too time consuming as it grew out of control into a much larger operation that even spanned several countries. Now she simply had several call centers instead with those same androids operating the phones to either take orders or talk dirty, depending on their individual function. Or they could simply order off the internet if they were too shy. All customers, however, had the opportunity to log a customer satisfaction survey to keep track of what they enjoyed.

It was much more tailored and stringently adhered to than any human prostitution ring. It was one of the things that had made her business so successful. The so-called Miss Johnson was renowned for being able to keep track of what her clients were into, even if they didn't quite know. Those that ordered wildly from the veritable smorgasbord of options were neatly slotted into various categories; patterns were identified and particular kinks that they did and didn't enjoy were added to their files as they were discussed or discovered over time to provide the most effective service.

All GLaDOS really had to do was keep the production line happening, and remember to disassemble and thoroughly disinfect and clean all the things. It wasn't her fault that she liked to look over the yearly financial report. And it certainly wasn't her fault that one name caught her roving yellow eye.

The supercomputer quickly scrolled back up the list of client names running through her system and stared at the one blinking name that she'd thought she'd never see again. It was almost too good to be true.


Or Chell Longfall as she was now going by.

Oh, that was precious.

The brain damaged lunatic couldn't even come up with a normal surname. She'd named herself after her boots. That was utterly adorable. And incredibly stupid. What kind of nut job would want that for a name? And furthermore, how the hell had she missed it? From what it looked like, she was actually a repeat customer. There was a file here too.

It sat blinking and unopened as the AI pondered.

Should she open it?

Should she find out what that fat loony had been up to in the years since she had been let out of Aperture? It seemed the girl could never really escape the place after all, even if she didn't know she was using Aperture products. Talk about sucker's luck.

Oh, that was another for the pun dispenser!

GLaDOS tittered again and opened up the file to read through it. Had she a mouth, she would have made popcorn to eat while perusing. This thing was much larger than she thought it would be. It seemed that her little test subject had been a loyal customer for longer than she had thought. What a sad excuse for a human being. It seemed she was right about her. She really did have no friends. Or at least, no human lovers to speak of. They were probably right to stay away. Things just seemed to die in that girl's presence. She'd probably just sit on them and crush their squishy human bodies. Or scare them away with her crazy eyes. Androids, however, wouldn't be scared away. In fact, she didn't have to talk to them, and they didn't have to talk to her.

That yellow optic seemed to glow brighter as the metal head swivelled back and forth, taking in the information presented on the screens in front of her. She was well aware the girl could talk if she wanted to. The few grunts and groans of pain she had made in the test chambers of the Enrichment Center proved she wasn't a mute. But real sentences and words hadn't been logged for her until she'd become a customer of Miss Johnson's Toys. It wasn't much to go on. The girl was painfully shy and only ever ordered and filled out surveys through the internet. She would rarely speak to the android sent to her apartment unless it was to tell it to either stop or keep going, or some other simple instruction.

Furthermore, GLaDOS discovered, Chell wasn't particularly adventurous. That had been a revelation for the AI. Then again, she'd probably had quite enough adventure with robots at Aperture to last her a lifetime. What really puzzled her though was why the girl hadn't made the connection between the supposed 'Miss Johnson' and the high quality of android that was produced and linked it straight back to the Enrichment Center. She did order ones that looked completely human now though. She'd did venture out and get the humanoid ones that simply looked robotic a couple of times. The sleek black and stark white of those particular models had to be a dead giveaway. That optic narrowed again. Maybe she had made the connection, and that was why she kept coming back.

From what it looked like, those encounters with the robotic humans had been successful in what they aimed to accomplish sexually but the girl had continued to order the human ones after that. Once in a blue moon she'd seek out something a little different. Mostly though, it appeared on further analysis that she was after the human companionship aspect of the encounter. Perhaps she was just too afraid to actually speak up and say that. It did look pathetically sad to order a robot from a sex line and only want to talk to it and have it cuddle her when she was done.

Digging further in a quest for knowledge that would have made Fact and Curiosity proud, GLaDOS found that Chell had no real preference selected for what android she wanted. After a few times using the service, most customers found a particular android they liked. Some were even so specific as to request a particular serial number. This girl, however, hadn't checked any of those boxes. Sure, she had basic requirements for a preference in height and weight and what she didn't like when it came to particular sexual activities, but other than that, it was pretty much open slather. It also seemed that she hadn't been that much a fan of the male androids that had been sent to her in the beginning, and had opted to select either feminine or sexually ambiguous ones for future encounters.

How interesting. How utterly interesting.

They really had tried all sorts of things when it came to looks, as GLaDOS believed that finding one particular feature that a human could enjoy was essential to helping them discover how to maintain a monogamous relationship that was conducive to bearing and raising offspring.

As she perused the file with gusto, it didn't take her long to notice the blinking light that soon appeared.


How marvellous.

It seemed that her little test subject had put in another request for an android to be sent to her apartment that night. The real question was what to send. It had always been automated based on her responses calculated by the sensors in the androids, but it was different now that GLaDOS knew about it. She couldn't just let the poor little lunatic go now that she had her in her clutches again.

The light continued blinking as it waited for a confirmation message.

What to send, what to send? Or perhaps...who to send?

Oh yes.

This would be perfect.

Too perfect.

GLaDOS laughed.